Why would a guy do this?

raige123

First, I just wanted to say I LOVE this part of the forums because you guys are all awesome with your advice and have pretty much been bang on so here goes another question.

I had dated this guy I met off POF for a couple of weeks back the first part of July, and then out of the blue he stopped talking to me. Stopped txting, calling ... everything but he was still logging into POF everyday. Figured he just wasn't into me and had met someone else. A month goes by and I see a message pop up from him in my POF inbox. I REALLY liked this guy so my heart went into instant flip flops ... I was scared to open the message but excited it was there. In the message he apologized for disappearing and said a lot happened in his life and it wasn't the right decision but disappearing is something he thought he needed to do. We started txting again and he told me he thought about me everyday, always looked at my pictures and missed me. We had made plans to meet up the next day. Life again intervened and he ended up having to take his son that night as his ex got hurt at work, and he had to cancel. He had an annual trip planned 2 days later which I knew about so knew I wouldn't get to see him again until September as he was spending his last day home with his son (only right). He txt me all Saturday and part of Sunday even though he is in Europe and then Sunday afternoon went quiet again. I haven't heard from him since lunchtime on Sunday but he is still logging into POF quite a few times a day, so I know he is available to txt, but is choosing not to.

How do I take this? Why would a guy reconnect only to disconnect or be only partially there with a reconnect. A month had passed ... he could have stayed gone but why come back. Thoughts?

MissingMinnesota

Well my first thought is that he has a couple girls that he is talking too. Is he messaging you through POF or actually texting you?

raige123

Well my first thought is that he has a couple girls that he is talking too. Is he messaging you through POF or actually texting you?

He only sent the initial message through POF ... everything else has been by txt. His profile is hidden so I don't know if he knows I can see him online. I would never tell him I know ... but I do and thats what is frustrating because I know he is choosing not to txt.

jenbit

He is in another country currently cut him some slack. From what I understand texting can be expenssive depending on where he is. However if a guy poofs on me and then wanted to come back its a no go. Whatever he tells you he more then likely was playing with someone else instead of you. Your the back up chioce since the other one didn't work out. Now I'm not saying every guy does this but theres a really high chance

raige123

He is in another country currently cut him some slack. From what I understand texting can be expenssive depending on where he is. However if a guy poofs on me and then wanted to come back its a no go. Whatever he tells you he more then likely was playing with someone else instead of you. Your the back up chioce since the other one didn't work out. Now I'm not saying every guy does this but theres a really high chance

I realize that is a possibility. He said in his message there was never anyone else ... there was ever only me.

And yes he is in another country but after txting all weekend ... and logging into POF ... I don't know what to think. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens when he returns in a week and a half.

And typically I wouldn't give someone another chance ... but I REALLY liked him.

Moe4572

It is very expensive to text from Europe...I actually met a guy, and our first conversations were through text and he ended up with a bill over $1400.00 for that (he had communicated with his kids as well, but still).

That said, he could email you through POF.......I usually do give guys a second chance, because I am a sucker and because maybe he was getting to know someone and was further along and then didn't work out....this does happen .......

Anyway, he could email you and he is not, and since he thinks he is hidden from you THAT is sneaky!!! NEXT

raige123

It is very expensive to text from Europe...I actually met a guy, and our first conversations were through text and he ended up with a bill over $1400.00 for that (he had communicated with his kids as well, but still).

That said, he could email you through POF.......I usually do give guys a second chance, because I am a sucker and because maybe he was getting to know someone and was further along and then didn't work out....this does happen .......

Anyway, he could email you and he is not, and since he thinks he is hidden from you THAT is sneaky!!! NEXT

YIKES!!! Okay ... definite slack being given on the txting, lol. But yes, he could be messaging through POF and he is choosing not to which I don't like.

dbrightwell1270

I think a better question is why would you let a guy play with your emotions? You were all a flutter and then he disappeared. Then he comes back and you are all a flutter again and he is disappearing again (to some degree at least). It doesn't appear from your posts that you've actually met up with him since his return and you are going all frantic about what he is (or is not) doing regarding you.

poncho33

Sorry to say... but I don't think you're his first choice... he's still looking or wanting to get back with his ex or something. If you were the only one you would know it.

Too add, don't sit around waiting on him... go out and meet more people, you get one life, don't let someone else control how it is spent.

AnnaPixie

I would just see if he initiates anything when he gets back. And stop following him on POF!! At this stage of your contact, he is free to do what he likes, as are you!

I disagree that he shouldnt have a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. (Well, unless he was abusive or something like that.) I wouldnt have a problem if he decided he like someone better than me 2 months ago, but now that hasn't worked out. That's just your ego talking. If you like the guy, you gotta go with it.

Don't worry about it while he's away. Anything could be happening. And yes, in the mean time, go chat to someone else.....!

MissingMinnesota

Just by your posts on here you come off needy and clingy. Maybe you are giving the vibe to him. Are his text back one word texts or are they actual conversations? You have invested way to much into this guy for someone off a dating site you have never even met.

raige123

Just by your posts on here you come off needy and clingy. Maybe you are giving the vibe to him. Are his text back one word texts or are they actual conversations? You have invested way to much into this guy for someone off a dating site you have never even met.

conversations ... and we have met. We went out a few times before he vanished on me last month. He told me he was falling for me and then poof.

raige123

Sorry to say... but I don't think you're his first choice... he's still looking or wanting to get back with his ex or something. If you were the only one you would know it.

Too add, don't sit around waiting on him... go out and meet more people, you get one life, don't let someone else control how it is spent.

I am still out dating other people ... just kinda curious as to why he would get back in touch to try again?

raige123

I think a better question is why would you let a guy play with your emotions? You were all a flutter and then he disappeared. Then he comes back and you are all a flutter again and he is disappearing again (to some degree at least). It doesn't appear from your posts that you've actually met up with him since his return and you are going all frantic about what he is (or is not) doing regarding you.

We have not met up since he messaged again. Made plans to and then he had to cancel. Like I've said ... just curious why a guy would come back after being gone for a month.

raige123

I would just see if he initiates anything when he gets back. And stop following him on POF!! At this stage of your contact, he is free to do what he likes, as are you!

I disagree that he shouldnt have a second chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. (Well, unless he was abusive or something like that.) I wouldnt have a problem if he decided he like someone better than me 2 months ago, but now that hasn't worked out. That's just your ego talking. If you like the guy, you gotta go with it.

Don't worry about it while he's away. Anything could be happening. And yes, in the mean time, go chat to someone else.....!

It's not that I'm following him on POF, lol. The top of your inbox tells you which users are online that you've had contact with so I see his name as being online. I wish I didn't have to see it but it's right there. And I am talking to other men. I do like him ... I have since I met him.

Tube_socks

If you had sex with him first time around, he could just be coming back for more.

pa_jorg

I'll give a guy a second chance because hey life happens, but I'm always a bit skeptical when I do... That said, he has lots and lots of excuses/stuff going on right now - how much do you think is true and how much is BS? Probably time to admit that he could seriously be playing you because you are so willing to believe every story he tells you.

raige123

If you had sex with him first time around, he could just be coming back for more.

We did not have sex, lol. I kept the cookie in the cookie jar, lol and we went out a few times.

laurenz2501

Sorry to say... but I don't think you're his first choice... he's still looking or wanting to get back with his ex or something. If you were the only one you would know it.

Too add, don't sit around waiting on him... go out and meet more people, you get one life, don't let someone else control how it is spent.

THISSSSS. PRECISELY. I had the same thing happen to me. Guy acted REALLY into me. My friends even said "He seemed really into you." We hung out twice. Talked for a month and a half maybe? First date=rescheduled last second but hung out the next day. Second date=RESCHEDULED LAST SECOND but hung out about a week or so later. Then he poofed. Nothing drastic happened. No response to texts or phone calls. Just. Gone. Out of nowhere. It's been 2 months now and it still hurts. Crazy right? I also haven't found anyone else to lessen the burn (NOT saying rebound, but when you go from that to nothing it sucks). It's a shame because I REALLY liked him too and I thought we got along famously. It makes no damn sense at all. I'd rather be told straight up with honestly than completely blatantly ignored and kicked when I'm down.

I so agree with this though 100%. If a guy wants to be with you, HE WILL BE!

raige123

Sorry to say... but I don't think you're his first choice... he's still looking or wanting to get back with his ex or something. If you were the only one you would know it.

Too add, don't sit around waiting on him... go out and meet more people, you get one life, don't let someone else control how it is spent.

THISSSSS. PRECISELY. I had the same thing happen to me. Guy acted REALLY into me. My friends even said "He seemed really into you." We hung out twice. Talked for a month and a half maybe? First date=rescheduled last second but hung out the next day. Second date=RESCHEDULED LAST SECOND but hung out about a week or so later. Then he poofed. Nothing drastic happened. No response to texts or phone calls. Just. Gone. Out of nowhere. It's been 2 months now and it still hurts. Crazy right? I also haven't found anyone else to lessen the burn (NOT saying rebound, but when you go from that to nothing it sucks). It's a shame because I REALLY liked him too and I thought we got along famously. It makes no damn sense at all. I'd rather be told straight up with honestly than completely blatantly ignored and kicked when I'm down.

I so agree with this though 100%. If a guy wants to be with you, HE WILL BE!

It did hurt when he vanished the first time because there was a connection there ... hadn't had that strong of a connection in a long while ... not even with my ex. Even he said he was falling for me. Him coming back and to tell me he has thought about me everyday, looked at my pictures everyday and missed me everyday ... I don't get why someone would do that if they weren't ready to actually be back. YES he is away right now, but he is on POF daily. I don't get it. It's got nothing to do with being needy or clingy ... it's got to do with getting my hopes up again. Why would he not just stay gone? How does him coming back benefit him at all?

ItsCasey

I don't post over here much anymore, but this has to be said: this guy is not into you. Who knows why he told you he was falling for you and that he missed you and looked at your photos every day and blah blah blah? It doesn't matter what he said. People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons.

What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.

raige123

What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.

Thank you! I think I really needed to hear this.

dbrightwell1270

What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.

Thank you! I think I really needed to hear this.

I don't think you can say for sure that he's on everyday. He could very well have an app on his phone that is activated and makes it appear as though he is accessing the site daily. However, I doubt the he got his phone bill yesterday and decided he can't afford to text anymore either. I really have no idea why he isn't communicating with you. It could be that he's playing you. It could be an oversight. His phone could have been stolen for all I know. As I said before, I think that the bigger question is why it is impacting you as strongly as it seems to be.

christine24t

I don't post over here much anymore, but this has to be said: this guy is not into you. Who knows why he told you he was falling for you and that he missed you and looked at your photos every day and blah blah blah? It doesn't matter what he said. People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons.

What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.

Agreed.

Girl he's just not that into you. Now concentrate on the other men who are communicative!

RunIntheMud

I've done this to guys in the past (no not recently...). Was it right, maybe. Maybe not. Bottom line, I really wasn't into them the first time around. We had a "nice" time when we went out. There wasn't any chemistry, but there really wasn't anything wrong with them. I couldn't figure out a good way to explain this, so I poofed and dated around. When the well dried up, I was bored, I thought "what was it that didn't work with Joe Blow...he was a nice guy." So, I'd send out the cold text to see if there was still any interest. Sometimes we'd go out again and I'd figure it out. Sometimes I'd remember after a few texts. Either way I'd find a way to disappear again because as good as we got along we just didn't "click". Nothing wrong with that, just no spark.

As I said this wasn't recently...probably about 2-3 years ago. I've had guys poof in the last few years and given a couple a chance. They proved me wrong and my lesson was learned (or perhaps Karma bit me in the @ss). Either way, if a man leaves now he's not coming back.

TyTy76

You need to quit being so clingy/needy.

Cliffslosinit

If he is into you. He will move heaven and Earth to be with you.
If he is not, well you already see what he does....

kimad

I don't post over here much anymore, but this has to be said: this guy is not into you. Who knows why he told you he was falling for you and that he missed you and looked at your photos every day and blah blah blah? It doesn't matter what he said. People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons.

What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.

Agree 100% - well said!

I also agree with Mud - I am well over second chances. None have faired well for me. My gut knew right the first time.

Also to dbrightwell - agreed on why are you letting this guy occupy you?!

odusgolp

He sounds like he's telling you exactly what you want to hear... but has no actual feelings for you. If he did, he wouldn't disappear and be active on POF while in another country (apparently). Just my penny...

Time to move on and ignore this one.

rml_16

He's in Europe texting you multiple times a day and logging into POGF multiple times a day?

I'm thinking he isn't really in Europe and he's playing you and a bit of a liar.

UsedToBeHusky

Honestly, for whatever reason, this guy isn't wanting to get serious about you. His reasons might not have anything to do with you. He might actually like you, but something is keeping him from progressing in this relationship. I wouldn't invest in him if I were you. Talk to him if you want, but don't look for anything serious with him.