Post Thanksgiving examination
Options
TonyTrink
Posts: 38 Member
This is the second time I've tried to use MFP to help with my weight issues. The last time was a few years ago and I stuck with it for about 4 or 5 months. It was great. I was exercising regularly, staying in my calorie goal, losing weight, drinking my water, and feeling great about things. Then it got to feel like more work to log my food everyday, exercise got a bit boring, and I decided I didn't need to log my food anymore because it had become second nature. Once that stopped everything feel off and I gained all the weight back, plus an extra 5 pounds.
So, now I'm back. The logging of my food is easier this time around, the data base isn't missing as many things as it was a few years ago, so that's good. I'm having a hard time getting back into the exercise, but it's there. The water took a bit to get back on track with, but it's there again now too, and I've started shedding the pounds. My fear is that I'll fall back again, just like last time. So, I decided this time, I needed to do something different.
I decided that it was time to examine my relationship with food. It was time to address my compulsive eating. I've actively sober for the last 23 years, so I know something about addiction and I know that my eating patterns aren't about a bad habit or lack of self-control. I know that my relationship with food is unhealthy and if it isn't addressed I will fall back to my old patterns and gain the weight back, again. I decided that along with MFP, I needed to take a look at Overeaters Anonymous.
As part of my recovery from alcoholism, I also participate on another website that is geared toward multiple 12 Step recovery programs. One of them, happens to be OA. In spite of 23 years of sobriety and my familiarity with AA, I know nothing about OA. So, I started checking out the discussion page for OA on this other website. Didn't really get much traction for me, not really that many postings, not much discussion going on there. I checked out the emotional binging group here on MFP, again, didn't really seem to be much going on there either.
Then, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, the OA page on that other site, had a topic posted by a member about an online OA meeting on Thursday to help support folks get through the holiday. So, I posted on that discussion, asking a simple question. “I'm planning on eating whatever I want and however much I want on Thanksgiving because I've been eating really well this month so far, and you guys are talking about food plans. Does that count as a 'plan,' since I'm planning to indulge, not going to indulge because of negative emotions? I'm worried because that sounds a little bit like an alcoholic planning to get drunk on a holiday as a 'special occasion' and I don't want to be setting myself up.”
The response I got was not the response I was wanting to hear. Folks shared that it was exactly like that. That I needed to have a “food plan” meaning I needed to plan out what I was going to eat ahead of time, eat normal sized portions, or even bring my own food. Ok, now that just sounded crazy as hell! I'd read several discussion posts here on MFP of other people who were giving themselves permission to indulge on Thanksgiving, why couldn't I? So, after my temper tantrum was had, I realized that I knew that while others could do that, I really shouldn't, just like others can decide to have a night of heavy drinking, but I can't.
So, I had a pretty normal sized Thanksgiving. I didn't stay within my 1200 calories, but knew that ahead of time, that's weight loss calories, I also didn't go crazy, I hit 1500, and still managed to feel full. So, yay me. In the meantime, I've been looking online and found some OA speakers on podcasts, talking about their overeating and their recovery, what that looks like, what different terms used in that program mean and how they work, ect. I'm not 100% sure about the whole thing, OA-wise, but I'm also certain that a large portion of that resistance is my own denial. I'm still exploring the whole OA thing with an open mind, but haven't committed to anything yet.
That said, I just posted an update to the Thanksgiving thread I originally posted on at the other site. While posting that I realized something. I realized I was stressing that I ate a normal amount of food and still had a good time and felt fulfilled at the end of Thanksgiving. That got me thinking. Why was the idea that I still had a good time, so important to me. I realized that it was important, because I was surprised by the fact that I had a good time. I had been looking forward to indulging, well, not really indulging, that's me being fake. I had been looking forward to gorging myself on Thanksgiving. Because I had been looking forward to that, I had it in my mind that anything other than that would be a miserable Thanksgiving. That I would ruin Thanksgiving if I was paying attention to portion size and amounts of food. That the only way I would have a good time, was if I gorged myself. That's not normal or healthy thinking. That's really twisted. The good time is supposed to be spending it with friends and family, people and relationships that are important. My idea of a good time is spending it with food plentiful, good, warm, saucy, salty, sweet, crispy, etc.
So, now I realize that I really need to examine my relationship with food, because it's not healthy, it's not normal, it's not fulfilling, and I'm sick of it. I hope that taking this whole thing to a deeper level, this time learning how to eat normally and balanced will allow this to stick, not just keep the weight off, but stop this abusive relationship with food that I seem to have. We'll see.
So, now I'm back. The logging of my food is easier this time around, the data base isn't missing as many things as it was a few years ago, so that's good. I'm having a hard time getting back into the exercise, but it's there. The water took a bit to get back on track with, but it's there again now too, and I've started shedding the pounds. My fear is that I'll fall back again, just like last time. So, I decided this time, I needed to do something different.
I decided that it was time to examine my relationship with food. It was time to address my compulsive eating. I've actively sober for the last 23 years, so I know something about addiction and I know that my eating patterns aren't about a bad habit or lack of self-control. I know that my relationship with food is unhealthy and if it isn't addressed I will fall back to my old patterns and gain the weight back, again. I decided that along with MFP, I needed to take a look at Overeaters Anonymous.
As part of my recovery from alcoholism, I also participate on another website that is geared toward multiple 12 Step recovery programs. One of them, happens to be OA. In spite of 23 years of sobriety and my familiarity with AA, I know nothing about OA. So, I started checking out the discussion page for OA on this other website. Didn't really get much traction for me, not really that many postings, not much discussion going on there. I checked out the emotional binging group here on MFP, again, didn't really seem to be much going on there either.
Then, a couple of days before Thanksgiving, the OA page on that other site, had a topic posted by a member about an online OA meeting on Thursday to help support folks get through the holiday. So, I posted on that discussion, asking a simple question. “I'm planning on eating whatever I want and however much I want on Thanksgiving because I've been eating really well this month so far, and you guys are talking about food plans. Does that count as a 'plan,' since I'm planning to indulge, not going to indulge because of negative emotions? I'm worried because that sounds a little bit like an alcoholic planning to get drunk on a holiday as a 'special occasion' and I don't want to be setting myself up.”
The response I got was not the response I was wanting to hear. Folks shared that it was exactly like that. That I needed to have a “food plan” meaning I needed to plan out what I was going to eat ahead of time, eat normal sized portions, or even bring my own food. Ok, now that just sounded crazy as hell! I'd read several discussion posts here on MFP of other people who were giving themselves permission to indulge on Thanksgiving, why couldn't I? So, after my temper tantrum was had, I realized that I knew that while others could do that, I really shouldn't, just like others can decide to have a night of heavy drinking, but I can't.
So, I had a pretty normal sized Thanksgiving. I didn't stay within my 1200 calories, but knew that ahead of time, that's weight loss calories, I also didn't go crazy, I hit 1500, and still managed to feel full. So, yay me. In the meantime, I've been looking online and found some OA speakers on podcasts, talking about their overeating and their recovery, what that looks like, what different terms used in that program mean and how they work, ect. I'm not 100% sure about the whole thing, OA-wise, but I'm also certain that a large portion of that resistance is my own denial. I'm still exploring the whole OA thing with an open mind, but haven't committed to anything yet.
That said, I just posted an update to the Thanksgiving thread I originally posted on at the other site. While posting that I realized something. I realized I was stressing that I ate a normal amount of food and still had a good time and felt fulfilled at the end of Thanksgiving. That got me thinking. Why was the idea that I still had a good time, so important to me. I realized that it was important, because I was surprised by the fact that I had a good time. I had been looking forward to indulging, well, not really indulging, that's me being fake. I had been looking forward to gorging myself on Thanksgiving. Because I had been looking forward to that, I had it in my mind that anything other than that would be a miserable Thanksgiving. That I would ruin Thanksgiving if I was paying attention to portion size and amounts of food. That the only way I would have a good time, was if I gorged myself. That's not normal or healthy thinking. That's really twisted. The good time is supposed to be spending it with friends and family, people and relationships that are important. My idea of a good time is spending it with food plentiful, good, warm, saucy, salty, sweet, crispy, etc.
So, now I realize that I really need to examine my relationship with food, because it's not healthy, it's not normal, it's not fulfilling, and I'm sick of it. I hope that taking this whole thing to a deeper level, this time learning how to eat normally and balanced will allow this to stick, not just keep the weight off, but stop this abusive relationship with food that I seem to have. We'll see.
0