I'm just going to say it
SparksFly460
Posts: 258
I BINGED again. I can pretend and say..."oh well I just went a little over"....or..."it wasn't emotional or stress induced so it doesn't count"...I binged this past Sunday night.
I didn't TRULY realize (meaning I turned a blind eye) until the day after....and only now I am admitting it to myself.
As i was finishing up my 12 hour shift at work this past Sunday, everything was on track. Went through my breakfast, snack & lunch, no problem....then a box of wheat thins started screaming my name from the corner of the office. I work alone in the office on the weekends, so I shamelessly grabbed it and munched away.
"Oh I'll just have one serving"
"These are good, I'll have another"
"Well there's only a few left"
"...a box of wheat thins REALLY isnt that filling" ((ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:noway: ))
So I get home. Totally turned my cheek the other way as to what happened.
BF & I watch the Giants game and I cut up some cheese and crackers (MORE WHEAT THINS) to snack on while I prep dinner. Instead of my usual healthy homemade stuff....I pull out the fried calamari, fish sticks, french fries and pizza rolls, all while announcing (more so to myself) that we're having 'game day food'.
Later on I broke out the Oreo cookies. I stuck to three as I was embarrassed to wolf down as many as I really wanted (first tell-tale sign of a binge, shame of whats going into your mouth & shame of how much you want to shovel in)
At around midnight my bf suggests we head to bed since it's getting late. I find myself saying "I'm a bit wired, go ahead, I'll wind down and be there in a bit"...
I WAS tired, but my mind was screaming for another cookie or two or three.
So he goes to bed. And I grabbed two cookies, sat in front of the tv and ate them. Grabbed another. Then a pack of chocolate covered blueberries. Then another cookie. I heard him stirring and he came to the living room to check on me (it was after 1am at that point!) and I say "why are you up. It's late babe"...all while clicking around on my phone, playing some game.
He slumps back into bed and I go into the pantry for granola (not before waiting a bit till he falls asleep). Then I decide I want MILK....oh why not make it a bowl of cereal. Finally...the full feeling we ignore so well while continuing to binge rears it's head and I feel HORRIBLE. So I slump my way to bed. It was 2:30 in the morning by then.
My boyfriend opens one eye and says "what the hell where you doing out there? Why didn't you come to bed earlier?"
I say "I told you I couldn't sleep, just wanted to watch TV until I got tired"....all while there is a tv in the bedroom....
I fell asleep feeling ashamed and angry.
I usually wake up when my bf leaves for work in the morning, at least long enough to kiss him goodbye and chat for a few minutes. That morning, nothing. I woke up 45 minutes AFTER he already left.
I made my way to spin class that morning, feeling bloated and miserable.
I text him mid morning asking him why he didn't wake me to say goodbye....asking why he was so short with me last night. So he calls me back and says "You always come to bed with me. And if you stay out for a bit longer, it's never for nearly three hours. And when I go to check on you, you're on the phone texting or something and then you shoo me back into the bedroom. I felt jealous, pushed away and ignored" VERBATIM: "jealous, pushed away & ignored"
THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.
My stupid secret binging....resulted in making my bf feel like I was ignoring him...pushing him away....like I was being secretive so I can text another guy. Now we he a secure relationship....this is one of the probably three times that he got insecure about who I was talking to (again, I was just playing a game on my iphone).
I started crying. Partially hurt because he know how much I love him and I was angry he'd think Id be sneaking around on the phone with another guy in the middle of the night (I see his point of view in this...it did look suspicious) and partially because this BINGING put a huge wedge between us that night.
Now he knows I struggled with anorexia. He's helped me recover the last time I relapsed badly enough to have threats of a hospitalization. But he has NO clue of the binge eating. I don't have any desire to share it with him. It's one of those thing that literally....ONLY my therapist (and you guys) know about. No one else in physical proximity knows. Never did. Never will.
Now my binging has gotten a lot better. My recent worst was around this time last year....about January through May. Very stressful, I was trying to find a place to live since my roommates and I were disbanding, I had problems with my family, ect. Since my boyfriend and I moved in together in late June...things turned around big time. I felt in control of my life. Things felt safe, secure and somewhat predictable. I maybe binged a few times. No where near as badly as I use to (which use to be 7000+ calories, and binges that would last for DAYS). Now maybe I'd lose control here or there, overindulge or something. "Minor" binges as I called them. Nothing that ever bogged me down.
But this Sunday, killed me inside. I don't want this disorder affecting my relationship. It use to be easy to binge and go to bed when I lived with roommates. Not answer to anyone. Now I have him...and I push him aside for this sickness...so I can fill some void.
I'm more disgusted with myself for how it's affected us than what I put in my mouth.
So that's my admission. I binged.....:grumble:
I didn't TRULY realize (meaning I turned a blind eye) until the day after....and only now I am admitting it to myself.
As i was finishing up my 12 hour shift at work this past Sunday, everything was on track. Went through my breakfast, snack & lunch, no problem....then a box of wheat thins started screaming my name from the corner of the office. I work alone in the office on the weekends, so I shamelessly grabbed it and munched away.
"Oh I'll just have one serving"
"These are good, I'll have another"
"Well there's only a few left"
"...a box of wheat thins REALLY isnt that filling" ((ARE YOU KIDDING ME?:noway: ))
So I get home. Totally turned my cheek the other way as to what happened.
BF & I watch the Giants game and I cut up some cheese and crackers (MORE WHEAT THINS) to snack on while I prep dinner. Instead of my usual healthy homemade stuff....I pull out the fried calamari, fish sticks, french fries and pizza rolls, all while announcing (more so to myself) that we're having 'game day food'.
Later on I broke out the Oreo cookies. I stuck to three as I was embarrassed to wolf down as many as I really wanted (first tell-tale sign of a binge, shame of whats going into your mouth & shame of how much you want to shovel in)
At around midnight my bf suggests we head to bed since it's getting late. I find myself saying "I'm a bit wired, go ahead, I'll wind down and be there in a bit"...
I WAS tired, but my mind was screaming for another cookie or two or three.
So he goes to bed. And I grabbed two cookies, sat in front of the tv and ate them. Grabbed another. Then a pack of chocolate covered blueberries. Then another cookie. I heard him stirring and he came to the living room to check on me (it was after 1am at that point!) and I say "why are you up. It's late babe"...all while clicking around on my phone, playing some game.
He slumps back into bed and I go into the pantry for granola (not before waiting a bit till he falls asleep). Then I decide I want MILK....oh why not make it a bowl of cereal. Finally...the full feeling we ignore so well while continuing to binge rears it's head and I feel HORRIBLE. So I slump my way to bed. It was 2:30 in the morning by then.
My boyfriend opens one eye and says "what the hell where you doing out there? Why didn't you come to bed earlier?"
I say "I told you I couldn't sleep, just wanted to watch TV until I got tired"....all while there is a tv in the bedroom....
I fell asleep feeling ashamed and angry.
I usually wake up when my bf leaves for work in the morning, at least long enough to kiss him goodbye and chat for a few minutes. That morning, nothing. I woke up 45 minutes AFTER he already left.
I made my way to spin class that morning, feeling bloated and miserable.
I text him mid morning asking him why he didn't wake me to say goodbye....asking why he was so short with me last night. So he calls me back and says "You always come to bed with me. And if you stay out for a bit longer, it's never for nearly three hours. And when I go to check on you, you're on the phone texting or something and then you shoo me back into the bedroom. I felt jealous, pushed away and ignored" VERBATIM: "jealous, pushed away & ignored"
THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.
My stupid secret binging....resulted in making my bf feel like I was ignoring him...pushing him away....like I was being secretive so I can text another guy. Now we he a secure relationship....this is one of the probably three times that he got insecure about who I was talking to (again, I was just playing a game on my iphone).
I started crying. Partially hurt because he know how much I love him and I was angry he'd think Id be sneaking around on the phone with another guy in the middle of the night (I see his point of view in this...it did look suspicious) and partially because this BINGING put a huge wedge between us that night.
Now he knows I struggled with anorexia. He's helped me recover the last time I relapsed badly enough to have threats of a hospitalization. But he has NO clue of the binge eating. I don't have any desire to share it with him. It's one of those thing that literally....ONLY my therapist (and you guys) know about. No one else in physical proximity knows. Never did. Never will.
Now my binging has gotten a lot better. My recent worst was around this time last year....about January through May. Very stressful, I was trying to find a place to live since my roommates and I were disbanding, I had problems with my family, ect. Since my boyfriend and I moved in together in late June...things turned around big time. I felt in control of my life. Things felt safe, secure and somewhat predictable. I maybe binged a few times. No where near as badly as I use to (which use to be 7000+ calories, and binges that would last for DAYS). Now maybe I'd lose control here or there, overindulge or something. "Minor" binges as I called them. Nothing that ever bogged me down.
But this Sunday, killed me inside. I don't want this disorder affecting my relationship. It use to be easy to binge and go to bed when I lived with roommates. Not answer to anyone. Now I have him...and I push him aside for this sickness...so I can fill some void.
I'm more disgusted with myself for how it's affected us than what I put in my mouth.
So that's my admission. I binged.....:grumble:
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Replies
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Thank you for sharing. I read the entire thing. We are now broken up, but I now also know that my bingeing was hindering our relationship.0
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Well done for admitting it. All I can say is I know how awful you feel.I feel shame every time and while I'm single so don't have a partner to worry about in terms of him finding out/thinking less of me, I'm blessed with amazing friends, a couple of whom I've 'come out' to. They were understanding and wonderful, and if your boyfriend's been those things re the anorexia thing, I'd tell him. I had a similar fear in telling my father who I hardly know, and I really think it brought us closer together, and in your situation, it may do that AND put his mind at ease that you're not cheating or whatever. It's part of you, he loves you, he'll want to help, I'm sure. XXX0
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