How to handle a teenager

tzig00

A little background on the situation...My now husband though in his divorce that he signed off all rights to his daughter 13 years ago because that's what his ex told him after he signed the papers (and he was young and dumb and didn't read them before he signed them). When I got engaged to him I got to read all his legal stuff and I found out he never signed over rights but he signed over legal and physical custody but had open visitation with her. 13 years later, his ex contacts him saying that his daughter's psychologist thinks it's a good thing if he comes back into her life and wanted to know if he wanted to. Being the family guy that he is, he said of course and we began seeing her for a couple hours every Sunday. That couple hours every Sunday over the past 5 months turned into all day Sunday and this past week turned into 4 days straight. The 4th day we found out why her mom is so ready to give her to us "whenever we want her". She had a complete meltdown temper tantrum on Sunday down to telling us that since she's been there we haven't made her feel welcome and we haven't done anything for her and she wishes her dad would go back to hell where he came from and there was more said than that but I can't remember it. My husband was talking to her and trying to calm her down but she wouldn't. My 7 year old and 4 year old were right there hearing everything (I live in a 2 bedroom apartment) and there was no punishment given out except to talk about it in which case she never ended up calming down and threw a little pitty party all night. I don't know how we could've made her feel not welcome as she spent from 12-6 at home alone with a game cube and books and drawing stuff and I even gave her my Narnia book series because she was playing a Narnia video game. We both work full time and she's gotten in serious trouble with the internet over the last month so we weren't going to allow her to get on the internet (not like we have it anyway). I have 17 days until my due date and I gave up my bed so she would have somewhere to sleep and I slept in the full size bed with my 7 year old while my husband slept on the couch. One night I even got kicked off the bed and instead of waking her up and telling her I was sleeping in the bed, I went to sleep on the floor. Tell me again that I haven't done anything for you... This poor girl's mom has had it with her and pretty much thrown in the towel at any punishment. We can't smack her because she's already claiming child abuse for anytime you touch her. How can we straighten her out so that she learns that she can't and won't get away with acting this way and make an example of her so that my kids know that there are repercussions for your actions and you need to think before you act out?

DawnieB1977

So, she hasn't seen her dad for 13 years and he's now back in her life, married with another family? Just checking I have this right.

Although that doesn't excuse bad behaviour, it's still a difficult situation for a teenager. Being 13 is hard enough as it is. I teach secondary school...the 13/14 year olds are the worst!

I think you just need to be patient with her. Does she understand why she's just seeing her dad now? Perhaps she needs to spend some time with just him and have a chat...go out for dinner, bowling, whatever. I expect she's acting up to get attention.

She must have issues already if she had a psychologist. Well, unless it's normal where you live for 13 year olds to have a psychologist.

What's her life been like with her mum? Has she remarried?

As for rules, perhaps discuss with her what you expect and what the consequences are. What sort of rules does her mum have at home?

tzig00

She's 15 and her mom and dad split when she was 2 and her mom took her to California to live with her family. As far as he knew, he was seeing her once a year when she came home to be with her mom from an all girls school in California for summer break. I just found out that she's been here for the past 5 years but we didn't know that. When she came back into his life, they went out just the 2 of them for 2 1/2 months before she met me so that he could get to know her and let her know after a little bit that he was getting married and I had 2 kids and we had 1 on the way. Her mom told her that her dad abandoned her and didn't want anything to do with her and he has told her time and time again that that's not true and this is what was going on which is more than likely a little confusing and who do you trust in that situation? I totally understand that. Her mom is remarried, she's been married twice. She has been sexually assaulted by one of her mom's boyfriends and she's also claimed it on her little brother. She is no longer allowed to be in her home when her mom has custody of her little brother. Her life has been messed up and my husband blames himself for not being there more. Being pregnant I'm trying not to lash out at her and trying to be patient with her but the things she was saying were uncalled for and were a terrible influence on my kids. I'm honestly not sure she has any rules at home. It's pretty much we'll come up with something if we have to. I know she's thrown these fits at home and they just let her sulk and yell until she's done. For her trouble with the internet (it was HUGE trouble in which case there's a federal trial and just bad) she had her kindle and laptop taken away so she couldn't get on the internet but still had her gamecube and PS3 in her bedroom which are both internet capable. For her grades and the fact that she barely passed 9th grade (has to retake 1 class because she got a complete F in that one) her dad told her no driver's ed. When I first met her, we went to the mall and hung out and shopped and ate. When we were eating she got mad at her dad and threw her food at him. To me it sounds like she has anger issues and I don't know how to handle that because if I would've done those things, I would've been grounded or gotten smacked.

dandelyon

I'd say family counseling for all, and get her mother involved if you can as well. Poor kid must be all over the board emotionally. And you, ready to give birth any day and trying to handle a situation that requires generous amounts of patience... I would definitely start looking for a good counselor. And if you're concerned about cost I think this type of counseling goes through the child's insurance, so if she is on Child Health Plus or Medicaid it would be covered without a copay.

Wanted to also mention that the fact she's acting up suggests she is getting more comfortable with you. So it's bad and good. It could be testing to see if she's still loved at her worst.

Take your bed back, though!

mommyrunning

Dealing with a teenager is hard. It seems like you are being understanding and care for her which is awesome. It's important to remember though that this girl has suffered years of abuse and mistreatment and it's going to take time to help her. It is also going to take time her to trust you and your husband. I am sure your husband did what he thought was best but she is probably hurt wondering why he didn't try harder to be with her. She is too young to fully understand the complicated nature of divorce and how her mother probably manipulated him. In addition, sexual abuse alone can destroy a girl and she probably needs regular counseling to deal with that and all the aftermath including acting out and not trusting others. Blending a family is hard too. You already have routine and life with her dad and your children and she probably is very hurt seeing your happy family knowing that she suffered abuse instead of that kind of good family. While it isn't fair for her to act out it is normal and to be expected. People take years often into adulthood to begin to get over something like this.

As for discipline she is honestly too old to be hit and that would only make it worse. Her dad should probably be the primary person handling discipline though that may be tough too since he is "new" to her life as well. You shouldn't let her walk all over you but treat it the same as you would if you were caring for a friend's child rather than your own children when it comes to discipline.

Have you taken her to lunch or somewhere just the two of you and talked? Maybe you could ask her what's making her unhappy and see what would help. Then calmly explain the things that hurt or upset you (but be careful not to say something like "you should be grateful I gave up my bed". How you word things can make a huge difference.) If she says something is not fair or she doesn't like something acknowledge her feelings even if you disagree then if necessary explain your decision. For example if she says ''It's not fair I can't talk to my friends online." You could say "I understand you're frustrated because you want to talk with your friends. We felt it necessary to take away your internet privileges because you did this ____ which was a bad decision." But then give her a way to make it better. You could offer supervised online time or tell her when she improves her behavior/grades/etc. she can begin to get time back. That way she has a goal to work toward and knows your expectations.

Good luck

lisapr123

My best friend is having a lot of problems with her 12 year old daughter. Similar stuff in terms of anger issues, lashing out, internet time needs to be monitored very closely, etc.... Her oldest daughter (now 19) was a dream so this has been really hard on everyone. I will say that one thing led to another and although it was awful, her mom had her institutionalized first on a 72 hour hold then she stayed for about 10 days. Life in the facility was all about rules, schedules, counseling and accountability and it made a huge difference.

When her daughter is at my house (I take her for several day stretches because she functions better here, and it's under the guise of "her helping me with our daughter"), we have rules, schedules, accountability, etc... When she is at her own home, they do not. The 12 yr old is a totally different kid here than at home. I know a huge part of it is because I'm not her mom but I think a lot is because of the schedules and accountability. We don't "do technology" at my house. TV is on for maybe 45 minutes at night after the baby is in bed. Internet is about an hour all day (yes, we're on facebook and other sites but not constantly). Our days consist of walking, playing, chores, etc... and lots of family time. Meals are eaten together at the table with the TV off and real conversation on, after dinner walks are had, etc... She has commented that my house runs a lot like the facility and that she likes it.

It's tough, but maybe consider implementing some sort of schedule/routine. Take away some of the choices and it can sometimes create a better environment/attitude/etc.. Good luck!!!

tzig00

Thank you for your responses. I know that she's too old to be hit and it's not my place to hit her even if she wasn't too old so I would never do that. I had to have a talk with my husband and let him know how it was handled was unacceptable and there have to be consequences for her actions otherwise my kids are going to follow suit and there's nothing you can do about it. I also had a chat with my 7 year old and let him know that the way she was acting was wrong and not to think he's going to be able to do that because it wasn't going to happen and she's not going to get away with it anymore. Before she came over last week my house was like a facility. There was a lot of "I'm bored"s and schedules and routines. We don't have internet so that was never an issue, the tv is going a lot for my youngest who has mental issues and just does better with Thomas running over and over, dinner is usually around the table at a certain time and bedtime is 8:30. Bedtime was later this past weekend while she was there so that everyone could see Daddy when he came home but she usually stays up until 2am at her mom's house anyway. Unfortunately I work days and my husband leaves at 12:30 to go to work and I get home at 6ish so she has a lot of the day to herself to do whatever she pleases. She also brought with her her gamecube which she played WAY too much this weekend! I didn't want it coming to my house but it created a huge fight between me and her dad about running my house like a prison so she got to play that whenever she wanted throughout the day and I let them play that on our rainy Saturday as long as their chores are done. It was just a FUBAR of a weekend all around IMO. She did apparently end up apologizing to her dad about her actions but all she said to me was she had fun. I guess it's better to apologize to one than none but still...