The Friendship List ( possible spoilers)

Katmary71

Hey gang! I started The Friendship List last night and am about 175 pages in now. I really enjoy it so far (obviously) and it has me thinking. As some of you know I was injured fairly young and spent 2 decades over-drugged in bed until I had a fall-out with my pain clinic and cold turkeyed everything, my pain had improved, so I basically decided it was my second chance at life and I started working out and eating healthy and making myself put myself out there and did things that scared me like going back to college. A year ago my pain came back worse than before and I'm even more physically limited but fighting to not end up like I used to be. So my question is if you made a friendship list what would you put on it? I've done most of the things that scared me that I wanted to do except dating and I have a boyfriend now so that's out. I want a tattoo but it would be really expensive for the detail I'd want (dragon with wizard) and I don't have the money. I'm honestly not sure what I'd put on it at this point in my life, if there's something that makes me nervous but I want to do it I make myself. I'd like more friends in my area, my closest friend lives 3 hours away where I grew up but with COVID that is out too. It's hard to do much planning right now but we still have to live our lives and not settle so what would you pick? Oh, I know one but it's a little embarrassing, I want to take a belly dancing class! I've done it at home but with two levels of my back fused it's pretty pathetic. My old neighbor was going to do it with me but we lost touch when she moved. Again I can't do it until my pain is under better control though. What about you?

I'm really hoping Ellen and Keith fall in love!

PKM0515

Hi, Kathy,

I really enjoyed the premise of this book! It made me do a few little things that I was "fear procrastinating" -- not major things, just things that needed to be done but that I was avoiding. (I tend to worry about potential problems before I even get started.)

It's also got me thinking about all the fun things that I avoid for one reason or another. (Fear of making a mistake? Thoughts of everything that could go wrong?)

I'll wait until you're a little further along in the book before discussing specifics. There's something in Unity's life that I relate to a bit.

Katmary71

You sound a lot like me, I can over-analyze just about anything so I try to make myself jump in and do things. I finished the book last night, it was really good, there's a lot we can talk about!

What did you think of Ellen not telling Keith about his daughter?

LondonParisTexas

So finished this morning.Really enjoyed it in fact almost couldnt put it down. So many things rang true with me and it asks a lot of questions certainly about facing change,envisaging change and new starts.I find myself at a stage in my life when I need to consider what changes i want to make and how.I have a job I loathe in a toxic environment which has made me ill. Am I brave enough to do somethong about it and at 56? I really dont know.As for Ellen not telling Keith about Lissa I Think she was right.She could have lost Lissa's trust forever but was pretty safe with not losing Keith's.I think the book also made we wonder just how honest one should be with friends? What do you think? And what about grief? Do we hold on to things,memories,loved ones who've past or beloved animals we have lost, too long ? Look forward to your views.Take care SJ

PKM0515

So glad you both enjoyed the book! As an aside that I think I mentioned elsewhere, I also really enjoyed the author's Mischief Bay "series," which I read out of order. https://mischiefbay.susanmallery.com

Disclaimer: I am not a parent and the following is only my opinion on a work of fiction.

I think Ellen did the right thing not telling Keith about his daughter in this particular instance, especially since Lissa was going to tell him after they got home, but I wasn't happy with how she handled it. I thought booking the separate room and claiming the hotel had made a mistake was disingenuous and a bit ridiculous. I really didn't like that she lied about the hotel to suit her own purposes. And having been discovered, I don't think Lissa and her boyfriend would have "carried on" the next night.

I also thought Ellen's behavior on the trip was inappropriate, especially the conversations on the bus, since they could easily have been overheard. Also, sneaking out of each other's hotel rooms while chaperoning a school trip? Not cool. What if one of the students had needed one of them, in particular, and wasn't able to reach him or her? (Okay, I know it's the age of cell phones, but still.)

There was a lot of dishonesty in this book between the various characters and also with the characters not being honest with themselves. The later is something I can definitely relate to. It is NOT easy being honest with yourself, especially when you need to acknowledge things that need improvement.

Also, I really had an issue with Keith having his daughter on birth control (for how long???) even though she didn't have a need for it and, apparently, told him that repeatedly. You're "saying" you don't trust her. I got the impression this had been going on for a few years. He could easily have made sure she had all the "necessary" information, knew what to do, where to go, and that she could come to him when needed. If you've been having your sexually inactive daughter on birth control for years, why are you acting all surprised when "it" actually happens??? You've been treating her like she's irresponsible and can't be trusted.

Bottom line for Ellen and Keith, if you're expecting a certain standard of behavior, you should model it yourself.

SJ, you raised a lot of good questions, which I'll respond to later. I think I've been long-winded enough for this post!

PKM0515

@Katmary71

Talk about overanalyzing! Read my post above, and I had to stop myself from writing more. I still haven't addressed the other issues raised by

@LondonParisTexas

P.S. At the end of the book, did anyone else wonder if Lissa was still together with her boyfriend? I was hoping she was although part of me wondered if Lissa might wind up with Ellen's son. Do any of you ever make up your own "additional" ending to a story?

(See, once I get started, I don't shut up.)

Katmary71

@PKM0515 I love the Mischief Bay series, I remember the people in it all the time and it's not often characters stay with me like that.

@londonParisTexas Lots of good points! Hm, how close are you to retiring and would you need schooling to do something different? It's a hard choice at this age, I had gone back to college when I was doing better and it would've been more of a job for the money than what I actually enjoy. I stopped going last semester and am not sure what to do now to be honest, I'll be 50 this year. You can't live with a lot of negativity either so if it's making you unhappy I'd really weigh the pros and cons on toughing it out versus finding something you enjoy more.

The reason I asked about the daughter situation is because I was in a situation like that before. It's a tough situation, I can see why she would wait especially with how he was overprotective and they were on the trip. My situation was my friend's daughter telling me she was being molested by her Mom's boyfriend, she was really scared and I encouraged her to tell her mom or we'd do it together. It ruined my friendship with her mom though when it went to court she later called me to let me know I'd done the right thing as the psychologists agreed her daughter had needed an adult to trust and I'd had a friendship with her. I later worked with children and was a mandatory reporter so if it had happened then I wouldn't have had a choice on how I handled it but helping her become strong enough to open up was important at the time and that mattered more to me than the friendship.

I definitely agree about all the carrying on during the trip!

OK, I absolutely disagree with Keith having his daughter on birth control when she wasn't even having sex. I was on it early because of bad cramps (didn't know I had endometriosis until later) but why in the heck would you want your daughter on hormones if it's not needed? I think it shows no trust at all to be like that. I'd resent the heck out of my parent if I was her. I too was wondering if Lissa was still with her boyfriend!

My memory sucks so bad, I'm blanking on Ellen's friend's name! The one who was with Thaddeus! She was kind of frustrating, I get where she was coming from but it was sad too. I've always gotten along with older people, probably because I was injured young and have more in common with them but I see where that would be a "safe" place to be. It's so easy to get trapped in what should have been versus living in the present. I did that for awhile after my nerves were injured, I'd been applying to graduate schools when I had surgery and next thing you know I was bedridden from a routine surgery. My boyfriend and I had been planning to move to San Diego and he couldn't handle me being injured. For a long time I kept thinking I had to get back to where I was instead of accepting where I was and moving forward. I've had people close to me die but not in a situation like a husband or parent so I don't know how I would accept it. It was relatable in the sense that she was going through the motions of what widows are expected to do like grief counseling but not really listening.

LondonParisTexas

All the interesting views!! yes i agree that it is completely inappropriate for a young girl to be put on birth control systematically and for no reason. As the mum of a daughter the main things was to be open and discuss things like bieth control and STD so she was aware of risks.When she was ready at 18 she asked me to make her an appointment with the Dr. That being said it must be difficult for the single father of a daughter.As for Ellen and Keith's behaviour on the trip, I had to laugh because the same thing happened to one of my best friends on a school trip(obviously I dont know all the details) but she and the male teacher hooked up suring a school.trip..both divorced, and are now married. Knowing them they were certainly very discreet and they were alone at a hotel and the kids were with host families.Anyway you are probably right that Ellen and Keith were not so discreet and there could have been problems had the students needed them.
As for my situation Im currently on long term sick leave which will allow me to think about my options. One idea I have is to start a blog or Youtube channel which would enable women to exchange, help and support each other internationally , sharing common experiences and knowledge from health and fitness to beauty and recipes. I don't feel I would or want to return to school, I have pretty diverse qualifications and experience.
I would like to add Angela that I am very much in awe of how you have turned your life around and your positive outlook on life. Very inspirational.

LondonParisTexas

PKM0515 wrote: »

@Katmary71

Talk about overanalyzing! Read my post above, and I had to stop myself from writing more. I still haven't addressed the other issues raised by

@LondonParisTexas

P.S. At the end of the book, did anyone else wonder if Lissa was still together with her boyfriend? I was hoping she was although part of me wondered if Lissa might wind up with Ellen's son. Do any of you ever make up your own "additional" ending to a story?

(See, once I get started, I don't shut up.)

Yes same for me ... I always imagine epilogues to books and films. I thought Ellen and Keith might add to their family!😊

LondonParisTexas

Katmary71 wrote: »

Hey gang! I started The Friendship List last night and am about 175 pages in now. I really enjoy it so far (obviously) and it has me thinking. As some of you know I was injured fairly young and spent 2 decades over-drugged in bed until I had a fall-out with my pain clinic and cold turkeyed everything, my pain had improved, so I basically decided it was my second chance at life and I started working out and eating healthy and making myself put myself out there and did things that scared me like going back to college. A year ago my pain came back worse than before and I'm even more physically limited but fighting to not end up like I used to be. So my question is if you made a friendship list what would you put on it? I've done most of the things that scared me that I wanted to do except dating and I have a boyfriend now so that's out. I want a tattoo but it would be really expensive for the detail I'd want (dragon with wizard) and I don't have the money. I'm honestly not sure what I'd put on it at this point in my life, if there's something that makes me nervous but I want to do it I make myself. I'd like more friends in my area, my closest friend lives 3 hours away where I grew up but with COVID that is out too. It's hard to do much planning right now but we still have to live our lives and not settle so what would you pick? Oh, I know one but it's a little embarrassing, I want to take a belly dancing class! I've done it at home but with two levels of my back fused it's pretty pathetic. My old neighbor was going to do it with me but we lost touch when she moved. Again I can't do it until my pain is under better control though. What about you?

I'm really hoping Ellen and Keith fall in love!

Kathy you are also an extremely inspirational person. I am so admirative of everything you have overcome and feel with your drive you will attain your goals.
One of the things my best friend (who is in the UK whereas Im in France too far away!) And I have on our "List" is to rescue donkeys.I know it's unusual to say the least and the reasons which lead us to this a bit complicated to explain but anyway I would love to buy some land and rescue donkeys. 😍For other list wishes they are on my remarks above to the book!

Katmary71

@LondonParisTexas Thank you! Rescuing donkeys would be fun! I've never rescued anything bigger than a dog, there was a post on Next Door about a found goat and I had to laugh because that's something that I'd find. I don't think I'd been here a month when I called my brother and interrupted his date because I'd rescued a turtle and had it in his cooler.

Let me know if you start a blog or You Tube channel, I love that idea!

I'm glad your daughter was able to be open with you. I don't know how I wouldve been as a mom, I'm pretty open but who knows. It's interesting watching my brother and SIL with my nephews, she's a teacher so she started easing them into it. My poor nephew was given a book on sex and his friends found it, she had to call and talk to their parents but they were relieved they didn't have to do it! Of course my nephew was mortified. If I was Lissa and my dad was forcing bcp on me I wouldn't tell him anything and frankly being scared of getting pregnant was a reason not to sleep with someone and he took that out of the equation, I could easily see a "who cares I'm on the pill anyway" attitude or feeling like because you're already guilty you may as well do it.

PKM0515

Sorry I've been away so long. Kathy and Sarah-Jane, I love what both of you have said!

@Katmary71

There are so many books out there to listen to, but I think I'm actually going to listen to one of the Mischief Bay books again. The one with Zoe and Miguel; I think it's the last one, but I'm not sure.

Can I ask what you were studying in college? I'm so sorry that your plans were derailed due to your injuries/surgery. As Sarah-Jane said, you are so strong and truly an inspiration. You would be a great horticulturist with your love of plants and gardening!

@LondonParisTexas

Thank you for your kind words! Also, I'm glad I'm not alone in "continuing the story."

I love your idea of starting a blog or YouTube channel! It's something I've considered myself, but I know I'm not likely to do it in reality. I also love the idea of rescuing donkeys.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, Sarah-Jane. I actually took early retirement at the beginning of last year. For now, I am SO enjoying being retired.

I didn't lose a spouse, but grief is difficult and can definitely hold you back. I could relate to a lot of what Unity was experiencing.

Katmary71

@PKM0515 I was studying psychology with an emphasis on research. I was taking the GREs for graduate school when I had surgery and was injured so I only applied it with children and teens in a residential treatment center. Most researchers are professors and I wasn't sure how I'd handle that as I abhor public speaking.