Dating/Relationship Anxiety?
thecarbmonster
Posts: 411 Member
Does anyone else suffer from this? I sike myself out so bad I either do not try at all or when I get a date I over-think and freak out. I get this tightness in my stomach and I start thinking about moving too fast in the relationship and not having control or something. I've been on a few dates and never been in a relationship longer than a few weeks.
I think it's mainly due to growing up without a man in the house (my dad passed away when I was little and my mom had never even thought of dating again). My sister, who's older than me, has also never dated. In my life, I've never "needed a man" because I had my family. To me it's weird that people WANT a boyfriend or relationship so much because I've always tried to avoid it. I'm sure that part of why I've tried to avoid it is because I've always been very overweight and never got much positive attention from guys. Nowadays, whenever I've tried to date in the past I get naked pics before I even meet them in person lol.
I have a date this Sunday with a very great potential guy. But of course, I'm already freaking out. The last time I tried dating was back in October and I think I gave the guy so many mixed signals and spent so much time avoiding him/seeing him, he eventually never called me again.
I'm just wondering if anybody knows how to deal with this type of anxiety? I wish there was a book or some kind of subliminal message for people to get over this lol.
Thanks everyone
I think it's mainly due to growing up without a man in the house (my dad passed away when I was little and my mom had never even thought of dating again). My sister, who's older than me, has also never dated. In my life, I've never "needed a man" because I had my family. To me it's weird that people WANT a boyfriend or relationship so much because I've always tried to avoid it. I'm sure that part of why I've tried to avoid it is because I've always been very overweight and never got much positive attention from guys. Nowadays, whenever I've tried to date in the past I get naked pics before I even meet them in person lol.
I have a date this Sunday with a very great potential guy. But of course, I'm already freaking out. The last time I tried dating was back in October and I think I gave the guy so many mixed signals and spent so much time avoiding him/seeing him, he eventually never called me again.
I'm just wondering if anybody knows how to deal with this type of anxiety? I wish there was a book or some kind of subliminal message for people to get over this lol.
Thanks everyone
0
Replies
-
Every single time. And, I was very lucky to have a great dad. I think it is more about our own insecurities and fears than anything else. I wish I had some advice but I don't. Just remember that you are incredible and worthy! It is up for them to meet your standards, not the other way around.
0 -
Oh God yes!!
In my case, it's from insecurities plus going through a divorce with an unfaithful ex.
I read this somewhere else.. a lot of us go on dates as an applicant. Will HE like ME? What will HE think of ME? I need to impress HIM...
We should be going as the interviewer, so to speak. Will I like HIM? What do I think of HIM?
This is how I know I'm not ready to seriously date right now. I need to get myself to a place of 100% confidence and truly, truly believe that I AM the catch.0 -
I have anxiety about it, but I think that I want a relationship. Of course though when a guy talks to me I freak out. I definitely think you could use the advice of a counselor if you are having a lot of anxiety about it.0
-
Oh God yes!!
In my case, it's from insecurities plus going through a divorce with an unfaithful ex.
I read this somewhere else.. a lot of us go on dates as an applicant. Will HE like ME? What will HE think of ME? I need to impress HIM...
We should be going as the interviewer, so to speak. Will I like HIM? What do I think of HIM?
This is how I know I'm not ready to seriously date right now. I need to get myself to a place of 100% confidence and truly, truly believe that I AM the catch.
EXACTLY!!!! This needs to be our mantra!0 -
I think some degree of anxiety in the early stages of dating is normal. If you're not feeling that, you're not alive.
The OP's anxiety seems a bit excessive. There are many ways to solve problems.
I am looking forward to my next date.0 -
^^^^^^truly, truly believe that I AM the catch.
This!0 -
I have it now, but I think it's more from being out of practice...I've had like two dates in the past 2 years...haven't had a serious relationship in about 8 years.
I wish I had advice for you, but all I can tell myself (and anyone else dealing with this) is just get out there and be yourself...it'll get easier 0 -
Yes, over thinking things and having some anxiety is normal. Just don't let it hold you back from what you want out of a relationship - or settle for anything less than you deserve!0
-
Hearing that people who have been in LTRs still have dating anxiety is actually pretty helpful! I feel like I'm already so behind the 8-ball because my cousins in high school have had more boyfriends and "serious" relationships than I've had at 26 lol.
I love your points about becoming the interviewer. A lot of times I notice myself always apologizing or trying to explain myself (in all aspects of life, not just dating). I took a lot of conscious effort in my initial interactions (online) with this new guy to just be who I am without any apologies. That is what I usually admire about confident people- they don't look back, they make a stand and hold it. I laid out what I wanted instead of the "standardized replies that will will guarantee 2-3 more weeks of interest" lol. Seems so simple, but I thought if I didn't do everything "right" I would mess it all up.
I think I also go into a simple first date thinking I'm interviewing for a life partner lol. I have not seen a date as something enjoyable, but rather a job interview. I also overthink it because I'm automatically trying to find something to weed him out instead of just getting to know all of him before cutting him off.
So my date this weekend is actually pretty exciting in that he took all the things I said I like to do and he crafted a date around it. It's not the typical dinner and movie, but walking around DC and the museums. Even in asking me out, he showed such a cute, considerate side that I feel more relaxed and "in control", which I think cause the anxiety in other situations. All in all, I think this is going to be a great first date.0 -
I think I also go into a simple first date thinking I'm interviewing for a life partner lol. I have not seen a date as something enjoyable, but rather a job interview. I also overthink it because I'm automatically trying to find something to weed him out instead of just getting to know all of him before cutting him off.
Haha I do this too. I haven't been on a 1st date in a bit over a month though but yes, I'm familiar with this. Women tend to start fantasizing about a relationship very early on in the dating process.
If you've never checked out the website baggage reclaim, do so! It's awesome and gives great advice on dating and relationships.. especially for women.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/0 -
My advice to everyone, just be yourself, no pretense, no putting on a show. Let you shine through, faults and all. Trust me on this one!0
-
I've done this many times in the past, but I've found that when you meet the right one all of that goes out the window and you don't feel like you're interviewing anymore, you just feel very comfortable.I think I also go into a simple first date thinking I'm interviewing for a life partner lol. I have not seen a date as something enjoyable, but rather a job interview.
Very good advice. :flowerforyou:My advice to everyone, just be yourself, no pretense, no putting on a show. Let you shine through, faults and all. Trust me on this one!0 -
At least you've got a date :sad:
Anyway... One good thing to do (I find) is to imagine you are seeing a friend. Try to put in your mind that you are actually going to talk to a friend, and talk to the person as if they were a friend (a friend that you haven't seen in, say, 6 months - so you've got lots of things to say to them and catch up on!).
This generally helps relaxing, and also this way you're not thinking long term, you don't do the job interview thing (so irritating!), and worst comes to worst, you guys might end up friends (not always but can happen).0 -
So my date this weekend is actually pretty exciting in that he took all the things I said I like to do and he crafted a date around it. It's not the typical dinner and movie, but walking around DC and the museums. Even in asking me out, he showed such a cute, considerate side that I feel more relaxed and "in control", which I think cause the anxiety in other situations. All in all, I think this is going to be a great first date.
The fact that he put so much thought into the date says a lot about him already. Even if it isn't a love match, you'll probably have a great time. And the fact that you're going to be doing an activity (as opposed to just dinner or coffee) means you'll have more to talk about based on what you're doing or seeing. Keep us posted!0 -
Oh God yes!!
In my case, it's from insecurities plus going through a divorce with an unfaithful ex.
I read this somewhere else.. a lot of us go on dates as an applicant. Will HE like ME? What will HE think of ME? I need to impress HIM...
We should be going as the interviewer, so to speak. Will I like HIM? What do I think of HIM?
This is how I know I'm not ready to seriously date right now. I need to get myself to a place of 100% confidence and truly, truly believe that I AM the catch.
Yes!! I just figured that out myself!
Sounds so simple, but...0 -
Does anyone else suffer from this? I sike myself out so bad I either do not try at all or when I get a date I over-think and freak out. I get this tightness in my stomach and I start thinking about moving too fast in the relationship and not having control or something. I've been on a few dates and never been in a relationship longer than a few weeks.
I think it's mainly due to growing up without a man in the house (my dad passed away when I was little and my mom had never even thought of dating again). My sister, who's older than me, has also never dated. In my life, I've never "needed a man" because I had my family. To me it's weird that people WANT a boyfriend or relationship so much because I've always tried to avoid it. I'm sure that part of why I've tried to avoid it is because I've always been very overweight and never got much positive attention from guys. Nowadays, whenever I've tried to date in the past I get naked pics before I even meet them in person lol.
I have a date this Sunday with a very great potential guy. But of course, I'm already freaking out. The last time I tried dating was back in October and I think I gave the guy so many mixed signals and spent so much time avoiding him/seeing him, he eventually never called me again.
I'm just wondering if anybody knows how to deal with this type of anxiety? I wish there was a book or some kind of subliminal message for people to get over this lol.
Thanks everyone
no books or messages. you're not alone. consider two things....
1) you're already on the date. therefore, he accepted your invitation or you accepted his. hence, there is mutual interest.
2) he's just as nervous/anxious as you.
now...enjoy the moment you're in. do not live in the past and do not live in the future. live in this moment. take deep breaths and become present to where you are now. it's a date.... :flowerforyou: .... not a competition.
Have a great time!0 -
Update: Got stood up! I didn't reply to his text the night before just saying "Can't wait to see you tomorrow. See you at 9:30" since I had already confirmed with him twice before this. So up until 12 hours before the date everything was fine. The worst part of getting stood up is that I woke up at 7:15am after going out the night before, rushed to get ready to leave before 8:30am to get to the metro an hour away by 9:30am.
So I'm not sure I understand what happened between the night before and that morning besides not responding to the one text. I'm not so concerned by it either. I was actually relieved. The only thing bumming me out is the "no closure" part, like not knowing what broke the deal. But at least it wasn't AFTER he actually met me because then it would a lot worse lol.0 -
Sorry to hear that. What an inconvenience!! NEXT!
I decided to try out the whole interviewer vs applicant last night.
I had a 1st date yesterday. I was cool and collected until 30 minutes before then my heart started thumping and I was getting sweaty.. not in a good way haha.
BUT I decided to go in as the interviewer (ahem) and hello? I'm the CATCH. Plus I looked hot which always helps boost the confidence. And when I say "interviewer" I don't mean it in a way where it's professional and cold.. not at all. But it's more where I'm talking, asking, smiling, laughing, CONFIDENT, trying to get to know HIM and whether he is someone I want to get to know better VS being quiet, nervous, insecure, and hoping he'll choose ME.
It went well. I think he was more nervous than I was. Actually he texted me before dinner and told me he was nervous about it which I replied there was no pressure and we will have a good time. Yeah, I was giving HIM a pep talk. Then apparently his mood caught up with me.
All in all, it was a good dinner. We giggled a couple of times because we could both tell we were thinking of what else to ask or say. Gotta love 1st dates.
We hugged and said it was great meeting you. He texted me after for a while and he asked me out again. We shall see. I didn't overanalyze or overthink anything and so when he asked me out again, it was sweet.
I have now adopted this way of thinking..sure as hell beats me stressing and worrying about what he thought blah blah blah.0 -
Update: Got stood up! I didn't reply to his text the night before just saying "Can't wait to see you tomorrow. See you at 9:30" since I had already confirmed with him twice before this. So up until 12 hours before the date everything was fine. The worst part of getting stood up is that I woke up at 7:15am after going out the night before, rushed to get ready to leave before 8:30am to get to the metro an hour away by 9:30am.
So I'm not sure I understand what happened between the night before and that morning besides not responding to the one text. I'm not so concerned by it either. I was actually relieved. The only thing bumming me out is the "no closure" part, like not knowing what broke the deal. But at least it wasn't AFTER he actually met me because then it would a lot worse lol.
So sorry to hear that, it is definitely his loss!0 -
Sorry to hear that. What an inconvenience. I decided to try out the whole interviewer vs applicant last night.
I had a 1st date yesterday. I was cool and collected until 30 minutes before then my heart started thumping and I was getting sweaty.. not in a good way haha.
BUT I decided to go in as the interviewer (ahem) and hello? I'm the CATCH. Plus I looked hot which always helps boost the confidence. And when I say "interviewer" I don't mean it in a way where it's professional and cold.. not at all. But it's more where I'm talking, asking, smiling, laughing, CONFIDENT, trying to get to know HIM and whether he is someone I want to get to know better VS being quiet, nervous, insecure, and hoping he'll choose ME.
It went well. I think he was more nervous than I was. Actually he texted me before dinner and told me he was nervous about it which I replied there was no pressure and we will have a good time. Yeah, I was giving HIM a pep talk. Then apparently his mood caught up with me.
All in all, it was a good dinner. We giggled a couple of times because we could both tell we were thinking of what else to ask or say. Gotta love 1st dates.
We hugged and said it was great meeting you. He texted me after for a while and he asked me out again. We shall see. I didn't overanalyze or overthink anything and so when he asked me out again, it was sweet.
I have now adopted this way of thinking..sure as hell beats me stressing and worrying about what he thought blah blah blah.
So amusing to hear that you had to calm him down! Glad you had fun and didn't over-think anything.0 -
We hugged and said it was great meeting you. He texted me after for a while and he asked me out again. We shall see. I didn't overanalyze or overthink anything and so when he asked me out again, it was sweet.
I have now adopted this way of thinking..sure as hell beats me stressing and worrying about what he thought blah blah blah.
Love it!0 -
I had my first "date" in over 10 years this past Saturday. OMG I thought I was going to have a panic attack on my way there. But once I got there and he hugged me, all was fine. I was relaxed after that and it turned from just being lunch into a 10 hour date. haha But I think there are so many factors and I think one of the biggest is the tendency to think that we have to win over the other person instead of the other way around. And I think that we have to be able to be comfortable in our own shoes, first, become you can have that peace about meeting someone new.
In the past I've been like you - looking at whatever facts I had about the guy and trying to figure out what future there could be, etc. But try to just think of it as just going out with a friend to have fun. Take the pressure off of yourself. Just go out with he intention that, "Hey it's nice to get out with a guy and have fun....IF it turns into more, great." But if it doesn't, then life goes on. So for ME I found that it's not as stressful or scary if I don't project or worry abuot IF there will be a future together.0 -
I had my first "date" in over 10 years this past Saturday. OMG I thought I was going to have a panic attack on my way there. But once I got there and he hugged me, all was fine. I was relaxed after that and it turned from just being lunch into a 10 hour date. haha But I think there are so many factors and I think one of the biggest is the tendency to think that we have to win over the other person instead of the other way around. And I think that we have to be able to be comfortable in our own shoes, first, become you can have that peace about meeting someone new.
In the past I've been like you - looking at whatever facts I had about the guy and trying to figure out what future there could be, etc. But try to just think of it as just going out with a friend to have fun. Take the pressure off of yourself. Just go out with he intention that, "Hey it's nice to get out with a guy and have fun....IF it turns into more, great." But if it doesn't, then life goes on. So for ME I found that it's not as stressful or scary if I don't project or worry abuot IF there will be a future together.
Wow.. 10 hour date!0 -
I had my first "date" in over 10 years this past Saturday. OMG I thought I was going to have a panic attack on my way there. But once I got there and he hugged me, all was fine. I was relaxed after that and it turned from just being lunch into a 10 hour date. haha But I think there are so many factors and I think one of the biggest is the tendency to think that we have to win over the other person instead of the other way around. And I think that we have to be able to be comfortable in our own shoes, first, become you can have that peace about meeting someone new.
In the past I've been like you - looking at whatever facts I had about the guy and trying to figure out what future there could be, etc. But try to just think of it as just going out with a friend to have fun. Take the pressure off of yourself. Just go out with he intention that, "Hey it's nice to get out with a guy and have fun....IF it turns into more, great." But if it doesn't, then life goes on. So for ME I found that it's not as stressful or scary if I don't project or worry abuot IF there will be a future together.
Wow.. 10 hour date!
That's really cool! What in the world did you do for 10 hours? If you don't mind me asking...0 -
Wow.. 10 hour date!
That's really cool! What in the world did you do for 10 hours? If you don't mind me asking...
My same thoughts exactly! Sounds like a pretty amazing date!0 -
Wow.. 10 hour date!
That's really cool! What in the world did you do for 10 hours? If you don't mind me asking...
My same thoughts exactly! Sounds like a pretty amazing date!
did you hear from stand up guy?0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Nope. I sent him a text yesterday saying it was okay if he couldn't make it, just let me know if he's alright since I haven't heard from him (it was more for my own benefit since I wanted closure/wanted an explanation) but haven't heard anything. Now I'm just annoyed cause I at least want an excuse lol.0 -
i totally do this. in fact i kind of think i've driven people away with the whole wondering what happens next, where things are, what does this mean, etc.
i try not to... but i'm so analytical that the curious george in me just HAS TO KNOW.
it's awful.0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Nope. I sent him a text yesterday saying it was okay if he couldn't make it, just let me know if he's alright since I haven't heard from him (it was more for my own benefit since I wanted closure/wanted an explanation) but haven't heard anything. Now I'm just annoyed cause I at least want an excuse lol.
Totally rude of him. You deserve much better!0 -
Totally rude of him. You deserve much better!
Thanks! Now that I'm losing weight and building up my self esteem I know that too :P0
This discussion has been closed.