Do childless peeps understand peeps with children?
AnnaPixie
Posts: 7,439 Member
So, anyone think that a relationship can work between a childless woman and father (usually without custody)?
Or a Mother (usually with custody) and a childless man?
(Any scenario, doesn't really matter)
Or do you think there is lack of empathy there?
Or a Mother (usually with custody) and a childless man?
(Any scenario, doesn't really matter)
Or do you think there is lack of empathy there?
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Replies
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I think it is easier between man with child and single woman. I've known a few girls who end up dating single dads and it kind of works out to where the woman becomes a mother-figure to the child.
On the other hand I've heard before that men get "jealous" of raising another mans children, like that because it shows that the woman has had other lovers?0 -
I really think there is a lot more that comes into play, I don't think it's that simple.
I used to think I needed to date a single dad because they understood the challenges, the time constraints, etc. Because I have dated childless men who just didn't get it. but my current boyfriend is kidless and he is fantastic. I know he has dated others with kids, but I think a big part of it is because he is an involved uncle. He is very close to his niece/nephew and his family for that matter and he can see what it takes to be a family, let alone a single family.
Another factor is compromise -- from both parties. I know in my situation the kid's father works away and I can't use him religiously and I need backup plans. I have babysitters I call upon or for real special occasions I have close friends. I don't have family here. But I realize to make a relationship work I have to do things too. When you date long enough it's nice when you can have them over, or involve the kids, etc. But on the flip side the childless person needs to compromise too - kids get sick, babysitters, cancel, etc.
All is much easier when there is no baby daddy/momma drama!
So like I said above I used to think I had to date/or should date a single dad because he would get it, and things would work better. Now that I am in a relationship with a childless guy, I actually prefer it better. He is so flexible, doesn't have the same constraints as me, that he works around what I can/can't do and he is actually there to help some too. I think I like that he doesn't have those 'crap the kids' mom cancelled' issues and he can be around more hehe I am selfish aren't I?
But at the end off the day, I think it depends on all people involved, the maturity of same, the willingness to compromise, and the drama from the exes
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I'm speaking as a childLESS woman and these are my feelings.
In my case, no, it wouldn't work out with me and a single dad. I want to be my mans #1 and I'm sure (as all parents have told me), their kids always come first. Of course, I'm aware that if I had a child with my man it would be natural for me to put MY kid first and to understand that naturally, he'd put OUR kid first.
If I'm bringing that to the table, I want the same.
So I see how it would take someone more open to that or someone that understands that. I choose to not.
I don't think this has anything to do with my maturity. It's my preference, my life, my feelings. More power to those that choose to be open to this situation!0 -
I'm speaking as a childLESS woman and these are my feelings.
In my case, no, it wouldn't work out with me and a single dad. I want to be my mans #1 and I'm sure (as all parents have told me), their kids always come first. Of course, I'm aware that if I had a child with my man it would be natural for me to put MY kid first and to understand that naturally, he'd put OUR kid first.
If I'm bringing that to the table, I want the same.
So I see how it would take someone more open to that or someone that understands that. I choose to not.
I don't think this has anything to do with my maturity. It's my preference, my life, my feelings. More power to those that choose to be open to this situation!
As a guy I feel the same way with everything above. A single mom with kids in many cases, do not want anymore kids period. I am undecided about kids myself right now and I may want them down the road. I want to have that option available to me. Eventually I will get to an age where I won't want to have kids. What is that age? I don't know, but if I ever get to that point and I am single, I would be open to dating a single mom.0 -
depends on if the childless partner is OK with becoming stepmommy/daddy. also depends is the childless partner is OK with the potential of the situation to change.
one of my good friends is going through the latter. she fell in love with a guy who has 2 kids from a previous relationship. he didnt have custody just weekend visits. my friend was OK with that situation and she and the guy had already planned to move in with each other. then the kids' mom passed from cancer and now my friend is a full-time stepmom.
a fr me personally, at my age i think i would be ignoring a lo of eligible dateable guys if i insisted on them not having children from previous relationships. that's something i had no problem with sticking to in my 20's but now in my 40's it's a whole different situation0 -
A single mom with kids in many cases, do not want anymore kids period.
This is a big assumption. That is up to the person themselves, and worth having a talk about upfront.0 -
While my kids do come first, I realize that I need to take care of me, and I have no issues doing so.
Relationships are important to me and that is where the compromise comes in.
I am sure my boyfriend feels like my #1, even though I have 2 kids, because I can strike the appropriate balance.0 -
Yep, you're right. I thought I brought up age in my previous post but I didn't. I was referring to single moms in my dating age range, i.e. into their 30's and up, the ones I have talked to do not want more kids though I am sure there are single mom's in their 30's that wouldn't mind having more kids.A single mom with kids in many cases, do not want anymore kids period.
This is a big assumption. That is up to the person themselves, and worth having a talk about upfront.0 -
As a single mother somehow al I've ever dated is gentlemen with no kids...... I always say I have no plan to have more kids but if my partner wants kids down the road I would be open to it for him........ I don't know it never seems an issue with guys... I let them know upfront I have kids... However I have joint custody with my ex (1 week on 1 week off) so I have more time to spend with a new guy then most full custody moms0
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I think this totally depends on people involved. I prefer to date men with children, because I want to be part of a family, but can not have children of my own. I have dated men with kids...many ot them had full custody of the children, or actuall 50/50 split, this does bring about some other challenges, but I understand, and am patient. The guy I am dating now has full custody of his 9 year old, and his ex has only taken him one weekend in the past 5........makes it difficult, and frustrating beyond belief, but have not given up yet.
And I think if it get to the point of marriage........all stepparents are not awful. When I was married, I met my stepdaughter when she was 4 and we were close as we could be with minimal visits, etc. My stepfather accepts me as his own (he has no other children), my stepmother also accepts me as her own-she has 2 other bio children, and a foster child............so can be done0 -
On the other hand I've heard before that men get "jealous" of raising another mans children, like that because it shows that the woman has had other lovers?
Yep. We're looking for a trophy wife. Not a wife with trophies. In all seriousness, it's not really an issue for me. The only time it's been a problem is when women I've met and began dating didn't really seem all that interested and used the kids as an excuse not to do something. Even then, it wasn't the kids that were the problem. If these women didn't have kids they would have found another excuse.0 -
I have mixed feelings on this. In theory it shouldn't matter, but in reality who knows...0
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This is an interesting question Anna. I usually only date guys with kids because I figure they understand what I'm going through as a part-time single parent. However, I recently joined Match- again, that's were I met bf 3.5 years ago- and I have noticed there are a lot of guys without kids. What I find odd is they make a point to have pictures of them with kids... I may try it after all what I am currently doing isn't working.0
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Short, cliche answer: Everyone's situation is different. Make time to date each other away from the kids.
Long answer:
It really depends on the couple and the relationship. I could go into details of my relationships, but it's all relative. I think the biggest things that I've learned are that you need to take time for yourselves as a "couple", without the kids. Once kids are introduced into the relationship, it's too easy to bring them everywhere, stay home or allow yourselves to be consumed in kid-friendly activities. While it's a nice thought and great in getting to know the kids, the relationship still needs to grow and the couple still needs to get to establish itself and make sure they have time to themselves (other than bed time). I've had far too many well intentioned relationships fail because we put too much attention on how my kids or our kids were feeling and not enough attention on how we were feeling.0 -
If I had a choice I would prefer to meet a man without kids but it always works out I meet men with them which is fine. My big worry though is getting attached to the kids like I did when I was with my ex. We had planned on being a family one day so his 2 kids and my son ... we all did stuff together as a family so when the relationship fell apart, 5 people suffered for it. After that I said no more guys with kids ... but a man with kids does understand a lot more that the kids come first no matter what. The guy I am hanging out with right now has a son, and I'm perfectly fine with it. I think a lot has to do with connections too because if you have a really strong connection with someone, you are going to accept every part of that person!0
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My last relationship ended because I had kids and he didn't. He wanted to treat my kids as though they were his, and for the most part, I agreed with this. I even allowed him to discipline. This was a mistake on my part because he took "discipline" too far. When I confronted him about his discipline methods, he informed me that the kids were badly behaved because of me and I needed to let him take control of the discipline. Instant deal-breaker!
Now, I've been apprehensive about a new relationship because of how it might affect my kids. At this point, I would prefer someone that has kids and that I know can empathize. But that doesn't mean that a childless man doesn't stand a chance with me. It just means that he will have to recognize and respect my boundaries, particularly where the kids are concerned, and accept that I reserve the right to re-draw those boundaries at any time.
I believe the right guy would understand this, whether he has children of his own or not.0 -
I think it's easier for someone with kids to marry/get into an LTR with someone who has no kids. They might not understand at first, and there may be serious "expectation management" issues, but I've gone out with several guys who were childless and really connected with kids.
Even though I have a son, I actually prefer to date guys who have no kids. I don't have a lot of "baby daddy drama" and I can't stand how so many guys these days come with "baby mama drama."
ONE BIG THING THOUGH: be wary of guys who don't want kids. I dated someone who posted (here in SP) that he didn't want to date someone with young kids and I was shocked because he had been spending time with my son for 6 months and we had several trips planned for the future. He had offered to cover all Peanut's football costs for the upcoming year, and even spend time mentoring him so I was crushed to read that. He is the one who later wrote (in this forum) that I was gap filler til he met "the one."
If a guy tells you he doesn't want kids, or doesn't want young kids, believe him, no matter how great they seem to get along. Unless he has actually told you he's changed his mind, my experience tells me that when "The one" who is childless (or whose children are grown and out of the house) comes along, you will be history.0 -
As a general rule, I prefer to date single fathers. They seem to have less issues with immaturity and jackholeishness. But then I have horrible luck with men, so...0
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I'm not sure. I always thought it would be nice to date a guy with kids because I don't particularly want my own, and usually guys look at me funny when I say that :frown:
Is it weird to not want children?0 -
I'm not sure. I always thought it would be nice to date a guy with kids because I don't particularly want my own, and usually guys look at me funny when I say that :frown:
Is it weird to not want children?
No, I don't think it's weird.0 -
I'm not sure. I always thought it would be nice to date a guy with kids because I don't particularly want my own, and usually guys look at me funny when I say that :frown:
Is it weird to not want children?
Well Kate, for the first time in my 49 years I've been made to feel weird about it...........the reason I posted this topic is because I was recently rejected by a father for basically, not being a mother! He doesnt think I will understand him??
I'm offended and saddened by the whole assumption that a childless person is any less empathetic, caring, switched on to or concerned about a child's protection, needs and welfare than a parent would be. I know that I would die for my friend's children such is the natural 'motherly' instinct I feel when they're round me.
I've honestly never given a second thought to prospective partner being a parent. I dont see what difference it makes. You either dove tail into each other's lives, or you don't. This, is as much to do with the character of the two people as it is to do with their lifestyle, circumstances and your overall compatibility.
I know we are all different. But it's been reassuring to read that most of you parents are happy with your childless partners :flowerforyou:0 -
My last relationship ended because I had kids and he didn't. He wanted to treat my kids as though they were his, and for the most part, I agreed with this. I even allowed him to discipline. This was a mistake on my part because he took "discipline" too far. When I confronted him about his discipline methods, he informed me that the kids were badly behaved because of me and I needed to let him take control of the discipline. Instant deal-breaker!
Now, I've been apprehensive about a new relationship because of how it might affect my kids. At this point, I would prefer someone that has kids and that I know can empathize. But that doesn't mean that a childless man doesn't stand a chance with me. It just means that he will have to recognize and respect my boundaries, particularly where the kids are concerned, and accept that I reserve the right to re-draw those boundaries at any time.
I believe the right guy would understand this, whether he has children of his own or not.
I wasnt even getting into the practicalities of parenting, but yeah, this would be a problem. But the point here is just that he has a different parenting style, even though he has no children of his own. From that POV he isnt compatible with you, but this happens in traditional marriages where the children are biological to both parents, right?
I was more talking about if a childless person understands a parent, from a romantic perspective, if you know what I mean? Did you feel he could relate to you as a parent, understood when you couldnt make a date? Gave you time to be with your kids? Etc? I guess I'm talking about the initial stages before he even gets the honour to meet your children :flowerforyou:0 -
If I had a choice I would prefer to meet a man without kids but it always works out I meet men with them which is fine. My big worry though is getting attached to the kids like I did when I was with my ex. We had planned on being a family one day so his 2 kids and my son ... we all did stuff together as a family so when the relationship fell apart, 5 people suffered for it. After that I said no more guys with kids ... but a man with kids does understand a lot more that the kids come first no matter what. The guy I am hanging out with right now has a son, and I'm perfectly fine with it. I think a lot has to do with connections too because if you have a really strong connection with someone, you are going to accept every part of that person!
Good point Raige. Getting attached is a worry for both adults. It's why the parent would wait until the relationship is serious before introductions. I'm pretty sure that marraiges dread the failure of their relationships too, for that very reason. But hey, life goes on and I dont think it's necessary to discount a parent for this reason alone.
I guess I just try and avoid living life on what MIGHT happen, rather, just go with what feels right in the moment. ??
And yes, I agree, the connection was what mattered to me more than anything. But obviously not to him...... :ohwell:0 -
oops, in my post I said "be wary of guys who don't want kids."
I didn't mean ALL men who don't want kids...in fact, I **SEEK** men who don't want kids because I enjoy my freedom and don't want to be saddled down with diapers and nursing.
I meant men who didn't want whatever kids you have. So, in my example, the guy I was liking had a college age daughter, but my son was much younger. So if a man told me he didn't want younger kids, I would be wary of the relationship, even though I wouldn't necessarily write him off.0 -
My last relationship ended because I had kids and he didn't. He wanted to treat my kids as though they were his, and for the most part, I agreed with this. I even allowed him to discipline. This was a mistake on my part because he took "discipline" too far. When I confronted him about his discipline methods, he informed me that the kids were badly behaved because of me and I needed to let him take control of the discipline. Instant deal-breaker!
Now, I've been apprehensive about a new relationship because of how it might affect my kids. At this point, I would prefer someone that has kids and that I know can empathize. But that doesn't mean that a childless man doesn't stand a chance with me. It just means that he will have to recognize and respect my boundaries, particularly where the kids are concerned, and accept that I reserve the right to re-draw those boundaries at any time.
I believe the right guy would understand this, whether he has children of his own or not.
I wasnt even getting into the practicalities of parenting, but yeah, this would be a problem. But the point here is just that he has a different parenting style, even though he has no children of his own. From that POV he isnt compatible with you, but this happens in traditional marriages where the children are biological to both parents, right?
I was more talking about if a childless person understands a parent, from a romantic perspective, if you know what I mean? Did you feel he could relate to you as a parent, understood when you couldnt make a date? Gave you time to be with your kids? Etc? I guess I'm talking about the initial stages before he even gets the honour to meet your children :flowerforyou:
Well honestly, he was very supportive in the beginning. I actually was fighting for custody when I met him and did not yet have it. He helped me in that fight, and to this day, I'm not sure I would have won without him. That was why, in part, I was okay with allowing him such a major role in their life. He had always wanted children, but had never taken the time in life to have them. It seemed like a perfect fit. Until it didn't.0 -
My last relationship ended because I had kids and he didn't. He wanted to treat my kids as though they were his, and for the most part, I agreed with this. I even allowed him to discipline. This was a mistake on my part because he took "discipline" too far. When I confronted him about his discipline methods, he informed me that the kids were badly behaved because of me and I needed to let him take control of the discipline. Instant deal-breaker!
Now, I've been apprehensive about a new relationship because of how it might affect my kids. At this point, I would prefer someone that has kids and that I know can empathize. But that doesn't mean that a childless man doesn't stand a chance with me. It just means that he will have to recognize and respect my boundaries, particularly where the kids are concerned, and accept that I reserve the right to re-draw those boundaries at any time.
I believe the right guy would understand this, whether he has children of his own or not.
I wasnt even getting into the practicalities of parenting, but yeah, this would be a problem. But the point here is just that he has a different parenting style, even though he has no children of his own. From that POV he isnt compatible with you, but this happens in traditional marriages where the children are biological to both parents, right?
I was more talking about if a childless person understands a parent, from a romantic perspective, if you know what I mean? Did you feel he could relate to you as a parent, understood when you couldnt make a date? Gave you time to be with your kids? Etc? I guess I'm talking about the initial stages before he even gets the honour to meet your children :flowerforyou:
Well honestly, he was very supportive in the beginning. I actually was fighting for custody when I met him and did not yet have it. He helped me in that fight, and to this day, I'm not sure I would have won without him. That was why, in part, I was okay with allowing him such a major role in their life. He had always wanted children, but had never taken the time in life to have them. It seemed like a perfect fit. Until it didn't.
Thanks Husky. That's what I think. I think if a childless person is willing to make the effort with single parent (and vice versa - you bounce off each other afterall) then it can work. The rest is just like any other relationship in terms of compatibility. I'm sorry it didnt work out long term :flowerforyou:0 -
oops, in my post I said "be wary of guys who don't want kids."
I didn't mean ALL men who don't want kids...in fact, I **SEEK** men who don't want kids because I enjoy my freedom and don't want to be saddled down with diapers and nursing.
I meant men who didn't want whatever kids you have. So, in my example, the guy I was liking had a college age daughter, but my son was much younger. So if a man told me he didn't want younger kids, I would be wary of the relationship, even though I wouldn't necessarily write him off.
Good correction lol, I also don't want more kids so I am seeking a man who doesn't as well and oops, I found him 0 -
I even allowed him to discipline. This was a mistake on my part because he took "discipline" too far. When I confronted him about his discipline methods, he informed me that the kids were badly behaved because of me and I needed to let him take control of the discipline. Instant deal-breaker!
I don't think allowing him to discipline was a mistake on your part, unfortunately he was just polar opposite of your discipline style.
It's tough, because they are a role model for your child and at some point have to take a discipline approach too - depending where the relationship is, etc. - but I think you need to have a discussion up front about it before you allow them too.
My first relationship as a single mom the guy had kids and it was quickly evident we had the same parenting style, so worked well. My current boyfriend doesn't have kids of his own, but we tend to have our heads on the same direction. he has never disciplined my kids persay, majorly, but will correct them when they are obviously doing something wrong.
I think a BIG discussion needs to take place so you both can be comfortable with the others discipline so it doesn't cause any issues. What your styles are, what is ok for you/him, etc.0 -
I'm not sure. I always thought it would be nice to date a guy with kids because I don't particularly want my own, and usually guys look at me funny when I say that :frown:
Is it weird to not want children?
Well Kate, for the first time in my 49 years I've been made to feel weird about it...........the reason I posted this topic is because I was recently rejected by a father for basically, not being a mother! He doesnt think I will understand him??
I'm offended and saddened by the whole assumption that a childless person is any less empathetic, caring, switched on to or concerned about a child's protection, needs and welfare than a parent would be. I know that I would die for my friend's children such is the natural 'motherly' instinct I feel when they're round me.
I've honestly never given a second thought to prospective partner being a parent. I dont see what difference it makes. You either dove tail into each other's lives, or you don't. This, is as much to do with the character of the two people as it is to do with their lifestyle, circumstances and your overall compatibility.
I know we are all different. But it's been reassuring to read that most of you parents are happy with your childless partners :flowerforyou:
Wow. I'm so sorry, Anna. It drives me up a wall when people say that people without children are more selfish, less empathetic, etc. As far as I'm concerned, I'm not in any financial situation or point in life where I have the time to focus on children, and since I am an opera singer, not sure that I will ever get to that point. Wouldn't it be more selfish to say, eh whatever, I'll have children right now whether I can take care of them or not? Kids are wonderful, but not everyone's life is structured to include them. I don't really understand why this is an issue??0 -
Anna about your point of introducing kids to a date.
A girl I was best friends with in elementary school is a serial dater. Probably since we've been FB friends (two ish years) she has had about four boyfriends. Her latest boyfriend has a five year old child. They've been FB official for about a month now. I now, on a regular basis, see her post statues about hanging out with his daughter...like "Dakota's fifth birthday party!" "Doing my nails with Dakota!" It's a little weird to me...I feel like the couple hardly knows each other. And if this guy dates around his daughter has probably met several women and doesn't understand in her young mind why they come and go.0
