F-ed up bigtime.
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WanderingPomme
Posts: 601 Member
My weightloss journey started November 2012 (I was 180lbs, 5'3") and went down to 115lbs and started maintaining. I've lost about 4 lbs more after that (comparing to this morning's weight.) I've gone on vacation for a month and a half last year, was mindful with what I ate, indulged a few times got back and gained about 2-3lbs. Lost it with no workout went down to 108 at the start of Jan 2014, even went down as low as 105!
In my vacation, I only had 2 days of uncontrollable binging on bread and sweets. It was crazy, it was a first. It scared me how much I could down in so little time. I was over 1,000 calories! Then it happened a month after (in December 2013), I went crazy on bread and sweets again. I was over 1,800 calories! I never binged before that. It was all new to me. The craving, the insatiable hunger. It was scary. I never saw that side of me.
Then comes January. It was a pretty good month. I was stable, I ate normally. I ate maintenance. 1,590 calories. Which to me now, since I went back down to a deficit (1,290 cals), seems to be a luxury. No binges. My weight plunged down to 105-106lbs, waaaaaay low. People were telling me I was too skinny. I didn't really feel good. People thought I didn't eat, but I DID eat! I ate a lot! But I think THAT triggered my binging. February-March, awful months. I would have a binge weekly, maybe twice a week. But what scares me is those days weren't 1,000 calories over anymore, they were 3000-4000 calorie binges OVER maintenance.
I would walk around my neighborhood and stop at bakeries and shops late at night and buy a loaf of bread AND 2 or three pastries and eat them even though I've already had breakfast, lunch and dinner. I just couldn't be satiated. Also what bothered me was that, I hid my food. I hid when I ate, what I ate so no one saw. Once I went around a mall eating 2 loaves of bread which was hidden in my purse, which I picked at while walking. This went on for weeks and I went back to 115lbs. in the end of Feb and I've been trying to lose weight since and I've been doing a good job since March and I've gone back down to 112-111lbs but last Thursday, I had a bad binge again. I was so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well! Again, I hid in my bathroom with my goodies and ate them there. It was like I was challenging myself to eat. Then I ate some more when family came over because I didn't want them to think I didn't eat. Then I ate more than I should've and I excused myself from my family and went to my bathroom where I forced myself to puke, not because I wanted to but because I really felt too uncomfortable like there was no more space in my stomach, which was probably the case. I couldn't move, I was on my bedroom floor while my family was in the living room, talking and laughing while I blasted my speakers and ipod in my room so they couldn't hear me puke or try to (AND BOY, IT WAS HARD TO! I never puked before unless it was coz of alcohol. I actually contemplated on getting drunk so I could puke LOL). But seriously, this was an all time low. ALL TIME LOW.
I told myself I wouldn't let that happen again. I researched and researched and people told fellow binge eaters, to move on, to remember that bad feeling and never let it happen again. It felt better. I felt better. I ate normally again, even went out with family and friends! Even went out drinking too (which I never did since mid Feb when I started on the 1,290 cals).
BUT THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN TODAY. We had family stay over today, since last night actually. Usually, there would be no breakfast on the table but today was a feast. I USUALLY don't eat breakfast, can't stomach food in the morning which is perfect since I'm trying to do IF but it was there, sweet ham, bacon, eggs, toast, fried rice. I ate breakfast. It felt normal. I believe I ate a fairly portion controlled breakfast. (I always prepare my food at home so I could weigh, measure and count calories. Quite obsessive, I know but when we have people over, I can't do that so I eyeball it, which I loathe. Oh the uncertainty.
I had a healthy lunch and dinner prelogged today! Very low carb today, I was quite excited to make it but then I was left with my nephews. Kids. They ate, and then I ate. They ate some more, so did I. I walked to the store to get them treats they asked for and saw this chinese pastry thing I used to eat which I have given up since Lent (sacrifice). I bought two different kinds but for my family then went home but the whole time I couldn't keep it out of my mind. I wanted to taste it. I went back to the store and bought two again then went back home. I knew I could've tasted the ones I bought for my family but then they'd find out I had eaten it, which I shouldn't have because of my "sacrifice" so I bought my own. Problem is, each box contained 4 pieces, I had two boxes of different flavors. I could've just stopped at one piece for each flavor since I just wanted to taste but no, I downed both boxes, all 8 pieces. Damage was 900ish calories for 2 boxes. I ate in my room, hid the evidence (wrappers). I thought I was good. I was already 1,000 over calories then, it was only 1pm.
I didn't stop there. The kids asked for dessert, so I made something which I ended up tasting and well shared it with them too. Then I found some more bread which I ate with jam. I said I'd only have one slice. Then I had another slice and then before I knew it, I had 10-12 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 5 crackers. It was awful. I just ate and ate and ate. Then I thought I was done. I was 2,000 calories over. It was 3pm.
Family came back for dinner, they had pizza, carbonara and garlic bread which I ate too. 3, slices of pizza, a cup of carbonara and a piece of garlic bread even though I was satiated already.
And here I am. Typing in tears. Admitting I have a problem. I was 112 this morning (I ate a lot yesterday too LOL sodium heavy too) well tomorrow I will probably be 115-116. This is my panic weight, blame it on sodium or water, it's still my panic weight.
I need help. Yes, TOM is in less than a week but I can't blame it on that but I did notice I get ravenous once a week, 2 weeks before my period. It's an odd thing but I can't do that. I CANNOT let that happen anymore. It's like I'm setting myself up for failure, self sabotage.
So there. That is where my story ends and where my fresh start begins (hopefully).
I am a binge eater and I need help and support.
In my vacation, I only had 2 days of uncontrollable binging on bread and sweets. It was crazy, it was a first. It scared me how much I could down in so little time. I was over 1,000 calories! Then it happened a month after (in December 2013), I went crazy on bread and sweets again. I was over 1,800 calories! I never binged before that. It was all new to me. The craving, the insatiable hunger. It was scary. I never saw that side of me.
Then comes January. It was a pretty good month. I was stable, I ate normally. I ate maintenance. 1,590 calories. Which to me now, since I went back down to a deficit (1,290 cals), seems to be a luxury. No binges. My weight plunged down to 105-106lbs, waaaaaay low. People were telling me I was too skinny. I didn't really feel good. People thought I didn't eat, but I DID eat! I ate a lot! But I think THAT triggered my binging. February-March, awful months. I would have a binge weekly, maybe twice a week. But what scares me is those days weren't 1,000 calories over anymore, they were 3000-4000 calorie binges OVER maintenance.
I would walk around my neighborhood and stop at bakeries and shops late at night and buy a loaf of bread AND 2 or three pastries and eat them even though I've already had breakfast, lunch and dinner. I just couldn't be satiated. Also what bothered me was that, I hid my food. I hid when I ate, what I ate so no one saw. Once I went around a mall eating 2 loaves of bread which was hidden in my purse, which I picked at while walking. This went on for weeks and I went back to 115lbs. in the end of Feb and I've been trying to lose weight since and I've been doing a good job since March and I've gone back down to 112-111lbs but last Thursday, I had a bad binge again. I was so disappointed in myself. I was doing so well! Again, I hid in my bathroom with my goodies and ate them there. It was like I was challenging myself to eat. Then I ate some more when family came over because I didn't want them to think I didn't eat. Then I ate more than I should've and I excused myself from my family and went to my bathroom where I forced myself to puke, not because I wanted to but because I really felt too uncomfortable like there was no more space in my stomach, which was probably the case. I couldn't move, I was on my bedroom floor while my family was in the living room, talking and laughing while I blasted my speakers and ipod in my room so they couldn't hear me puke or try to (AND BOY, IT WAS HARD TO! I never puked before unless it was coz of alcohol. I actually contemplated on getting drunk so I could puke LOL). But seriously, this was an all time low. ALL TIME LOW.
I told myself I wouldn't let that happen again. I researched and researched and people told fellow binge eaters, to move on, to remember that bad feeling and never let it happen again. It felt better. I felt better. I ate normally again, even went out with family and friends! Even went out drinking too (which I never did since mid Feb when I started on the 1,290 cals).
BUT THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN TODAY. We had family stay over today, since last night actually. Usually, there would be no breakfast on the table but today was a feast. I USUALLY don't eat breakfast, can't stomach food in the morning which is perfect since I'm trying to do IF but it was there, sweet ham, bacon, eggs, toast, fried rice. I ate breakfast. It felt normal. I believe I ate a fairly portion controlled breakfast. (I always prepare my food at home so I could weigh, measure and count calories. Quite obsessive, I know but when we have people over, I can't do that so I eyeball it, which I loathe. Oh the uncertainty.
I had a healthy lunch and dinner prelogged today! Very low carb today, I was quite excited to make it but then I was left with my nephews. Kids. They ate, and then I ate. They ate some more, so did I. I walked to the store to get them treats they asked for and saw this chinese pastry thing I used to eat which I have given up since Lent (sacrifice). I bought two different kinds but for my family then went home but the whole time I couldn't keep it out of my mind. I wanted to taste it. I went back to the store and bought two again then went back home. I knew I could've tasted the ones I bought for my family but then they'd find out I had eaten it, which I shouldn't have because of my "sacrifice" so I bought my own. Problem is, each box contained 4 pieces, I had two boxes of different flavors. I could've just stopped at one piece for each flavor since I just wanted to taste but no, I downed both boxes, all 8 pieces. Damage was 900ish calories for 2 boxes. I ate in my room, hid the evidence (wrappers). I thought I was good. I was already 1,000 over calories then, it was only 1pm.
I didn't stop there. The kids asked for dessert, so I made something which I ended up tasting and well shared it with them too. Then I found some more bread which I ate with jam. I said I'd only have one slice. Then I had another slice and then before I knew it, I had 10-12 slices of bread, 2 tortillas, 5 crackers. It was awful. I just ate and ate and ate. Then I thought I was done. I was 2,000 calories over. It was 3pm.
Family came back for dinner, they had pizza, carbonara and garlic bread which I ate too. 3, slices of pizza, a cup of carbonara and a piece of garlic bread even though I was satiated already.
And here I am. Typing in tears. Admitting I have a problem. I was 112 this morning (I ate a lot yesterday too LOL sodium heavy too) well tomorrow I will probably be 115-116. This is my panic weight, blame it on sodium or water, it's still my panic weight.
I need help. Yes, TOM is in less than a week but I can't blame it on that but I did notice I get ravenous once a week, 2 weeks before my period. It's an odd thing but I can't do that. I CANNOT let that happen anymore. It's like I'm setting myself up for failure, self sabotage.
So there. That is where my story ends and where my fresh start begins (hopefully).
I am a binge eater and I need help and support.
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Replies
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First of all, breathe. Just take a minute, calm yourself, and know that this won't always be how you feel.
Second, I would say, think about WHY you're binging. Are you stressed, lonely, sad? It helps to find out the cause of your binging so you can find the appropriate ways to handle it.
On that note, maybe you need to re-evaluate your calorie goal? Maybe you just need to take a break from trying to diet down and just eat at maintenance right now. I wouldn't try to cut out carbs, because it sounds like that's your biggest binge trigger and the more we think "I can't have this", the more we ultimately want it.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, we all slip up and have to start over. Learn to forgive yourself and know that it is an ongoing process to recovery. As much as we want to just stop and say, THAT was my last binge, << this is the all-or-nothing attitude that leads to guilt once we slip up. You are not perfect, and that's OK!
Good luck
Feel free to friend me if you'd like. 0 -
Thank you so much for that response!!! I am adding you right now! 0
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First of all, breathe. Just take a minute, calm yourself, and know that this won't always be how you feel.
Second, I would say, think about WHY you're binging. Are you stressed, lonely, sad? It helps to find out the cause of your binging so you can find the appropriate ways to handle it.
On that note, maybe you need to re-evaluate your calorie goal? Maybe you just need to take a break from trying to diet down and just eat at maintenance right now. I wouldn't try to cut out carbs, because it sounds like that's your biggest binge trigger and the more we think "I can't have this", the more we ultimately want it.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, we all slip up and have to start over. Learn to forgive yourself and know that it is an ongoing process to recovery. As much as we want to just stop and say, THAT was my last binge, << this is the all-or-nothing attitude that leads to guilt once we slip up. You are not perfect, and that's OK!
Good luck Feel free to friend me if you'd like.
This--all of it!0 -
First of all, breathe. Just take a minute, calm yourself, and know that this won't always be how you feel.
Second, I would say, think about WHY you're binging. Are you stressed, lonely, sad? It helps to find out the cause of your binging so you can find the appropriate ways to handle it.
On that note, maybe you need to re-evaluate your calorie goal? Maybe you just need to take a break from trying to diet down and just eat at maintenance right now. I wouldn't try to cut out carbs, because it sounds like that's your biggest binge trigger and the more we think "I can't have this", the more we ultimately want it.
And lastly, be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, we all slip up and have to start over. Learn to forgive yourself and know that it is an ongoing process to recovery. As much as we want to just stop and say, THAT was my last binge, << this is the all-or-nothing attitude that leads to guilt once we slip up. You are not perfect, and that's OK!
Good luck Feel free to friend me if you'd like.
/\ This
The best words that someone could say to you right now.
When I read your post, I felt like it was me a few years ago (when my binges were at their worst). The reason: to much control! I was a freak control! You are being a freak control Don't take me wrong please. But the thing is, you are being to obcessed with your weight, with your food, with your deficit... Just calm yourself. As the post above says: Breathe!!
Binge eating is a hard thing to control. So don't be desperated. Go easy on yourself 0
