Opposite Effects
WillLift4Tats
Posts: 1,699 Member
Weirdly enough, both of these scenarios happened this morning.
1. My husband and I are getting dressed this morning and he eyes me as I'm just putting my pants on (no top yet). He says, "Wow, you're looking sexy." I of course say "aww, thanks". In my head though, I have this totally opposite reaction. How could he think I look good? I've had 5 binges in the past week and a half. I'm bloated, gross, and definitely NOT sexy. Instead of giving me a confidence boost, I'm completely bogged down by his compliment. Instead of feeling good, I feel guilt, shame, and disgust. I even have a fleeting thought of binging again...wtf.
2. In a rush of getting out of the house, I missed breakfast. It's about 10:30 and my stomach is screaming at me. There is leftover cinnamon sticks in the kitchenette of our office. I looked up the calories, decided I could indulge in half the serving and have them with my coffee to stave off the hunger until I could have a decent lunch. My male co-worker comes in, asks what I'm heating up and I tell him. He asks "what would your husband have to say about that?" (My husband is a personal trainer.) True to my always positive and friendly nature, I laughed and said some stupid reply. In my head, I've completely lost it though. I'm pissed that this co-worker who definitely does NOT know me on that level and certainly knows nothing about my husband or our relationship had the balls to say that to me. Rude and unnecessary. I completely lose my appetite and don't even care to eat the d@mn things anymore. I hate that my co-worker is judging me. And I HATE that he feels like my husband would judge me. (He is completely supportive, would NEVER say anything judgmental like that to me. We shop mostly for whole foods but have an "in moderation" philosophy. He doesn't know about my binge eating problem
.)
These situations have weird polar opposite effects on me. I receive a compliment and I feel gross and want to binge. I'm judged, still feel gross but totally lose my appetite and feel like restricting. Shouldn't I feel great and motivated by the compliment? Shouldn't I say "fack you" and enjoy the stupid cinnastick, knowing I can fit it in my day?
Does anyone feel like this? I just feel like I'm so far gone from normal feelings and reactions. I know this is part of why I have an eating issue.
1. My husband and I are getting dressed this morning and he eyes me as I'm just putting my pants on (no top yet). He says, "Wow, you're looking sexy." I of course say "aww, thanks". In my head though, I have this totally opposite reaction. How could he think I look good? I've had 5 binges in the past week and a half. I'm bloated, gross, and definitely NOT sexy. Instead of giving me a confidence boost, I'm completely bogged down by his compliment. Instead of feeling good, I feel guilt, shame, and disgust. I even have a fleeting thought of binging again...wtf.
2. In a rush of getting out of the house, I missed breakfast. It's about 10:30 and my stomach is screaming at me. There is leftover cinnamon sticks in the kitchenette of our office. I looked up the calories, decided I could indulge in half the serving and have them with my coffee to stave off the hunger until I could have a decent lunch. My male co-worker comes in, asks what I'm heating up and I tell him. He asks "what would your husband have to say about that?" (My husband is a personal trainer.) True to my always positive and friendly nature, I laughed and said some stupid reply. In my head, I've completely lost it though. I'm pissed that this co-worker who definitely does NOT know me on that level and certainly knows nothing about my husband or our relationship had the balls to say that to me. Rude and unnecessary. I completely lose my appetite and don't even care to eat the d@mn things anymore. I hate that my co-worker is judging me. And I HATE that he feels like my husband would judge me. (He is completely supportive, would NEVER say anything judgmental like that to me. We shop mostly for whole foods but have an "in moderation" philosophy. He doesn't know about my binge eating problem
.)These situations have weird polar opposite effects on me. I receive a compliment and I feel gross and want to binge. I'm judged, still feel gross but totally lose my appetite and feel like restricting. Shouldn't I feel great and motivated by the compliment? Shouldn't I say "fack you" and enjoy the stupid cinnastick, knowing I can fit it in my day?
Does anyone feel like this? I just feel like I'm so far gone from normal feelings and reactions. I know this is part of why I have an eating issue.
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I am COMPLETELY the same way. When my boyfriend compliments me, I want to believe him - but I never do, even if I'm not feeling bloated and gross. I almost wonder if it's a defense mechanism...I don't know. I wonder similarly: "How can he *possibly* think that of me?" I am glad he thinks that seeing as I'm at a terrible weight, but it rarely makes me feel good. I think we need to believe it for ourselves, and FEEL beautiful and good every day in order to actually RECEIVE a compliment and not just hear it (in one ear, out the other). Certainly doesn't happen overnight, and it's a challenge we have to accept when we're fully ready (in my humble opinion).
I'm sorry for what your co-worker said. It was definitely rude and wayyyy out of line. Such an "UGH!" moment just reading it! You did NOTHING wrong as you know - you calculated the risk, cut it in half and did the RIGHT thing by eating when you were hungry. So, yeah, frack what the rest think - what's it to them? Ugh. I can relate to that type of frustration too...I was starving over the weekend and I told my boyfriend I was hungry. He said, "You're always hungry!" I was surprised because he normally doesn't say things like that, and 3 days later it still stings a bit.
I don't know if I'm helping at all. I feel like my thoughts sometimes are scattered. Hang in there.0
