Open vs Closed Adoption

_SusieQ_

What are your experiences/thoughts on this?

As an adoptee of the 70s, everything was closed up tight and hush hush back then. I still do not have access to my files. I have written more than once requesting information only to be told it is confidential.

I'm torn on this one. On the one hand it would be nice to have pertinent information. But I would also respect the wishes of my bmom to not be found, if that was/is in fact what she wants/ed.

I think it would be hard to be an adoptive mom in an open adoption. Are they feelings of possessiveness or jealousy? I know Q posted on here somewhere that her bio-brother's amom had anger issues about it. My mom was kinda the same way for years. She felt like why would you want to find another mom, wasn't I good enough? That was one of the reasons I never really put forth a lot of effort to search. But I digress.

In a perfect world I think a semi-open adoption with guidelines set forth by the adoptive parents about contact would be ideal. It would protect the child, the rights of the adoptive parents, yet still provide information to the birth mom to (hopefully) ensure that it was the right decision.

Wuggums

I am also an adoptee of the 70's. As a kid, my parents told me everything they knew about my birth parents, which wasn't much. I remember whenever I'd be upset with my parents, I'd wish that my "real" mom would come and take me away - like some fairy godmother riding a white horse to take me to her castle and give me everything I could ever wish for. As a teenager, I struggled with abandonment issues and had no desire to meet the birth parents who didn't love me enough to keep me.

Then, I got pregnant and everything changed. I was still just a scared kid. When I was about 8 months pregnant and living with a friend, my parents called me and asked me to come over to the house. I was scared to death - I thought they had figured out that I was pregnant - a fact I was hiding from everyone. Turns out, they wanted to tell me that my birth parents had contacted them. My parents had talked to them and felt that they were good people. They were leaving me with the decision of whether I wanted to read the letter they had sent and contact them. My mom was a little worried that someone else would try to claim her role as "mom" - but both my birth mother and I reassured her that would never happen.

I truly believe that fate stepped in that day. Meeting my birth parents - who were still together all those years later - helped me decide that the best thing I could do for my son was place him for adoption. It helped me realize that it was not a decision made due to convenience or because I didn't love him enough to keep him. In fact, it was just the opposite - I loved him enough to realize that I couldn't take care of him on my own.

When we signed the adoption papers, we indicated that the adoptive parents could decide the amount of contact they wanted. If they decided to not have any contact, the records would be sealed until our son was 18 years old, then they would be open in case he wanted to find us. Fortunately, his parents wanted a very open adoption - which I was a little leery of at first - but it has been a blessing. Our son has known us as his birth parents since before he could walk or talk; and we've had the chance to share in so many special moments. We're the first ones he calls or emails when he has exciting news and we're looking forward to attending his high school graduation this summer.

After years of not wanting anything to do with my birth parents, I can now say that I am a huge proponent of open adoption!

_SusieQ_

OMG that made me cry! Thank you for sharing that.

mamapaints

I also advocate for open adoptions and I think that adoptees should have access to original birth certificates. In some states adoptees can access these, in most, they are locked. Open adoptions give answers to all parts of the triad.. bio and a-parents and also to the child who doesn't have to wonder why he/she was relinquished, who has access to medical info, who can see someone who may "look like him".

Open adoptions can vary greatly in level of openness; ie. what contact info is shared... is it just email addresses? Phone numbers? Address? Etc. Also number of visits/frequency that everyone gets together. Extended bio family involved or just first mom/first dad? Etc. Many times openness in a healthy relationship evolves and changes over time to suit the needs and desires of everyone. Sadly, some open adoptions become closed for one reason or another. Honesty and committment are key.

With my son's first mom, we have exchanged mailing and email addresses and though she does not reciprocate at this time, I know she appreciates the letters and pictures I snail mail and email to her. She is very quiet, shy, etc. We have made a committment to get together for a visit at least once a year (we live 4 hours apart). I have pictures of her and my son together displayed in his bedroom.

My daughter from Korea is the only one who does not have pictures of her first mom. This DOES make her sad and she wishes she had pictures or more information. She is only 5 but she expresses her desire to know more. She also wishes she could speak Korean. I have asked Holt (in Korea) now twice if her first mom has ever been in to collect the letters and pictures we've sent but I have not received a response. For whatever reason they are not being forthcoming with this info. Perhaps it is because it has to be from my daughter when she is an adult, I'm not sure.

Crystal817

My daughter from Korea is the only one who does not have pictures of her first mom. This DOES make her sad and she wishes she had pictures or more information. She is only 5 but she expresses her desire to know more. She also wishes she could speak Korean.

I think 5 would be a great age to start learning Korean! I wish a thousand times over that my parents had incorporated more Korean culture in my upbringing.

velarneyraptor

My daughter from Korea is the only one who does not have pictures of her first mom. This DOES make her sad and she wishes she had pictures or more information. She is only 5 but she expresses her desire to know more. She also wishes she could speak Korean.

I think 5 would be a great age to start learning Korean! I wish a thousand times over that my parents had incorporated more Korean culture in my upbringing.

My post is verging into off topic territory, and I apologise in retrospect...

^ I definitely agree with this. I had no real chance of it in the town where I lived, but at least now with the internet, maybe your daughter could get some pen pals in Korea and learn about the culture that way - I had a Korean pen pal for about 3 years when I was in the middle years of high school. We fell out of touch eventually, but I could ask her any questions about the culture or food and she was thrilled that someone was interested in it (Koreans are very proud of their country, culture and food!!).

It really helped me get a bit of insight about where I was from. All I ever really heard about was China and Japan - Korea is not really known about in Australia (some people know about the food). So I grew up essentially hating the fact that I was Korean - it would have been far cooler to be Japanese!! Korea seemed so lame... the only pictures I ever saw were of dilapidated houses and ugly apartments from the 80's (plus of course all the shrines and temples - which, to my mind, I'm ashamed to say "paled" in comparison to the Japanese), while Tokyo was all big new buildings, bright lights, technological advances, cool pop culture...

Another issue happened during high school where a class (I wasn't in it) was shown a documentary about the dog breeding and eating in Korea. Suddenly every kid in my year was asking me if I ate dog and thought Koreans were dirty. Of course, they neglected to mention that is nowhere near as common as they make it out to be, and certainly not practiced by the general population (frowned upon). I was embarrassed to be Korean for a while there. The problem with being visually different also means you can't just "blend in" - you're constantly reminded that you're different, but you know next to nothing about the place where you got your looks from. So it's just "bad" and not something to be proud of.

As I got older and the internet got better, I found that a lot of US troops and their wives started making web pages or blogs about their time in Korea. I started to get a sense of the place and saw some more recent photos. I eventually stumbled up some websites dedicated to Korean pop-culture. Today, it seems to be almost as popular as the Japanese pop-culture. I started to read about the history of Korea and began to feel proud of my ethnic heritage. I went on a trip to Korea last year with my adoptive family and it confirmed in my mind that I was really proud to be Korean. I enjoyed seeing all of the "old" stuff and felt a sense of national pride that the Koreans were so resilient after many wars, occupations and annexations. I came to appreciate the Korean culture (the older ladies get mad if you eat a food the wrong way - they come over and say "ahhhh! ahhh! and show you what to do - I think they're really serious about preserving all aspects of their culture! And food is important to them, like it is for most places) I finally got a "real" sense of where I was from, and since then, my self-esteem has really improved and I would say I am a happy person now.

I didn't intend for that to turn out so long But I hope maybe some of it is useful.





OHHHHH I wanted to add: I read some of your blog last night, and I thought it was great that you celebrate the national holidays of your kids' birth countries. That is something we never did. I like how open you are and the fact that the girls feel safe and comfortable talking to you and your husband about their adoption

mamapaints

Thanks guys. We live in a rural not-very-diverse area, but just a few miles away is an internationally known music and arts academy. (high school/boarding school). They have students from around the world who are studying there. I've been thinking of contacting the school and finding out if any of the Korean students would be interested in coming to have dinner with our family and maybe teaching us and our daughter more about Korean culture and language. I just have to think of how I could compensate them... maybe they would have ideas but maybe they would be too shy to say how they would like to be paid. Anyway, I've been meaning to do this and you guys are giving me the push. At some point I would also like to host an exchange student but right now we don't have the room in our little house.

My girls are both very proud of their birth countries (right now anyway) and we buy lots of books about Korea and Ethiopia and try to celebrate national holidays, etc. I've done *some* cooking, no doubt americanized a bit I'm sure, but the girls always enjoy when I do that.

totally off-topic but have you gals seen "The Kimchi Chronicles" It's a cooking show and it's all Korean food/cooking. They don't air it here, but I was thinking about ordering the whole first season. There is also a cookbook by the same name.

http://aptvs.org/catalog.nsf/vLinkTitle/KIMCHI+CHRONICLES

mamapaints

I had a post and then somehow deleted it; I'll start a new topic!

Qarol

When we signed the adoption papers, we indicated that the adoptive parents could decide the amount of contact they wanted. If they decided to not have any contact, the records would be sealed until our son was 18 years old, then they would be open in case he wanted to find us.

I think this sounds the most logical and fair.

mamapaints

When we signed the adoption papers, we indicated that the adoptive parents could decide the amount of contact they wanted. If they decided to not have any contact, the records would be sealed until our son was 18 years old, then they would be open in case he wanted to find us.

I think this sounds the most logical and fair.

I think expectant moms often feel pressured to just do whatever the adoptive parents want, but I think when it comes to adoption and allowing someone else to parent and raise your child, I think both parties should agree on terms ahead of time. If a-parents want a closed adoption then they need to be matched w/ an expectant parent that also desires that. If an expectant parent wants to be able to visit w/ the child they relinquish, etc. then they should be able to be matched with a-parents that are also wanting an open adoption. If the child at any time becomes uncomfortable w/ visits, etc, then the child shouldn't be forced IMO, but at that point the a-parents should still keep lines of communication open w/ first parents. I've talked to waaaay too many precious first moms who have been wounded deeply by a-parents not willing to keep in touch, even after agreeing to an open plan.

velarneyraptor

When we signed the adoption papers, we indicated that the adoptive parents could decide the amount of contact they wanted. If they decided to not have any contact, the records would be sealed until our son was 18 years old, then they would be open in case he wanted to find us.

I think this sounds the most logical and fair.

I think expectant moms often feel pressured to just do whatever the adoptive parents want, but I think when it comes to adoption and allowing someone else to parent and raise your child, I think both parties should agree on terms ahead of time. If a-parents want a closed adoption then they need to be matched w/ an expectant parent that also desires that. If an expectant parent wants to be able to visit w/ the child they relinquish, etc. then they should be able to be matched with a-parents that are also wanting an open adoption. If the child at any time becomes uncomfortable w/ visits, etc, then the child shouldn't be forced IMO, but at that point the a-parents should still keep lines of communication open w/ first parents. I've talked to waaaay too many precious first moms who have been wounded deeply by a-parents not willing to keep in touch, even after agreeing to an open plan.

I agree with this too. It just puts the child and families through alot of unnecessary pain if both sets of parents can't come to an agreement. I think the parents should agree to a plan and then ultimately let the child decided if and when he/she is ready to open, or maintain communication when they are older.