Christmas and bfamilies

Regmama

For those with relationships with bfamilies (whether you're an adoptee or aparent) how do you go about the holidays? This is my first year where I am incorporating another family in my destinations.

_SusieQ_

I have not found mine yet, but my sister has so I suppose I can comment about what she did. The first year or two after she met bdad (bmom lives out of town and is a bit of a nutjob) she would go to his house and see him over the holidays. Then he actually became friends with my dad (our adad) and we ended up inviting him and his family over and having one big family Christmas dinner with presents, etc. The last year or so she has had a bit of a falling out, so last year it was just our little nuclear family.

Not sure how much that helped, but that's my experience. Good luck, and I hope you get good responses!

parys1

Due to distance, my bfamily and afamily don't generally celebrate together. That said, my bsister (full sib, no less) and her new baby are in town and will be spending the night tomorrow :smooched: We went Christmas shopping together on Monday and it was lovely.
Any and all of my bfam would be welcome at my home for Christmas or any other holiday. One of my bbros (another full sib) brought his son and SO to spend Easter with us this past spring - my bnephew and my kids all hit it off so beautifully that the bnephew spent the night at our place. I know that we (my husband, kids, mom and dad) would be welcome to spend any part of the holidays with them. Right from the beginning, my experience has been an awful lot like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie - they are all my family, a and b alike. Life is good.

mamapaints

Due to distance, my bfamily and afamily don't generally celebrate together. That said, my bsister (full sib, no less) and her new baby are in town and will be spending the night tomorrow :smooched: We went Christmas shopping together on Monday and it was lovely.
Any and all of my bfam would be welcome at my home for Christmas or any other holiday. One of my bbros (another full sib) brought his son and SO to spend Easter with us this past spring - my bnephew and my kids all hit it off so beautifully that the bnephew spent the night at our place. I know that we (my husband, kids, mom and dad) would be welcome to spend any part of the holidays with them. Right from the beginning, my experience has been an awful lot like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie - they are all my family, a and b alike. Life is good.

I love this... you are so lucky to have this experience!

parys1

I am, I believe, one of the luckiest people I know. I have been blessed.

Due to distance, my bfamily and afamily don't generally celebrate together. That said, my bsister (full sib, no less) and her new baby are in town and will be spending the night tomorrow :smooched: We went Christmas shopping together on Monday and it was lovely.
Any and all of my bfam would be welcome at my home for Christmas or any other holiday. One of my bbros (another full sib) brought his son and SO to spend Easter with us this past spring - my bnephew and my kids all hit it off so beautifully that the bnephew spent the night at our place. I know that we (my husband, kids, mom and dad) would be welcome to spend any part of the holidays with them. Right from the beginning, my experience has been an awful lot like a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie - they are all my family, a and b alike. Life is good.

I love this... you are so lucky to have this experience!

Qarol

We never really see my brother at the holidays. He has his family, and his wife's family. In 2008, I was working really hard at building a relationship with his wife. Calling her often. Trying to plan get-togethers. We went to visit on the 26th, while my husband and I were in town visiting my mom. (Yep, they live in the same town, now. But she hardly ever sees him...because of this not-so-nice wife of his who likes to control every minute of his day. And truth be told, I think she holds a grudge against my mom for giving my brother up for adoption. She's made several callous comments over the years.)

Regmama

We never really see my brother at the holidays. He has his family, and his wife's family. In 2008, I was working really hard at building a relationship with his wife. Calling her often. Trying to plan get-togethers. We went to visit on the 26th, while my husband and I were in town visiting my mom. (Yep, they live in the same town, now. But she hardly ever sees him...because of this not-so-nice wife of his who likes to control every minute of his day. And truth be told, I think she holds a grudge against my mom for giving my brother up for adoption. She's made several callous comments over the years.)

I think that those who weren't adopted are very protective of their spouses/s.o. who were and have met their bfamilies. I know that my husband really tries to understand all the emotions I go through in regards to all of my families from being supportive to questioning why I want to be involved with my bfamily. I am very patient in trying to explain it all to him but really, unless one has lived through it, they cannot understand.

Also, in regards to bfamilies, because they weren't the "adopted" one they don't understand all the internal struggle that go on inside the adoptees head. We have a lot of people we are trying to please, have grown up denying our own feelings regarding all of it, and frankly, reunion is EXHAUSTING emotionally. Your brother may just be at a point where he needs an emotional break, not that he's trying to be mean, he just wants something "normal" and "comfortable" right now. My only advice is don't try to force things, just send cards or notes every once-in-a-while letting him know that you're thinking of him, or a vm, or a text, or an email.

parys1

We never really see my brother at the holidays. He has his family, and his wife's family. In 2008, I was working really hard at building a relationship with his wife. Calling her often. Trying to plan get-togethers. We went to visit on the 26th, while my husband and I were in town visiting my mom. (Yep, they live in the same town, now. But she hardly ever sees him...because of this not-so-nice wife of his who likes to control every minute of his day. And truth be told, I think she holds a grudge against my mom for giving my brother up for adoption. She's made several callous comments over the years.)

I think that those who weren't adopted are very protective of their spouses/s.o. who were and have met their bfamilies. I know that my husband really tries to understand all the emotions I go through in regards to all of my families from being supportive to questioning why I want to be involved with my bfamily. I am very patient in trying to explain it all to him but really, unless one has lived through it, they cannot understand.

Also, in regards to bfamilies, because they weren't the "adopted" one they don't understand all the internal struggle that go on inside the adoptees head. We have a lot of people we are trying to please, have grown up denying our own feelings regarding all of it, and frankly, reunion is EXHAUSTING emotionally. Your brother may just be at a point where he needs an emotional break, not that he's trying to be mean, he just wants something "normal" and "comfortable" right now. My only advice is don't try to force things, just send cards or notes every once-in-a-while letting him know that you're thinking of him, or a vm, or a text, or an email.

I agree with the potential protectiveness. Also, Qarol, does your brother and his wife have children of their own? I've found that having my own children made a huge difference in how I viewed my birth mother. It was a good thing that my bfam didn't find me until I had had children of my own. My empathy towards my bmom was greatly increased when I truly realized the magnitude of her sacrifice and I think it otherwise would have been a much rockier reunion. I will be forever grateful to her for the life I was able to have with my afam.

I also understand the internal struggle that goes on within the adoptee and the exhaustion. I've had a wonderful experience with my bfamily, but I still experience feelings of being overwhelmed, confused and exhausted. As Regmama suggests, letting him know you're thinking of him and there for him. He is lucky to have you there, waiting for a relationship for him - hopefully, you won't have too long to wait.