Keeping on track when bad things happen?

lilybriscoe

I always had a bad relationship with food, but I never binged until my partner lost his job and became depressed and suicidal. Despite Herculean efforts on his part to find a job, he has been unemployed for over a year and has been talking about killing himself for over a year too. We've tried literally everything that the doctors tell you to do and nothing is changing how he feels.

What's difficult for me is when he talks in explicit detail about wanting to kill himself and how much his life is hopeless. I try to comfort him but there really is no comforting him. At least once a day we have these conversations and I have to face the prospect of losing him. My first instinct is to eat and eat everything I can possibly find. I feel an intense feeling of helplessness, sadness and certainty that there is nothing I can do to stop him from eventually killing himself unless he miraculously gets a job - something I have no control over.

I've tried other things to calm myself down after these conversations like taking a bath, reading privately, going for a walk but the temporary relief of food is just too seductive sometimes. When I'm upset after these conversations I stop caring about how I will feel after a binge, how I am trying to lose weight at the moment, or anything at all. Sometimes I eat too much with the express purpose of causing myself pain because the pain of potentially losing my partner is too strong and I want to distract myself with other pain.

What has worked for you to keep yourself from bingeing when you're facing devastating personal situations? Thanks for your help and suggestions.

sherambler

I suffer with depression and have felt very similar to your husband. I do not envy you and I know I that in my darkest moments I put my boyfriend in similar heartwrenching positions as you now find yourself. It's definitely hard to control bingeing when you feel helpless. I used food as a way to punish myself as well, and it worked. I hated myself. I thought I deserved every horrible thing I put my body through.

I'm not sure what advice I can give other than it sounds like your husband seems to define himself solely by his job. I used to be the same way. I've never lost a job, but I never thought the job I had was good enough, glamorous enough, or paid enough, which in turn made me feel like a total loser. You can't force someone out of a depression, but you can continue to support him, continue to have honest communication with him by telling him how it makes you feel when he talks about suicide, and continue to seek the help of professionals.

If you think he is really serious about killing himself, then you could call the police and have him put in the hospital for 72 hour observation. Drastic, but could save his life. And on the off chance that he doesn't really mean it when he says he wants to kill himself, perhaps it will show him how seriously you take him and how worried you are.

Also, if his job sort of defined him, maybe it's time that he try finding other things to define him...hobbies, skills, and personal strengths. I'm not sure what your husband does, but perhaps there is some adult ed course he could take to give him a leg up in the interview process or just to keep him busy and feel like he has something to do. Who knows, maybe he'll find an interest in a different career path or find a job through networking. It happens all the time.

In the end, it's not fair for you to feel like you have to worry about your complete wellbeing and his. This will only cause you get depressed, which won't help either of you. I just try to remember that the food only momentarily distracts from or masks the emotional pain. Once that bag of chips is gone, all those feelings will come back. The pain of overeating doesn't solve anything, it just makes the problems worse. If it were me, I'd try to keep my hands busy by doing things that help the situation, or at least make me feel like I'm helping the situation (a killing 2 birds with 1 stone mentality). Like reading books or articles about improving resumes and cover letters, going through want ads. If you're going to worry (and you will because you're his wife) you should at least try to make it productive worrying.

Good luck! I wish you the best.

lilybriscoe

Thanks so much for your comments! I'm sorry that you're going through a depression. I'm actually quite knowledgeable about all the protocols around dealing with people who are suicidal and I've spent and continue to spend a lot of my time and energy trying to support my partner and help him peace in himself or find work or a new career, or a business that he can start (I used to help people write resumes and coached people on how to make a good impression in job interviews for a living). I'm at the point where there is nothing that I could be doing that I'm not doing already to help him. I also try to keep myself healthy by exercising and spending time with friends and doing things for me.

My problem is just the knowledge that something is so incredibly out of your control and the increasing feeling of certainty that things are not going to end well. I have forced him to go to the hospital before when he's been bad and the truth is... they can't do much. They will only take him in my province if he is imminently threatening to kill himself (in a few weeks is not sufficient - it has to be an imminent plan) and they will let him go once he 'says' he no longer imminently suicidal. He knows this and is an incredibly intelligent man. The moment he decides definitively to kill himself - he will be dead.

We like to kid ourselves sometimes that we can help people or keep them from suicide but the truth is that you can only help people who are on the fence or impulsively considering it. My partner is still on the fence and every day I spend trying to keep him there but every day he gets closer to deciding to do it. They won't forcibly commit someone who is just considering it and he knows not to tell me when he's certain. He did voluntarily go into the programs that they offer here for suicidal people and I could not believe how incompetent and unhelpful they were. It boggles my mind. They actually made things worse for him.

My lesson through this is that I can't change things that I don't like sometimes, no matter how hard I try and that some of the basic tenants of my own happiness (i.e. not having my partner kill himself) are beyond my control. That's a powerlessness unlike any other I've ever felt before in my life and it's not something that's easy to walk with every day. But I can't keep bingeing on food in the face of it. I get by. I love my job and escape while I'm at work but every night and on the weekends I return and its been getting worse.

How do people who have lost loved ones or are dealing with grief deal with their BED in the face of that horrible loss? I will try to distract myself and remember that it's a momentary relief in that bag of chips. Thank you for your thoughts and words.