I feel like I'm in denial.

bethfartman

I'm 28 and have been struggling with endometriosis since I was a teenager. I've had two surgeries, but the pain has become considerably worse over the last couple years or so (largely due to the surgeries, it turns out), but I'm managing pretty well with pain meds, physical therapy, meditation, counseling, and exercise.

The primary thing that's started to concern me is that I might be truly infertile. My boyfriend and I have been trying for a couple years now, but nothing has happened so far. In a way I'm glad because in a perfect world I wouldn't want kids in my 20's, but I know the older I get the less likely it will be that I conceive so we wanted to start trying as soon as possible. I honestly thought I'd be pregnant within a year, but two and a half years later still nothing. Children have always been in my future plans, without them I'm unsure where I'm headed. I've started heavily focusing on finishing school, desperately trying to forge a path that will give me a sense of purpose in my life without children to raise. I've started somewhat obsessing over my dog's, boyfriend's and my own health, trying to focus my nurturing qualities on something tangible. I've taken up new sports and hobbies. I'm working harder at maintaining friendships. I'm trying to improve upon shortcomings I see in myself, striving to be a positive loving person. I'm doing all these things to make my existence feel as fulfilling as possible because I'm scared I'm only going to have myself to focus on for the rest of my life. I still believe in my heart of hearts it will happen someday, but I'm beginning to really think I'm kidding myself.

My question to you ladies is, how do you come to terms with not being able to have children? How do find purpose in your life elsewhere? When do you give up?

Any books or blog suggestions would be greatly appreciated as well.

Mel2626

Sorry for the short and sweet answer but I'm going through this now as well so if you need anyone to talk to, I'm all ears. The thing that makes it even crazier is that my bf and I were trying for a while to have kids as well and then found out that due to the testicular cancer he had when he was in his early 20's that he's now unable to have biological children of his own. So that was one blow, then we decided for me to try and get as healthy as possible so we'd at least have the chance at having me carry a child only to find I have problem after problem and I'm 99.9% sure I can't get pregnant on my own either. Having him diagnosed earlier in the relationship I think helped me a lot because I've been through the sort of mourning process of dealing with it. The emotional pain is not as strong as it once was and some days I even think I'm fine without kids or just being a part of my nieces and nephews lives will be enough for me. Other days I'm a wreck feeling I'll regret later on in life if I don't have children of my own in some way. I don't honestly have an answer for you since I'm sort of in the same boat but like I said I'm hear for you if you need it.
Mel

amyreulet

I am sorry you are going through this. I have endo since I basically started my period at 12 years old. I have been through a few surgeries and 2 years ago had one of my ovaries removed. After a miscarriage in 2005, I gave my body a 3 month rest and was able to have my daughter. But it was a very rough pregnancy. I am now 37 and would like to have at least one more, but my doctor told me that with my endo and fibroids it may not be possible. He wants to do a complete hysterectomy, I am not ready yet. I am blessed to have one child, but I was not able to have her till I was almost 30, So don't give up! Its a rough road for us endo sisters. No one knows our pain better then us!

bethfartman

Thanks for the heartfelt and encouraging responses- I was really feeling down when I posted this originally. I gave myself a break on tracking for the holidays, so I didn't see either of your responses until now. It's a rough diagnosis to contend with, but I've been feeling much more positive lately. It's most tough having a constant painful reminder of your infertility, but lately I figure life is short and there's no sense worrying about what may or may not happen for me and I'm trying to just focus on the 'now' for now.

SeasideOasis

I was told I too couldn't have children, however, since I was given that news it was in early 2007. Since I was told, I can't tell you the amount of women who have shared their stories with me about how they were still able to conceive, some multiple times, after their diagnosis! Personally, I still stay on birth control even after I was diagnosed because of all the stories. I'm a little more lucky than most because I've never been the 'have kids; type of woman. I've been dating a wonderful man whom shared by personal belief, so it makes it a lot easier for me to cope with all of it.

My big sister had Endometriosis too with one ovary removed! After not being able to get pregnant for a long time she had my twin nephews and then a little over a year later was pregnant with my niece with one ovary....She got that tube tied after haha

Long and short...Never give up. If it is meant to happen, it will. If not, just remember there are are options for adoption or using someone elses eggs. It may not be your DNA, but that doesn't stop the love and bond of a mother and daughter.

mrslynah

Hey, there. I happened upon your post and I just wanted to chime in with what will hopefully be encouragement. I was diagnosed with Stage IV Endo at age 23 after years upon years of suffering. From my first period at age 10, nothing was normal. At the time of my diagnosis, my first daughter was 3 years old. I had conceived easily and carried her to term- despite a very horrific pregnancy and near-loss in 2nd trimester, eclampsia at 38 weeks, and seizure (me, not the baby) following birth. Besides having endo that tied my bowel to fallopian tubes and involved inoperable portions of my bladder, I also was considered extremely high risk due to all the complications I had with my first. To compound matters, my relationship with my daughter's father was a heartbreaking dead-end, which ended once and for all when she was 4 years old. At that point, my doctor was saying, "If you want another, you really need to go ahead. Time is running out." I had three surgeries and was on countless meds to keep my 24/7 pain under control so I could function as mother, student and employee. My friends and family encouraged me to have a hysterectomy, but in my heart and literally in my sleep, I dreamed of another little girl. Well, a lot of life and faith and miracles later, I married my husband, and together, he and I and my 8 year old daughter welcomed that baby girl of my dreams into our family. Once again, I had a very complicated pregnancy with near-loss in the 2nd trimester. Lots of hospitals, ambulance, etc. But today, I have a 10 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter. They are miracles. I have seen miracles. If you dream of children, don't give up. Just because you have endo or have not conceived without birth control, does NOT mean that you cannot conceive. All the best to each of you..