What the Hell Happened to Dating?
pa_jorg
Posts: 4,404 Member
Curious to hear what the Peeps think of this article.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2014/06/date-night-what-happened-to-dating
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/2014/06/date-night-what-happened-to-dating
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I think it is because the age of online dating........match says they are more of an introduction site...and that is true....
First dates are often not actual dates--they are just meet and greets. And, many people want something quick just to gage if their is attraction, chemistry, interest whatever before they are committed to an entire meal. I think in some cases, though, you may not feel initial crazy attraction, but then after you talk for awhile they become more attractive.......it has happened to me.
So, I think that is why "dating' is not so common anymore...........0 -
First you have to make sure the real person matches the profile - once you get past that it's easy breezing.....
I agree with Moe, online dating has made a mess of things kind of. And I will agree with the person in the article. I dunno if I've been on dates or not. I'm pretty sure they were just meetups. Coffee and go home. Because if I'm going to go on a date with someone, I guess I want to know more about them before hand. Otherwise it's just awkward.
I also believe the world is so incredibly overpopulated and so many people have been raised in the generation of "I'm entitled" that it's ruined the whole "someone for everyone" myth that most like to use or say to those that haven't found anyone yet.
It's very um...what's the word, calculated now. You must fit "this mold" or you are undateable.
Now for those that are already together/have someone, or are married. There's absolutely no excuse to not "date" your significant other. That is something that I will definetly make a point, becuase I know it get's old, tiedious, expensive, etc etc blah blah those are excuses. Flowers, special time together, whatever it is that brought you together. I do think society has made that a little more difficult to continue. It's looked at as gross, or they're being silly. It's not.0 -
Well, I think it has a lot to do with where you are in life. You may not have the cash to date too often. You may have your own place so you're happy staying in. You may both live with parents so need to spend time out.
I think there's probably less emphasis on dating as lots of people just hook up. But I think if you're looking for a relationship that dating and 'getting to know each other' is a natural progression.
Bottom line is, you have to set the precedent!!0 -
I understand this is a "Glamour" article, so "women centric" (at no point in this article is there any mention of men's feelings on the matter - I doubt the numbers would be that high for men... see below).
Now, here is the interesting point:
"73 percent of single women said they often can't even tell whether they've been on a date or not—and, shockingly, 19 percent said they had never been on a "real date" at all"
This is plainly and simply impossible.
I say impossible because I know for a fact that the average human person is perfectly capable of organising a what *they* would call a "date" *themselves*.
To be clear, if a woman/man organises this event she would (herself/himself) call a "date", to which she/he invites this person she would call a "date", then the event subsequently and logically can be called a "date" by the said person organising the event.
Granted, it might be a crappy one, things might not be as perfect as you would like to, but this would be nonetheless a "date" by the standards of the person organising the event.
Whether this is seen as a date by the other party is debatable (as what is and what is not a "date" will vary depending on people: cinema, camping trip, 5 stars hotel, coffee, nightclub, motorbike trip, etc.).
But whether this is seen as a "date" by the organising party is NON debatable (which is why men, traditional organisers of dates, would never feel that they haven't been on enough dates).
I personally think the effect is similar to the effect globalization had on economies. The world, as a whole, is just a smaller, more competitive place now (dating, job, money, enterprise and products).I also believe the world is so incredibly overpopulated and so many people have been raised in the generation of "I'm entitled" that it's ruined the whole "someone for everyone" myth that most like to use or say to those that haven't found anyone yet.
It's very um...what's the word, calculated now. You must fit "this mold" or you are undateable.
Everyone competes with everyone (that is: the foreign employee who is cheaper, the foreign woman who is content having a very average male partner with more money and a better situation that she would have in her country - these are the people we are all competing against).
Also, there is a contradiction in your paragraph, as the "someone for everyone" myth is the very definition of entitlement: I am entitled to someone (as everyone is) as there is this "someone for everyone" rule.
To give the rule some credit, it probably used to be true in a not so distant past with social pressure, religion, arranged marriages being more prevalent (and with travel and telecommunications being rarer and more expensive, the size/distance of dating pools would have been smaller than it is nowadays).
The quality of that special "someone for everyone" would have varied of course, but most people were content with what they had because they didn't/couldn't know any better (I find it amusing when people say they miss these "old days", they probably don't think about the amount of constraints people dealt with in the past too).
Nowadays, people realise this "someone for everyone" thing is not true (statistically it probably is true for most people but it is not an absolute truth so it won't be true for everyone). Some people will live and die alone - it might be depressing, but it is what it is.
This is why many people are trying to show their best selves - to have their chance at it too. They see themselves as hard working, strong, funny, intelligent, interesting, etc. you name it.
Then of course, they expect the quality of that special "someone for everyone" to match their perceived own "quality" at least (this partner should be as special as I am).
Thus comes another form of "entitlement": if you do what you're told, you should find a special someone of quality (at least equivalent to yours, but probably higher - after all, we need to admire the person we are with). This of course doesn't always happen (especially as you might not, as you said, fit the mould of what other people perceive as a higher quality partner).
Anyway, I am rambling and I probably have forgotten the initial point, but essentially you are responsible of your own success (primarily as only you can define what a "success" is).0 -
Flim - you win. Yes. Just very yes. :drinker:0
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This is plainly and simply impossible.
I have a couple of friends who have never been on a date before. I've really only been on two real dates. I actually think that number is probably too low.0 -
This is plainly and simply impossible.
I have a couple of friends who have never been on a date before. I've really only been on two real dates. I actually think that number is probably too low.
I think he meant for people who are actually getting out there.... if you friends chose to simply not date, or go out with men, or whatever, that is totally against what he was getting at. I think he was going more for women actually getting out there, but still thinking they weren't official dates.0 -
Now for those that are already together/have someone, or are married. There's absolutely no excuse to not "date" your significant other. That is something that I will definetly make a point, becuase I know it get's old, tiedious, expensive, etc etc blah blah those are excuses. Flowers, special time together, whatever it is that brought you together. I do think society has made that a little more difficult to continue. It's looked at as gross, or they're being silly. It's not.
Shawn and I go on dates all the time. We actually plan date nights and get a sitter!!! Might be because we love to go out and be kid free, but none the less we do it.
Even with my kids dad (my ex) we planned date nights, you need too or your relationship would suffer IMO0 -
This is plainly and simply impossible.
I have a couple of friends who have never been on a date before. I've really only been on two real dates. I actually think that number is probably too low.
I think he meant for people who are actually getting out there.... if you friends chose to simply not date, or go out with men, or whatever, that is totally against what he was getting at. I think he was going more for women actually getting out there, but still thinking they weren't official dates.
Ah yeah I think I understand. 19% of women who have been out with a man before didn't consider it a real date?
My friends and I would love to date the "old-fashioned" way. Unfortunately this hasn't happened for us. It really is a shame that dating has gone downhill the way it has. I feel like nowdays, if you missed the college boat where a ton of men and women were thrown together, you're screwed. I would love to be asked out and go on dates. I think most women feel this way!0 -
This is plainly and simply impossible.
I have a couple of friends who have never been on a date before. I've really only been on two real dates. I actually think that number is probably too low.
I think he meant for people who are actually getting out there.... if you friends chose to simply not date, or go out with men, or whatever, that is totally against what he was getting at. I think he was going more for women actually getting out there, but still thinking they weren't official dates.
Ah yeah I think I understand. 19% of women who have been out with a man before didn't consider it a real date?
My friends and I would love to date the "old-fashioned" way. Unfortunately this hasn't happened for us. It really is a shame that dating has gone downhill the way it has. I feel like nowdays, if you missed the college boat where a ton of men and women were thrown together, you're screwed. I would love to be asked out and go on dates. I think most women feel this way!
It still will happen, I really do believe.
Shawn seems to be a rare breed from the men I dated but he still was out there. Very old fashioned and traditional in that sense. Love it!0 -
I think the comments and the introduction to the article make it clear that women are just delusional when it comes to expectations and reality. The idea of a conservative 1980s bringing back more traditional dating or even the portrayal of the 1950s is utter hogwash. Ever heard of "shotgun weddings?" How did that happen with all the puritanical mindset and traditions of the '50s? The references to how it is on Sex and the City or other TV shows is just further evidence. It shouldn't have to be pointed out but TV shows are entertainment. They are not reality.0
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I think the comments and the introduction to the article make it clear that women are just delusional when it comes to expectations and reality.
Yes, the intro to the article is corny, still doesn't negate the basic idea though. And I don't think any woman is delusional simply because she would prefer a more traditional dating approach.0 -
I think what women see as "traditional" is created is delusional. It's a BS fantasy created by watching TV and mistaking what she saw for reality.0
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I think what women see as "traditional" is created is delusional. It's a BS fantasy created by watching TV and mistaking what she saw for reality.
:yawn: :yawn: :yawn: Please stop with the attitude that all women are too dumb to distinguish between fiction and reality. That just makes you seem bitter.0 -
I think what women see as "traditional" is created is delusional. It's a BS fantasy created by watching TV and mistaking what she saw for reality.
Well David, I think we need to qualify what your average woman 'wants' or 'expects' from dating before we start to presume we are all delusional!! :laugh:
I dont subscribe to the 'old fashioned' myth at all. I think there are guys and gals that are into the whole dating scene and there are guys that are not! For example, my b/f just called and said "what you doing Sunday? I'll take you out to dinner" And I said great. He'll open the front door for me, the cab door and he'll either pay or I will. We kinda take it turns. I don't think he's romantic at all, I just think he's a masculine type guy who likes to carry my bags and be assertive. But equally, he'll leave it up to me if I want to do something.......
Then there was a guy I was seeing before that would just say "what time shall I come round?" and we'd stay home. Or 'hang out' as you guys call it. If we ever went out, it would be because I suggested it. These guys are more homely, couch potato types. My Dad was like this with my Mum. He'd never want to leave the house!!
So, when we talk about 'dating' it really is just a case of people who like to go out and experience different things. Some people do (there are women that dont like leaving their home either!!) and some don't. Some people are lazy about it and some people are just clueless to the need of 'together time'.
I guess we just need to find someone 'compatible'!!0 -
I can't read the article, because it's blocked here in the Middle East, where I'm currently on a business trip. Side note: arranged marriages are still the norm here. That would definitely solve this issue, although create other problems. But I digress...
On a more practical note, I think this may be generational. We (ahem) older singles still go out on dates. I've been to the theatre probably 3-4 times over the past couple of months, went out dancing, went to the movies numerous times, etc. If you let yourself be relegated to "hook-ups" from a mobile app, you really only have yourself to blame. Unless, of course, that's what you're into.
Edit: interestingly, while at the theatre, I see the following demographic:
1 - Lots of the 35 and over crowd, couples. The majority of theatre goers. Obviously depends on the play, but this is generally true.
2 - Some young couples (under 35), as well. A smaller percentage, but some do go to the theatre.
3 - Lots of young ladies with other young ladies (under 25). Typically 2-3 in a group. Friends going with friends to the theatre.
My takeaway would be that if I'm a young man (I'm not), I would definitely advertise my interest in the theatre (on dating sites?), since there is a very large pool of young ladies that would perhaps be interested in going. Most young people, especially men, don't realize what they are missing. Good theatre is better than the movies. But of course not everyone has access to a wide selection of quality theatre, really depends on where you live.
But again, I can't read the OP's article, so apologies if I'm way off topic.
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Oh god, if I had to rely on my parents to find me a husband, I would probably end up with some ultra-religious freak who wanted to talk to me about my spiritual health every night before having really bad sex :laugh:
I honestly don't think I have had a huge problem with this. I was trying to think of the last time I actually met someone without him suggesting we meet for dinner, and it has happened literally once. He was my age, which I think may be the point. I generally go out with guys who are anywhere between the ages of 37-50, and it seems like they are willing to spend a couple of hours with a woman over dinner to see if it could possibly be a real match based on attraction, intelligence, etc. rather than a quick hookup because they are feeling horny and then keeping the girl on the line if she was good.
I could be wrong about the age thing, and I am sure that there are guys my age out there who don't just go for hookups, but the vast majority seem to just be into quick and easy. Anna was right, I think. It is really important to set the precedent for what you want. If you want the hookup, by all means, go for it. If you are looking for real dates with the possibility of a relationship, then say so. We can't be afraid anymore to communicate what we want as women. It's easy to just blame guys for being pigs, but we have to take a bit of responsibility for ourselves too. (I mean this as lovingly as possible!)0 -
Oh god, if I had to rely on my parents to find me a husband, I would probably end up with some ultra-religious freak who wanted to talk to me about my spiritual health every night before having really bad sex :laugh:
I honestly don't think I have had a huge problem with this. I was trying to think of the last time I actually met someone without him suggesting we meet for dinner, and it has happened literally once. He was my age, which I think may be the point. I generally go out with guys who are anywhere between the ages of 37-50, and it seems like they are willing to spend a couple of hours with a woman over dinner to see if it could possibly be a real match based on attraction, intelligence, etc. rather than a quick hookup because they are feeling horny and then keeping the girl on the line if she was good.
I could be wrong about the age thing, and I am sure that there are guys my age out there who don't just go for hookups, but the vast majority seem to just be into quick and easy. Anna was right, I think. It is really important to set the precedent for what you want. If you want the hookup, by all means, go for it. If you are looking for real dates with the possibility of a relationship, then say so. We can't be afraid anymore to communicate what we want as women. It's easy to just blame guys for being pigs, but we have to take a bit of responsibility for ourselves too. (I mean this as lovingly as possible!)
At your age, I am curious what makes you lean to a much older man? 37 isn't bad, but 50 is much older. Is it just the maturity leave of it all? My kids dad is much older than I, I was only 23 when we met. I was so excited to date an older man who probably had his *kitten* together, could provide me a life as he had already started his (ie not going to school, etc.) and boy was I wrong. Don't get me wrong, some older man could have fulfilled this, but I chose the wrong one.. his life was more crumbling down!!! But after that experience I wondered to myself 'what the heck am I doing with someone who is potentially old enough to be my dad?' and won't go there again.0 -
Kim, I would say for me it is about meeting of the minds, for lack of a better term. I have always been friends with people older than me, even as a child. My parents never felt it necessary to exclude my brother and I from their adult company and conversations, so I learned how to behave in public at a very young age. I was also reading full chapter books at the age of four, and read my first full length Tolstoy at the age of 12. For me, I find it to be most enjoyable when I can be with someone who doesn't find that boring and with whom I can have intellectual discussions. Most guys my age tend to find me a little strange in that way.
Don't get me wrong, I can hold my own with just about anyone and talk about anything. I just tend to look for what I enjoy best when it comes to a romantic partner.0 -
I was also reading full chapter books at the age of four, and read my first full length Tolstoy at the age of 12.
In the original Russian? ;-)
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I was also reading full chapter books at the age of four, and read my first full length Tolstoy at the age of 12.
In the original Russian? ;-)
--P
Unfortunately no. That had to wait until undergrad
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This article is in the same vein...
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/relationship-virgins
The author wrote a book, which I have on reserve from the library.0 -
i think it's a mix of things :
- online dating (it's like online shopping. i can just return that person after 1 date :laugh: )
- people expecting perfection (youth/beauty/etc is in our face 24/7 so many people expect their SOs to be 10 even if they themselves arent 10's)
- unintentional side effects of feminism (loss of women's sexual power and energy; women actually being afraid to admit they want a bf or husband for fear of looking like they arent independent; men becoming more passive to avoid potentially coming off as chauvinists, etc)
- too much pressure on kids on things that take away from their socialization. those kids grow up to be adults who have never really learned how to date or interact with opposite sex.
- lack of consequences for laziness (if people can get away with asking someone out via text then why should they change?)
- depending on your ethnicity or age you'll constantly be reminded in the media of how you are either unattractive, noone wants you or you are a dying bread. some people start to internalize those things and believe them
- bad habits that are blamed on other things. by this i mean people claim they are "busy" but in actuality they just have a short attention span. many people expect thins to happen quickly. kind of like if you can binge watch a season of orange is the new black in a weekend, they expect the same to happen with relationships.
- either from lack of honestly or inability to be vulnerable or wanting to avoid rejection or whatever, some people aren't willing to make their intentions known which leads to confusion.
with that said, ive been on several of those "dates that i didnt know were dates" :laugh: i didnt know until well after the fact when the dude i was "dating" later asked me why i blew him off, told me i broke his heart by bringing another date to our date, etc. in all cases these were guys who never made their intention known that they were interested in me more than friends. i mean sheesh the guys didnt have to pull their penis out and rub it own me, but they could have at said something like "i think you're pretty" "or something to cue me in they werent intentionally putting themself in the friendzone
One of them would also regularly invite other people to our "dates" (which is why i didnt see an issue with inviting a real date). That last one always stood out to me because the group date is how we dated in high school but by this time we were 32. i did feel kind of bad that at early 30 that guy was stuck in high school :ohwell:Anyway, I am rambling and I probably have forgotten the initial point, but essentially you are responsible of your own success (primarily as only you can define what a "success" is).
agreed. i advise everyone who dosnt want to be single to stop lamenting about being single, get out and meet people via networking, hobbies, events, etc. dont be afraid to show people how you want to be treated : if you know "hang out dates" are just a way for your date to cop out, then say no i want an actual date. if they have a problem with that then they've done you a favor.
yep!Well David, I think we need to qualify what your average woman 'wants' or 'expects' from dating before we start to presume we are all delusional!!
my definition of a date involves spending time with someone who is clearly interested in getting to know me and is using that date time to do that and you're both participating in an activity that you are both into to or interested in doing. i know i cant speak for all women (i'm still waiting you gals' signature on that particular petition
) but i think many men would be surprised to know that many women's definition of "date" is something much simpler than what the men expect. 0 -
my definition of a date involves spending time with someone who is clearly interested in getting to know me and is using that date time to do that and you're both participating in an activity that you are both into to or interested in doing.
I completely agree with this. And this is what is so confusing to me. If men are typically the culprit, why would we (men) be against classical dating? As correctly noted, if done correctly, it's just participating in activities that both parties enjoy. Seriously, who could be against that?
We're talking about a picnic in the park, going to see a movie, or just having a nice dinner and talking a bit. And most women, at least based on comments here, are willing to share costs. So if the guy is struggling financially, it's not like he has to spend a lot of money to participate in these mutually beneficial activities. Worst case is you see a nice movie, have a beer, and realize this person is not for you. Maybe 4 hours max???
Perhaps it's just extreme laziness? But who wants to start a relationship with someone who is just too lazy to go see a movie, or talk a bit in a restaurant over dinner? That seems rather pathetic, to be honest. I can't imagine we've sunk that low. Is this really a trend among anyone over 21 years old???
Again, I'm not really sure I'm completely understanding the dynamic. Would be good to hear from more men who just don't bother dating in the traditional sense. Why the change? What am I missing here?
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Personally, I have never ever met anyone who wouldn't at least go on a date (or do "something") - although there is plenty to do where I live. Whether the person being invited or the activity becomes the "main" focus of the night probably depends on the situation...Is this really a trend among anyone over 21 years old???
The only examples I have heard of people who don't go on dates are couples that aren't in love/interested in each other any more.
Maybe Glamour readers are boring and bored with their lives in such a way that nobody wants to date them.0 -
Personally, I have never ever met anyone who wouldn't at least go on a date (or do "something")
I would agree with this. The only thing I can think of is that they skewed the results somehow to prove a point. Or they only polled people who actually responded to the "hey sexy come over and watch a movie with me tonight" messages that I seemed to get on a daily basis while actually using an online dating profile.0 -
I completely agree with this. And this is what is so confusing to me. If men are typically the culprit, why would we (men) be against classical dating? As correctly noted, if done correctly, it's just participating in activities that both parties enjoy. Seriously, who could be against that?
We're talking about a picnic in the park, going to see a movie, or just having a nice dinner and talking a bit. And most women, at least based on comments here, are willing to share costs. So if the guy is struggling financially, it's not like he has to spend a lot of money to participate in these mutually beneficial activities. Worst case is you see a nice movie, have a beer, and realize this person is not for you. Maybe 4 hours max???
these are all great ideas and agree with everything except sharing the cost details, especially for the first few dates but that's a whole other can of worms :laugh:
as for why these types of classical dates are going by the wayside, i think it might be because guys think that women expect more extravagant things for dates and they don't want to risk paying a lot of dough for someone they might not like. plus i think there are more than a few cynical guys out there who have been burned by girls who in the past have gone out with them just to get free stuff and expect that all women are like that. also, PUA techniques are really popular with 20/30 year old american men and traditional dates are seen to be a waste of time in those.
that's very possible. although glamour has been losing popularity over the years so i wouldnt even be surprised if this data was made up as a way for them to try and stay releventMaybe Glamour readers are boring and bored with their lives in such a way that nobody wants to date them.0
