Changing Labels...

JennBrown83

Okay, so I am a little curious. I apologize if this question offends anyone as that is not my intention I'm just curious, honest.

So on the Intro thread I have seen a lot of "i used to identify as a bi until I got into a (insert gay/lesbian/straight) relationship so know i'm just that" in peoples responses and it honestly confuses me. Does your gender identiy/sexual orientation REALLY change just because of the relationship your in?? If you're in a hetero relationship do you magically stop being attracted to girls? Or vice versa.... I'm a heteroflexible, polyamorous woman and, to me, just because I am currently (and probably will be for the rest of my life) in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship that doesn't change the fact that I am still attracted to certain types of women and that if possible I would be a polyamorous relationship... So I guess I'm asking why the "i was that but now i'm this because of my relationship"???

Again, I'm sorry if I offend anyone, not my intention. Candy, feel free to delete the post if you think it's inappropriate, but I couldn't think of anywhere else "safe" to post it..

Thanks in advance for your answers.

brittanyjeanxo

Well, to help answer your question, I've known I liked both men and women since I was about 12. Though most of my relationships have been with men, and the one I'm in now, and most likely forever, is with a man, doesn't mean I'm any less attracted to females. Maybe what they mean is that they are now in a heterosexual relationship, so they're identifying as heterosexual? I honestly couldn't tell you that part. I think that your attractions don't change just because of who you're dating.

Unwrapping_Candy

I don't see that your post is in violation of any group or site rules, and I am also curious about what kinds of answers you will receive. I have been observing the same thing you have, and I admit it's made me scratch my head. However, I do not know enough about the fluidity of bisexual attraction to be of any help to you. I hope we get some answers though. I feel it's a pretty great question.

Schwarzeaugen

Sexual orientation doesn't really change, although your openness to certain experiences might.

I know there have been some studies in the LGBT psychological literature about the discrimination bisexuals can feel from both other members of the LGBT community who MAY feel they're trying to 'have it both ways',and, of course, from the heterosexual community who may discriminate against anyone who doesn't fit their sexual mold.

So I guess I'd say: an individual may choose to redefine their sexuality with a different term other than bisexual simply because it's easier. But ultimately it's a question of semantics. Some people may feel that labeling themselves bisexual when they're in a relationship sounds too much like they are still 'playing the field', so they choose a more definitive label.

Bisexuality has, of course, nothing to do with 'playing the field', and many people are in perfectly happy relationships while still defined as such.

Punkedpoetess

I was wondering about that as well, I think some people change labels to make their partner more comfortable or to seem more committed to them. Bisexuals are often mislabelled as people who can't make up their minds or as people who are unfaithful due to "playing the field". Not true, but that is the prejudice bisexuals often face. While I am a bisexual that is married to a man, I still consider myself a bisexual. In fact I will even admit that I tend to be attracted to women more often than I am to men, despite being married to a man. I don't think that will ever change. I believe that we are who we and simply being in a relationship does not make a bisexual become straight, gay, or a lesbian. Bisexuality is a very broad spectrum from what I know and our levels of attraction to different genders and individuals vary from person to person. That is the best way I can describe it from my point of view as a married bisexual who still considers herself to be Bi.

MusicKeepsMeSane

I don't think the relationship you're in changes what you consider yourself. I'm happy in a hetero relationship but that doesn't mean that I've stopped liking girls. And when I was with a girl that didn't mean I stopped liking guys. A lot of people often say that being bisexual is just being confused until you figure out which gender you truly like but I don't see it that way. It doesn't matter if you like men or women more, you are who you are and the relationship you're in will never change that.

VeganGal84

I'm one of the label-changers!

I think that sexuality is flexible and fluid, at least it has been for me. I guess that's why I'm really bisexual... but it does seem that once I've been in a relationship for a long time, I stop being attracted to anyone other than my partner. Since my partner is a man, that makes me straight. Does that make sense? Probably not, I tend to ramble.

Mostly I believe that it's okay to change your label if you want to, there should be no shame either way.

twinsanity

I've been seeing this a lot, as well. It's also part of what makes this group so great, I think. You don't necessarily have to fit into just a category of LGBT to be in this group. Hell, many in the group prefer not to label themselves, so if a person no longer identifies with one label, but does with another, who am I to judge? As with the OP, it does have me curious, though. And to the OP, I didn't see your question as offensive at all, I'm glad you felt 'safe' enough to ask!

The flip side to this - there may be some people who are more 'forced' to label-change. I have two friends (real life) who have been bi for practically their whole lives. Both are females, and both are in relationships with men. The men in their lives, while accepting of the feelings, do not approve of expression of those feelings. I cannot speak for both of these women, but one of them has shared with me that she feels like she has to give up this part of who she is, just to be with the man she's madly in love with. It may not necessarily 'change' her label, but if you feel like you can't be who you are, is there really a difference?

Liopleurodon

I've always self-identified as gay because my balance of attraction has been around 90% towards women and 10% towards men. However, I am currently with a man (and engaged) so I'd self-identify as bi (I suppose - still not really happy with that label since it suggests 50/50) so that I don't confuse the hell out of people. The whole "I'm a lesbian but I'm making this ONE exception" doesn't work very well but if we did break up odds are that my next partner would be female (as indeed they all were before him).

Funnily enough I work with a woman who's in the exact reverse situation: usually straight but currently in a serious relationship with a woman.

collinsellyson

I can totally understand the confusion as I'm STILL confused about how I could've done this. I date men, and was with one for 4 years and engaged, until I was about 22 years old. When I was about 16 I started realizing I was really into girls as well. It totally shocked me and I was scared. I never dated one, kissed one, nothing, until I was 22. The MOMENT I started doing what my heart was telling me to do (be with a woman) I did JUST KNOW that THIS was the right place for me. I never had orgasms with a man. I never felt connected during sex with a man. And although I can APPRECIATE the hotness of a male, I know I will NEVER EVER want to be with a man again! Even the THOUGHT of LOOKING at a penis repulses me. And I sit there and think- how the heck was I EVER with a man? Still to this day, I don't understand it. But what I DO understand is the fact that I have NEVER been more happy and secure in knowing who I REALLY am. I don't know if this technically answers your question- just a little insight I guess.

thedreamhazer

To people who say sexuality doesn't change -- I respectfully disagree. I believe that sexuality and gender identity and expression is fluid throughout our lives. This doesn't mean that everybody will change labels, but as humans we are constantly defining and redefining ourselves and our relationship with the world and the people who occupy it.

I am a queer woman in a long-term and permanent relationship with a heterosexual, cisgendered man. I am still a queer woman, but my sexuality is very different than it was before I was in this relationship. Yes, I have always been attracted to all genders. However, attraction does not dictate my identity, and how I am attracted to people has changed profundly since I entered into this relationship.

It would be wrong to say my sexuality is the same as it used to be. I mean, I used to think that Ginger Spice was the only person in the world for me --- I promise you that this is not true anymore. My label stayed the same throughout, but that's only because labels are insufficient for describing a person fully. That's why I chose a broad one

(Side Note: I just realized ... I've only ever dated redheads and this exists all the way back to my first ever crush [that's Ginger, of course]. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe in reality I'm just a ginger-sexual.)

Banrion

I identify as Pansexual. Whoever I am dating, whatever gender at the time does not change who I am to begin with. Its usually other who lable me due to the gender of the person I am currently dating. "Its like my cousin the other night, so are you straight right now or gay?" :sick: I personally don't change my label, but some people do, they can do it out of connivance or just because of current feelings...I don't believe that it really matters be who you are.

Yakisoba

I honestly did not like labels and only use them to "explain myself" to other people.

For a very long time, I labeled myself as pansexual. I had crushes on everyone. XD Then I developed feelings for a girl and wanted to spend every moment with her. When I was telling a friend how wonderful she was and all this, they ask, "When did you become a lesbian?" -_- Honestly?

Now, she's dating a transman and he and I DO NOT get along.. but then someone asked her if she was a lesbian or not since she is dating a transman. Argh. >_< As much as he and I do not like each other, come on people.

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

I don't like giving people labels. Labels are for canned foods, and I believe that people are more important than that.

KittMahan

I am attracted to a certain personality type, not gender. That type is more often found in a male body but not always by any means.

I think that people are not truly one or the other. I may be wrong, could easily be, but I believe that at our core humans are deeply sexual, and only culture stops us all from being bi. Or not, depending upon the culture.

Vaanja

Maybe there are just too many labels, and people are romantic and/or sexual, or not romantic and/or sexual.

Maybe this is a stupid analogy, but the way I see it, just because I like to drive doesn't mean someone should assume I love Volvos.

argharna

I am one who has changed what I am with diffrent relationships. when I was with my ex boyfriend I was straight to everyone but him he knew I thought of myself as bi, it was just easier for me to tell people I was straight. now that im with my girlfriend I say im bi. but now I think of myself as lesbian, (a naked man kindof grosses me out) but because Ive had to many people question how I can be a lesbian and have had kids the old fashioned way (thu sex with a man) I got to the point that I just say Im bi.

Unwrapping_Candy

The only label that really matters is "human". We are all human, and the subcategories are truly irrelevant.

Mindful_Trent

I haven't read everyone else's responses, but in my experience from myself and what I've seen in others, sexual orientation really can change over time. I personally believe very few things in life are set in stone - things are much more fluid/"grey" than many people want to believe.

My story is really complicated, because I've got gender identity stuff thrown in as well... but to try to make a long story short, I came out as a lesbian in high school. Over the course of my time in college I started presenting more masculine. About 7 years after coming out as lesbian I made the decision to transition to living as a male. Since then, I've started dating men. At the moment they seem to be caputuring my interest more than women, but I am open to dating whomever I click with - regardless of their gender or body parts. I've found that as my relationship with myself and my own identity has changed, so has who I am attracted to. This is definitely not the case for everybody - plenty of people who transition remain attracted to the same gender they were before they transitioned.

Really, I think the world would be a much happier place if everyone just quit worrying about labels and orientation and just lived life and let things happen as they happen. As humans we like to put things in boxes and slap on labels, but very few people/situations fit neatly into boxes and trying to do so can cause unnecessary anxiety/stress.

Bonita_Lynne_58

The only label that really matters is "human". We are all human, and the subcategories are truly irrelevant.

Candy- I like this answer, because we are all human!

I appreciate all the explanations everyone has given. I have a thirst for knowledge. I've always been that way and it drove my family nuts. They told me curiosity killed the cat.

SkateboardFi

Okay, so I am a little curious. I apologize if this question offends anyone as that is not my intention I'm just curious, honest.

So on the Intro thread I have seen a lot of "i used to identify as a bi until I got into a (insert gay/lesbian/straight) relationship so know i'm just that" in peoples responses and it honestly confuses me. Does your gender identiy/sexual orientation REALLY change just because of the relationship your in?? If you're in a hetero relationship do you magically stop being attracted to girls? Or vice versa.... I'm a heteroflexible, polyamorous woman and, to me, just because I am currently (and probably will be for the rest of my life) in a monogamous, heterosexual relationship that doesn't change the fact that I am still attracted to certain types of women and that if possible I would be a polyamorous relationship... So I guess I'm asking why the "i was that but now i'm this because of my relationship"???

Again, I'm sorry if I offend anyone, not my intention. Candy, feel free to delete the post if you think it's inappropriate, but I couldn't think of anywhere else "safe" to post it..

Thanks in advance for your answers.

no, i don't think your relationship defines what you are. i'm bisexual. when i was in a relationship with a lesbian, i still identified as bisexual. i'm currently in a relationship with a man, and guess what? i'm still bisexual the 'labels' describe who you are attracted to. although i'm in a realationship with a man, i'm still very much attracted to women. it has more to do with you, than who you're with. that's why when people say they're 'turning' something (i.e. 'i've TURNED straight/gay whatever' it bothers me, because i don't believe you 'turn' anything. you either are. or you aren't :bigsmile:

SkateboardFi

Sexual orientation doesn't really change, although your openness to certain experiences might.

I know there have been some studies in the LGBT psychological literature about the discrimination bisexuals can feel from both other members of the LGBT community who MAY feel they're trying to 'have it both ways',and, of course, from the heterosexual community who may discriminate against anyone who doesn't fit their sexual mold.

YESSS! i've experienced this from both sides, straight and rainbow :sad:

krystonite

I actually really don't understand the motives behind people's linguistics with this subject. Because bisexual indicates a fifty-fifty homology. However, I highly doubt that bisexuals are only fifty percent attracted to males and fifty percent attracted to females. They are one-hundred percent attracted to males and one-hundred percent attracted to females. The only difference being to whom the one-hundred percent attraction is being directed at in a given time. In which case, the labeling doesn't really come from the relationship so much as it comes from society. Because you could be a female, attracted to both sexes, in a relationship with a male, and society will label you as heterosexual. Our need to place people into dichotomous roles would be very interesting if it wasn't in fact extremely oppressive.

I've experienced this just by calling myself gay. Everyone feels the need to reiterate that I am, in fact, a "lesbian." But I don't like that word; strictly for semantical purposes. It sounds annoying in my mouth. Gay is more fluid and it's not so exclusive. I hate exclusivity. The boys get *kitten* and gay and the girls get *kitten* and lesbian. Again, WHERE DO WE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

I don't even remember what the hell this topic was about now.

DimplesInProgress

(Side Note: I just realized ... I've only ever dated redheads and this exists all the way back to my first ever crush [that's Ginger, of course]. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe in reality I'm just a ginger-sexual.)

This made me so happy... Ginger-sexual... ;-)

Unwrapping_Candy

I actually really don't understand the motives behind people's linguistics with this subject. Because bisexual indicates a fifty-fifty homology. However, I highly doubt that bisexuals are only fifty percent attracted to males and fifty percent attracted to females. They are one-hundred percent attracted to males and one-hundred percent attracted to females. The only difference being to whom the one-hundred percent attraction is being directed at in a given time. In which case, the labeling doesn't really come from the relationship so much as it comes from society. Because you could be a female, attracted to both sexes, in a relationship with a male, and society will label you as heterosexual. Our need to place people into dichotomous roles would be very interesting if it wasn't in fact extremely oppressive.

I've experienced this just by calling myself gay. Everyone feels the need to reiterate that I am, in fact, a "lesbian." But I don't like that word; strictly for semantical purposes. It sounds annoying in my mouth. Gay is more fluid and it's not so exclusive. I hate exclusivity. The boys get *kitten* and gay and the girls get *kitten* and lesbian. Again, WHERE DO WE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

I don't even remember what the hell this topic was about now.

Many of the labels we use in the LGBT+ community are ones our community hasn't come up with on its own. They are the labels that have been thrown at us by society in general and we've just kind of adopted them. We haven't really had a chance yet as a community to come up with our own stuff. lol We've been too busy fighting for our right to live. However, as things get better in society we are starting to see our community create its own terms and conditions, and that's fabulous. Eventually we'll probably throw off most of the labels that have been thrown at us, but until then we just have to deal with the transitions process as best we can.

krystonite

I actually really don't understand the motives behind people's linguistics with this subject. Because bisexual indicates a fifty-fifty homology. However, I highly doubt that bisexuals are only fifty percent attracted to males and fifty percent attracted to females. They are one-hundred percent attracted to males and one-hundred percent attracted to females. The only difference being to whom the one-hundred percent attraction is being directed at in a given time. In which case, the labeling doesn't really come from the relationship so much as it comes from society. Because you could be a female, attracted to both sexes, in a relationship with a male, and society will label you as heterosexual. Our need to place people into dichotomous roles would be very interesting if it wasn't in fact extremely oppressive.

I've experienced this just by calling myself gay. Everyone feels the need to reiterate that I am, in fact, a "lesbian." But I don't like that word; strictly for semantical purposes. It sounds annoying in my mouth. Gay is more fluid and it's not so exclusive. I hate exclusivity. The boys get *kitten* and gay and the girls get *kitten* and lesbian. Again, WHERE DO WE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

I don't even remember what the hell this topic was about now.

Many of the labels we use in the LGBT+ community are ones our community hasn't come up with on its own. They are the labels that have been thrown at us by society in general and we've just kind of adopted them. We haven't really had a chance yet as a community to come up with our own ****. lol We've been too busy fighting for our right to live. However, as things get better in society we are starting to see our community create its own terms and conditions, and that's fabulous. Eventually we'll probably throw off most of the labels that have been thrown at us, but until then we just have to deal with the transitions process as best we can.

Well when we're all at that point of being allowed to forsake our chosen skin and forage for new ones... I call dibs on Mother Fu*ker.

krystonite

To people who say sexuality doesn't change -- I respectfully disagree. I believe that sexuality and gender identity and expression is fluid throughout our lives. This doesn't mean that everybody will change labels, but as humans we are constantly defining and redefining ourselves and our relationship with the world and the people who occupy it.

I am a queer woman in a long-term and permanent relationship with a heterosexual, cisgendered man. I am still a queer woman, but my sexuality is very different than it was before I was in this relationship. Yes, I have always been attracted to all genders. However, attraction does not dictate my identity, and how I am attracted to people has changed profundly since I entered into this relationship.

It would be wrong to say my sexuality is the same as it used to be. I mean, I used to think that Ginger Spice was the only person in the world for me --- I promise you that this is not true anymore. My label stayed the same throughout, but that's only because labels are insufficient for describing a person fully. That's why I chose a broad one

(Side Note: I just realized ... I've only ever dated redheads and this exists all the way back to my first ever crush [that's Ginger, of course]. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe in reality I'm just a ginger-sexual.)

Yes! I've often said this/thought this. About the ginger-sexual. I think it's so funny we blurpblurpsexual everything so long as its relative to actual SEXES. Would be so much better if we blurpblurpsexual things that we are actually physically attracted to insofar as idiosyncrasies. Okay, like... I have a thing for gaped-toothed females; I don't know why. Not an extreme gap but a modest one (like Madonna, or something... OR VICKIE FROM THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), so I'd actually like to be called a gap-toothedsexual. Seems more fitting.

SkateboardFi

To people who say sexuality doesn't change -- I respectfully disagree. I believe that sexuality and gender identity and expression is fluid throughout our lives. This doesn't mean that everybody will change labels, but as humans we are constantly defining and redefining ourselves and our relationship with the world and the people who occupy it.

I am a queer woman in a long-term and permanent relationship with a heterosexual, cisgendered man. I am still a queer woman, but my sexuality is very different than it was before I was in this relationship. Yes, I have always been attracted to all genders. However, attraction does not dictate my identity, and how I am attracted to people has changed profundly since I entered into this relationship.

It would be wrong to say my sexuality is the same as it used to be. I mean, I used to think that Ginger Spice was the only person in the world for me --- I promise you that this is not true anymore. My label stayed the same throughout, but that's only because labels are insufficient for describing a person fully. That's why I chose a broad one

(Side Note: I just realized ... I've only ever dated redheads and this exists all the way back to my first ever crush [that's Ginger, of course]. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe in reality I'm just a ginger-sexual.)

Yes! I've often said this/thought this. About the ginger-sexual. I think it's so funny we blurpblurpsexual everything so long as its relative to actual SEXES. Would be so much better if we blurpblurpsexual things that we are actually physically attracted to insofar as idiosyncrasies. Okay, like... I have a thing for gaped-toothed females; I don't know why. Not an extreme gap but a modest one (like Madonna, or something... OR VICKIE FROM THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), so I'd actually like to be called a gap-toothedsexual. Seems more fitting.

i like you. i too have a fetish for gaps

krystonite

Not to mention that nobody is actually born, fully, on either end of the spectrum (homosexual or heterosexual). We're all mostly born with a predisposition toward both but cultural normalities shift us into whichever direction to the exclusion of any other possibility.

Which gives me hope when I do really stupid **** like ask out straight women.

krystonite

To people who say sexuality doesn't change -- I respectfully disagree. I believe that sexuality and gender identity and expression is fluid throughout our lives. This doesn't mean that everybody will change labels, but as humans we are constantly defining and redefining ourselves and our relationship with the world and the people who occupy it.

I am a queer woman in a long-term and permanent relationship with a heterosexual, cisgendered man. I am still a queer woman, but my sexuality is very different than it was before I was in this relationship. Yes, I have always been attracted to all genders. However, attraction does not dictate my identity, and how I am attracted to people has changed profundly since I entered into this relationship.

It would be wrong to say my sexuality is the same as it used to be. I mean, I used to think that Ginger Spice was the only person in the world for me --- I promise you that this is not true anymore. My label stayed the same throughout, but that's only because labels are insufficient for describing a person fully. That's why I chose a broad one

(Side Note: I just realized ... I've only ever dated redheads and this exists all the way back to my first ever crush [that's Ginger, of course]. Maybe I'm wrong -- maybe in reality I'm just a ginger-sexual.)

Yes! I've often said this/thought this. About the ginger-sexual. I think it's so funny we blurpblurpsexual everything so long as its relative to actual SEXES. Would be so much better if we blurpblurpsexual things that we are actually physically attracted to insofar as idiosyncrasies. Okay, like... I have a thing for gaped-toothed females; I don't know why. Not an extreme gap but a modest one (like Madonna, or something... OR VICKIE FROM THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS), so I'd actually like to be called a gap-toothedsexual. Seems more fitting.

i like you. i too have a fetish for gaps

I like you too! (I like anyone who likes me because it's few and far between.) At least we can commiserate on our gap-toothed fetishes now.

IvoryParchment

I agree that sexuality is a continuum, and that labels are for food. I think we're all born with the capacity to love other people, as well as having a biological sex drive that makes us desire sexual relationships with people we find attractive. I don't think that anyone is 100% limited in their ability to see one gender or the other as attractive. I think a lot of homophobia comes from people who are uncomfortable with the little part of themselves that is attracted to their own gender. ("Methinks thou dost protest too much," as they say...)

No matter what your orientation, you're going to have no attraction at all to the vast majority of people you meet, regardless of their gender. Gender is one of the things that you find attractive in a potential mate, but it's only one.