Need advice

raige123

Started talking to a guy online back the end of June ... we didn't end up meeting until August 19th. We have been dating since the day we met ... so just over 2 weeks now. He is cute and incredibly sweet and treats me like an absolute princess ... a nice treat from the guys I have been dating this summer. He says he wants to be in a relationship with me ... I have told him it is way too soon to be even thinking about that but something is definitely missing for me though. I don't have that spark with him. He wants me to go away with him this weekend but I feel guilty going knowing how I feel. He really wants me to go. Should I still go, or do the right thing and bow out now. We have a date tonight and I think ending it tonight is the right thing. Advice?

gym_king_carlie

personally I think you have to look what effect going away would have

If you did go away would he consider that the next level? if your not feeling it, its best not to lead him on to a big heart break? from reading that it sounds like your don't want to upset him, im in a similar situation but I decided the best option was to be cruel to be kind by ending things sooner than later, every situation is different, good luck

AnnaPixie

Well, I kinda think that if you've made your mind up to end it, then it's pointless going away with him. Your heart wont be in it.

There really does need to be mutual attraction for it to work. Being 'treated like a princess' is not enough to sustain a relationship.

Good luck. I hope you can muster the courage to do the right thing for you both. I know it's not easy :flowerforyou:

raige123

personally I think you have to look what effect going away would have

If you did go away would he consider that the next level? if your not feeling it, its best not to lead him on to a big heart break? from reading that it sounds like your don't want to upset him, im in a similar situation but I decided the best option was to be cruel to be kind by ending things sooner than later, every situation is different, good luck

I do care about his feelings and hate being on this end of it this time ... cruel to be kind is a good way of putting it. I think he is going to be hurt no matter what.

raige123

Well, I kinda think that if you've made your mind up to end it, then it's pointless going away with him. Your heart wont be in it.

There really does need to be mutual attraction for it to work. Being 'treated like a princess' is not enough to sustain a relationship.

Good luck. I hope you can muster the courage to do the right thing for you both. I know it's not easy :flowerforyou:

Thanks! Courage is exactly what I need because I feel like the biggest *kitten*!

christine24t

Raige just want to offer a little advice here, please don't take offense but I see you post frequently that you have problems with dating. Perhaps your problem is that you are moving too fast? I see you get swirled up in all these emotions and dive right in. Perhaps next time take it slow...chat a little, meet up, date a while and then have a grown up nature talk about what dating means to you. It seems like you give 100% rather quickly. Maybe I'm naive and people can back me up or not, but to me it's moving quickly to meet a guy August 19th and then say you're dating that day. You went on ONE date with this fella. Give it a few dates next time and then have a conversation about it.

You are an adult, act like it. The way you frame your relationships sound naive and teenager-like and well, you're not a teenager.

Sorry if that came out harsh but I had to call it like I saw it.

dbrightwell1270

My thoughts are probably a little harsher than Christine's. Based on your previous posts, I imagine that if this guy had treated you like crap and been indifferent toward you, you'd be chasing after him, thinking he walked on water. Since he is showing a desire to be with, if you saw him walk on water, you'd think he couldn't swim and that would be a deal breaker.

lacroyx

Don't go. It's cruel to give him hope making him think you are into him when you are not.

kimad

First off I agree with Christine. I think if you slow down a bit, get some firm boundaries in place, realize what's important in a partners etc and finally, trust your gut dating wouldn't be so difficult. Yes you will still meet d-bags or nice men that aren't for you but you can move on quicker with no doubt.

Situation is hard for me. I wasn't sure I had a spark with my current boyfriend. I struggled greatly if I should move on or not. I'm so glad I didn't because we are in love (ahhh) and things are going fantastic . If you are certain though then you should call it off.

The concern over the weekend away is that he may be looking at it as the next level and want sex maybe?? So if you still wanna date him but aren't sure about him and/or not ready for sex then you really shouldn't go. Just decline and suggest another date idea and a good person would respect that.

Your call to make but sounds like the trip is a bad idea from what you've said.

On my phone not correcting typos lol

jenbit

My thoughts are probably a little harsher than Christine's. Based on your previous posts, I imagine that if this guy had treated you like crap and been indifferent toward you, you'd be chasing after him, thinking he walked on water. Since he is showing a desire to be with, if you saw him walk on water, you'd think he couldn't swim and that would be a deal breaker.

I'm with DB. YOur post about men have consitanly talked about how badly they treat you and throw your feelings through a ringer...... You need to not meet up with this poor guy so he can find a girl who likes him

raige123

Raige just want to offer a little advice here, please don't take offense but I see you post frequently that you have problems with dating. Perhaps your problem is that you are moving too fast? I see you get swirled up in all these emotions and dive right in. Perhaps next time take it slow...chat a little, meet up, date a while and then have a grown up nature talk about what dating means to you. It seems like you give 100% rather quickly. Maybe I'm naive and people can back me up or not, but to me it's moving quickly to meet a guy August 19th and then say you're dating that day. You went on ONE date with this fella. Give it a few dates next time and then have a conversation about it.

You are an adult, act like it. The way you frame your relationships sound naive and teenager-like and well, you're not a teenager.

Sorry if that came out harsh but I had to call it like I saw it.

To me, dating is the beginning stage when you are learning about someone ... you go on dates, learn about them and see if you want to evolve into seeing them. From seeing them exclusively you can evolve into a relationship. I know everyone phrases stages of relationships differently but to me ... meet - dating - seeing each other exclusively - relationship - engagement - marriage - grow old together. So yes based on the way I view it we have been dating ... and I'm the one with my heels dug in the ground trying to slow this down with this guy.

MissingMinnesota

I think you are desperate to be in a realtionship but only want it with guys that don't want you. Have you actually taken time to learn who you are without a guy in your life or do you just hop out of one relationship to another? Is this the same guy that was in Europe? Really I can't keep up with the different dating situations that you get in. Maybe you can provide us all with an excel spreadsheet so it can be a little clearer.

raige123

I think you are desperate to be in a realtionship but only want it with guys that don't want you. Have you actually taken time to learn who you are without a guy in your life or do you just hop out of one relationship to another? Is this the same guy that was in Europe? Really I can't keep up with the different dating situations that you get in. Maybe you can provide us all with an excel spreadsheet so it can be a little clearer.

I have discovered I need to be alone and just go on dates here and there. I'm still not ready to put myself out there ... it's only been 3 months since my ex and I split!

pa_jorg

No need to answer your original question because you already know the answer! What I'm curious about though is why if you know what you should be doing are you asking for approval? Do you not trust your own decisions that you need to justify them with others? Do you do this in other areas of your life too or just dating? Just my two cents and a few things for you to think about...

raige123

No need to answer your original question because you already know the answer! What I'm curious about though is why if you know what you should be doing are you asking for approval? Do you not trust your own decisions that you need to justify them with others? Do you do this in other areas of your life too or just dating? Just my two cents and a few things for you to think about...

honestly ... I asked because I have heard from quite a few people who said "maybe he'll grow on you" and "just give it some time" ... and I'm wondering if walking was actually the best decision.

I'm sorry everyone in here feels like I am child in the decisions I have made. I came here to ask advice because everyone here is always supportive and has good advice (even if it's not what you want to hear). This is a single's forum ... I am so far removed from the game I don't know how to play. In the past 11 years I have only been in a relationship for 8 months (just ending 3 months ago) and only just started dating again so I have no idea how to do this anymore. I never really did so I'm sorry I asked everyone for advice. I won't do it again.

UsedToBeHusky

I think you are desperate to be in a realtionship but only want it with guys that don't want you. Have you actually taken time to learn who you are without a guy in your life or do you just hop out of one relationship to another? Is this the same guy that was in Europe? Really I can't keep up with the different dating situations that you get in. Maybe you can provide us all with an excel spreadsheet so it can be a little clearer.

This post was really harsh, and unnecessary. God forbid a member of the 'Single Peeps' group wants to discuss her experiences as a single woman in the modern dating world in a forum designated for such activities. If you don't like Raige's posts, don't read them.

Personally, it's sentimentalities like this that have caused me to have a really sour taste in my mouth for this group. You all are exceptionally judgmental of anyone who posts here, but rarely bother to offer up any experiences of your own for which we could all judge in turn.

RunIntheMud

I have discovered I need to be alone and just go on dates here and there. I'm still not ready to put myself out there ... it's only been 3 months since my ex and I split!

You've just answered your own question. You are not ready for anything other than just dates here and there. You two are looking for different types of relationships and a weekend trip will just lead the poor man on. Yes, you can let someone grow on you by getting to know them. You don't do it by forcing a relationship and just going through the motions because he's "nice". There are plenty of nice guys in the world. You're not going to have a spark with each of them but there will be one (when the time is right).

2stepz

I think you are desperate to be in a realtionship but only want it with guys that don't want you. Have you actually taken time to learn who you are without a guy in your life or do you just hop out of one relationship to another? Is this the same guy that was in Europe? Really I can't keep up with the different dating situations that you get in. Maybe you can provide us all with an excel spreadsheet so it can be a little clearer.

This post was really harsh, and unnecessary. God forbid a member of the 'Single Peeps' group wants to discuss her experiences as a single woman in the modern dating world in a forum designated for such activities. If you don't like Raige's posts, don't read them.

Personally, it's sentimentalities like this that have caused me to have a really sour taste in my mouth for this group. You all are exceptionally judgmental of anyone who posts here, but rarely bother to offer up any experiences of your own for which we could all judge in turn.

I think there is a necessity to the harshness at this point. Sometimes you have to be a little mean to open someone's eyes when they either won't listen, or agree and then do something else. When she posts situations like this, but then can honestly answer

I have discovered I need to be alone and just go on dates here and there. I'm still not ready to put myself out there ... it's only been 3 months since my ex and I split!

there's something to be said for holding a mirror to one's face. If you can't put yourself out there, don't date! It's not fair to the guy, and it's just confusing to YOU and to us.

pa_jorg

No need to answer your original question because you already know the answer! What I'm curious about though is why if you know what you should be doing are you asking for approval? Do you not trust your own decisions that you need to justify them with others? Do you do this in other areas of your life too or just dating? Just my two cents and a few things for you to think about...

honestly ... I asked because I have heard from quite a few people who said "maybe he'll grow on you" and "just give it some time" ... and I'm wondering if walking was actually the best decision.

I'm sorry everyone in here feels like I am child in the decisions I have made. I came here to ask advice because everyone here is always supportive and has good advice (even if it's not what you want to hear). This is a single's forum ... I am so far removed from the game I don't know how to play. In the past 11 years I have only been in a relationship for 8 months (just ending 3 months ago) and only just started dating again so I have no idea how to do this anymore. I never really did so I'm sorry I asked everyone for advice. I won't do it again.

Despite what someone else said, I don't find any of these posts to be too harsh. Everyone here seems to be giving you what you claim to want, which is advice (even if it's not what you want to hear) as you mentioned. Personally, I think almost every responder wrote something that is a valuable take away for you to think about, question yourself about, and perhaps grow on as an individual. Like their point of view or not, most of the Peeps are giving you honest feedback and not some sugar-coated BS. I'll admit that I'm having a hard time keeping your story straight from all the posts you've written recently, so I'm guessing others might feel the same too, which causes confusion.

jesusHchris

I recently invited a girl on a lavish cruise through the Greek Islands. She apparently felt the same way you did and broke it off.

I honestly felt the same way and would have broke it off eventually. But the cruise was free and we enjoyed each other's company and it would have been cool to go together. I would not have cared if she broke it off right after. I would probably have been a bit relieved, actually.

Go and have fun. Figure it out later.

Edit: I didn't read any of the replies above, but just assume I agree with anything the smart people say also. Which is probably the opposite of what I said.

christine24t

I recently invited a girl on a lavish cruise through the Greek Islands. She apparently felt the same way you did and broke it off.

I honestly felt the same way and would have broke it off eventually. But the cruise was free and we enjoyed each other's company and it would have been cool to go together. I would not have cared if she broke it off right after. I would probably have been a bit relieved, actually.

Go and have fun. Figure it out later.

Edit: I didn't read any of the replies above, but just assume I agree with anything the smart people say also. Which is probably the opposite of what I said.

You might have felt fine but she might've felt awful doing that. The thing is is you have no idea how the other person will react. This guy may not care...or he may have felt like "wow I just did all this and she broke up with me." So to me, better not go than go.

jesusHchris

You might have felt fine but she might've felt awful doing that. The thing is is you have no idea how the other person will react. This guy may not care...or he may have felt like "wow I just did all this and she broke up with me." So to me, better not go than go.

I disagree. Not going is just another attempt at controlling the emotions of the guy. You are assuming he thinks this is taking some plunge and attempting to save him from certain doom here. But you're right - you don't know. He may just want to enjoy some good company and you are taking that away from him.

Let's all assume the guy is an adult with a grip on himself and his emotions. If he invites a girl to go somewhere with him, it means he wants the company. If he is trying to take some sort of emotional plunge, he will make this known. Let it be his decision to mitigate his own feelings and intentions. He already knows she thinks it is too soon for a relationship. Let him proceed as he wishes.

Also, give him anal. It's the right thing to do for putting up with all this.

AnnaPixie

I disagree. Not going is just another attempt at controlling the emotions of the guy. You are assuming he thinks this is taking some plunge and attempting to save him from certain doom here. But you're right - you don't know. He may just want to enjoy some good company and you are taking that away from him.

You have an excellent point here Chris :smooched: I didnt consider it from this angle, but I have been the subject of some guy thinking he could save me from myself too! It was rather annoying!! And completely uncalled for when I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.

I guess my only proviso would be to tell the guy straight that it would just be for 'company' (if you have no intention of progressing the relationship) and reiterate that you're not ready for a 'relationship'.



Obviously the guy could then turn round and say "but I at least expected anal" and then you can slap him and go on your merry way!! :laugh: :laugh:

jesusHchris

Obviously the guy could then turn round and say "but I at least expected anal" and then you can slap him and go on your merry way!! :laugh: :laugh:

Is that the only plausible reaction?

AnnaPixie

Obviously the guy could then turn round and say "but I at least expected anal" and then you can slap him and go on your merry way!! :laugh: :laugh:

Is that the only plausible reaction?

I'm desperately trying to think of another based on 2 weeks dating and no sex yet.........hmmm! I'll come back to you :smokin:

raige123

I ended things with him tonight. I knew based on his feelings he would be hurt ... didn't expect what he said. He told me he has fallen for me and he isn't giving up and he will fight for me! I don't even know what to say to that. :frown:

PlayerHatinDogooder

Sounds like another stalker has just been born.

I would just not return his calls or texts. If he still doesn't get the hint sleep with his best friend or something.

atjays

Sounds to me like you did the right thing, if your heart isn't there it just won't happen. What he said seemed quite desperate though, I guess see how that goes but likely you'll have to give him the cold shoulder if he continues to make it weird

raige123

Sounds to me like you did the right thing, if your heart isn't there it just won't happen. What he said seemed quite desperate though, I guess see how that goes but likely you'll have to give him the cold shoulder if he continues to make it weird

I'm going to have to give him the cold shoulder. He called last night and I foolishly answered and he had me on the phone for an hour and a half trying to convince me to rethink things. I've never been in this situation ... where I have ended things and the guy wants to hang on and "fight for us" (as he put it). I feel like a truly horrible person.

gym_king_carlie

for something so new he shouldn't be begging or trying to convince you, he convinced you once (the approach and the dates) you tried and tested, it wasn't for you, that's fair, just don't fall for any emotional blackmail because his constant phoning and texting in my opinion is unfair, some people just never want to accept the truth. reality is, your just not into him and now he thinks throwing the ''falling for you'' or the ''I love you card'' will make you change your mind and everything will be all hunky dory. Don't fall for it, your just going to hurt yourself and waste your time.

raige123

for something so new he shouldn't be begging or trying to convince you, he convinced you once (the approach and the dates) you tried and tested, it wasn't for you, that's fair, just don't fall for any emotional blackmail because his constant phoning and texting in my opinion is unfair, some people just never want to accept the truth. reality is, your just not into him and now he thinks throwing the ''falling for you'' or the ''I love you card'' will make you change your mind and everything will be all hunky dory. Don't fall for it, your just going to hurt yourself and waste your time.

emotional blackmail ... pretty much, lol.