The mirror says it all

kathivg

06/1/614

I made myself stand in front of the full-length mirror this morning. Naked. How did this happen? How did I get this way? Well, it's the items I stuffed in my mouth while languishing on the couch - the things meant for 4..6..8 people that I consumed in 24 hours. It's avoiding standing naked in front of the full-length mirror.

I weighed in also...280.4 lbs. on my 5'2" frame. I'm literally twice the size I should be. I'm also 20lbs shy of a major weight milestone: 300 lbs.

Help! Help! I can feel the resistance to making the changes...I think that's the stuff I'm addicted to. The more I resist and just not go to my OA group (which is really great) and exercise (also with many of the same group), the harder it will be to break free.

I admit, as much as I feel seized up inside with shock and apauled at how close I am to 300 lbs., there's a twisted part of me that wants to get up there and just hit that number...

I can see on people's expressions - family, coworkers of 18 years, friends, people I haven't seen in several years...I am up 20 lbs. from this date last year.

Then there's all the struggles with being obese. I would think any one or two of these would be enough motivator to make me lose weight...apparently not!

GrokRockStar

I can so relate to your post!! I haven't been able to truly look at myself in the mirror though. I may glance or take a quick look, but to spend time really looking at the damage I've done to my body is just not possible right now. I also know when I drift from the program, my mind starts to do its business on me, convincing me that I can have that forbidden food, it never let's up and I doubt that it ever will. I got complacent at managing, and accepting my obesity, even though I knew it was killing me slowly. We are a work in progress, some days I feel motivated and inspired, and some days I just want to crawl into a corner. My HP helps me through those days, so I don't stay there very long. You may just be in a funk, it happens, but work through those feelings to see what it's all about.

brilliantcoe

Use the tools. Work the steps. Listen to others Experience, Strength and Hope. The Los Angeles Intergroup has strong recovery and records speakers. You can find them here http://www.oalaig.org/speakers-podcasts/oa-speakers.html or subscribe via iTunes.

I didn't gain this weight overnight and I won't lose it overnight. If I could rationalize myself into dieting, or shame myself into it I wouldn't need Overeaters Anonymous - I would be a normal eater. I am a Compulsive Overeater. I have a three fold disease: a spiritual, emotional and physical. The solution is working the steps. Once I do that I can follow a plan of eating and an action plan. Otherwise I am just dieting with group support and that doesn't lead to me being Happy, Joyous and Free. I can honestly say today, I have a degree of serenity and it is because of OA. Take it one day at a time.

I look into the mirror, I see sagging skin, but I also see muscle. I have 50 more pounds to lose, and I suspect there is gonna be a lot more loose skin. I am grateful to be strong, feel fit and get healthier daily. It is a miracle of the program.

GrokRockStar

Well said BrilliantCOE!!