Guilty admission and small rant

jemethyst

I've been single for a few years now, I don't get out much, I'm shy, etc. Sooo, I joined a dating site awhile back. On the dating profile section for pics I made sure I posted a full body shot so guys understood I was an obese woman. Mind you I don't have many of those, 3-4 max. In addition I also state in my info that Im overweight.

With that said.... I've been talking with a really nice guy for roughly 3 -4 weeks, we've texted, chatted online, shared pics (not dirty ones). I made sure he new I was a plus sized gal, he was ok with it, always loved the pics I sent... I don't have mirrors in this house that would allow full body selfies so it was always partial body pics. A few days ago he asked for a full body pic, as he had disabled his dating profile and couldn't see mine any longer. I sent him one of me from last Christmas.

Suddenly we went from 100+ text a day to 3 total since then. Seriously, did he ignore all dating profile pics and was unaware? And now is blowing me off instead of at least saying it won't work out... Or he is no longer interested.... Not long before that pic he had asked when we could meet, we had mentioned going to a hockey game for a first date since neither of us have ever been.

Or am I just that out of the loop on "dating" those days?

starchile

Wow, this issue strikes close to home for me. Keep in mind anything I say is from MY OWN experience as a larger woman trying to date online. I'm not judging YOU or implying anything about you. I may get long winded so I apologize in advance if I do! LOL.

So, I've been single for about 4 years now and I've been giving online dating a try. I have a full length image on my profile that was taken a year ago. Granted it's a "flattering" photo...but it is real, it's me and it's clear and well lit and it was taken by a friend on a trip to Vegas. At one point I was talking to this guy and we really hit it off. We exchanged numbers and similar to your situation began to text each other. He asked me for more pictures and I sent him head shots. He asked for more full body pictures and I sent him a shot from a 5K that I had just completed... BOOM...didn't hear from him again. Went to his profile online and I WAS BLOCKED! I was hurt, embarrassed and ashamed. What had I done wrong???? On my profile it says that I'm a "BBW" under body type, I had posted full length images AND even in my profile I mention that I am a large woman. HOW IN THE WORLD was this a surprise to him???

So, I did a lot of soul searching around this (bc I really WAS traumatized) and thought hard about the situation. 1. The original picture that I posted did not accurately represent how I CURRENTLY looked. YES, it was me but because of the pose and the clothing I DID look smaller than if you were to see me today. THAT IS WHY I CHOSE THE PIC IN THE FIRST PLACE. I really LIKED the pic of me because it was the most flattering pic. I mean seriously, I'm not going to put a pic where I look at it and go "Ugh! I LOok so FAT in this pic!" ...lol. 2. MEN DO NOT PAY ATTENTION to the words on a profile! We can say we are "BBW" or write that we are large but men are visual creatures and I honestly think none of those words sink in at all...all they know is what they saw in the picture. I read an article recently about this blogger that created a dating profile on some site and used her friend 's pic who was a model and then described herself in the text. She wrote that she was just looking for a guy who had lots of money and that she was good at "convincing guys she was pregnant"...and just all this horrible stuff...she got over 100 responses in 24hrs!

Anyway, so I don't know the answer to this bc it's something I still struggle with! It's SO HARD for us to see ourselves through other people's eyes. I am thinking that I may just have a friend take a picture of me and let THEM choose the one that looks like me. I don't know. LOL.

I'm sorry that happened to you though. I don't wish that feeling on anyone.

jemethyst

Lol, I did the opposite! The picture I used for the dating profile was not very flattering, in my opinion, I had been walking around Yellowstone all day, was sweaty, hair pulled back, rolls and all showing. The pic I sent via text was way more flattering and more recent. I purposefully posted the most unflattering full body pic I had on my profile to make sure they understood in the case of the ones that only look at pics.

Thanks for sharing your side. I don't wish this on anyone, but at the same time I'm glad t have someone understand. My best friend has always been smaller and doesn't fully get it; she was so mad when I told her what happened and went off..... All I could say was..." Welcome to the story of my adult life. But I will not become the single, crazy old fat lady with 20 cats though....I'll b the hot, healthy, woman with a canine hiking partner and a set of funky flannel Jammie's for each night of the week!"

Ps: got a new pair of pink flannel Jammie's tonight with the most awesome coffee themed printed designs! . .. Also... Nothing wrong with those that choose the cats over the dogs!

jemethyst

I'd also like to add.... Though it would be nice to have a partner in life I've come to accept the fact that it's possible I'll remain single. I've be married before and learned from my mistakes. I'm way more self accepting of the single life than I am of the unhealthy obese life. I'll choose healthy, fit, and single first every time if given the choice.

150_MFP

I am about 95% certain I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. The other 5% is more hope than anything else, lol. And it's not even just my size that is the problem, because I know men are attracted to bigger women. I just don't think I'm attractive enough to find someone.

A while back, I started talking to someone online. It was through Facebook and there was never any romantic intention there at first. But, because of how much I dislike the way I look, I was never honest about the way I looked. I figured, it didn't matter because he had a girlfriend and I wasn't looking and it was a friendship thing. To cut a long story short, I eventually fell for him in a big way and he said he felt the same, he said he would want to be with me no matter what I looked like. So I was honest. And now we don't talk anymore. It's a pretty awful feeling to know that "no matter what" has an exception, and that exception is the way you look.

On the other hand, I've also been told I'm not big enough for some guys tastes, so I can't win either way, lol.

Dating sites are full of idiots. I wouldn't feel too bad about it. The guy probably had a major personality flaw that could never be dieted or exercised away.

jemethyst

The guy probably had a major personality flaw that could never be dieted or exercised away.

I like that!

I know there are guys out there that like big girls, I've had a couple self proclaimed chubby chasers hit on me. My issue with that is I don't want to be liked/loved because of my size. I want to be loved for who I am as a person.

weightywarrior

I know there are guys out there that like big girls, I've had a couple self proclaimed chubby chasers hit on me. My issue with that is I don't want to be liked/loved because of my size. I want to be loved for who I am as a person.

^^^^^
This

bsquibbles

First, I'm sorry you went through this. I know exactly how you're feeling.

I thought I'd be single forever. I had no interest in chubby chasers because I didn't want to be fetishized. I met my husband online by 'accident'...not through a dating site. We became friends, then started flirting, and eventually a day couldn't pass without us talking. But it took me over a YEAR before I showed him photos of myself. I know that if I had shown him photos that first day, he likely would have stopped talking to me, which doesn't mean I think my husband is shallow...he's just a normal guy.

I think the BEST possible gift you can give yourself though is the confidence to be single. I know far too many fellow big girls who settle for anyone who will have them and wind up in truly horrible relationships. I suffered from very low self-esteem for years, but never so low that I allowed anyone else to mistreat me, and I thank my lucky stars for that.

jemethyst

Thanks for sharing! I used to be one of those girls that accepted any man that would accept me, it always ended badly. It actually hasn't been until this past year that I've been more accepting of myself, and of being single. I do joke about not being the 'stereotypical old cat lady', but I have come to a point in life where I am ok being single if that's what is meant to be. I can't go hiking with a bunch of cats, so I choose the big dog instead since I plan to be active and enjoy life the best I can....alone or not. This doesn't mean I've stopped semi looking though, my bestie just says I'm extremely picky now. But it does still hurt when something like that happens.

wendyrvp

I have done lots of online dating in the last year. Its funny because I always state several times and several ways I am overweight. I also post full body pics. And I always have that discussion before meeting in person. But I have still have several guys react very strongly to me when we meet. I think so many women say they are FAT when they are mildy overweight that some guys don't know what to really think.

But I have also met some really great guys that really didn't care what my body type was. And I have met a few wacky guys who only date big women. I have met enough good that I will keep trying. Im actually dating a guy now I met online.

It may have had nothing to do with your appearance. There are some WACKY people online and many are seeing lots of women. He might have been talking to someone else that started getting serious. I have had that happen too.

I say don't give up, but don't be too naïve either. There are some really good people out there looking too. You might find one.