introduction and question - surgery without support

efwolfcub

Hi - I'm Eric, 38 year old RN with a current BMI of 43 (give or take). I've had two previous false starts with having surgery (Vertical Sleeve) , the first was about 5 years ago and the most recent was about 18 months ago.

First time - I had pretty crappy insurance, so it would have been cost prohibitive in all honesty. Was also before the gastric sleeve had wide approval,

This most recent time, and finally this time, is what leads me to my question - How much success have people had without support? I live in a house with a few friends of mine and my partner. 18 months ago he begged me to put it off for a year, said he didn't agree with the surgery, said he would help me lose the weight, etc. Well, I put it off for a year, have continued to make efforts to lose weight without much success and, more frustrating, without any support from my partner or from my household.

My family isn't thrilled with me having surgery, to say the least. They are at least understanding and supportive though. I have friends online who are supportive, and local friends who are but, to be honest, they're generally in the minority - by and large, for the most part I feel like I'm doing this alone. That's a little terrifying and more than a little frustrating.

So I'm wondering - how likely am I to be successful with the surgery, given those circumstances?
I'm an RN - I have the medical knowledge.
I am damn good in the kitchen, so I think I can come up with food that will get me through the first post-op weeks where there aren't a lot of options.

My biggest concern right now is the lack of emotional and social support making it a deal breaker. I've heard "just eat less" too damn many times, and I'm fairly certain that the surgery is going to cost me at least one or two friendships.

Any input would be appreciated. Right now I'm on track to have surgery in late January of next year.

grim_traveller

I don't think lack of support is a problem. I didn't have any help in that regard. If there is food in the house, it's because I brought it here. There's no one else to cook for, so I only need to focus on what I'm doing. I think it is much easier than having to deal with others.

The problem you may have is not lack of support, but outright sabotage. It sounds like several other people will be bringing in and cooking food that may tempt you. They may actively try to get you to eat food you otherwise wouldn't. A lot of postops have that issue, and it makes it much harder.

Don't worry too much about the lack of support. In the end, we all have to do this on our own. But be careful about the sabotage.

1ZenGirl

Is there a local support group where you live? I will be getting sleeved some time this year. I have some support but not a ton. I recognize that as people we have limitations so my opportunity is to meet people like in this group that have had the surgery and can be supportive and also join my local support group.

I hear a lot of things like "it's so risky" or "you don't need it" and frankly nobody walks my life but me. I think it is all well intended discussion but for once in my life I am putting myself first and it looks like you are too.

Good luck!

ATXHeather

I don't have very much support either, but that's because I'm not really telling anyone. My ex-partner knows because she will need to help with the kids and help me after surgery. And my kids know. That's it. There are local friends I could tell who I know would be supportive but I really want this to be MINE, if that makes sense.

I think you can do it on your own, as long as you have someone to bring you to surgery, help for the first week, etc.

garber6th

In addition to the responses above, one thing I would like to add is that is seems like people who don't show support or approval of having surgery generally don't understand the whole process and procedure, and most haven't had to deal with being morbidly obese. I didn't have anyone in my life who was outwardly against me having the surgery but I think there were definitely some skeptics. I think when a lot of people saw how I was doing after surgery, they changed their attitudes about it. They saw that I was healthier and happier and had my quality of life back. If you end up losing a friendship or two along the way, they probably really weren't great friendships anyway. All of that said, in the end, whether we have support or not, we do this for ourselves and really we have to do it by ourselves. Support is great but having this surgery is about us taking control of our lives and our health. I totally think you can do it!!

efwolfcub

Thank you for the suggestions and insights. To be honest - I think sabotage is going to be a big risk for me. I currently do 90% of the grocery shopping and cooking for the house and, more than once, I've heard the complaint of "well, what are we going to eat?" - I've never more wanted to slap someone in my life. For my friends I've noticed a pattern - the thinner and less medical knowledge they have, the more likely they are to be against the surgery. My sister, who's currently working on getting her PA, is holding out a bit longer, but to be honest - she's struggled a lot more with her weight than I have, and seeing what she's been through makes me *more* inclined to have the surgery.

As for support groups - working 12 hour nights makes that difficult, but not impossible. Working on it, just haven't been to one yet (it's required for my pre-op clearance, however).

meyou4042

Honestly, and I mean no offense at all, but it doesn't sound like you have very good friends if they are being like that to you!! Friends, true friends, and the people that love us unconditionally, will help us, support us, and love us, even if they do not agree or understand our choices.

KCSF

I made the choice not to tell anyone but my sister (and of course the people on this website) that I was going to have WLS (weight loss surgery.) I am 3 months post-op and no one still knows. My family (including my spouse) and friends are not understanding of people who have WLS. They think if God wanted me to weigh less I would or I am fine the way I am or I should eat less/work out more. I chose to take this journey on my own. The pre-op diet and first couple of weeks post op were hard but, you can do it. It is mind over matter. I am a horrible cook so I eat prepackaged everything. If you can cook, you should be fine. And if you have someone that will eat the leftovers, that makes it even better since you will only be eating 1/4 to 1/2 cup of the meal.

My advice is to make this decision for yourself. Do what will make you healthy and happy.

pawoodhull

When I decided to get the sleeve I sat down with my husband and simply explained that he needed to be with me 100% on this and if he couldn't do that, I would not have the surgery because I would fail. He was an enabler and a sabotour (bringing me ice cream and flavored chips the two things I could not leave alone probably to keep me from getting on him about not eating his heart healthy diet). It wasn't an argument, just simply a discussion of why I wanted to do this and what I felt I needed from him. He told me a few days later that he would support me 100% and he has.

So I understand your concern about failing without the support in your home. Yes support groups are great, but if you are constantly being bombarded with temptation in your own home or even being outright sabotaged, it's going to make it that much harder for you to be successful. Again, not impossible, but harder. Fact is, no one can make you eat what you don't want to, but they can wear you down emotionally and that can be just as bad. For me. there are certain things we just do not have in our house anymore. I might be able to stay out of them, but since neither of us should be eating them, it's just easier all the way around to not have them around.

Sounds like it might be time for a sit down with your partner first and then the rest of your housmates. Reality is, this is your decision. If they can't support you in your effort to be healthy, then I question just how good these friendships or even the partnership is. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that, but I know if my husband hadn't gotten on board and stopped sabatoging me, I wouldn't be where I am now in my weight loss journey.

katematt313

I agree - sabotage and enabling bad behavior are the bigger barriers to success than lack of support.
You should sit down with your partner and talk about it. If he doesn't support WLS, there is a reason, and it may not be about you.

stroynaya

Thank you for the suggestions and insights. To be honest - I think sabotage is going to be a big risk for me. I currently do 90% of the grocery shopping and cooking for the house and, more than once, I've heard the complaint of "well, what are we going to eat?" - I've never more wanted to slap someone in my life.

You need to address the lack of support, if not outright sabotage by your housemates and partner. Lots of comments and suggestions on this already that I won't repeat. I do have one comment about cooking for others. The first few weeks before/after surgery are really the only time you are not eating normal foods, so if you actually like to cook for the ungrateful, slap-deserving housemates, you can continue to do so preparing your new foods, but serving them the quantities that a non-WLS person would eat. There are a few cookbooks out there for post WLS eating. The one I have, Eating Well after Weight Loss Surgery, not only includes instructions for preparing foods for differents stages of the various WLS, but how to serve to non-WLS people you might be cooking for.

Dannadl

Hmm. Well I think a lot depends on who you are as a person and how much you need support and community. I'm rather an introvert. I didn't share with anyone in my family, except my husband and SIL that I was even having RNY 2 years ago. My husband had it 2 months after I did and honestly that did make things easier in terms of meal logistics at home. My SIL had RNY 10 years ago and has regained a fair amount of weight. But since she used the same surgeon she was a great source of information and was quite candid about why and how she regained weight. Other than that I didn't share my decision with friends or family and still haven't. I'm down 180lbs from my original weight now and have an additional 30-35lbs I'd like to lose. I steered my social functions away from food for a long time post op. I recovered really quickly post op. And now I work out and run a lot and most people just assume that's probably how I lost the weight. But honestly it's none of their business.

To be fair, I also had a really easy time surgically. I felt pretty fully recovered after about a week. And other than an allergic reaction to protonics (an acid inhibitor) I've had absolutely no complications or negative side effects post op. So my need for support wasn't terribly high.

Most people's opposition to surgical weight loss options is based in ignorance or in "principles" though imposing your principles on someone else is really inappropriate.

asia1967

I agree with the other posters, and we are here. Sometimes all we need is to have someone to listen to us vent. Or to know that if we did advise someone is always around. I had a support group I went to after my surgery then moved away. I now use MFP for my support and motivation and it is working great.

Ultimately this is your decision and you have to live your life for you.

Good Luck in what ever your decision may be.

csmccord

I attribute much of my success to the fact that my wife had the RNY 6 weeks before I did. We have the same diet, the same mind frame of what we want to accomplish, and it's very easy to support each other. We both understand what the requirements are, and what dumping feels like. We both know that sometimes there are bad days.

The only other person in the house is our 3 year old, so it's very easy to control our diet. Sure, I still "cheat" however my diet is much improved from where it used to be.

So, yes, even while we have support online, that easy to connect to, I recommend finding something local to you. I would suggest sitting down and having a chat with your friends and family, and tell them why you're having the surgery. If they still won't support you, maybe try a local support group if you can find one, or maybe even overeaters anonymous. Having somebody there local that you can talk to, and understands the medical and dietary implications of the surgery is very important. I'd try contacting the group doing your surgery and see if they run a support group, or can link to one.

DerekG79

I did not have a lot of support either. It was much worse the early weeks after surgery but once I recovered and was able to eat more normal foods it was not such a big deal anymore.

ruqayyahsmum

support in the early weeks is essential really

i had been preparing for over a year before my surgery, my partner knew what was going to happen, said he supported me 100% and that he would be home to help me

in reality he repeatedly disappeared on me leaving me unable to get out of bed at times as i was in extreme pain after spending a week in hospital

i actually threw him out after 3 months because his behavior towards me and the surgery had gotten that bad

you will learn who your friends are too, i have one friend who makes constant digs at me these days but i think it comes from a place of jealousy. we were the same size, she doesnt want surgery but was sure that as i lose weight she would too. thats not happenned and she lashes out in frustration but only so much i can take before it comes to a head

so if the people you live with arnt going to support you then please find someone who will. maybe when you go to the pre surgery group see if theres anyone there who wants to buddy up

SimplySusan63

I truly believe support is important. I have a lot of friends and family, and some of them were not very supportive of the surgery. I came to realize two things:

1) there is a general misconception in our society about weight-loss surgery. People truly believe that weight-loss surgery is 'cheating'. They also hang on to the idea that the surgery is dangerous. Years ago there were many people who died or had many complications with weight-loss surgery. That thought still permeates society. Weight-loss surgery carries the same risk any surgery does. Not losing the weight carries a much higher risk.

2) People need to be educated. I asked all of my non-supportive friends why they weren't happy about me having the surgery. Most of them were concerned about my well-being. I discovered that when I educated them on the procedures, the recovery and the lifestyle changes most of them became supporters.

I had the sleeve done May 5, 2014. I have lost 47 lbs and gained the support of each of my friends and family. They see how well I'm doing and the hard work required to continue on this path. The surgery is a great tool, and like any tool it has to be used right to work properly. I still have to eat healthy and exercise. The surgery provided a tool to do well.

Look into a local support group. I know it's difficult with your work schedule but it's important to your success.

YOU'LL DO GREAT!

DJRonnieLINY

Why are you worried about support and sabotage? You are an RN so you know how to to handle the minor wound care, you do the shopping and cooking so you can make what you need and you came to the personal realization that you need to make a change. Nobody in your life needs to be educated and nobody needs to approve of your decision.

If you and your Dr believe that a VSG is medically necessary then step up and take charge of your future. If those around you actively work against you then they need to be removed from your daily life. That sounds rough but if we surround ourselves with negativity we should not be surprised at negative outcomes.

On the positive note; many friends and family get negative because they are afraid of change. They do not understand the problem, the process or the benefits. However some of the biggest naysayers become teh biggest suporters when they see the results. The key is you must step up and take charge of your problem, follow the plan, model the behaviors and celebrate the success.

Good luck.

Gingersfit

I have support from a very good friend -- she went with me to the hospital and has been emotionally supportive too. We had a talk last night and she said while she wouldn't necessarily support or encourage other friends to have the surgery, when she saw how determined and unwavering I was in my decision, she supported me 100%.

Other than her, I wouldn't say I have a lot of support. I didn't really need help with self-care after coming home. And it's not like you're preparing food or anything for yourself the first couple of weeks -- you're pouring a cup of water or milk and making a shake or drinking one from a carton. So, self-care isn't a lot.

As far as cooking for other people in the house, I think I would tell them that I can't do that any more for a while and they'll have to do for themselves. You didn't really describe the relationships in your household but are you the only one that can cook? I have cooked a couple of times for my boys (I'm a single mom with 2 living at home) and when I was on the pureed or soft food stages, I just pulled something out of the mix that I could eat (like chicken) and then made the rest of the meal for them.

One other thing -- take a look at Bariatricpal.com.. It's a GREAT forum where you'll find so much support and answers to questions and find out just what to expect. I attend a local support group but Bariatric.pal is an every day thing and SO helpful.

Best wishes -- it can be done without any support at all if you determine you will do it.