Things that bug me

_SusieQ_

Maybe it's only me, or maybe other adoptees can relate. But something happened yesterday that made me think of things that people say or things I've heard/seen that get under my skin.

-the idea that blood means family. A comment was made on the boards yesterday about relatives and Thanksgiving. One girl was talking about her creepy cousin then said "he's adopted, but it's still creepy". Sooooooo, if you shared blood that makes it creepier somehow?? Family is made up of a lot more than blood relation.

-The movie The Royal Tenenbaums is a good example of the above. Margot and Richie "share their secret love and a kiss" and no one freaks out b/c, well, she's adopted. SERIOUSLY?

-I have been going to my current doctor for probably 20 years, yet every year it seems I get the questions to "update their files" about medical history. 1) is there no way to make a note in my file that I am adopted and do not know? and 2) please don't give me the sympathetic head dip when I have to repeat this for the 19th time.

-the sympathetic eye or head dip when you tell someone you are adopted. Really, what is there to be sympathetic about?? My parents went to a lot of trouble to get me, what did yours do??

-Constantly being asked "do you know your real parents?" I understand that people outside of adoption may not know the terminology that is common, but the folks who raise me ARE my real parents.

-Articles or "news" reports about celebrities that insist on mentioning So-and-so's ADOPTED son/daughter. Why the need to clarify?

Again, maybe I am the only one who gets peeved about it, and some may read this and think I am oversensitive. You are free to think that, but please don't dare try and tell me why I shouldn't feel offended or affronted about certain topics. That's like telling an overweight person that shouldn't be offended to be called fat, or a person of different ethnicity they shouldn't be offended by racial slurs. It matters to ME and to me that's all that matters.

*edited to add, part of my issue with what happened on the boards yesterday is someone chimed in that she had adopted children and she wasn't offended by what was written, and that some people just looked for things to be offended by. So that was a double whammy to me. I realize as an adopted mom she may be more sympathetic (though obviously not HERE), but it's still not the same as living in the shoes of your adopted child.

*rant over*

parys1

These things also bug me. A lot. I truly dislike the qualifier "adopted" son/daughter used in the media. Once they are adopted, they are the son/daughter.

One of my favourite authors, Iris Johansen, has a series that has the main character, Eve, searching for the remains of her missing daughter, Bonnie. Through the course of the series, she adopted an orphaned girl, Jane. Now, years later in their relationship, Eve always refers to Jane as "my adopted daughter". Always. It really bothers me.

I remember when I was growing up and having friends think that because I was adopted, I was spoiled and given everything I wanted. Nope.

When my son was first diagnosed as having a hearing impairment, we were sent to a genetics clinic. At the time, I was not particularly helpful as I knew nothing about my bfamily. (I have since learned that there is a LOT of hearing loss in my bfam).

Offhand comments by most people. Often, while I was growing up, people would tell mom that I looked just like her - she was self-conscious about her looks, she actually feels she is ugly (not true) and thought it was an insult to me (I, on the other hand, loved these comments) - so she would say there is no way I look like her as I am adopted. She meant it as a compliment, but it still hurt.

Now, getting to know my bfam, they have such an offhand closeness that they take it for granted that I feel a part of it. It's a bit slower on my side. I still feel the odd one out, even though I did feel an immediate bonding with everyone barring my bmom (I was slower warming to her as I feared hurting or being disloyal to my mom).

There should be no difference between adopted children and blood children - there absolutely should be an ick factor - it's mental incest if not strictly biological.

velarneyraptor

Wow, I totally agree with both of you.

One of my pet peeves is "Wow, you should be grateful/thankful that you were adopted".

The oddest comment I got was "Oh, you and your mother have a strong resemblance." Bearing in mind that I am adopted from Korea and she is of English descent. LOL.

Amaalaa

ha! you have every reason to be offended. I get offended at those remarks and I'm a birth mom!
Saying kids are adopted when talking about their story is one thing but always saying "my adopted child" makes me think that they are less than the biological child. You adopted them, you raised them they are your children.

The *only* thing on your list that I tend to do is ask about your "birth families/ first mothers" but that is because it really intrigues me and I am a birth/first mom. We ALL are the child's real/natural parents though. We are not fake people, we are not unnatural. We all had a part in the life of that child. Now the tittle of mom goes to the one who cares for the child, but both moms can have that title. There are mom's out there raising their biological child who don't deserve the title of mom.
I ALWAYS get left out/down graded when certain types of people find out I placed my daughter for adoption. That I'm no longer a mom. Yeah legal I'm not their mother anymore but that doesn't make me any less of a mom. My parenting choice was to give her what I thought would be a better life, with or without me.
I also get viewed as a drug-user/prostitute/scheming to steal my baby back type of person when They hear I am a birthmom.

mamapaints

ha! you have every reason to be offended. I get offended at those remarks and I'm a birth mom!
Saying kids are adopted when talking about their story is one thing but always saying "my adopted child" makes me think that they are less than the biological child. You adopted them, you raised them they are your children.

The *only* thing on your list that I tend to do is ask about your "birth families/ first mothers" but that is because it really intrigues me and I am a birth/first mom. We ALL are the child's real/natural parents though. We are not fake people, we are not unnatural. We all had a part in the life of that child. Now the tittle of mom goes to the one who cares for the child, but both moms can have that title. There are mom's out there raising their biological child who don't deserve the title of mom.
I ALWAYS get left out/down graded when certain types of people find out I placed my daughter for adoption. That I'm no longer a mom. Yeah legal I'm not their mother anymore but that doesn't make me any less of a mom. My parenting choice was to give her what I thought would be a better life, with or without me.
I also get viewed as a drug-user/prostitute/scheming to steal my baby back type of person when They hear I am a birthmom.

I agree with you! I get sooo aggravated w/ the stereotypes of first moms. You don't stop being a mom just because you placed your baby for adoption; no one can strip that title away from you!

Heidi64

I agree with all your points, especially the media one. What a way to make a child feel like the outsider. Not sure if this came in a later post, but I hate that my mom always said "I love you as if you were my own". She would also go on rants about how it was my father's fault she couldn't have her own child, did everything she could so she could have her own child. Left a funny feeling in me when I was a kid, but now I understand I felt inadequate. Two years ago my mother said to my 20 year old daughter that my daughter didn't love her "because she wasn't her real grandmother". I think my mom really had some hang ups regarding the whole adoption thing.

_SusieQ_

ha! you have every reason to be offended. I get offended at those remarks and I'm a birth mom!
Saying kids are adopted when talking about their story is one thing but always saying "my adopted child" makes me think that they are less than the biological child. You adopted them, you raised them they are your children.

The *only* thing on your list that I tend to do is ask about your "birth families/ first mothers" but that is because it really intrigues me and I am a birth/first mom. We ALL are the child's real/natural parents though. We are not fake people, we are not unnatural. We all had a part in the life of that child. Now the tittle of mom goes to the one who cares for the child, but both moms can have that title. There are mom's out there raising their biological child who don't deserve the title of mom.
I ALWAYS get left out/down graded when certain types of people find out I placed my daughter for adoption. That I'm no longer a mom. Yeah legal I'm not their mother anymore but that doesn't make me any less of a mom. My parenting choice was to give her what I thought would be a better life, with or without me.
I also get viewed as a drug-user/prostitute/scheming to steal my baby back type of person when They hear I am a birthmom.

This makes me angry, that people would ever think that. I personally feel like allowing your child to be given to a another family to raise is the most selfLESS thing a woman could do. You are so very much a mom, even if your child is not in your life or raised by you. I have a lot of respect for women who make this choice, and am sorry you ever feel/felt like this! And I thank you for telling this and giving another perspective on here.

_SusieQ_

I agree with all your points, especially the media one. What a way to make a child feel like the outsider. Not sure if this came in a later post, but I hate that my mom always said "I love you as if you were my own". She would also go on rants about how it was my father's fault she couldn't have her own child, did everything she could so she could have her own child. Left a funny feeling in me when I was a kid, but now I understand I felt inadequate. Two years ago my mother said to my 20 year old daughter that my daughter didn't love her "because she wasn't her real grandmother". I think my mom really had some hang ups regarding the whole adoption thing.

Oh man, I am so sorry for this for you. I can't imagine hearing those words. My parents, and especially my mom, never made any distinction. In fact, I have caught my mom saying things like "when I had you/your sister .....". And it was my father who was "shooting blanks" so to speak, yet my mom never put any kind of guilty/pressure/blame on him about it. It just was the way things were.