Relationship Advice

starswillfly

Last week, out of the blue, my boyfriend decided that our relationship may need to come to an end. After about a week of talking to him and discussing things, I found out all of the following:

-A girl that he's in band class with (who sings and who is more outgoing than me) told him that she liked him a couple of months ago. He told her that he had me and stopped talking to her. Well, when he felt that we were going into a rut, he started talking to her in October and started to "like" her because she resembled this girl he used to be friends with before she went and broke his heart. Not only that, but whenever I get out of class and I go to see him in band, she's always in there and we always exchange these glances that, I will not lie, are awkward and my boyfriend knows that as well. This girl blames herself entirely for what happened but I have e-mailed her, saying that I'm not mad and I don't blame her (I forgive people too easily, I know). I also know that she will hardly talk to him now.

-He's afraid of breaking up with me because we've been going out now for almost 2 years (it will be 2 years on the 26th of this month) and he knows that it will mess me up entirely and he's also afraid that he'll realize later on that it had been a big mistake to do so in the first place.

-He knows that he's lost my trust and it will be hard to earn it back, but I've told him that I've already forgiven him; he just needs to forgive himself.

-He feels like we need to break up because we are different people and he knows that if this happens again in the future, it will be even harder to break up.

-He feels like he's an emotional mess (he's had a rough childhood) and that it's going to cause us to have problems in the future, but he's afraid to go to therapy because he feels like people will judge and label him.

All in all, this has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I have been constantly telling him that we can work on this together and is this one bad moment really worth all of the good times we've had? I gave him my ring-a gift he gave me last year for Christmas-and told him I didn't want it back until he made a final decision. I learned that he carries it around with him now wherever he goes.
I don't know what to do or what to say anymore to help us move forward together and help put all this mess to rest. Do any of you girls out there have any advice? I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

MsMischief

You are young. If you break up on good terms, there's always the possibility of trying again at a later point in life. (My current boyfriend and I dated briefly at 14-15 somewhere, it didn't work out, but we stayed friends. Last year we decided to try again, now we're living together. It happens)

I understand that 2 years is nothing to scoff at, but if there isn't much there now, if there are doubts and hesitations - where will you be in 5 years? 10 years? 20?

This is a big decision to make, and it's not just yours to make. Maybe he doesn't want to be dating you because there isn't much there anymore, but he still likes and cares about you, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't know. Talk to him. Write down all the things you wonder and worry about and accept that if his heart isn't really in it, it's better to hurt for a bit and find someone who does.

Good luck figuring things out.

ErinMLB

I know you are probably sick of hearing that you're young, but that's pretty much it. Here's a little story for ya, my husband and I have known each other for about 13 years, we met when we were both in grade 10. We had HUGE crushes on each other but never did anything about it, except for once he was going to ask me out, but chickened out at the last minute and asked out my friend (the teenage boys brain=weird). I am SOOO happy he didn't ask me out then, because we both got to grow up, take different paths in life, learn about ourselves and still be awesome friends, I remember telling my friend who he ended up dating that I prayed that I would get to marry a man just like him!, who would have ever guessed what the future would hold. Fast forward a few years, we were both in a place where not only did we have feelings for each other, but we were both in a place where we could have solid mature relationship, and now we're coming up on our 5th wedding anniversary.

So my advise would be, don't rush anything, if taking a breather is needed than know that it is healthy and normal, and maybe just right now isn't the best timing. You're young and you've got your whole life to figure this out., try to be friends.

Good luck!

starswillfly

Well, recently, I found out that he still likes the girl that he didn't want to intentionally like in the first place. Come to find out, he also thought about-briefly-what it would be like to date her. I broke down completely as we were talking since we started to argue (turns out she is JUST like him-she hides her feelings and doesn't let anyone know how she is) and he didn't want me to go. I told him flat out that he' didn't need to be with me. He asked why and I said "Look at me? Just...what do you see?"
"I see you," he said.
"And what exactly is that?" I was crying by this point and I felt sick.
"The same person I saw two years ago." He had this sad look on his face, and his eyes were searching mine the whole time. I felt so tired and worn out, but it got to the point of where I just wound up looking up through the roof of his car, since he has one of those window things. That was when I told him about one of the first things he told me: His grandpa, who had died during his freshman or sophomore year in high school. He told me that he always wanted to make his grandpa proud and as I looked up through that window, I said that. I knew it was probably a low blow, but I didn't mean it that way. I wanted to prove that nobody would know him better than I did.
When I got home, of course, I sent him a long e-mail that he of course read. I also have intentions of talking to the girl tomorrow. This time, I'm actually doing it. I don't care anymore.

FrankiesSaysRelax

I'm going to give you a bit of tough love because I went through the same thing with my college boyfriend. Why would YOU want to be with someone who doesn't want you? Really think about that question. He has told you he has feelings for another girl, he doesn't want to date but he's taking his sweet *kitten* time making a decision. This is your relationship too and you have a say in what happens. You don't have to sit around and wait for him to decide he wants to be with you.

Have you had good times? Absolutely. But that does not negate everything that is going on right now. You survived without him and you can survive after him. I remember thinking I didn't know how to be me without my ex.. guess what, I'm fine! Everyone experiences that, but you deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Someone you don't have to doubt their sincerity or interest. I really wish you the best of luck.. it's hard to be in that situation.

lisainthefield

I wasted two years with a guy who seems very similar to your boyfriend. It's a lot of investment- but as everyone said- you're way too young to be jerked around like that.

He 'thinks' he likes another girl? That's a deal breaker in my book. Also, I probably wouldn't talk to that girl.... there's no point, and it may just make things more complicated.

TavistockToad

Well, recently, I found out that he still likes the girl that he didn't want to intentionally like in the first place. Come to find out, he also thought about-briefly-what it would be like to date her. I broke down completely as we were talking since we started to argue (turns out she is JUST like him-she hides her feelings and doesn't let anyone know how she is) and he didn't want me to go. I told him flat out that he' didn't need to be with me. He asked why and I said "Look at me? Just...what do you see?"
"I see you," he said.
"And what exactly is that?" I was crying by this point and I felt sick.
"The same person I saw two years ago." He had this sad look on his face, and his eyes were searching mine the whole time. I felt so tired and worn out, but it got to the point of where I just wound up looking up through the roof of his car, since he has one of those window things. That was when I told him about one of the first things he told me: His grandpa, who had died during his freshman or sophomore year in high school. He told me that he always wanted to make his grandpa proud and as I looked up through that window, I said that. I knew it was probably a low blow, but I didn't mean it that way. I wanted to prove that nobody would know him better than I did.
When I got home, of course, I sent him a long e-mail that he of course read. I also have intentions of talking to the girl tomorrow. This time, I'm actually doing it. I don't care anymore.

you used emotional blackmail to try and get him to stay?

he likes the other girl... let him go...

starswillfly

Thing is...I didn't use emotional blackmail. I just thought it was something he had to hear.
And also...he did let me go, last Wednesday. We separated, him saying it was best that we go on a 3 week hiatus of not speaking to one another. He also said that the girl he had liked didn't play a factor in any of this, that she didn't matter.
At first...I thought it would be easy-the whole 3 week thing-, but then I realized that I had been so used to him, that it was harder than I expected. I broke down the first day, crying to my psychology professor because she could tell how upset I'd been for the whole class period. She now checks up on me when she can, just to see if I'm okay.
I also ran into him twice, both times coincidental, one time going to get lunch, another just for when I was heading to the bathroom.
I had to distract myself and keep myself busy to keep from texting him, but I'd break down each day and do it, although I forced myself yesterday to not do it and I didn't.
But, today, almost a week later, I wound up talking to the girl. I was nervous, almost to the point of being sick. I realized how sweet she was, and that, yes, she still liked him and, in a way, we ourselves were almost alike. I know she hates being in the middle of this, that she feels like, now, our relationship ended because of her. I told her that it wasn't her fault, how I didn't blame her, how I wasn't mad at her. And I wasn't. We actually talked and I asked for her side of the story when she and my now ex boyfriend hung out. She told me that she would e-mail me and I hope that she does.
We talked a little more and she actually asked if she could hug me and we did.
For that moment, I suddenly felt more relief than I had in a long time. I had done something I had always wanted to do and, now, maybe I could see things from her side more clearly.
I really want the two of them to talk again, because...well...if my ex and I do get back together, I don't want any words between them left unsaid. I know that's a lot to ask...but...it's just how I feel.
But...I also ended up talking to him, face to face. He's hurting, that was easy to tell. His eyes were rimmed red, like a person's who has done nothing but constantly cry. As we talked...I came to realize something and he knew it as well: There is a possibility of us getting back together, but we were going to have to start from the bottom up again. I found that he distracts himself, so as not to think about the situation, and every note and letter I've written to him in the past 2 years, he's read. He doesn't want me to worry about him anymore-he is glad that I care and that I'm compassionate-, he just wants me to worry about myself.
I want us to get back together but...honestly...it's hard for me to stop contacting him. But I don't want to because, now...I know it just hurts him more and more each time we talk while he's trying to get things figured out in his head.
Was it right for me to talk to her? Was it right of me to talk to him?
Our 2 year is on the 26th of this month...I just don't know if I can be strong enough for that day or not...

rangerqueen

20 isn't that young I feel. People say its young when everything falls through but if they're 50 and been married since 20 nobody says they were too young because they stayed together. I married at 22 and still happily married and I'm almost 25! Still "young"! haha. I hope you do get back together if you love him. You should give him space of course if he needs it but definitely leave him in no doubt of how you feel, or that you care & want him back "only if that is how he feels also". Let him sit with that and he either will or won't come back. At that point you'll know how he really feels. Don't try to get him back right now your way as if he does youll never know if it was his choice, because he felt he should to make you happy or if hes ready, and it may lead you right back to here again in the future. If he doesn't come back then move on thinking to yourself you get a head start on healing. Better to start know rather than later. Just let it sit and see, but definitely don't go out with anyone else either, 1... he wont come back if he wants to because hell think you don't care or wont like that you went out with someone else and 2... you don't need another relationship with its problems on top of all this. Probably not the best reply, I don't know, and I'm just a regular person who may be talking out of her butt, but it may be helpful, may not. Good luck with all

NikkiSixGuns

You are young. If you break up on good terms, there's always the possibility of trying again at a later point in life. (My current boyfriend and I dated briefly at 14-15 somewhere, it didn't work out, but we stayed friends. Last year we decided to try again, now we're living together. It happens)

I understand that 2 years is nothing to scoff at, but if there isn't much there now, if there are doubts and hesitations - where will you be in 5 years? 10 years? 20?

This is a big decision to make, and it's not just yours to make. Maybe he doesn't want to be dating you because there isn't much there anymore, but he still likes and cares about you, and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I don't know. Talk to him. Write down all the things you wonder and worry about and accept that if his heart isn't really in it, it's better to hurt for a bit and find someone who does.

Good luck figuring things out.

Great advice. Not saying you can't know what you want when you're young (I did - married at 23 and been married for 9+ years now) but I will say this: between 20 and 30 your perspective on life changes A LOT. It's normal that both of you are both going to change, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. If you're both willing to work on the relationship and figure out why he's becoming disinterested, then there's hope. If not, then it's probably best to move on.

ErinMLB

From your posts it seems like your life is completely caught up in his decisions. Maybe you should take some time to figure out who you are without him, and than see what happens from there.

starswillfly

Not talking to him is hard to do. There are some days when I feel okay and there are other days when I feel so depressed it's hard to breathe at points.
What would've been our 2 year is Tuesday and...I don't know...
It makes me sick to think about it.
I would talk to my mom, but all she thinks he is is a lying, cheating, scumbag and if I were to get back together with him at some point, she'd be disappointed in me. My mom has always had trouble with men (her taste in them wasn't that good, especially in high school) and she can't really see the good in him; all she see's is the bad. I try to defend him, but she either doesn't believe me or she won't listen.
He is hurting so much-he feels like a monster-and I can't bring myself to tell him any of that, nor can I tell him straight out that he has broken the heart I gave him to hold.
I wish I could be a little happier, but everything around me just reminds me of him more and more...
I don't want to talk to him, even though he said I could if I needed to, that he wouldn't mind...but I can't...
Because...how is he going to miss me if I talk to him?
I don't have many friends, you see, and I know the ones I do have are probably getting sick and tired of me. I started talking to a girl my ex is friends with, who he said would probably help me out since she had been through the same thing that I'm going through. She told me that he doesn't regret me, that I have touched his life immensely. She said that he has called her multiple times, sobbing.
He also had his cousin-someone who he is incredibly close to-say that, now, he has to live with the consequences of what he's done.
I don't know anymore...I just feel abandoned and worthless...
And if I hear Mariah Carey's "All I Want for Christmas is You" again, I'll scream.

skinnyclare

I agree with the other post that between the ages of 20-30 your attitude to relationships/life will change. If you want my advise move on. Yes it will hurt and you will be upset but guess what you will get over it, you always do and you will meet someone new.

starswillfly

I've decided to step up and be strong again.
It will be hard, but I've come to the decision that if I can, I can be friends with him, even if it is weird at first.
And if he does move on with that girl, so be it.
I heard from one of his friends that went to school with her that just about everyone-including the friend-found her to be incredibly annoying. And...well...let's just say my ex doesn't like annoying people. At all. They get under his skin easily.
So...phooey. I'm stepping into my strong, independent, single girl shoes starting after next Thursday. I'm working on a plan and it'll take some time to finalize it. Until then, thank you everyone for your advice and such!

starswillfly

Actually, I take that back...I ended up calling him last night and we ended up fighting about this whole "friend" situation and how it would go. It turns out-I kind of already knew-that my ex is incredibly depressed and bitter mainly at himself. And it terrifies me. For about 30 minutes after what I will only refer to as the "Plateau", we talked, well, normally, like we used to.
In a way, it was nice to be able to do that, all of a sudden. But, now, I made a promise to not only myself, but to him: I will be strong and I will give him that space. He does need to be alone for a little while, and I will grant him that. Each time I contact him, I know it only hurts him more.
Hopefully that statement that everyone seems to be saying is true: Time heals all wounds.

crash_aly

Actually, I take that back...I ended up calling him last night and we ended up fighting about this whole "friend" situation and how it would go. It turns out-I kind of already knew-that my ex is incredibly depressed and bitter mainly at himself. And it terrifies me. For about 30 minutes after what I will only refer to as the "Plateau", we talked, well, normally, like we used to.
In a way, it was nice to be able to do that, all of a sudden. But, now, I made a promise to not only myself, but to him: I will be strong and I will give him that space. He does need to be alone for a little while, and I will grant him that. Each time I contact him, I know it only hurts him more.
Hopefully that statement that everyone seems to be saying is true: Time heals all wounds.

Time does heal. But don't walk away from this without learning something.

I dated the same guy from when I was 15 until just before I turned 21. We went through three 'breaks' before we actually broke up (I being the one to end it).

Don't think of it as giving him space, you need space too. Find things that you enjoy and really live your life. Make decisions that you would normally think of discussing with him prior and just go with it. There is a lot to be said about being in a very serious relationship at such a young age. Do your best to embrace this and learn more about yourself. When I left my ex I immediately booked a flight to Atlanta (where my sister had moved to about a year prior) and spent a long weekend with her.

Don't be afraid to talk about the relationship and to cry. I journaled a lot as well.

Things will get better!