Why would a guy do this?
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I don't post over here much anymore, but this has to be said: this guy is not into you. Who knows why he told you he was falling for you and that he missed you and looked at your photos every day and blah blah blah? It doesn't matter what he said. People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons.
What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.
Agree 100% - well said!
I also agree with Mud - I am well over second chances. None have faired well for me. My gut knew right the first time.
Also to dbrightwell - agreed on why are you letting this guy occupy you?!
I really liked him. Like I said previous, there was a strong connection there.0 -
Sounds married to me.
And you sound a little clingy. At this point, regardless of a "connection", nothing is really going on.
Also, if I were into someone, there is no way in hell that I could go a month without speaking to them.0 -
there was a strong connection there.
On your end. Clearly not on his.
Trust me, if a guy wants to be with you, he will be very obvious about it. There is no guessing or wondering or weeks without phone calls (or seeing each other unless it's long-distance). Men don't play silly games. When they want a woman, they make it known.0 -
Also to dbrightwell - agreed on why are you letting this guy occupy you?!
I understand that part. When a guy behaves as though he's interested in you and you really like him, it is very easy to convince yourself that you've got something with potential. You become emotionally invested, and at that point, there's no longer an off switch that can be flipped like there is on a first date when the guy is very detached and you're pretty sure there's not going to be a round 2.
This guy sounds like a *kitten*. For whatever reason, he got her hopes up, with no intention of following through, and not letting it bother you is much easier said than done.
Now, we can talk about how some women misinterpret things and get too emotionally invested too quickly, but that's a different conversation.0 -
I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.0
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The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.0 -
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You are assuming that it is intentional.0 -
TBH if a guy can't respect me enough to keep it real, I don't even think about allowing him an opportunity to speak with me again.
NEXT IN LINE PLZ? Ty.0 -
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You know, I have come to realize that mixed signals aren't always intended to hurt. Sometimes a guy is just confused.
That doesn't mean that this guy is a good prospect for the OP. But that doesn't make the guy a *kitten* either. I'm not entirely certain he is trying to hurt her feelings.0 -
If he hadn't contacted her and then disappeared the second time, I'd agree. And he probably isn't trying to hurt her. I doubt he's even considered that he's affecting her at all. Still a *kitten*. Anyone who's so callous about someone else's feelings is.
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You are assuming that it is intentional.
I get that first time realizing it isn't working out and not knowing how to say it. But why the second contact and subsequent disappearance? At that point, he owes her an explanation.0 -
Women are actually far better equipped to handle emotions than men. When men feel real emotion, they have a tendency to freak out. Not all men... but a lot do. That could be what is going on here... or he could be a *kitten*... but I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.
The best thing for OP to do is avoid an emotional attachment until this guy is ready to reciprocate... if ever.0 -
Also, don't forget, women tend to over think things that are otherwise not as complicated as they may seem - in respect to men.
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Sorry, but I'm going to ask given one of your posts last week...
What was the nature of your dates the first time around? Were these dates or "hanging out" as you talked about in your posts last week? If this is one of the guys that was calling you to hang out or drive him to the liquor store, then I would run away...0 -
What is wrong with hanging out?0
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Sorry, but I'm going to ask given one of your posts last week...
What was the nature of your dates the first time around? Were these dates or "hanging out" as you talked about in your posts last week? If this is one of the guys that was calling you to hang out or drive him to the liquor store, then I would run away...
This guy actually never used me and he drove on our dates, lol. We had a walk and talk on the beach one night, another night we went for a lengthy drive and he took me to a beautiful lookoff spot to watch the sunset and then took me home, and one night he had his son and invited me to watch the fireworks that were going on in the city with them so I went.0 -
What is wrong with hanging out?
Nothing wrong with hanging out, but she said in her other post that the only dates she seemed to be getting were guys calling the same day saying "hey, you wanna hang out today". As well as guys using her to drive them around.0 -
What is wrong with hanging out?
No sex.0 -
What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.
Thank you! I think I really needed to hear this.
I don't think you can say for sure that he's on everyday. He could very well have an app on his phone that is activated and makes it appear as though he is accessing the site daily. However, I doubt the he got his phone bill yesterday and decided he can't afford to text anymore either. I really have no idea why he isn't communicating with you. It could be that he's playing you. It could be an oversight. His phone could have been stolen for all I know. As I said before, I think that the bigger question is why it is impacting you as strongly as it seems to be.
I've gotten a few emails asking if I was really on at 4am because apparently having the app on my phone kept me signed in or something. There's a chance that the same thing happened to that guy.
In my opinion, silence is a pretty universal sign for "uninterested". Thankfully I'm pretty quick to take the hint, but there have been occasions where I had to be sure - like the guy who I was supposed to pick up from the airport but who stopped talking to me for several days before. I didn't want to be the b!tch that left him at the airport, so I had to text to confirm and got a pretty generic blow-off. Take the silence as a sign to move on.0 -
I don't post over here much anymore, but this has to be said: this guy is not into you. Who knows why he told you he was falling for you and that he missed you and looked at your photos every day and blah blah blah? It doesn't matter what he said. People lie all the time for all kinds of reasons.
What matters is the fact that he's not making an effort to stay in touch with you when he clearly has Internet access since he's still playing around on the dating site. I don't give a flying crap how much it costs to text someone from abroad. It costs nothing to send an email. So let's cut the touchy-feely "maybe he's confused/poor/tired/sad/hungry/banging someone else" BS and boil this down to the fact that if he liked you and intended to have any kind of relationship with you, he would not be behaving as though you don't exist.
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What is wrong with hanging out?
No sex.
Not true.0 -
If he hadn't contacted her and then disappeared the second time, I'd agree. And he probably isn't trying to hurt her. I doubt he's even considered that he's affecting her at all. Still a *kitten*. Anyone who's so callous about someone else's feelings is.
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You are assuming that it is intentional.
I get that first time realizing it isn't working out and not knowing how to say it. But why the second contact and subsequent disappearance? At that point, he owes her an explanation.
Agreed. It's not like they went out once and he tried to let her down easy. According to her, he told her he was falling for her. And then he disappeared into thin air. Regardless of whether or not he intended to hurt her, he clearly intended to make her think he had strong feelings for her, and then he poofed. That's *kitten* behavior.0 -
If he hadn't contacted her and then disappeared the second time, I'd agree. And he probably isn't trying to hurt her. I doubt he's even considered that he's affecting her at all. Still a *kitten*. Anyone who's so callous about someone else's feelings is.
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You are assuming that it is intentional.
I get that first time realizing it isn't working out and not knowing how to say it. But why the second contact and subsequent disappearance? At that point, he owes her an explanation.
Agreed. It's not like they went out once and he tried to let her down easy. According to her, he told her he was falling for her. And then he disappeared into thin air. Regardless of whether or not he intended to hurt her, he clearly intended to make her think he had strong feelings for her, and then he poofed. That's *kitten* behavior.
Like I said, he might have freaked out. Sure, it sucks... but I don't think he intentionally meant to hurt her. He got scared. His feelings are just as valid as hers.
And let me just add that men don't generally tell a woman that they feel something when they don't, unless they are getting something out of the relationship, ie. money or sex or whatever. The OP didn't seem to feel like she was being used.0 -
If he hadn't contacted her and then disappeared the second time, I'd agree. And he probably isn't trying to hurt her. I doubt he's even considered that he's affecting her at all. Still a *kitten*. Anyone who's so callous about someone else's feelings is.
The mixed signals and playing with her emotions make him a *kitten*.I wouldnt call him a *kitten* because SHE got overly attached.
You are assuming that it is intentional.
I get that first time realizing it isn't working out and not knowing how to say it. But why the second contact and subsequent disappearance? At that point, he owes her an explanation.
Agreed. It's not like they went out once and he tried to let her down easy. According to her, he told her he was falling for her. And then he disappeared into thin air. Regardless of whether or not he intended to hurt her, he clearly intended to make her think he had strong feelings for her, and then he poofed. That's *kitten* behavior.
I agree its *kitten* 'ish and kinda ridiculous... disagree if you will, but they dated a couple weeks back in July - a couple weeks!!!! - and he was falling for her? but then poofed, only to come back and poof again... who falls for someone so quickly, only to leave them hanging? If he really was feeling said emotions he would be trying to spend time with her - his actions are more than enough for me to walk.
Sure you felt something, sure he said he has feelings, but do you like his actions? Would you put up with this forever? he isn't worth the time.0 -
i didn't read the entire thread, just your original post.
my initial feelings are either he's still married, separated, or dating someone ( but it might not be going well).
have you spoken to him on the phone, at all? or just by text?
i have found that the guys that are just texters, usually are not actually single and available. OR, they are juggling dating someone already and are trying to keep their options open. the texting during the weekend and then stopping, makes me think there is someone else in the picture already.
disappearing for a month when you haven't met yet, doesn't mean a whole lot. BUT, if he was REALLY into meeting you, he would have made it happen. that's why i think there has to be someone else.
sorry!! that's just the feeling i get from reading your post.0 -
just read the whole tread :-)
ok, an example i have is from last year. we spoke on the phone several times before we met and the conversations were good. in my opinion, we clicked. we had a lunch date as our first date. dinner and movie for the second. and movie for the third.
he told me he wanted to see where this was going, and i agreed.
then the phone calls stopped...... and the texts spaced out some........... then 24+ hrs would go by with no communication from him ( he had been the guy getting in touch daily). so, i figured he wasn't really interested, or there was someone else, etc.
turns out, he had been dating a girl, it wasn't going well..... so, he tried dating other people. ended up realizing he wanted the girlfriend. and that was that :-)
if you invest that much from the get go, you will end up hurt more times than not. mirror the guys actions, and whatever you do, do not invest more energy, emotion, and time until you are officially dating.0 -
i didn't read the entire thread, just your original post.
my initial feelings are either he's still married, separated, or dating someone ( but it might not be going well).
have you spoken to him on the phone, at all? or just by text?
i have found that the guys that are just texters, usually are not actually single and available. OR, they are juggling dating someone already and are trying to keep their options open. the texting during the weekend and then stopping, makes me think there is someone else in the picture already.
disappearing for a month when you haven't met yet, doesn't mean a whole lot. BUT, if he was REALLY into meeting you, he would have made it happen. that's why i think there has to be someone else.
sorry!! that's just the feeling i get from reading your post.
We had spoken on the phone a couple of time the first go round in July ... but mostly by text. When I asked if we could talk on the phone this time, he said the speaker on his phone was blown and he couldn't call anyone, and is waiting for the new Waterproof Samsung to come out before he upgrades. Sketchy behavior right? But at the same time, some people hate talking on the phone. I am a prime example of this. I would rather text over talking (I only missed his voice which is why I suggested the phone call this time) ... so I kind of get willing to wait for a phone that is coming out in the next month or 2. He he has had a lot of issues with his phone anyway so I do kind of buy it.
When we had our original go round in July, my gut was screaming at me that he had a girlfriend. I don't know why ... I just had a really odd feeling he wasn't single. Then when he allowed me to meet his 3 1/2 year old son on a date, I figured my gut was wrong. His ex cheated on him for over 2 years ... he's still pretty hurt over that I know.
He says he is away right now but my friend asked me if I know for sure if he's away or if I just have his word because of his sketchy behavior poofing in the past, she doesn't trust him. I have no proof that he is or is not in Europe right now. I trust him when he says he is. I asked him to take 3 specific pics for me when he was over there ... we'll see if he took them when he comes back. I didn't ask to prove he was there, but because he was describing some cool places I wanted to visually see for myself.
He is a very busy guy. He works 50-60 hours a week (true story ... I have visited him at his work on his request when he was on breaks outside of our dates when we were on our first go round in July), he has a 3 1/2 year old son he has joint custody of, and he is in a band. He doesn't have a lot of time to fit me in but made time for me before.
I don't know. I am probably over-reacting and my insecurities are coming out. He can be on POF as much as he wants as I am on there right now talking to other guys too. I won't stop logging in again (I had hid my account for him the last time) until he shows me he is in this for good, if he is. I won't stop dating others until I know that too. It hurt when he poofed the last time. I was talking to a few other guys at the time I blew off for him and then when he vanished, I had to start again. I am playing my hand a lot different this time. I will not remove or hide my profile for anyone until it is established for something for serious.
Thank you all for your comments and I will keep you updated. Still no word from him but he told me his previous trips over there involved a lot of drinking so he is probably doing that, not even thinking about txting. Fingers crossed.0 -
so I kind of get willing to wait for a phone that is coming out in the next month or 2. He he has had a lot of issues with his phone anyway so I do kind of buy it.
You can get a cheap used phone pretty easily in the meantime. I did when the screen shattered on my Droid.
Bottom line, the guy is not into you. He'd keeping you hanging for some reason. Only he will probably ever know why.
Forget him and move on.
Do men sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings? Yes. As do some women. But they let you know in other ways, particularly in their behavior towards you. When they want to be with you THEY ARE WITH YOU. Period.
You're old enough you should have learned that by now. Quit overanalyzing. When it comes to relationships, men really are pretty simple: If they're interested, you know. If you have to question it or if they disappear-reappear-disappear, they are not into you. Maybe he's hoping there will be sex or something, but once that happens, if you hear from him again it will be because he wants more sex.0 -
.. but mostly by text. When I asked if we could talk on the phone this time, he said the speaker on his phone was blown and he couldn't call anyone, and is waiting for the new Waterproof Samsung to come out before he upgrades. Sketchy behavior right?
Sorry, but I dont buy that at all!!!! And I'm very much into giving the benefit of the doubt, but that is a bit far removed from reality!! Phone's are very easy to replace and nobody goes 2 months without being able to speak on a phone. I mean, what is the point in having one if you can't speak on it?? :noway:
I wouldnt waste any more time on this guy..........:flowerforyou:0 -
regardless of whether you trust him or not, you are investing WAY too much time, energy, and emotion into a guy that is NOT your boyfriend. end of story.
so, either choose to trust him that he's telling the truth and continue to live your life like he's just a guy you know, with a broken phone, who is in europe.
OR, choose not to trust him and MOVE ON!
there ya go :-) those are really you ONLY two options in this. he's just some guy you barely know, stop treating him like more. :-)0 -
he's just some guy you barely know, stop treating him like more. :-)
Good point!0
