One day, bay-beeee!
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WAHOOO!
I started to roam last night.
That restless stalk in the kitchen, were I go in and wander, look at stuff, go out...
The roam ALWAYS precedes a binge. I'm scoping stuff out in preparation for eating it ALLLLL.
And I didn't.
I worked out really hard last night. I built in dessert first and shaped the rest of my day arournd a Klondike bar.
AND, when I had calories left over and felt the binge ready to pounce, I ate portion-controlled fruit and cereal, stayed under my calories limit, made a cup of tea and WALKED OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
It was awesome. I felt like a million bucks.
Today I'm so happy, and honestly everything seems brighter. I was staring at the sky, just grinning like a loon.
Food tastes better. I had a big (healthy breakfast) and it tasted amazing. Then, I felt full.
I am filled with gratitude for having six days of freedom from the binge. I appreciate every single one.
How's everyone else doing on this beautiful day.0 -
BONUS!
I am one day away from having a full week report in the "good" range.
When you do the reports at the top, and do the weekly net calories report... every single day this week has met net calories, or been below. I have nothing above the red bar.
If I can make it through today, then it'll be a whole week.
I joined in the beginning of May. I've lost weight, gained weight, gave up, came back.
I have never, not once, had an entire week where every single day was binge free and under (or at) net calories.
Today is my day.
If I can make it through today on track, I can do anything.0 -
Yay!!0
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This is awesome, you are doing awesome. Yay!!0
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Jen. You are my new idol. I'm waiting with bated breath to see how you do. Amazing!0
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ONE. FRICKIN'. WEEK. BAY-BEEEEEEEE.
One. Fickin' WEEK! EEEEPPPPPPP!
I'm like, overjoyed.
Yesterday was the hardest day yet. PArt of me was like, "I can't do this anymore when every day gets more and more difficult."
I'm returning to college after more than a decade, and the club I'm in had a "welcome back" night.
I'd pre-logged everything but dinner, and there I am with only like, 200 calories for my dinner. Which was cool. I could eat really light and sit on my butt, or I could eat heartier and go for a quick walk. No. Worries. I had this. I had a pre-logged ice cream waiting for me, too, so I could make it through anything.
Nope.
Welcome back night was handing out snacks to students. I had to man a table of crumb cakes, chex mix and wise potato chips. My PORES were drooling. I was SWEATING because I was so stressed out handling this food and trying to control myself.
On bitty bag of Chex Mix would have been my dinner, you know?
I got home late, and I'm starving. I make a reasonable dinner. Only a little over my goal. I can do a little yoga in the back room and maybe not even break a sweat. I'm exhausted, and I don't want to go out for a walk/run.
Then a tree falls on my house and punches a hole in the roof.
This will not be covered by insurance.... because we're right in the middle of changing insurance, and our NEW insurance company just scheduled our home inspection for October. They will be looking for things like roof-holes in order to cover us.
And I don't need to tell you what my emotional response was.
It all crashed down. I was tired.
I was tired of fighting myself. I wanted to not think. I just wanted to not think and feel OK.
I grabbed cereal and started eating it while eyeballing the rest of the snacks in the pantry...
My poor husband drags in, and I ask if he needs help...
Then, I logged my calories, strapped on my music and shoes, and went out waking/running until I'd burned off the extra calories.
It was awful. Then, it wasn't so awful. Then it was amazing, and everything was a little better.
I made it one week, and I don't even know how.
Yeah, I do. I made it because you are all here.
Bingeing is so lonely. So, so lonely.
Being here with you makes it feel less so.
I love youse guys!0 -
PS.
I told my husband about my binge eating problem.
Showed him last week, where I averaged 4,000 calories a day. Including the two days I was sick as a dog and could barely walk.
Showed him this week.
He took it well, probably didn't understand it at all, but said he was proud of me, and that's what I needed to hear.
So in the spirit of healing ourselves in the open, I want you to know that I'm proud of YOU. No matter what small victory you have, I know how hard it was to get that victory, and I'm so happy that you did it.
PEACE!
(PS. I think I'm going to move to a blog after this. Posting daily helps me tremendously, but I don't want to be a thread-hog. What do you think?)0 -
I like the blog idea, just because I see your posts in my newsfeed and it's easier to keep track of your amazing progress. I'm so incredibly proud of you. I'll blame hormones, but you had me tearing up. You're inspirational. It's so good to see one of us getting so many amazing victories and taking so much control. You're entirely capable of beating this thing and I can't wait to see you progress even more.
While your husband may not understand the intricacies of what you're going through, he does know what it's like when you feed good vs when you feed bad. He also knows that your calorie range recently has been fantastic. He may not know just how much that means to you, but you know he's proud of you for what you've accomplished so far. You're awesome!0 -
Jen, your posts are really motivational. You're doing great! It's been tough for me these days and I'm starting to feel like I can turn things around.
When you said "Bingeing is so lonely", I got a bit emotional. That is so true. There is no comfort in bingeing.0 -
That is so, so amazing. Good for you!0
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Thanks you guys. I mean it.
I got emotional reading that y'all got emotional... because I KNOW what it feels like, and there's this sad-joy mixture that I know you know what it feels like to be that alone in side.
Sad, because it just sucks, man, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Joy, because I'm not the only one, and irrationally, I thought I was.
I'm swamped right now, but I think I'll ease into a blog pretty soon. Tonight or tomorrow.
Thanks for the kind words, but I am NOT inspiring.
Every teeny step forward is filled with a lot of cussing. A lot. Like, words you've never heard before.
I get whiney and bummed out. The internal dialogue is like this, "I'm fighting soooo hard to make my little baby-step goals -- is it going to be this hard forever? Am I going to have to fight myself every day of my life ... forever? I'm just not strong enough. Poor me. Pooooooorrrrr. Meeeeeeee."
Today feels a little harder than yesterday. The newness and the excitement are wearing off.
As cool as it is to say EIGHT FRICKIN DAYS, it doesn't have the glitter and fairy dust of ONE FRICKIN DAY. You know?
The newness has worn off and I'm getting ready to accept that these healthful changes are going to be a permanent part of my life.
That, to a normal person, sounds like something to celebrate.
To a binge-eater, it sounds like life-without-parole in a dark, stanky prison cell. Life with no fun, or joy, or cake.
I know it's not true, and I'm happier now, but this disorder is about self defeat and the little *kitten* in my brain is braying about what a failure and horrible person I am... so why not eat.
ANYHOO! Enough self-pity. I'm making myself sick here.
So, I told my daughter last night.
It was rough.
She's 14.
She high-fived me and checked out my food diary.
That felt great and horrible at the same time. You know?
Maybe I can spare her one moment of food-agony. And that's huge.
But the shame is there. The crushing, horrible shame.
Today I'm going to make calorie count again, and my new goal is to stop being ashamed.
If I got cancer, a life-threatening illness, I wouldn't be ashamed.
I'd do anything to get well.
I have a binge disorder. A life-threatening illness.
Today I will not be ashamed to do anything to get well.
Thank you guys, for being here. We're going to get well together. I really believe it.0 -
Example?
I had to go to bed at 9:15 last night because I was out of calories and roaming. I ate a granola bar, had four calories left, and then my hand was ON the peanut butter.
The *kitten* in my brain was honestly showing me a little movie of me grabbing a spoon and just having... a little.
That little donkey is a lying *kitten*. I know from experience when I'm on the verge of being triggered there is no.. a little. It's all or nothing bay-bee.
So I'm touching the peanut butter and seeing myself eat it, and honestly screaming in my own head.
I went to bed.
Yeah.
Living life to the fullest by hiding from a jar of talking peanutbutter in my bed.
That's how I roll, yo'.0 -
Your writing style is entertaining.
We binge on the same things - I can not allow peanut butter or granola bars in the house. They can start a 1000 - 1500 calorie binge in a heartbeat.
And I agree with your post on being ashamed - it is the absolute worst feeling in the world to lose total control like we can around food. Stay strong!0 -
I think its good that you opened up to your daughter. I'm sure that was an important dialogue to start with her, and for yourself.0
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Thanks Dennis and Pudding!
It's so strange the things that go through a brain in a day.
Even more strange that those things are tied so much to food.
Like, if food animated like in the cartoons and started dancing around, singing the "EAT ME JEN" song, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
My entire life is starting to feel like a drag.
I'm making my calorie count. I'm not bingeing. I'm exercising.
It feels like that's all I do anymore though.
I'm nine days in and it feels like my entire life is monitoring food. Either logging it, measuring it, avoiding it, having will power, pining for it, thinking about it, planning, timing, resisting, wondering how long till my next meal or snack, wondering how much I have to work to get ice cream today...
Food.
(Seriously, it's all I think about. A cooking show would be pornographic at this point.)
I hope this brutish obsession sort of fades and I get normal again. Just healthier. And less likely to hate myself.
How are you guys holding up?0 -
Seriously - I found that once they put me on prozac, then bumped up dosage to 60 mg a day, the whole food obsession began to fade away. Otherwise, I was thinking of food, weight, calories and running 24-7. It completely dominated my entire life.0
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Keep hanging in there!0
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Thanks.
Yesterday I fell off the wagon really hard and binged.
But I had a TEN DAY streak, which was like a gift from heaven.
So today is Day 1 again. This time I'm going to make it two weeks. That's the goal. I can make it two weeks.
But FIRST, I'm feeling really fragile, so I'm just going to make it through today.
And HUNGRY.
Do you wake up starving after a binge? I gained five pounds overnight and woke up feeling like my belly is eating itself.
Such a terrible cycle.
I'm so happy to be here with you all, so that we can break free from this crap.
PS. I've moved daily posting to a MFP blog: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/JenH15500 -
It is such a hard cycle to break. The longest I've gone in the last year or so, since its been really bad, has been a week. And that was a while ago. So, I bow down to you. Just give yourself today to nurse yourself back and get on that horse tomorrow. I will join in with you, if I may. Aiming for two weeks sounds really challenging for me but I think I can do it.0
