I am invisible

HeatherHoskins

Hi guys,

So it is very hard for me to have small talk with random people (people in line at the store, parents of other kids at a playground) but I have never come across as timid. I have been noticing lately that when I do say something, other people do no respond but merely look at me like I am crazy. At first I thought that I was saying something stupid and not on the same page as the others. Last week I went on vacation and my husband noticed it. No matter what I said people would not engage in the conversation or even throw me a smile. I have realized that I have gained so much weight that society does not want anything to do with me. I have always been big but I have never experienced anything like this. To top it off, when I come back from vacation 2 of my MFP friends dropped me. I could very easily get depressed right now but instead I am going to use it as motivation.

ecka723

I am very sorry you were treated this way. I have noticed at times that I have been treated this way, too.

ldrosophila

That's never a good feeling, and there's not much advice to offer besides just be yourself. Sorry about the friend drop you dont need them if they are that picky. Some people forget there is life outside of MFP.

candylilacs

I've been dropped by MFPers. I'm kinda happy with the smaller circles anyway.

Being fat is like being invisible -- yet not. I do recall getting disgusted looks by some people, too. (I *hated* the staring at my belly! \) But today I went to my bi monthly Whole Foods shopping trip and flirted with the burrito boy who always gives me free extra cheese. I remembered that he told me that he was half Aztec, so I mentioned that and he told me he was stressed out about his apartment situation.

A friend of mine told me that her mission in life now (since she's hit 60) is to simply have connection and compassion with people wherever she goes. So she puts herself out there.

I find that when I feel good people respond better to me. I felt good when I talked to the burrito boy.

jemethyst

I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this. It dos amaze me how "invisible" people seem to treat the overweight, and out of habit without pebbly realizing it. In turn though the attention we do get often is of the negative, the rude comments and stares. What I feel is worse is the "unattention" attention..like the whispers about how big you are but then pretending not to "see" you when you turn your own attention to them. .. Or
..for example my best friend and I were getting tattoos at the same time...my tattoo artist ( using the term loosely as that was the first and last ill ever have him do) was working on me but was showing off for her...and never once asked how I was. He then started asking questions about her, like if she was single or not... By that point I was feeling uncomfortable because of his lack ..and obvious diverted attention and a little pissed. I said what truly came to mind in a flash..."you don't have a chance, I'm more her type" even though she has a fiancé. He finally "kinda" looked at me and asked if this was my first tattoo, as he was doing the finishing cleanup. Blown away all I could say was "seriously?" (I have multiple, some were very visible at the time)

HeatherHoskins

My husband keeps trying to get me to put myself out there and I am finally taking his advise. I will just have to overlook the crazy stares until I loose enough weight for them to stop happening.

I love that you are talking to the burrito boy. I think small little flirtations with people are the ones that create the butterfly's in our belly and make us smile all day long. You go Girl!!

HeatherHoskins

Thank you for your post. I had similar experience at a tattoo shop. I went in with my ex boy friend and they fought right in front of me for him. Neither wanted to do mine and I was only 200 lbs back then. I can't wait until I get back to that point

HeatherHoskins

Thank you everyone for your comments. It feels great to get some support and great advice.

carofenice1

It is a horrible feeling and I am so sorry that you have experienced it. I have too and it is never easy. Thank goodness there are some great and supportive people on here. I know it doesnt make up for the "real" world but it is a start to feeling visible.

glenclouser

My heart goes out to you. I have experienced things similar to that and have felt that society doesn't want me. I have found this to be a figment of my paranoia at times and at other times i have been correct. Some people are jacka$$ morons and are a waste of air. The best thing I can do and I suggest to you is remember that you have the keys to who you let in to your life. Kick the non supportive people out. Have a safe circle of friends and family and lean on them. They will be the ones you can trust to help motivate you when you are down and they are the ones who deserve the right to celebrate your victories. The other jacka$$es don't deserve it.
I hope you have a few of these good people in your life. You certainly deserve it. Don't settle for less.

phasesme

I feel very sad when I hear you say that your invisible...I only have one question. Do you want to be invisible? I am can remember a time when I felt something similar but you know what. I wanted to be invisible and I was. I went through a relationship that broke my self esteem and I wanted to go by(unconsciously) unseen. My self consciousness was almost like a cloak of invisibility.I am a big girl. 350lb pounds worth and I am not invisible. I got myself out of that rut and WANTED to be apart of the world. Now I smile and people smile back...Now don't get me wrong there is always a jerk or two out there but I honestly usually don't even notice those people. What I did notice is the more confident and happy you are the m ore people naturally gravitate towards you. It probably has very little to do with your weight ...II don't know if this is the case with you too but hope you can put yourself out there like your husband suggests and loose your cloak of invisibility.

1802go

Sounds like Ca. people out here are to the point of being rude, dirty looks like your going to mug them? Its like fat make you not worth talking to or contagious .... I do less and less because of the attitude out there? I am very lonely .. even the heavy people I say hi to turn the other way?? I just dont understand it??? Very depressed. :[:ohwell:

eys81

I'm glad that you posted this because I thought I was the only one. Although I would rather be invisible to people than be treated like **** by them any day. I am timid and shy by nature but I do know that the bigger I've gotten it switched from just being shy to full blown social anxiety disorder. My husband tries to get me out there too but I'm pretty close to being a full on hermit. I've also noticed that I've internalized this feeling of invisibility when it come to my personal identity as well. I don't really feel like a person some days, certainly not like a 'woman', most of the time I feel like a piece of furniture, just there. To the point now that it surprises(more like shocks) me when people do notice me as being an actual person. I think that the disassociation is just a way of coping with the pain of being so big. But in my heart of hearts I don't want to be invisible or a piece of furniture. I guess that's one of the big reasons that I'm here, trying, because I want to be 'real' again and get to experience my life.

Thanks so much for posting this subject, reading other peoples experiences and writing about my own has helped my understand it. :flowerforyou:

JDBLY11

My husband keeps trying to get me to put myself out there and I am finally taking his advise. I will just have to overlook the crazy stares until I loose enough weight for them to stop happening.

I love that you are talking to the burrito boy. I think small little flirtations with people are the ones that create the butterfly's in our belly and make us smile all day long. You go Girl!!

I live in a small town in the south and don't really notice that from other women. I have never actually been picked on or attacked because of my weight by people other than the times I was not treated well when I went to elementary and middle school. I feel worse about myself if I am unkempt or not dressing nicely. I know guys don't treat me the same way when I am so heavy, but that is not a big deal to me. I like being off the radar. I think feeling good about myself is most important.

JDBLY11

Sounds like Ca. people out here are to the point of being rude, dirty looks like your going to mug them? Its like fat make you not worth talking to or contagious .... I do less and less because of the attitude out there? I am very lonely .. even the heavy people I say hi to turn the other way?? I just dont understand it??? Very depressed. :[:ohwell:

I used to live up North, and while I would not say they are not friendly, many people there are just are not the type to get into a conversation with anyone they meet. They are hurrying to get where they are going. It really is not because of you. Sometimes people just want to talk to people they know or not talk at all northerner or southerner. They may just be scared to talk to you as well.

StheK

I think that being invisible is part of the reason I got so fat. I wanted to be invisible. I didn't want to be noticed. It was my way of existing in the world while having to deal with as few people as possible. The problem is that you can't turn it on or off. On the rare occasions when I wanted to be noticed (trying to get the bartender's attention, wanting to impress my boss, etc.), it backfired. That was something I could live with for a long time. I guess I'm kind of over that need to hide now, which is one reason I'm here. I realized that I could avoid people without trying to kill myself in the process- I didn't need that physical barrier to the world. I hope I maintain that perspective, and I wish you luck in emerging from your own invisibility cloak.

TheRainIsGone

I'm so sorry for your pain, I can completely relate. I still get ignored by some, and treated like I'm invisible. (expletive) them!

And people tend to loudly discuss their exercise plans and fitness in front of me, probably thinking they're helping. It happened just the other day at the post office, the two skinnies in line next to me were going on and on about their visits to the gym and eating healthy. Neither of them could see me, I was apparently wearing my invisible cloak, it's a superpower of obese people.
I used to cry over rude comments, stares, remarks from strangers about what I had in my grocery-shopping cart, or passive-aggressive "accidentally overheard" lectures.

But when I hit my 40's I had a change of attitude. I'm not sure why, I just didn't care anymore. It was like I became immune to it.
The last time someone stared at me, I *glared* back until she looked away. ("Go ahead, say something to me so I can tell you off!")

Something good that comes from it is, you are more compassionate towards others, because you know what it feels like to be treated like you're different. This makes you a better person than them.

Please don't let it get you down. Concentrate on feeling better, and working toward having a longer, happier more fun-filled life with your husband, daughter, and whomever else you're close to. "To heck" with the strangers, you don't need their approval, they do not matter!
Don't let them steal your joy.
*Hugs* to you.