Living the Lifestyle, Wildcard Friday! 8-19-2022

steve0mania

This is a thread for everyone. If you're new to GoaD, or to weight loss, your questions and comments are always welcome. If you're maintaining, or a long-term loser, your thoughts on the topic may be just what someone else needs to hear. If you're reading this, join in the discussion!

Each weekday, a new topic is offered up for discussion.

Monday - crewahl (Charlie)
Tuesday – Flintwinch (Tim)
Wednesday - misterhub (Greg)
Thursday -imastar2 (Derrick)
Friday - Wildcard

Today's Topic: Accepting responsibility.

I know we all claim to accept responsibility for our actions, but I, for one, know that I often fool myself and claim that "evil external factors" caused things to happen. I was reflecting on my LTL answer from yesterday, that included an idea (for me) that "steroids made me fat." Yes, steroids gave me hunger, but I'm the one who shoved the food into my mouth.

I'm (re)reading a book that makes the point that we interpret our past to preserve the self-image that we built up: "It's not my fault that something happened. I'm flawless in my actions. Thus, it's somebody or something else's fault." We tell ourselves stories about our past that make us look good.

This has an important implication for truth and accepting responsibility. We often can't make peace with something or someone because that would break the story we've been telling ourselves. I can't, for example, apologize for my role in damaging a relationship because it would force me to admit that I'm imperfect, or was imperfect in the past.

My book has a great quote on this: "Forgiveness, it has been said, means giving up our hopes for a better past."

So, if you're willing to share, tell us about something you've been fooling yourself about, and if you've resolved it, how did you do it?

steve0mania

I have so many things that I fool myself about, and I have built up quite the façade around myself to project an imagine that I like. It's hard to admit this, even in this semi-anonymous group. I'll give one example, but it's one that I've spent a lot of time working through and processing, and so the "sting" is a little less than it might be for other fresher challenges.

In my last job I became very unhappy. I claimed it was because my supervisor(s) was bad. I claimed this person wasn't smart, wasn't a good leader, wasn't able to see the big picture, etc. I likewise claimed that I was way smarter and had much better vision than this person. I spent some time challenging this person and setting myself up for battles that there was no chance of winning. I ultimately wrote a scathing note demanding changes in my position, new responsibilities, and a new domain to rule over. Of course, this was never going to happen, particularly given the way I was acting.

At the time it all seemed perfectly justified to me. If this person wasn't as smart and visionary as me, well, screw them, right?

That process set up a series of consequences that ultimately led to my leaving the place. I was lucky, in that I landed a job that was better suited to my particular skills and hopes for the future.

Thankfully, as I was leaving, I really came to appreciate my role in the process. I realized that I was unable to function as a member of the team. I needed to prove that I was smart, or important, or whatever. I needed to be shown some respect for my expertise. These were all internal issues, and were the basis for my behavior. I ultimately accepted the idea that all of the problems I had were really my own doing.

I resolved to act differently when I got to the new job. I focused on being more of a team player, rather than a lone wolf. It was hard work, but I think I needed to have that kick in the rear end to change my direction and attitude.

I think I did pretty well in my new job. I have gotten a lot of satisfaction out of it, and recalibrating my attitude allowed me to enjoy the success of the whole institute, rather than my own personal success.

Clearly there is still a lot to work on, but I feel like I've got a handle (a beginning handle, anyway) on this particular area.

crewahl

About fifteen years into my career, I was selected for a “Advanced Management Program”. There were fifty of us, split into teams of seven or eight, and we were given an assignment and an executive sponsor (SVPs orEVPs).

Over time, member of our seven person team went on different levels of their careers. One ended up as CEO of our Fortune 109 company, another became President of our Commercial Lines of Insurance, and a third became head of Personal Lines Claims. Me? I advanced to a Director level, but ended up dropping back and ended my career as an individual contributor.

I’ve told myself it was a result of my desire to do work I enjoyed and was good at. Five years past retirement, though, I’m accepting the fact that I wasn’t as socially adept or as driven as these people. I also wasn’t as good at delivering hard messages and holding people strictly accountable. In essence, my career path wasn’t a personal choice as much as it was a valid judgment by the organization of my strengths and weaknesses.

I’m still happy with my career, but I’m coming to terms with the idea that I simply wasn’t good enough to accomplish more than I did.