I've had ENOUGH.
fourdamagedlemons
Posts: 4 Member
Hey guys.
This may be a little long, but I need to explain my complex and rather odd situation. I'm 24 years old, a little over 5'8" and somewhere around 143. I have gained 8-10lbs from binge eating for the last two months. For a little background info, I have always struggled with moderation ever since I was a child. I was a little pudgy and shy and turned to food for comfort. I went on atkins in the 8th grade and slimmed down, and started playing volleyball. I was skinny, but still haunted by people teasing me in middle school. I became anorexic at age 15. That's also when I started doing drugs and smoking. I quit doing drugs at 18, but continued smoking and drinking alcohol. I have always battled the hellish overeating and restricting cycle, but my moderate binging was more of a reaction to starving, rather than a drug or high itself. I moved to Europe when I was 20, and went on birth control. My hormones went crazy and I was in a somewhat depressing relationship, feeling homesick and adapting to snowy weather. I was in a funk and started eating like ****. I would overeat chocolate and pastries, etc. My boyfriend knew I was overeating and gaining weight, but just made fun of me. He didn't really give me a hard time. He thought it was cute that I had a massive "sweet tooth," and also admitted that he liked me to be a little chubby because other guys wouldn't hit on me as much. I don't even want to go into that crap! Anyways, I guess my daily junk food runs to the corner store for chocolate became a shameful ritual. I gained about 15 lbs all together. My binging stopped when I went off of birth control, but I still overate and starved at times. I moved back home and gradually lost all of the weight. At this point, I was smoking and drinking daily, and didn't crave sweets at all. I would eat dark chocolate with my wine in the evenings, and once a month, to celebrate my period, I would drink hot chocolate and eat chocolate brownies and candies.
At age 23, I met my current boyfriend. We were both drinking a lot when we first met, and he thought that I had a problem. I quit smoking, which was incredibly hard. He suggested that we quit drinking, because it was a trigger for me. I was reluctant, because I like being buzzed and seeking pleasure (duh). We quit, and I was afraid to gain weight, so he showed me how to weigh food and count calories. I also starting lifting weights with him and working out 5 days a week. Soon after, he became incredibly controlling. I believe that he suffers from OCPD, and he started to control EVERY aspect of my life, as well as criticize EVERYTHING about me. I was miserable. He convinced me that I was an alcoholic, because I was depressed after quitting smoking and drinking. He forced me to go to AA meetings, cut me off from friends and family, and started to monitor my diet and exercise. He also has an ED. He used to be anorexic, corrected that by weighing all of his food and exercising excessively. We did cheat DAYS together once a month. We would binge all day long, and return to our strict diets. At this point, I felt that I had no control over my life and was not allowed to make my own decisions about anything. I couldn't smoke, because he could smell it (even the e-cigarette), I couldn't drink, because he would catch me, so I decided to eat as much as possible whenever I was away from him. I gained 8 lbs and lied to him about it. Eventually, I told him and he shamed me. He wanted to scare me out of it. He said horrible things. I told him that I needed to stop weighing my food, it was making me crazy. He fought me on it, but I stopped. I also stopped going to AA meetings (RIDICULOUS), but agreed to stay sober. I managed my binge eating, and started to eat healthier. I was still 8 lbs overweight, and didn't feel comfortable. His snide comments didn't help. Everyday, he would give me **** for what I was eating, and how I looked. He would make fun of my double chin, and butt fat. Mind you, I was 5'8".5 and 143lbs. That's not what many would consider FAT. Somehow, he convinced me to start weighing my food again. This time, I enjoyed it for the first month. I was perfect throughout the week, eating 1300 calories, exercising 6 days a week, and enjoying our cheat meals. He started to become obsessive. I told him that my GW was 125, and he pushed me to reach my goals. He started pestering me everyday. I looked great and got down to 133, but he said that I shouldn't get too comfortable until I reach my GW. He was checking up on my daily progress (he nearly weighed me himself), and starting to control my cheat day. We would go out to breakfast, and he would order a decadent milkshake, and wouldn't let me have more than a sip. We would get ice cream and he would order a MASSIVE sundae, and would yell at me if I ordered more than one scoop. And of course, I felt controlled again and started to binge eat in secret. This time was even worse. I started working at this horrible restaurant, (where I work to this day), with loads of cookies, ice cream, cakes and pies, and deep fried southern BBQ. One day, I let myself go to town on the sweet foods I had been denying for months. That started a horrible binge cycle. I was binging everyday - going out to different candy shops, bakeries and grocery stores. Eating as much as I could while he had his back turned. Then I told him that I could no longer weight my food, but didn't tell him that I was binging again. He could see it, because I gained the 8lbs back. He fought me about going off of the diet, but realized that he had to give in. He gave me loads of **** - when I ate "too much chicken" he called me fat. Of course, he apologized and felt horrible for everything he was doing, but then he was right back to it. He couldn't hold it in. He yelled at me for eating salad dressing, fresh squeezed juice, because of the empty calories and carbs. He was back to commenting on my double chin, and telling me that I had let myself go. I tried to leave him everyday, but just couldn't. He finally agreed to go on medication, because he couldn't control his obsessive criticism about my body and life choices. He has improved for the last week. He still says little things here and there, like, "you should weigh yourself to make sure whatever you're doing is working," or asking me stupid questions like, "do you even care about your weight anymore? I just want to know! I'm not criticizing!!" BULL****. I have been much, much better. I'm exercising 5 days a week and practicing clean and healthy eating. I had a mini binge slip up at work with the ice cream machine two days ago, but that didn't trigger me to go out to different bakeries and piss the day away. I am currently looking for a new job.
I feel that I'm on a good track now, but everyday is a challenge. I'm still up about 8-10lbs, but am trying not to diet as to avoid the viscous cycle I keep falling into. I used to smoke or have cocktail when I felt upset. Now I drink tea and eat a little healthy snack. I have won back the freedom to drink alcohol, too. I have been enjoying a drink with dinner once or twice a week, and I'm very proud of myself. My boyfriend is still my biggest binge trigger. He isn't going to stay on his medication, because it's giving him strange physical side effects. He's going off of it today. He says that he has made a change himself, and it's not due to his medication. I said, "we'll see." If he goes back to his old ways, or doesn't improve, (because he still bothers me nearly every day), I will leave him, and he knows it. I just need to protect myself, and binging will surely kill me.
This may be a little long, but I need to explain my complex and rather odd situation. I'm 24 years old, a little over 5'8" and somewhere around 143. I have gained 8-10lbs from binge eating for the last two months. For a little background info, I have always struggled with moderation ever since I was a child. I was a little pudgy and shy and turned to food for comfort. I went on atkins in the 8th grade and slimmed down, and started playing volleyball. I was skinny, but still haunted by people teasing me in middle school. I became anorexic at age 15. That's also when I started doing drugs and smoking. I quit doing drugs at 18, but continued smoking and drinking alcohol. I have always battled the hellish overeating and restricting cycle, but my moderate binging was more of a reaction to starving, rather than a drug or high itself. I moved to Europe when I was 20, and went on birth control. My hormones went crazy and I was in a somewhat depressing relationship, feeling homesick and adapting to snowy weather. I was in a funk and started eating like ****. I would overeat chocolate and pastries, etc. My boyfriend knew I was overeating and gaining weight, but just made fun of me. He didn't really give me a hard time. He thought it was cute that I had a massive "sweet tooth," and also admitted that he liked me to be a little chubby because other guys wouldn't hit on me as much. I don't even want to go into that crap! Anyways, I guess my daily junk food runs to the corner store for chocolate became a shameful ritual. I gained about 15 lbs all together. My binging stopped when I went off of birth control, but I still overate and starved at times. I moved back home and gradually lost all of the weight. At this point, I was smoking and drinking daily, and didn't crave sweets at all. I would eat dark chocolate with my wine in the evenings, and once a month, to celebrate my period, I would drink hot chocolate and eat chocolate brownies and candies.
At age 23, I met my current boyfriend. We were both drinking a lot when we first met, and he thought that I had a problem. I quit smoking, which was incredibly hard. He suggested that we quit drinking, because it was a trigger for me. I was reluctant, because I like being buzzed and seeking pleasure (duh). We quit, and I was afraid to gain weight, so he showed me how to weigh food and count calories. I also starting lifting weights with him and working out 5 days a week. Soon after, he became incredibly controlling. I believe that he suffers from OCPD, and he started to control EVERY aspect of my life, as well as criticize EVERYTHING about me. I was miserable. He convinced me that I was an alcoholic, because I was depressed after quitting smoking and drinking. He forced me to go to AA meetings, cut me off from friends and family, and started to monitor my diet and exercise. He also has an ED. He used to be anorexic, corrected that by weighing all of his food and exercising excessively. We did cheat DAYS together once a month. We would binge all day long, and return to our strict diets. At this point, I felt that I had no control over my life and was not allowed to make my own decisions about anything. I couldn't smoke, because he could smell it (even the e-cigarette), I couldn't drink, because he would catch me, so I decided to eat as much as possible whenever I was away from him. I gained 8 lbs and lied to him about it. Eventually, I told him and he shamed me. He wanted to scare me out of it. He said horrible things. I told him that I needed to stop weighing my food, it was making me crazy. He fought me on it, but I stopped. I also stopped going to AA meetings (RIDICULOUS), but agreed to stay sober. I managed my binge eating, and started to eat healthier. I was still 8 lbs overweight, and didn't feel comfortable. His snide comments didn't help. Everyday, he would give me **** for what I was eating, and how I looked. He would make fun of my double chin, and butt fat. Mind you, I was 5'8".5 and 143lbs. That's not what many would consider FAT. Somehow, he convinced me to start weighing my food again. This time, I enjoyed it for the first month. I was perfect throughout the week, eating 1300 calories, exercising 6 days a week, and enjoying our cheat meals. He started to become obsessive. I told him that my GW was 125, and he pushed me to reach my goals. He started pestering me everyday. I looked great and got down to 133, but he said that I shouldn't get too comfortable until I reach my GW. He was checking up on my daily progress (he nearly weighed me himself), and starting to control my cheat day. We would go out to breakfast, and he would order a decadent milkshake, and wouldn't let me have more than a sip. We would get ice cream and he would order a MASSIVE sundae, and would yell at me if I ordered more than one scoop. And of course, I felt controlled again and started to binge eat in secret. This time was even worse. I started working at this horrible restaurant, (where I work to this day), with loads of cookies, ice cream, cakes and pies, and deep fried southern BBQ. One day, I let myself go to town on the sweet foods I had been denying for months. That started a horrible binge cycle. I was binging everyday - going out to different candy shops, bakeries and grocery stores. Eating as much as I could while he had his back turned. Then I told him that I could no longer weight my food, but didn't tell him that I was binging again. He could see it, because I gained the 8lbs back. He fought me about going off of the diet, but realized that he had to give in. He gave me loads of **** - when I ate "too much chicken" he called me fat. Of course, he apologized and felt horrible for everything he was doing, but then he was right back to it. He couldn't hold it in. He yelled at me for eating salad dressing, fresh squeezed juice, because of the empty calories and carbs. He was back to commenting on my double chin, and telling me that I had let myself go. I tried to leave him everyday, but just couldn't. He finally agreed to go on medication, because he couldn't control his obsessive criticism about my body and life choices. He has improved for the last week. He still says little things here and there, like, "you should weigh yourself to make sure whatever you're doing is working," or asking me stupid questions like, "do you even care about your weight anymore? I just want to know! I'm not criticizing!!" BULL****. I have been much, much better. I'm exercising 5 days a week and practicing clean and healthy eating. I had a mini binge slip up at work with the ice cream machine two days ago, but that didn't trigger me to go out to different bakeries and piss the day away. I am currently looking for a new job.
I feel that I'm on a good track now, but everyday is a challenge. I'm still up about 8-10lbs, but am trying not to diet as to avoid the viscous cycle I keep falling into. I used to smoke or have cocktail when I felt upset. Now I drink tea and eat a little healthy snack. I have won back the freedom to drink alcohol, too. I have been enjoying a drink with dinner once or twice a week, and I'm very proud of myself. My boyfriend is still my biggest binge trigger. He isn't going to stay on his medication, because it's giving him strange physical side effects. He's going off of it today. He says that he has made a change himself, and it's not due to his medication. I said, "we'll see." If he goes back to his old ways, or doesn't improve, (because he still bothers me nearly every day), I will leave him, and he knows it. I just need to protect myself, and binging will surely kill me.
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