One day, bay-beeee!

JenH1550

Thanks you guys. I mean it.

I got emotional reading that y'all got emotional... because I KNOW what it feels like, and there's this sad-joy mixture that I know you know what it feels like to be that alone in side.

Sad, because it just sucks, man, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Joy, because I'm not the only one, and irrationally, I thought I was.

I'm swamped right now, but I think I'll ease into a blog pretty soon. Tonight or tomorrow.

Thanks for the kind words, but I am NOT inspiring.

Every teeny step forward is filled with a lot of cussing. A lot. Like, words you've never heard before.

I get whiney and bummed out. The internal dialogue is like this, "I'm fighting soooo hard to make my little baby-step goals -- is it going to be this hard forever? Am I going to have to fight myself every day of my life ... forever? I'm just not strong enough. Poor me. Pooooooorrrrr. Meeeeeeee."

Today feels a little harder than yesterday. The newness and the excitement are wearing off.

As cool as it is to say EIGHT FRICKIN DAYS, it doesn't have the glitter and fairy dust of ONE FRICKIN DAY. You know?

The newness has worn off and I'm getting ready to accept that these healthful changes are going to be a permanent part of my life.

That, to a normal person, sounds like something to celebrate.

To a binge-eater, it sounds like life-without-parole in a dark, stanky prison cell. Life with no fun, or joy, or cake.

I know it's not true, and I'm happier now, but this disorder is about self defeat and the little *kitten* in my brain is braying about what a failure and horrible person I am... so why not eat.

ANYHOO! Enough self-pity. I'm making myself sick here.

So, I told my daughter last night.

It was rough.

She's 14.

She high-fived me and checked out my food diary.

That felt great and horrible at the same time. You know?

Maybe I can spare her one moment of food-agony. And that's huge.

But the shame is there. The crushing, horrible shame.

Today I'm going to make calorie count again, and my new goal is to stop being ashamed.

If I got cancer, a life-threatening illness, I wouldn't be ashamed.

I'd do anything to get well.

I have a binge disorder. A life-threatening illness.

Today I will not be ashamed to do anything to get well.

Thank you guys, for being here. We're going to get well together. I really believe it.

JenH1550

Example?

I had to go to bed at 9:15 last night because I was out of calories and roaming. I ate a granola bar, had four calories left, and then my hand was ON the peanut butter.

The *kitten* in my brain was honestly showing me a little movie of me grabbing a spoon and just having... a little.

That little donkey is a lying *kitten*. I know from experience when I'm on the verge of being triggered there is no.. a little. It's all or nothing bay-bee.

So I'm touching the peanut butter and seeing myself eat it, and honestly screaming in my own head.

I went to bed.

Yeah.

Living life to the fullest by hiding from a jar of talking peanutbutter in my bed.

That's how I roll, yo'.

Dennis4766

Your writing style is entertaining.

We binge on the same things - I can not allow peanut butter or granola bars in the house. They can start a 1000 - 1500 calorie binge in a heartbeat.

And I agree with your post on being ashamed - it is the absolute worst feeling in the world to lose total control like we can around food. Stay strong!

Pudding1980

I think its good that you opened up to your daughter. I'm sure that was an important dialogue to start with her, and for yourself.

JenH1550

Thanks Dennis and Pudding!

It's so strange the things that go through a brain in a day.

Even more strange that those things are tied so much to food.

Like, if food animated like in the cartoons and started dancing around, singing the "EAT ME JEN" song, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

My entire life is starting to feel like a drag.

I'm making my calorie count. I'm not bingeing. I'm exercising.

It feels like that's all I do anymore though.

I'm nine days in and it feels like my entire life is monitoring food. Either logging it, measuring it, avoiding it, having will power, pining for it, thinking about it, planning, timing, resisting, wondering how long till my next meal or snack, wondering how much I have to work to get ice cream today...

Food.

(Seriously, it's all I think about. A cooking show would be pornographic at this point.)

I hope this brutish obsession sort of fades and I get normal again. Just healthier. And less likely to hate myself.

How are you guys holding up?

Dennis4766

Seriously - I found that once they put me on prozac, then bumped up dosage to 60 mg a day, the whole food obsession began to fade away. Otherwise, I was thinking of food, weight, calories and running 24-7. It completely dominated my entire life.

Pudding1980

Keep hanging in there!

JenH1550

Thanks.

Yesterday I fell off the wagon really hard and binged.

But I had a TEN DAY streak, which was like a gift from heaven.

So today is Day 1 again. This time I'm going to make it two weeks. That's the goal. I can make it two weeks.

But FIRST, I'm feeling really fragile, so I'm just going to make it through today.

And HUNGRY.

Do you wake up starving after a binge? I gained five pounds overnight and woke up feeling like my belly is eating itself.

Such a terrible cycle.

I'm so happy to be here with you all, so that we can break free from this crap.




PS. I've moved daily posting to a MFP blog: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/JenH1550

Pudding1980

It is such a hard cycle to break. The longest I've gone in the last year or so, since its been really bad, has been a week. And that was a while ago. So, I bow down to you. Just give yourself today to nurse yourself back and get on that horse tomorrow. I will join in with you, if I may. Aiming for two weeks sounds really challenging for me but I think I can do it.