What makes someone a bully?

Grimmerick

The word bully gets thrown around a lot on here and now it is at the point where someone crys bully when someone else's opinion is too harsh or straightforward. I am not saying there aren't the occasional bully situations on here but they are much fewer and farther between than people make them out to be. For instance a young lady on here said I was bullying her because I told her I didn't think she had much self respect because she posted about a guy she liked who obviously didn't like her and blew her off all the time. I and many others (everyone said the same thing) told her to ditch him and stop wasting her time. So she takes that advice throws it right out of the window and reposts a similar (not exactly the same) post the next day. In my opinion she wanted validation and she wasn't going to get it. So my response the next day was much more harsh and straightforward, I basically said she didn't want our opinions just validation and I wasn't going to waste my good advice on someone that obviously doesn't want it and doesn't have enough self respect for themselves to use it. She asked why I was bullying her. I told her she could call it bullying if she liked but that no one can bully you (especially on the internet) unless you let them and that just proves my point that she lacks self respect. So my question? Do you think I was being a bully, or is this just yet another instance of throwing words around? If you consider this bullying please tell me how you arrived at that conclusion.

Shanna_Inc86

"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, which may manifest as abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when habitual and involving an imbalance of power. It may involve verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed persistently towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability"

No you were not bullying her...haha

I will disagree with you though on cyber bullying...I think it is very real especially among teenagers

Grimmerick

I will disagree with you though on cyber bullying...I think it is very real especially among teenagers

I agree cyber bullying is real, but for this situation I meant for someone thats a complete stranger (basically because you can cut them off at any time and completely walk away from your comp) , usually cyber bullying goes on between teenagers that know and have to see each other.

iAMaPhoenix

I kinda disagree with the concept that adults can be bullied on the internet by complete strangers. In real life, we are taught to avoid a confrontational situation whenever possible. Why is the internet any different? Simply log off. If you absolutely have to, change your user name and if push comes to shove, avoid the internet altogether. Unless someone hacks into your IP address, YOU allow yourself to be bullied on the internet.

kennethmgreen

Wow. You guys need to weigh in over here:
What Is A Bully? | MyFitnessPal.com
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389776-what-is-a-bully

Shanna_Inc86

I will disagree with you though on cyber bullying...I think it is very real especially among teenagers

I agree cyber bullying can is real, but for this situation I meant for someone thats a complete stranger (basically because you can cut them off at any time and completely walk away from your comp) , usually cyber bullying goes on between teenagers that know and have to see each other.

Agreed

Grimmerick

Wow. You guys need to weigh in over here:
What Is A Bully? | MyFitnessPal.com
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389776-what-is-a-bully

haha I find it hilarious that you are in that club haha, talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing

kennethmgreen

Wow. You guys need to weigh in over here:
What Is A Bully? | MyFitnessPal.com
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389776-what-is-a-bully

haha I find it hilarious that you are in that club haha, talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing

Why? Do you think I'm a bully?

Grimmerick

Wow. You guys need to weigh in over here:
What Is A Bully? | MyFitnessPal.com
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389776-what-is-a-bully

haha I find it hilarious that you are in that club haha, talk about a wolf in sheeps clothing

Why? Do you think I'm a bully?

No but you aren't a ***** either. I recognize some of the members in that club and I know certain ones can't handle an opinion from someones grandmother without her being a bully. With that said I am glad you are in the club because we need someone to speak some sense and keep the balance.

kennethmgreen

OK. Thanks.

I joined because the topic is important to me. Granted, the reason I find the topic important may be different from the reasons of the other members of that group. I don't like seeing the term "bully" get overused - but I still take actual bullying very seriously. I'm also an advocate for common sense, giving someone the benefit of the doubt, and having a sense of humor. One of my main arguments was that we are focusing too much on the "bully" and not enough on the "bullied." I think crying "bully!" does very little and wish people would focus more energy on encouraging others to stay focused, move forward, have a sense of humor, not take things personally, etc. That seems way more supportive to me. Also, I don't like the vindictive nature of how some "bullies" get called out.

I stumbled on this discussion today and realized you others in this thread were saying things I was thinking in the other thread I linked to.

kennethmgreen

Also of interest: Mike's response in the Bullying group about a new policy of bullying. I have respectfully asked Mike to define bullying. I think it's important to know the rules.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389878-report-bullying-posts

Grimmerick

Also of interest: Mike's response in the Bullying group about a new policy of bullying. I have respectfully asked Mike to define bullying. I think it's important to know the rules.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/389878-report-bullying-posts

I saw and applaud you on that post. We need a clear cut definition to keep both sides safe. Keep people safe from truly being bullied and also keep people safe from being labeled a bully when it is not the case.

kennethmgreen

We need a clear cut definition to keep both sides safe. Keep people safe from truly being bullied and also keep people safe from being labeled a bully when it is not the case.

This is HUGELY important. I hope Mike understands this.

cmriverside

I think we need a thread "What makes someone a victim?"


Just sayin. I'm so tired of the same discussion day after day. If someone tries to call me out, I ignore them on the forums. It's not that hard to do. All this discussion just fans the fire.

cmriverside

.....and mostly, they have a valid point when they call me on something. If they don't - game on.

kapeluza

I will disagree with you though on cyber bullying...I think it is very real especially among teenagers

I agree cyber bullying is real, but for this situation I meant for someone thats a complete stranger (basically because you can cut them off at any time and completely walk away from your comp) , usually cyber bullying goes on between teenagers that know and have to see each other.

I've seen A LOT of cyber bullying going on here on MFP. It's real for sure. It's usually the same little group....

Krizzle4Rizzle

I believe bullying is real & I believe cyber bullying is real as well. However, I do think the term bullying gets thrown around an awful lot. Especially on the MFP forums. I have seen those cry out bully to some one has a different opinion then them. I have seen some one cry out bully when it is them that are being super defensive and take things the complete wrong way. Some people need to understand that everyone is different and entitled to their opinions. Being strong & vocal does not make you a bully.

FearAnLoathing

Ive been called a bully on this site more times than I can remeber,most times for just not aggreeing with something someone said.If I think an idea is stupid I will say so that does not mean i think the person is stupid or that im a bully.

LorinaLynn

I think intent plays a big roll on whether it's bullying or not.

"Hey, if you don't start eating more than 200 calories a day, you're going to get really sick!" is not bullying. It's concern. Telling someone to stop obsessing about a guy who's obviously not interested is not being mean, either. It's being honest. It's having perspective that you don't often have when in a bad situation.

Picking on someone for the sheer hellish pleasure of picking on them and watching them squirm... that's bullying.

Grimmerick

Agreed! Good point bringing up intent. Thats the hard part about going back and forth on the internet, things can be taken the wrong way and it's hard to know exactly what someones intent is.

By the way great job on your finishing touches in the toning department you've really been kicking it and you look great.

kennethmgreen

Thats the hard part about going back and forth on the internet, things can be taken the wrong way and it's hard to know exactly what someones intent is.

Which is why this discussion is so important. Policy decisions are being made that can get people kicked off MFP. That's not freaking out, waving my hands, chicken little fear-mongering. That's the reality. Steven and Mike have both said they are working on MFP rules to get rid of bullying. Unfortunately, if you are going to create policy around a word that many people define by *INTENT* then you are on shaky ground....

I encourage everyone to speak up about fairness, what support is, not taking things so seriously, stamping out true bullying, having the freedom to make jokes and have a sense of humor, etc. Please speak up. Do so with patience and respect.

macpatti

I encourage everyone to speak up about fairness, what support is, not taking things so seriously, stamping out true bullying, having the freedom to make jokes and have a sense of humor, etc. Please speak up. Do so with patience and respect.

Kenneth,
I just joined this group and saw this thread. Thought I'd add my 2 cents, even though I'm a week late in the discussion. I agree with the above statement. I know you and I view bullying a little different, but I believe we're aiming for the same goal.

Jade_Butterfly

Well I believe that while you don't need to validate something that you disagree with or think is wrong, there are kind ways to say something without hurting someones feelings.

And I disagree. . BULLYING does take place on the internet as it does everywhere else, whether it be adults or children. .There have been children that have committed suicide or internet bullying. . so it is a prevalent issue.

That said it should not be casually thrown about, but people do need to be aware of what constructive criticism is and outright rudeness.

macpatti

I was pleased with Mike's definition of bullying for his site.

Jade_Butterfly

I was pleased with Mike's definition of bullying for his site.

Absolutely!

BrettPGH

FOR ME, when I think bullying I think of kids. To me adults should be stronger, able to handle it. Plus we have laws where if you get hit by someone they're going to jail. But in the world we live in kids are allowed to do unspeakable things to each other and it's written off as "kids being kids".

So if an adult complains of being bullied I tend to turn a bit of a deaf ear. You're a grown up. Stand up for yourself. If a website of people is making fun of you, LEAVE! Why expose yourself to that? Why insist that people accept you if they clearly don't want to? I know where I'm not wanted and I respectfully head for the door.

But with kids it's different. They really are victims. When they are being bullied adults need to be responsible, step in and do something.

macpatti

FOR ME, when I think bullying I think of kids. To me adults should be stronger, able to handle it. Plus we have laws where if you get hit by someone they're going to jail. But in the world we live in kids are allowed to do unspeakable things to each other and it's written off as "kids being kids".

So if an adult complains of being bullied I tend to turn a bit of a deaf ear. You're a grown up. Stand up for yourself. If a website of people is making fun of you, LEAVE! Why expose yourself to that? Why insist that people accept you if they clearly don't want to? I know where I'm not wanted and I respectfully head for the door.

But with kids it's different. They really are victims. When they are being bullied adults need to be responsible, step in and do something.

I agree with you regarding the children, but respectfully disagree regarding adults. Some adults don't have the self-esteem or confidence to stand up for themselves. Some will leave MFP because they feel bullied (as you suggested), but I don't think that's fair. I think true bullying, whether of kids or adults, should be dealt with.

kennethmgreen

That said it should not be casually thrown about, but people do need to be aware of what constructive criticism is and outright rudeness.

I'm willing to bet that you and I agree in principle, but disagree on our definitions.

This discussion is difficult because you are talking about a spectrum of reactions, human emotions, people's own baggage/issues/etc., and the biggest variable of them all: perception.

How many of the "bullying" instances online have you seen this: "Wow, that sounded rude. Did you really mean __________?"

We don't do that. We jump to conclusions about what someone meant, the react to our assumption, then our friends swoop in to defend us, then others jump on the defenders, then we're all just yelling at each other.

Back to definitions. I agree that conceptually there is a line between constructive criticism and rudeness. The problem is that line isn't painted anywhere we can both see. Your line runs differently than mine. So anything close to that line is likely to be misinterpreted. One solution is to sanitize all communication so that anything remotely close to this line be removed. Another solution is seek clarity when you think something had crossed the line to be sure. And another solution might be to accept that your line and my line may be different and what I think of as constructive criticism may fall on the rude side of your line.

In other words, give the speaker/writer the benefit of the doubt that what they said/wrote was intended to be constructive criticism (or silly joke) - that his or her line is different.

kennethmgreen

I agree with you regarding the children, but respectfully disagree regarding adults. Some adults don't have the self-esteem or confidence to stand up for themselves. Some will leave MFP because they feel bullied (as you suggested), but I don't think that's fair. I think true bullying, whether of kids or adults, should be dealt with.

I agree in principal, but want to note that sometimes it's easy to get caught up in a crusade to "save" others, and that isn't always as helpful as it might feel.

With adults and children, dealing with actual bullies is complicated. Of course bullies should experience consequences. But that's only half of it. Recipients of bullying need to learn how to deal with things. Someone with a low self-esteem is probably more in need of tools for dealing with bullying than seeing the bully "get his."j

I've said it before: I think the bullying discussion focuses too much on the bully. Let's support people with encouragement and strength and levelheadedness.

macpatti

In other words, give the speaker/writer the benefit of the doubt that what they said/wrote was intended to be constructive criticism (or silly joke) - that his or her line is different.

Of course I think it's best to give someone the benefit of the doubt. However, when there's a pattern of this behavior, sometimes pointing it out to them can be helpful.

Jade_Butterfly

That said it should not be casually thrown about, but people do need to be aware of what constructive criticism is and outright rudeness.

I'm willing to bet that you and I agree in principle, but disagree on our definitions.

This discussion is difficult because you are talking about a spectrum of reactions, human emotions, people's own baggage/issues/etc., and the biggest variable of them all: perception.

How many of the "bullying" instances online have you seen this: "Wow, that sounded rude. Did you really mean __________?"

We don't do that. We jump to conclusions about what someone meant, the react to our assumption, then our friends swoop in to defend us, then others jump on the defenders, then we're all just yelling at each other.

Back to definitions. I agree that conceptually there is a line between constructive criticism and rudeness. The problem is that line isn't painted anywhere we can both see. Your line runs differently than mine. So anything close to that line is likely to be misinterpreted. One solution is to sanitize all communication so that anything remotely close to this line be removed. Another solution is seek clarity when you think something had crossed the line to be sure. And another solution might be to accept that your line and my line may be different and what I think of as constructive criticism may fall on the rude side of your line.

In other words, give the speaker/writer the benefit of the doubt that what they said/wrote was intended to be constructive criticism (or silly joke) - that his or her line is different.

*stands up and applauds* Oh contrare I love this answer. . and so true!