Being truthful about bingeing
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christannahoner
Posts: 8
I'm finally admitting that it's a problem.
It's a problem that I notice and am disgusted and cry over and gain/lose/gain/lose over now and that makes me angry and miserable all at the same time. But it's always been a problem; even when I was a little kid, I always wanted to stay up late eating. I'd eat whole boxes of Cheezits and Fun Dips and peanut M&M's, and when I was all by myself, it made me happy. I've since realized that I absolutely am inclined towards this behavior as some sort of coping mechanism for whatever it is that I am feeling.
Just want to clarify that my definition of binge is not eating three days worth of calories or anything. But it's the sick, twisted compulsion to just keep finding things to eat, and being unaware of or none the wiser or just simply not caring about anything like hunger signals. In fact, recently, it's been really hard for me to give hunger/fullness signals the time of day. I simply don't seem to give a f***. In those moments where I have whatever craving food it is, whether it's chocolate chip cookies, or a veggie pizza, or even just chips and salsa, I feel this false sense of pleasure. It reminds me of doing cocaine, it's like the excitement leading up to it and the feeling while you're ingesting it is wonderful, but you never stop wanting more, and you eventually reach a point where you've taken in so much and you feel absolutely disgusted with yourself.
I don't know why I am this way, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to admit it. Maybe I thought that if I pretended like it didn't exist, I'd never have to deal with it. It's embarassing. No one feels bad for binge eaters. Anorexics, bulimics, they are all "sick" and I'm not denying that's true, but to society, "binge eating" is a symptom of laziness, lack of willpower, and it's a choice people make to be fat and lazy and not care.
I lost 15 lbs last year calorie counting like crazy, and even then I was "binge eating", albeit my deprived version of sneaking cupfuls of trail mix late at night when my roommate had gone to bed or eating an entire stalk of celery with hummus. I know now that it's not the type of food, but the behavior, that has persisted. I moved across country and the stress of it left me seeking out some sort of comfort. Oh, and I totally gained back all the weight I lost, because I started binge eating regularly, almost nightly.
I need help, and I need it badly. I'm currently seeking out a therapist, because I know I need it, but it would be great to connect with some people who are going through the same thing. I hate being this way and I really want to change. I need to change or it's going to be the death of me. Thanks for reading.
-Christanna
It's a problem that I notice and am disgusted and cry over and gain/lose/gain/lose over now and that makes me angry and miserable all at the same time. But it's always been a problem; even when I was a little kid, I always wanted to stay up late eating. I'd eat whole boxes of Cheezits and Fun Dips and peanut M&M's, and when I was all by myself, it made me happy. I've since realized that I absolutely am inclined towards this behavior as some sort of coping mechanism for whatever it is that I am feeling.
Just want to clarify that my definition of binge is not eating three days worth of calories or anything. But it's the sick, twisted compulsion to just keep finding things to eat, and being unaware of or none the wiser or just simply not caring about anything like hunger signals. In fact, recently, it's been really hard for me to give hunger/fullness signals the time of day. I simply don't seem to give a f***. In those moments where I have whatever craving food it is, whether it's chocolate chip cookies, or a veggie pizza, or even just chips and salsa, I feel this false sense of pleasure. It reminds me of doing cocaine, it's like the excitement leading up to it and the feeling while you're ingesting it is wonderful, but you never stop wanting more, and you eventually reach a point where you've taken in so much and you feel absolutely disgusted with yourself.
I don't know why I am this way, and I don't know why it's taken me so long to admit it. Maybe I thought that if I pretended like it didn't exist, I'd never have to deal with it. It's embarassing. No one feels bad for binge eaters. Anorexics, bulimics, they are all "sick" and I'm not denying that's true, but to society, "binge eating" is a symptom of laziness, lack of willpower, and it's a choice people make to be fat and lazy and not care.
I lost 15 lbs last year calorie counting like crazy, and even then I was "binge eating", albeit my deprived version of sneaking cupfuls of trail mix late at night when my roommate had gone to bed or eating an entire stalk of celery with hummus. I know now that it's not the type of food, but the behavior, that has persisted. I moved across country and the stress of it left me seeking out some sort of comfort. Oh, and I totally gained back all the weight I lost, because I started binge eating regularly, almost nightly.
I need help, and I need it badly. I'm currently seeking out a therapist, because I know I need it, but it would be great to connect with some people who are going through the same thing. I hate being this way and I really want to change. I need to change or it's going to be the death of me. Thanks for reading.
-Christanna
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Replies
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I could have written that post, too. *hug*0
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You found the right group here
Many of us probably could have written your post or something pretty similar. I'm glad to hear you are taking the steps of putting a name on the issue, looking for a therapist and seeking support. Those are HUGE steps, so you should be proud of yourself. There are lots of resources here you should check out - between the lists of websites and books, and lots of us who will be glad to be friends. (And we really do understand how you're feeling!) Welcome and good luck! 0 -
That hit home. *hugs* I'm pretty sure most of us here could have written that exact post. If you're looking for friends, I'd definitely be one. If not, this group is a great resource. Try and participate on the June Me vs. The Binge on the boards. There should be another one in July. It helps put things into perspective.0
