A bit of a rant, but also would like some advice/support.

ShannonKirton

This morning I went to drop off my daughter to her grandmother (my husband's mother) to spend the day as school is not back in session just yet. There was a quick conversation about an invitation to dinner, which I politely declined because I would be at the gym until later tonight due to my classes. She asked me if my hubby would be coming, to which I answered yes. SOMEHOW, we got onto what they were going to be eating and if I could eat any of it. The answer to most of the food was no. Plain and simple. She asked me if I wanted her to put some food aside so that my husband could take it home for me. Again the answer was no thanks. I had already planned out my day and I wanted to stick to it.

All of a sudden she looks at me with this disapproving look on her face and says, "you're not still trying to lose weight are you?"

Before I blew my lid at her, I decided to answer a polite no. I was aiming now at building muscle and toning up.

For those of you who don't know, I am 5'9", presently 148lbs and not at all "boney". If you look at my last updated picture of myself in my bikini, you will see that I am not looking ill, nor underweight. (at least this is my opinion)

The same said mother-in-law once went to a weight loss "camp" here in Barbados and got down to about 140lbs. Now she is taller than I am at 5'11" but for her that weight was fine and she was healthy and happy, but me now, apparently I'm not looking healthy and I'm too skinny! Help me here with this logic people!!

My sister-in-law (again on my husband's side) tells me the other day that I should be careful I don't end up anorexic or bulimic. My question to her was simple. Have you ever seen me not eat? Have you ever seen me excuse myself right after a meal to use the rest room? No!!!! I have never had, nor will I ever have an eating disorder!! For the record, I love food way too much and I wouldn't even wish an ED on my worst enemy. I know what it does to people and it isn't pretty.

My boss now, he's the worst! He arrives at my desk in the middle of the working day and in his not at all quiet voice tells me that I need to put on weight. He has done this several times in the last few months, and has even complained that I am "costing him a lot of money" because we are provided with uniforms. Just for the record, I am currently a size 8 down from a 14/16 and the smallest suits I own are 1 size 10 and 2 size 12s. He gave every woman in the office the other day a dress to wear and asked me for my size which I gave him. He said there was no way I was that small and told me "well if you think you're an 8, then go try this dress on." I did and it fit. He refused to let me take home the 8 and instead gave me a size 10. WTF!!!!!!!!!! So I'm walking around the office looking like a homeless person who found some clothes on the side of the street!

He constantly arrives at my desk bearing food that I refuse to eat. Chocolates, cakes, cookies, fishcakes etc. Why is this man targeting me? He keeps asking me as well if my husband is happy with the way I look, to which the answer is always a resounding YES!

My husband has been more than supportive and is enjoying my new found confidence in myself. He thinks I look great, and because of everyone else chiming in, I have to keep asking him if I'm too skinny. Again, his answer is always no. Since when did seeing collar bones become a sign of malnutrition? Since when did having a flat tummy mean that you're anorexic or bulimic? Since when did going to the gym and eating properly make you too skinny, or a crazy person?

Now dealing with the family is one thing, because I can tell them how I feel depending on my mood etc, but dealing with my boss is a challenge that is difficult to overcome because I cannot tell him where to shove it. I can only try to avoid him and hope he doesn't say anything when I do see him.

And last time I checked, and according to my personal coach at the gym, anywhere between 120 and 165 is a healthy weight for my height. Now I know everyone is different and some people may look worse than others at certain weights, but my aim here is for my body to settle at it's optimal weight. If that means another 5 pounds off, so be it. If not, I'm happy with that too. I just wish I could get these people to understand why I've chosen this paleo path but every time I try to get into it, no one cares to listen.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I just needed to get this off my chest!

Tophermak

I'm sure you've heard this before and it doesn't do much to help with the frustration you must be feeling but you do what feels right TO YOU!! Congrats on all your progress and keep up the great work!!

shuki_cotren

Wow, your boss sounds terrible! I think that when people see others lose weight and get healthy, they should be happy for that person and motivated to improve their own health. One reason that I've always been comfortable being overweight is that I don't get unwanted attention. I think people that are normal weight or underweight get A LOT of unwanted attention because of how obsessed people are with body image. I am a little afraid of losing weight because of this--- people who lose weight gain some confidence, but it doesn't change the type of person they are most of the time. For example, I'm still going to be sensitive and not really know how to take compliments and/or judgmental comments because it's not something I've ever been used to...

I haven't been eating paleo very long (and right now I'm just "trying" to eat paleo)... but I think that my plan is just to try to avoid any conversations about eating and what is being served for dinner when I am eating at someone else's house. Like you said, it's good to just have a formed plan of what you are going to eat and coordinate with the person making the food so they know you won't need to have a serving of certain things. I'm just going to mention it quickly and then change the subject and enjoy myself... you know? People won't form judgements as easily if their distracted with other subjects... That's what I did at my in-laws house a couple weekends ago and I had the burger without the bread like a weirdo. I just tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal. There's no reason to have to defend the way you eat, in my opinion.

nellyett

When people give me advice that I"m not interested in, I tell them that they are free to do what they want, and I do what I want because it makes me FEEL better and that's all that matters to me. I FEEL GOOD! Period! I remind them to feel free to take care of their own health however they please

As far as your boss goes, I'm not sure how it works in Barbados (my husband and I are dying to figure out VERY early retirement options to move to a Caribbean island...lol), but I would say that this is borderline harrassment. Is there anyway that you can take him aside privately and let him know that comments about your body size, eating habits, bullying you to eat foods you don't want, etc. is making you extremely uncomfortable? Or would that 'whack the beehive' and create larger issues?

Otherwise, ignore it and brush it off. I find that the critics who speak the loudest are essentially the most envious. Good luck!

ShannonKirton

I really don't think I should have to defend myself either. Like Tophermak said, I'm just going to do what is right for me and my body, which is what I do now anyway. It's just simply frustrating to hear these things all the time because like you said shuki, people seem to be ok most of the time, unless you're severely overweight, but when you start to change yourself for the better, it's like everyone's inner snake comes out.

A lot of my family are supportive, but plenty are also jealous and quiet. As bad as it sounds, I would prefer the jealous and quiet. I just wish people would think for a second, how they would feel if I were to turn the tables on them. What if I just told them out of nowhere, "hey darling, I really think you need to STOP eating cause I think you're too fat!"

That certainly would not sit well with them, so why would people think it would sit well the other way around?

ShannonKirton

nellyett, I wish my boss was a reasonable person. And I would agree with you that it is borderline harassment. Taking him aside would do nothing if not make the matter worse. He is an older guy and is a know it all. But I can guarantee that next time he brings it up and tells me something stupid I will stop him and say, "sir, I don't mean to be rude but my way of living and how I eat is none of anyone's business but my own, and I would appreciate it if we didn't constantly talk about this because it makes me uncomfortable."

I would pay money to see the look on his face!

Shadowknight137

This morning I went to drop off my daughter to her grandmother (my husband's mother) to spend the day as school is not back in session just yet. There was a quick conversation about an invitation to dinner, which I politely declined because I would be at the gym until later tonight due to my classes. She asked me if my hubby would be coming, to which I answered yes. SOMEHOW, we got onto what they were going to be eating and if I could eat any of it. The answer to most of the food was no. Plain and simple. She asked me if I wanted her to put some food aside so that my husband could take it home for me. Again the answer was no thanks. I had already planned out my day and I wanted to stick to it.

All of a sudden she looks at me with this disapproving look on her face and says, "you're not still trying to lose weight are you?"

Before I blew my lid at her, I decided to answer a polite no. I was aiming now at building muscle and toning up.

For those of you who don't know, I am 5'9", presently 148lbs and not at all "boney". If you look at my last updated picture of myself in my bikini, you will see that I am not looking ill, nor underweight. (at least this is my opinion)

The same said mother-in-law once went to a weight loss "camp" here in Barbados and got down to about 140lbs. Now she is taller than I am at 5'11" but for her that weight was fine and she was healthy and happy, but me now, apparently I'm not looking healthy and I'm too skinny! Help me here with this logic people!!

My sister-in-law (again on my husband's side) tells me the other day that I should be careful I don't end up anorexic or bulimic. My question to her was simple. Have you ever seen me not eat? Have you ever seen me excuse myself right after a meal to use the rest room? No!!!! I have never had, nor will I ever have an eating disorder!! For the record, I love food way too much and I wouldn't even wish an ED on my worst enemy. I know what it does to people and it isn't pretty.

My boss now, he's the worst! He arrives at my desk in the middle of the working day and in his not at all quiet voice tells me that I need to put on weight. He has done this several times in the last few months, and has even complained that I am "costing him a lot of money" because we are provided with uniforms. Just for the record, I am currently a size 8 down from a 14/16 and the smallest suits I own are 1 size 10 and 2 size 12s. He gave every woman in the office the other day a dress to wear and asked me for my size which I gave him. He said there was no way I was that small and told me "well if you think you're an 8, then go try this dress on." I did and it fit. He refused to let me take home the 8 and instead gave me a size 10. WTF!!!!!!!!!! So I'm walking around the office looking like a homeless person who found some clothes on the side of the street!

He constantly arrives at my desk bearing food that I refuse to eat. Chocolates, cakes, cookies, fishcakes etc. Why is this man targeting me? He keeps asking me as well if my husband is happy with the way I look, to which the answer is always a resounding YES!

My husband has been more than supportive and is enjoying my new found confidence in myself. He thinks I look great, and because of everyone else chiming in, I have to keep asking him if I'm too skinny. Again, his answer is always no. Since when did seeing collar bones become a sign of malnutrition? Since when did having a flat tummy mean that you're anorexic or bulimic? Since when did going to the gym and eating properly make you too skinny, or a crazy person?

Now dealing with the family is one thing, because I can tell them how I feel depending on my mood etc, but dealing with my boss is a challenge that is difficult to overcome because I cannot tell him where to shove it. I can only try to avoid him and hope he doesn't say anything when I do see him.

And last time I checked, and according to my personal coach at the gym, anywhere between 120 and 165 is a healthy weight for my height. Now I know everyone is different and some people may look worse than others at certain weights, but my aim here is for my body to settle at it's optimal weight. If that means another 5 pounds off, so be it. If not, I'm happy with that too. I just wish I could get these people to understand why I've chosen this paleo path but every time I try to get into it, no one cares to listen.

Sorry to be so long winded, but I just needed to get this off my chest!

Damn, these feels. I went through something like this last year post-Coeliac diagnosis... though I literally did lose too much weight through not eating enough and couldn't be bothered doing anything about it, let alone listening to anyone who rambled on that I should. Different case, but I feel you on the whole being ticked off with people going on.

My advice? Ignore them. You're 5'9 and 148lbs? That's pretty much the "perfect" medium of weight for your height at a BMI of roughly 22, and, judging off your pictures (no profile creeping I swear) you looks good, not bony and not flabby. There's nothing wrong with you, but it does sound like there's something wrong with your boss. Like, seriously.
Seriously.
If I were in your shoes I would seriously consider suggesting to your boss to see a doctor about his eating disorder (obsessing over your weight, shoving food onto you), or at the very least his unnerving interest in your body. It's kind of personal harassment... then again, that's just what I'd do, but I laugh at people on the side of the street. YMMV.

RunningRichelle

nellyett, I wish my boss was a reasonable person. And I would agree with you that it is borderline harassment. Taking him aside would do nothing if not make the matter worse. He is an older guy and is a know it all. But I can guarantee that next time he brings it up and tells me something stupid I will stop him and say, "sir, I don't mean to be rude but my way of living and how I eat is none of anyone's business but my own, and I would appreciate it if we didn't constantly talk about this because it makes me uncomfortable."

I would pay money to see the look on his face!

YES!!!! Do it! And the awesome thing is... you won't have to pay money, and you will be totally in the right. Can't wait to hear how it goes :-)

ShannonKirton

Thanks for the support Shadowknight1. And no worries, I invited everyone to look at the pics, just to prove that I'm not crazy!

But yes, my boss has a serious problem and unfortunately it's not something one could easily talk to him about. When his wife died a few years ago (I was no where around at the time) apparently he went off his food and got very sick etc, etc and lost a lot of weight in a bad way. The thing is that he often comes into the lunch room and sees me there with my co-workers and I've got a plate in front of me full of chicken and some nice veggies, so I'm certainly not starving myself by any means. I think that his "experience" has made him feel like an expert on the weight loss situation and because I was quite a bit heavier when I first started to work here, he thinks I must be sick, even though I have assured him I'm quite healthy.

The other day I had a kidney infection that took me out for a week and he insisted that it was related to my "diet" and the fact that I was not eating enough, so the pain must have been from air and not an actual infection even though I had to go to the emergency clinic twice for the pain. I nearly blew my lid!!!!

And yes it does make me feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable that he is constantly harassing me about it. I hate when he's in the office and often make it a point to avoid him. His "obsession" with my food needs to stop really, but I guess I'll have to wait until next time he says something to let him know how I feel about his constant prodding.

ShannonKirton

nellyett, I wish my boss was a reasonable person. And I would agree with you that it is borderline harassment. Taking him aside would do nothing if not make the matter worse. He is an older guy and is a know it all. But I can guarantee that next time he brings it up and tells me something stupid I will stop him and say, "sir, I don't mean to be rude but my way of living and how I eat is none of anyone's business but my own, and I would appreciate it if we didn't constantly talk about this because it makes me uncomfortable."

I would pay money to see the look on his face!

YES!!!! Do it! And the awesome thing is... you won't have to pay money, and you will be totally in the right. Can't wait to hear how it goes :-)

Oh I will totally do it next time he talks about it!

MikeFlyMike

I had this issue with my mother-in-law and several women that I work with. I lost almost 40 lbs in 4 months (so it was quick), and I lost only fat - did not lose muscle.
I was told I had an eating disorder (not wanting wheat), was gaunt, looked like I had cancer - just about everything. These all came from people that were quite overweight of course. After the in-law made a smarmy remark while at a dinner for 12 of our mutual friends, I finally spoke up - "I have heard how you feel about my recent weight loss and I know your opinion. If you would like to continue to discuss it, then I get to interject my thoughts about your weight".
It was never discussed again.
Now, 18 months later, she is trying to get her brother and husband to eat paleo, although she just can't bring herself to do it.

MrsAbles

^^ This.^^ FTW. Go, Mikey!

ShannonKirton

Good for you Mike!! I'm glad you were able to say something to her that made her stop. Last night after the gym I actually did end up stopping by my parents-in-law even though they had already eaten. We did discuss my boss (as my father-in-law knows him) and I made it very clear to everyone that was there (including the sister-in-law) that I was sick and tired of discussing my weight and I let them all know how much it bothers me when my boss approaches me about it. Hopefully they all made mental notes not to trouble me about it again.

Next time they feel the need to ask a question or say anything I hope they can remember that conversation.

I still plan to tell my boss off in a very PC way if he does come back to me about it again, and I told my father-in-law just the same. He thought it was a good idea.

And it just hit me, all the men in my family, in-laws or not, have all been intelligent enough never to tell me anything about my weight, but for some reason the women, especially on the in-law side have all felt the need to weigh in on the situation. Maybe the guys really are smarter and more aware. *food for thought* lol

nellyett

haha!! I love what mikeflymike said....'if we get to discuss my weight, then we also get to discuss yours'. AWESOME!

the only thing you can do is make it known how you feel and then go from there. if they keep bringing it up, then tell them it's not even up for discussion and change the subject. if they continue to harp on it, walk away everytime they start. sooner or later they will get the hint

ShannonKirton

I think I made my point last night in a subtle way, but yes I agree nellyett, if it continues I will make it blunt and hope they understand eventually.

The hardest one to deal with again, is my boss.

Dragonwolf

Shannon, does Barbados have workplace harassment laws, or does your work have harassment policies? That falls pretty squarely into what is generally considered harassment and/or "hostile work environment." You could probably also peg him for discrimination or other such policy for not getting you a properly-fitted uniform. I don't care what his history is, it doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he is. Go talk to your human resources department, or a manager above him.

He's being abusive, don't stand for it.

ShannonKirton

Shannon, does Barbados have workplace harassment laws, or does your work have harassment policies? That falls pretty squarely into what is generally considered harassment and/or "hostile work environment." You could probably also peg him for discrimination or other such policy for not getting you a properly-fitted uniform. I don't care what his history is, it doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he is. Go talk to your human resources department, or a manager above him.

He's being abusive, don't stand for it.

Dragonwolf, how I wish it were this easy. If I could talk to you face to face, I would be able to explain this all to you in about an hour or less. Barbados does have workplace harassment laws, but they are rarely enforced. We are a lazy society who treat everything with a lax attitude. Unless you have the money to hire a private lawyer (which sadly I do not) you will get no where.

With the uniform situation, he would deem that it is a generous doing on his part and he will fit you with clothes if he so deems, otherwise you can buy your own. I would normally resort to buying my own, but my attitude now is simple; if you refuse to give me properly sized/fitted uniforms after I have informed you of my size, I will continue to walk around in my baggy clothes which look like I found them on the side of the street, and it will only reflect badly on you and not on me. Every other woman in the office has properly fitted uniforms according to their size, so why shouldn't I?

The boss problem - This man is not my direct boss, but he is the owner and CEO of the company. All of his management are his puppets are afraid of him and do exactly as he tells them, and no different for fear of his wrath. The HR manager is no different and he often has her on a short leash. If I were to report my opinions to her, she would promptly report my opinions to him, I would be called into the office, scolded and most likely fired. Sadly, being fired is not an option I can afford at this point. So I truly am stuck between a rock and a very hard place. But I am always on the lookout for other opportunities where I can be appreciated and not discriminated against.

Dragonwolf

Shannon, does Barbados have workplace harassment laws, or does your work have harassment policies? That falls pretty squarely into what is generally considered harassment and/or "hostile work environment." You could probably also peg him for discrimination or other such policy for not getting you a properly-fitted uniform. I don't care what his history is, it doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he is. Go talk to your human resources department, or a manager above him.

He's being abusive, don't stand for it.

Dragonwolf, how I wish it were this easy. If I could talk to you face to face, I would be able to explain this all to you in about an hour or less. Barbados does have workplace harassment laws, but they are rarely enforced. We are a lazy society who treat everything with a lax attitude. Unless you have the money to hire a private lawyer (which sadly I do not) you will get no where.

With the uniform situation, he would deem that it is a generous doing on his part and he will fit you with clothes if he so deems, otherwise you can buy your own. I would normally resort to buying my own, but my attitude now is simple; if you refuse to give me properly sized/fitted uniforms after I have informed you of my size, I will continue to walk around in my baggy clothes which look like I found them on the side of the street, and it will only reflect badly on you and not on me. Every other woman in the office has properly fitted uniforms according to their size, so why shouldn't I?

The boss problem - This man is not my direct boss, but he is the owner and CEO of the company. All of his management are his puppets are afraid of him and do exactly as he tells them, and no different for fear of his wrath. The HR manager is no different and he often has her on a short leash. If I were to report my opinions to her, she would promptly report my opinions to him, I would be called into the office, scolded and most likely fired. Sadly, being fired is not an option I can afford at this point. So I truly am stuck between a rock and a very hard place. But I am always on the lookout for other opportunities where I can be appreciated and not discriminated against.

Ouch. Good luck in finding a new job then, and hopefully you find something new soon. That's no place to work, and neither you nor anyone else deserve to be treated that way. :grumble: :flowerforyou:

ShannonKirton

Thanks Dragonwolf. I'm trying my best to survive and I'm looking out for other opportunities every day so hopefully I will have success soon. I'm just so depressed here and have no will to work. This place has sucked the soul out of me