Binge planning taking over my life

ByDarwinsBeard

I posted this a few weeks ago in another section, but I haven't gotten any replies and I realized it is probably a better fit for this group.

So, I've been dieting for a year and three months (and successfully losing some weight), but ~two months ago I started binging on peanut butter and fiber one bars. I think I have binged a total of 5 times. I even purged once thinking that it would shock/repulse me enough to stop binging, but it was a surprisingly easy and calm experience. It's been 2 weeks (now 4 weeks!) since I last binged. I have since thrown away all of the peanut butter in my apartment and I refuse to buy more.

However, I can't stop thinking about it and I'm making plans to binge on it when I'm home visiting family (where I know there will be some in the house). I feel very out of control when I'm binging and disappointed in myself afterwards, but at the same time I really enjoy the taste of peanut butter.

Normally, I have 1 Fiber One bar, 1 banana, and a k-cup latte for breakfast and feel satisfied until lunch. Last time I was home, I nearly finished an entire jumbo size jar of Jif in a single morning. I managed to coat 3 bananas, an apple, a sleeve of ritz crackers, a couple of girl scout cookies, two slices of bread, some pecans, and three fiber one bars with peanut butter for one breakfast. I also was eating plain peanut butter off of a spoon during that time. My stomach felt mildly upset afterwards, but I had a small lunch and a huge dinner later that night with no problem (other than the shame and disappointment that I felt).

Now that I have stopped buying peanut butter for myself, I keep obsessing over when I will get to have it next. I keep thinking of eating out for special occasions where I can "reward" myself with peanut butter or making plans to binge when I'm home again. It's to the point where I will waste a half-hour on google image search or tumblr or restaurant websites just staring at pictures of food with peanut butter and plan binges.

The weirdest part of all this is that I don't know where this obsession with peanut butter came from. I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich a few times a week over most of 2012 and early 2013, but I never put peanut butter on fruit or cookies, and I definitely never felt the need to eat it directly from the jar on a spoon. Three jars of nut butter (1 pb, 1 reduced fat pb, and 1 almond butter) sat in my cupboard for months in my apartment before this started happening.

I'm afraid my desire for peanut butter is going to override my willpower shortly. I'm afraid I will create a "good reason" that I should buy peanut butter at the store and end up binging away all of the work I've done.

I now have a concrete binge plan for when I go home. I am going to get a tub of jif whips and eat it in my car in the school parking lot by my house. I can throw away the container before I go home. I hate that I have this plan worked out.

How do you deal with your problem foods that make you want to binge? How can I stop wasting my time planning binges? How can I stop overeating when I'm home?

melmckay99

Wow.... this may sound like a bit of a weird way of starting this reply, but thanks for sharing all that you are going through.

I can relate to every word. I think I polished off 3-4 jars of almond butter in 1 week not that long ago. Mind you almond butter comes in smaller jars then peanut butter, but I have finished containers of PB in 3-4 days as well. I don't know what it is about nut butter but I can never have enough. I have gone into a groery store saying to myself "I will not buy any PB/almond butter today " cause I know what happens when I do, then I passed by the section, saw that almod butter was one sale and walked out with 2 jars. It's like ANY excuse is a good one to get some even though I know it's gonna end badly.

I'm sorry I don't have any solid advice for you. I dieted for about a year, and was quite successful, but then came the binging/purging which has been ongoing for about a year now as well. It's good that you are aware of this early on. Right now I am just finding the emotional aspect of binging to be the hardest to deal with..the guilt, the shame, the hiding, the need to feel normal, to fit in, the inner conflict of just wanting to be thin and healthy vs stuffing my face with PB, cake and ice cream.... (p.s. I purge by fasting, over exercising or taking laxatives ...I can't make myself throw up, but god knows I've tried!).

In any case, it's good that you are aware that something is going on and that whatever it is, it just isn't right. Take some time to really think about why you are doing this. Are you stressed? Angry? Sad?..Envious? and why do you feel this way? and why do you think that food (PB) will make you feel better? Again, I don't have any real answers here and I am mostly just full of questions myself and trying to find the answers is at least distracting me from thinking about food.

kge0891

I completely understand what you are feeling. Once you get into the binge-eating (and planning) cycle it is hard to break. I used to go out to CVS and buy packages of cookies and pints of ben and jerry's and finish them all in a sitting and feel absolutely disgusted afterwards.

My question for you is, when you are "successfully dieting" - how many calories are you taking in overall (not net)? When I started out, I was netting 1200 calories a day, and if I didn't work out that day, 1200 was all I was getting. I lost weight quickly and was so happy! Then the awful binges started, and if you can't guess I gained it all back.

I'm at my lightest weight now that I can remember since reaching my max height (still a bit a way from goal weight), but I have a much better and healthier approach to dieting. I am now wary of fast weight loss (the faster I lose, the more likely I'm restricting too much and thus will lead me to bingeing down the road). I now eat between 1800-2000 a day (and a usually exercise 25 minutes a day). With the adequate amount of food, I don't feel the need to binge. The beginning weeks were the hardest, it took my body time to adjust to the increased food intake, and it especially took a while for the binge cravings to nearly cease (of course I get them time to time, but who doesn't?). Those first couple weeks after are crucial (for example, one day I started bingeing on Kit-Kats and had made up in my mind I would just eat the entire box, then I stopped, took a deep breath, and walked away - if I hadn't made that one choice that day, I don't think I would be 55+ days binge free - a personal record for me!). Try increasing your intake, slowly. Also, you can include safe treats in your diet (don't start trying to incorporate binge trigger foods or else you'll probably derail). But this is something to try, it has worked for me.

Good luck, stay strong, you can do it!!

WillLift4Tats

KGE has some excellent points. Make sure your deficit is not too large, that was definitely my original problem that lead to bingeing in the first place. She has made incredible progress and knows what she's talking about

"How do you deal with your problem foods that make you want to binge?" -- At first, I simply don't allow them in the house. I know that's not always simple because like you, I've gone out of my way to plan and execute a binge. Maybe take it one step further. Plan out your binge. Know what you want and how much. Then, log it. Put it all on here, step back, and think about how you'll feel AFTER you actually binge. How will you feel physically, emotionally?

"How can I stop wasting my time planning binges?" -- Honestly, it will just take time. In the last week, I've mentally planned a binge. But unlike the past, I didn't actually follow through. Hopefully, at some point, I will stop planning altogether. This is a long-term recovery and you just have to take it one step at a time. Don't rush it and try not to think about it ever. That is a sure-fire way of causing you to obsess.

"How can I stop overeating when I'm home?" -- There will be multiple ways of dealing with this and you'll have to experiment to find what works for you. Again, keep triggers out of the house in the first steps of your recovery. Second, try to log what you plan to eat before you indulge. Third, have a list of fun things to do to keep you busy instead of bingeing. Maybe you're behind on laundry, maybe the dog could use a nice walk, maybe you could use a bubble bath and a pedicure. Rewarding yourself with a trigger food is SO tempting, but rarely positive.

At the end of the day, my biggest piece of advice is to forgive yourself. Because you will make mistakes, you will slip up, you will have to start again. And that my dear, is OKAY. The point is not to be perfect. The point is to make progress, even baby steps at a time. Hang in there.

ByDarwinsBeard

Thanks for the support and sharing It's really helpful and calming to hear your stories.

In any case, it's good that you are aware that something is going on and that whatever it is, it just isn't right. Take some time to really think about why you are doing this. Are you stressed? Angry? Sad?..Envious? and why do you feel this way? and why do you think that food (PB) will make you feel better? Again, I don't have any real answers here and I am mostly just full of questions myself and trying to find the answers is at least distracting me from thinking about food.

Those are really good questions that I need to write about the next time I start planning a binge. Emotionally I'm kind of a mess, so it's going to take some time to work through a variety of things. I think I ended up mega-binging because I didn't let myself have cake with my family on my birthday (a really stupid idea now that I think about it).

My question for you is, when you are "successfully dieting" - how many calories are you taking in overall (not net)?

When the binging started I wasn't even counting calories. I was just "eating healthy". I even regularly ate "normal" meals from restaurants on the weekend, but I tried to keep my meals to veggies, fruits, and baked chicken during the week. I felt satisfied enough (usually) and didn't obsess over any food (at least not like now). My first few binges were mindless and unplanned. The mega-binge was semi-planned (I knew there would be peanut butter at home and I knew that I could wake up early so that no one would see me eating it), but I had no idea I was going to end up eating as much as I did.

It's since I started calorie counting on a strict diet after my mega-binge at the beginning of this month that I've felt that I'm missing out and living meal to meal. I exercise 4 or so days a week and don't eat my calories back. I come in right around 1200 by eating very healthy, but I rarely get that "satisfied/full" feeling anymore. If I were to execute one of my binge plans now, it would probably come at least partially from a place of hunger, unlike before. I need to realize that this quick weight loss that I've been experiencing is not going to last at this rate. It's just hard to face that when I feel like I'm making the best progress I have in a long time

Plan out your binge. Know what you want and how much. Then, log it. Put it all on here, step back, and think about how you'll feel AFTER you actually binge. How will you feel physically, emotionally?

This is a good idea. I need to stop focusing on the positive aspects of binging and remember how I felt afterward.