Embarrassing and unpopular to admit but...

starchile

So, I'm 44 years old and will be 45 in June. I have never been married...never even be PROPOSED to and I don't have any kids. If you knew me, you'd know how sad this is for me. I LOVE kids...have ALWAYS wanted children and as a matter of fact, I started a scrap book for my (future) children when I was like 17 years old. About 5 years ago, I stopped adding little things to it b/c I began to realize that it probably wasn't going to happen for me in this lifetime.

One of the main reasons that I want to FINALLY lose this weight is that I don't want to be single any more. I want to find some love in this world.

BEFORE ANYONE GETS ALL PREACHY ON ME....

YES I know that any man worth having will take me at whatever size
YES I know that I have to learn to love myself before anyone else will love me
YES I know that people of ALL sizes find love

I "know" all of these things...and I ALSO KNOW

That there are a LOT of ingrained negative feelings towards fat people in our society. however shallow that may be...it's the truth. I already know that I will have a LOT more CANDIDATES if I lose weight.

Additionally, I will feel better ABOUT MYSELF and have more confidence...AND be more social. I find myself staying inside a lot because my self esteem has been low due to the weight gain.

Obviously, it's not GUARANTEED that I will find someone JUST BECAUSE I've lost weight...but I'm doing work on myself in other areas as well and the combination definitely can't hurt me in any way.

Anybody out there feel me at all??

emilym820

Here's what I know. You are gorgeous and you are awesome, so I can't imagine what the guys are thinking.

starchile

Aweeee...thank you so much Emily! You are very sweet.

I feel like a big, gigantic fat girl "with a cute face"...guys don't really go for that...they are into a woman's body. It sux but it's true.

But that's ok. LIke I said, I really need to just gain some self confidence...and if I LOOK better I will FEEL better. I hope.

LOL

sarahyourprincess

you are stunning and seem so beyond sweet, those guys don't know what they're missing!

RhonndaJ

I think you're on the right track with saying that you need to work on your self confidence, because you are gorgeous, and you've got a great shape even if you are fat. But I also know that culture may have something to do with it as well.

Simply put there are some places that are more fat positive than others. Where I live I'm pretty certain you'd end up beating them off with a stick (this does not mean that they'd be suitable for you but I'm pretty certain you'd get tons of attention). In other places, I know it can be very very different.

adlace

I feel you. I'm 43 and often feel like I missed the day they were handing out loving husbands and families, lol. Losing weight is taking up most of my energy right now, though. But I am happier than I was when I started so maybe the happy with come through as I keep going and maybe I won't give the stink eye to "the one" and scare him away if we ever meet :-).

Stay positive, cuz your soul and body are beautiful and anything can happen!!

ldrosophila

First looking at your profile you are a gorgeous woman I'd kill for your smile and eyes.

And yes I feel you. Sadly it's the world we live in its not fair and it's b-llsh-t but it's what we have to deal with with that being said and I'm sure you know this there are dating options for bbw.

If losing weight gives you confidence and opens up mor opportunities then I say grab the bull by the horn. I hope you find your happiness.

starchile

Thank you so much for the compliments ladies.

@Sarah: awwee, thanks! Yeah! They DON'T! hahahah...and btw, you are BEAUTIFUL yourself!

@Familiar: Thank you...yeah, my self confidence has been really low lately. But moving to wherever you live might help!!! LOL (where is that??)

@adlace: YES!!! I feel the exact same way...where was I? I was probably in the cake line. LOL. I've tried REALLY hard to be open to the possiblity of love and NOT get bitter or distrusting of men. Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out and the type of men I attract are not the type of men I need in my life.

ldrosophila: Thank you lady...no, keep your smile and eyes...you are adorable! Yeah, the men that I've come across through BBW websites are pretty much just looking for a quick romp. That's not really where I'm at so I've had to stay away. But YES!!! Consider the horns of the bull GRABBED!! RAWWRRR!!!

squindles

Please, don't take this as an insult but GET YOURSELF SOME CONFIDENCE GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've looked at your profile pics and you are STUNNING. I know hard it is luv to have that confidence in yourself when you are over weight, but you're fortunate to have looks on yourside as a BIG PLUS!! Society IS cruel, but remember, it's society's problem not yours!!

ellay391

Holy crap, I can so identify with this. Sometimes I wonder if my size is going to keep me from ever finding someone. And that's precisely why I'm trying to get down to a healthy weight.

SadieRose07

I identify with everything everyone has written!

I was married when I was very young, divorced. He is/was an *kitten* and phsychologically abusive. Glad he's gone and would rather be alone then with someone like that.

You said you attact all the wrong kinds of men, and I feel the same way! I joke that I have an invisible sign on my forehead that only they can see!

You ARE gorgeous! And you it seems to me it's inside and out. Keep going, you're doing great. I think (for me included) as we work through this journey we are working on the inside as much as the outside and that's bound to have so many positive effects.

pluckypaleo

Have any of you considered on line dating? I did it, and I was about 280 when I met my husband. As of January 1st, I was 338. I gained weight because I am happy and my husband loves me just the way I am. I know It is hard, but the right one will find you, you just may need to give them a little help! I met some weirdo's in the online dating scene, but my husband is 100% perfect for me. The crazy thing is, he was only one town over, and our paths had never crossed. We even knew some of the same people, but were never at the same place at the same time. He blames it on our age difference. He had sworn off dating 21 year olds and below when we met. Luckily for me I was mature for 21. Lol. I'll be 25 on the 10th, and he will be 30 in may. I wouldnt change a thing.

You are BEAUTIFUL. you may just need to put yourself out there!

starchile

Thank you for your response and that is SO AWESOME that you've found the love of your life online.

Yea, I've tried a few different dating sites and...yeah, more weirdos than I can deal with in this lifetime. I keep trying though. lol.

I'm actually hoping that with the weight loss I will be able to just get out in the real world more and meet a guy doing something that I love...like whitewater rafting or something. lol.

patience is key I guess.

V0lver

i feel you and i hope you found all the happiness in this world. You are gorgeous and if i hadnt read your post, i would have assumed you have men fighting each other for you. The good thing is you know what you have to do and obviously, the physical transformation part of it is just a minor step, the mental battle being the real hurdle in your case. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel and who knows a year from now, you will be glad you pushed through. Good luck and all the best! Some guy is going to get real lucky very soon

pluckypaleo

Thank you for your response and that is SO AWESOME that you've found the love of your life online.

Yea, I've tried a few different dating sites and...yeah, more weirdos than I can deal with in this lifetime. I keep trying though. lol.

I'm actually hoping that with the weight loss I will be able to just get out in the real world more and meet a guy doing something that I love...like whitewater rafting or something. lol.

patience is key I guess.

absolutely! THere is also something around where i am called events and adventures? I have heard great things about it. Basically it's for singles and you go do an event that you like to do with a group of singles and see if you hit it off with some one. i think it's a nationwide thing, but im not sure. maybe look into that? THat will give you more face time too and help build your confidence. Confidence is key! Good luck pretty lady!

CrescentEddy

Hi Starchile,
Some of the best advice my old boss ever gave me was that I had to work on my confidence at the office. He said that I had great skills but they weren't coming across because of my body language, and my overall modest-and-meek demeanour. I was a total hide-in-the-shadows wallflower. I was so sad and frustrated that I kept getting passed over and felt invisible.

He was encouraging me to work on my confidence in the context of helping me advance in my career… but I ended up applying his advice to my entire life, in a kind of unique way, well, I decided what better way to build my confidence than to take a class in burlesque dancing. Wow - I am so proud that I can say that! At the time I was 250lbs, with a big smile, a love of sequins, and was some how able to convey tons of attitude. The classes lead to a short-lived moonlighting burlesque career (omg - don't tell my boss!!!) in front of real (and very appreciative!!) audiences. Every time I got on stage, I realized that I had something unique and special to offer… and that the audience loved my confidence! I found so much size-acceptance in the burlesque community, it changed my life. Developing routines built my creativity, was super social and obviously, really changed for the better the way I value my self and my body.

To be clear, my paid work is in an artistic but business-y environment… a far cry from the shake and shimmy of the fun & fabulous burlesque world. But the base "confidence" I developed there was kind of like a newly found skill that I was able to carry into my workplace. Within a year I got a promotion at work and feel so much happier with what I am doing in my day-job! I stand up for myself and work hard to achieve my goals and be fairly recognized for my efforts. Not only that, but I am sure that it was my new-found confidence that helped me get out there and bring my best energy to meeting people and socializing. I am now in a happy & loving relationship!

In the meantime, my moonlight shimmying has ended… but I look so fondly on those times and what they brought me…

I'm telling you this story, one because it is so crazy unbelievable!, and two, because it has been my experience that sometimes we have to just go for it, and do something that challenges us and helps us grow, and have fun doing it. And the end result may be completely unexpected or take you on a wild and wonderful path to the destination you were always hoping for.

Legion

Zombieinkpot

Oh Star *hugs*

I feel exactly the same way. While I've had some really good male friends, I've never dated or got any male attention. I tried online dating, but I didn't get any interest. While I've always blamed my weight, I don't think it is a barrier because I constantly see women my size or larger who are beating them off with a stick. For me personally I think I have so many walls up that I wouldn't even notice if a man was trying to flirt, and if I did I'd probably freak out and run away!

dakrzone

Hi Starchile,

I'm a male but I understand exactly what you are saying and where you are coming from. I do believe that the potential for many of the positive changes you speak about will increase dramatically as you get smaller. I think the best thing about what you shared is that this is probably a great motivator for you and will push you to get the results you desire.

Along the way I would bet that the changes you see and experience will happen both internally and externally simultaneously. But don't hide yourself at home cause love can't find you there. Many of us guys recognize and value inner beauty just as much, maybe more than external beauty.

Keep up the good work, you'll get there!

starchile

@Volver: you posted your response a while ago so you probably won't see this but THANK YOU!!! You are very kind to say those things and you are right, the mental battle is the toughest. I appreciate your encouragement...and I hope that you are right! lol.

@Legion: What an AWESOME story!!! Thank you so much for sharing. And I totally get what you are saying. I tried bellydancing for a little while which obviously is along the same lines of a dance that is sensual and very accepting of a body with curves. I love that you just went out and DID IT!!! I can imagine the feeling of just saying EFF IT! This is my body!! and totally being accepted for it. So awesome girly!!! I hope to find that amount of confidence at some point soon!!!!

@zombie: Thank you and hugs to you as well lady! Yeah, I hear you about the walls. I've slowly grown so distrusting of men and their intentions that I have some walls of my own. Heart has been kicked around a bit so I'm trying to open those doors without getting hurt again. Jeez, it's tough!!!

@dakrzone: thank you so much. Really great to hear a guy's perspective.

Savedandsanctified

Hello everyone,

Maybe I am naive, but I don't think weight has anything to do with finding a husband. I have always been a big girl, I married my current husband when I weighted about 400lbs, He loves me and I him. I have never had trouble dating, in fact my skinny friends and have been married once before. As stated several times before, you are beautiful, and maybe your Boaz hasn't found you yet that doesn't mean that he is not coming. Just make sure you are ready and stay encouraged !



Hope to see less of you soon!

LexieSweetheart

I feel what you are saying! I think my dating life will be much greater when I lose weight.

cincysweetheart

I hear you. While it's not my reason for losing weight…. I admit… the idea has crossed my mind more than once. I absolutely don't care what anyone thinks of me, but it would be nice for a change not to be almost automatically and immediately dismissed because of my weight.