Dating/Relationship Anxiety?
Replies
-
I had my first "date" in over 10 years this past Saturday. OMG I thought I was going to have a panic attack on my way there. But once I got there and he hugged me, all was fine. I was relaxed after that and it turned from just being lunch into a 10 hour date. haha But I think there are so many factors and I think one of the biggest is the tendency to think that we have to win over the other person instead of the other way around. And I think that we have to be able to be comfortable in our own shoes, first, become you can have that peace about meeting someone new.
In the past I've been like you - looking at whatever facts I had about the guy and trying to figure out what future there could be, etc. But try to just think of it as just going out with a friend to have fun. Take the pressure off of yourself. Just go out with he intention that, "Hey it's nice to get out with a guy and have fun....IF it turns into more, great." But if it doesn't, then life goes on. So for ME I found that it's not as stressful or scary if I don't project or worry abuot IF there will be a future together.
Wow.. 10 hour date!
That's really cool! What in the world did you do for 10 hours? If you don't mind me asking...
We met for lunch at 130p and ended up sitting there talking till about 430ish. Decided we didn't want the date to end just yet, so opted to go play pool. Played pool till after 1130p. It was a blast! Had no problem finding things to talk about, was very comfortable. (Sitting in a restaurant, I find to be tense at first. But doing an activity kind of loosens the mood up a bit....) Bear in mind, I always text and talk on the phone to the guy for a few weeks before meeting up. Just makes a first date more comfortable, for me anyhow.0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Nope. I sent him a text yesterday saying it was okay if he couldn't make it, just let me know if he's alright since I haven't heard from him (it was more for my own benefit since I wanted closure/wanted an explanation) but haven't heard anything. Now I'm just annoyed cause I at least want an excuse lol.
Totally rude!!! You deserve so much better. What an *kitten*!!! Hang in there. It's tough dating....sometimes.0 -
I've had issues with depression and social anxiety for years. This would most definitely include the kind of dating anxiety you're talking about. I was overweight, confidence was shot and just kinda thought I'd deal with it. I got on meds and felt a lot better but still had next to zero confidence. Now I'm still nervous before a date but nothing like before. I'm in infinitely better shape than before, have a renewed sense of confidence and got off my prescription meds.
I haven't been in a decent relationship in a while but I do have to kind of take steps back at times to stop from trying to break down what she's thinking, or where it's headed, etc. I tend to fall kinda quickly so it's good to kind of have something to bring you back and keep you from jumping in too fast imo.0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Nope. I sent him a text yesterday saying it was okay if he couldn't make it, just let me know if he's alright since I haven't heard from him (it was more for my own benefit since I wanted closure/wanted an explanation) but haven't heard anything. Now I'm just annoyed cause I at least want an excuse lol.
what an a-hole!!!0 -
Yes, generally I have so much dating anxiety that I will do my best to talk the guy out of actually asking me out and if that goes well, talking him out of asking me for the second date. It works for me.0
-
I've had issues with depression and social anxiety for years. This would most definitely include the kind of dating anxiety you're talking about. I was overweight, confidence was shot and just kinda thought I'd deal with it. I got on meds and felt a lot better but still had next to zero confidence. Now I'm still nervous before a date but nothing like before. I'm in infinitely better shape than before, have a renewed sense of confidence and got off my prescription meds.
I haven't been in a decent relationship in a while but I do have to kind of take steps back at times to stop from trying to break down what she's thinking, or where it's headed, etc. I tend to fall kinda quickly so it's good to kind of have something to bring you back and keep you from jumping in too fast imo.
Glad you're feeling better and more confident now!0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Just thought I would provide an update since I got so much awesome support from this thread/group.
About three days later he sent me a pic of his arm in a sling and his battered car- he was in an accident on the way to our date. I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, or even give him a second chance after I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get stood up (and no courtesy "I'm not going to make it" message).
One theory of thought is that if he stands you up once, he'll do it again or he's showing he's not taking this seriously, etc. I kind of believed that.
I just wished him well, hoped he healed up, etc and decided I wouldn't respond to any more texts/emails. But he has been pretty consistent, always texting me things, pics "saw this and thought of you", etc.
After about a week, I decided to respond and told him we could still try to hang out as friends. We planned to go hiking this Saturday but it will be stormy in our area, so he's asking to take me out to dinner. I do want to, but I don't. It'll be nice to finally meet him, but I wished it was still on my terms- friend date, not date-date.0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Just thought I would provide an update since I got so much awesome support from this thread/group.
About three days later he sent me a pic of his arm in a sling and his battered car- he was in an accident on the way to our date. I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, or even give him a second chance after I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get stood up (and no courtesy "I'm not going to make it" message).
One theory of thought is that if he stands you up once, he'll do it again or he's showing he's not taking this seriously, etc. I kind of believed that.
I just wished him well, hoped he healed up, etc and decided I wouldn't respond to any more texts/emails. But he has been pretty consistent, always texting me things, pics "saw this and thought of you", etc.
After about a week, I decided to respond and told him we could still try to hang out as friends. We planned to go hiking this Saturday but it will be stormy in our area, so he's asking to take me out to dinner. I do want to, but I don't. It'll be nice to finally meet him, but I wished it was still on my terms- friend date, not date-date.
Wow, that's a crazy story! He sounds like he's really trying and was honest about the accident, so don't push him to the friend-zone just yet. Keep us posted.0 -
Wow, that's a crazy story! He sounds like he's really trying and was honest about the accident, so don't push him to the friend-zone just yet. Keep us posted.
Yes let us know what happens! I don't think anybody could even make up a story like that. Give him another chance!0 -
did you hear from stand up guy?
Just thought I would provide an update since I got so much awesome support from this thread/group.
About three days later he sent me a pic of his arm in a sling and his battered car- he was in an accident on the way to our date. I wasn't sure whether to believe him or not, or even give him a second chance after I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get stood up (and no courtesy "I'm not going to make it" message).
One theory of thought is that if he stands you up once, he'll do it again or he's showing he's not taking this seriously, etc. I kind of believed that.
I just wished him well, hoped he healed up, etc and decided I wouldn't respond to any more texts/emails. But he has been pretty consistent, always texting me things, pics "saw this and thought of you", etc.
After about a week, I decided to respond and told him we could still try to hang out as friends. We planned to go hiking this Saturday but it will be stormy in our area, so he's asking to take me out to dinner. I do want to, but I don't. It'll be nice to finally meet him, but I wished it was still on my terms- friend date, not date-date.
Wow, that's a crazy story! He sounds like he's really trying and was honest about the accident, so don't push him to the friend-zone just yet. Keep us posted.
I agree with this. If he was in an accident and hurt he might not have even been able to text you that he wouldn't make it. A picture is worth 1000 words in this case. I would give him a second chance.0 -
-
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)0 -
I'm sorry! I was certain that he didn't mean to stand you up, but I guess you don't know people sometimes. That is weird a person would go to all those lengths and then not show. Why don't people just say "i don't think i want to see you again?"0
-
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)
That really sucks and I'm sorry. What a strange guy to be so into game playing!0 -
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)
Hellz no!
NO more chances. Seriously. NO matter what his excuse is this time. Your time and energy are worth more than this.0 -
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)
What an A-Hole! Yea he doesnt deserve any more chances. Sounds to me he likes to play games. Sorry girl! You deserve better!0 -
He might be more nervous than you are. But yeah, nothing I dislike more than a flaker. You make a plan then you need to follow through. Making all that effort to plan a nice date is more than most people do, but then to just not do it is baffling. A courtesy call or text is not too much to ask. Accident is an excuse, the other is just a flake. No need to waste your time on someone that doesn't value it.0
-
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)
Agree with you. Dont give him another chance. That's just totally wrong!! Inconsiderate b******!!!!
Dont take it personally hun, he's totally the one to blame. Glad to hear you're back on schedule with your eating. Look after you!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I have a date this Sunday with a very great potential guy. But of course, I'm already freaking out. The last time I tried dating was back in October and I think I gave the guy so many mixed signals and spent so much time avoiding him/seeing him, he eventually never called me again.
I'm just wondering if anybody knows how to deal with this type of anxiety? I wish there was a book or some kind of subliminal message for people to get over this lol.
Thanks everyone
the only way really to deal with it is to practice practice practice. usually people get anxious before dates because they are putting too much pressure on themselves and have way too many expectations for a first date. the purpose of the first date is to begin to get to know each other and be flirty, so don't go into it immediately thinking "this guy/girl could be my next ltr" because that's putting the horse way before the cart.
so my advice would be to try and line up as many first dates as possible with any guys who seem like they might be interesting. there's no reason why you have to date 1 guy at a time if you aren't exclusive with any of them.
good luck!0 -
Got stood up again! I have no idea what is going on with that guy. Especially considering what extremes he goes to, planning out every second of that date beforehand so I "will be comfortable", etc. Don't worry, I don't blame this on myself (though I did kind of pity eat this weekend...I'll admit it!). He even planned the date based on somewhere close to me after I went all the way up to metro stop the last time. He said he was going to call me when he left (he lives an hour away) and so when it came time he should have been leaving and he didn't call...I just knew it happened again! I text a half hour before to confirm and even went to the place just in case, and I haven't heard anything since! The worse part is even gave him out and told him I would understand if he needed to back out- just give me the courtesy of a "can't make it" text and there was none.
So to sum up, if he ditches you once, it's your fault if you let him do it to you twice lol.
(And thanks to my binge/comfort eating I gained 6 pounds in bloat since Saturday morning...wtf! Back to the routine today though. Only gives me motivation!)
What a putz! It does prove you have good instincts in not wanting to give him a second chance. I'd send the creep a bill. I did my hair $$, Nails $$, Dry Cleaning $$, Gas $$, ... plus $$ for "labor".
The jerk won't pay you but he might learn something and might treat the next girl better.
Don't give up on men, there some of us good guys out there.0 -
I'd send the creep a bill. I did my hair $$, Nails $$, Dry Cleaning $$, Gas $$, ... plus $$ for "labor".
So funny! I should have when he missed the first date since he was so determined to take me into DC and planned out the entire day with reservations and everything. I had to drive an hour and 20 minutes to the metro stop we were going to meet. Oh well!
I will say that getting stood up twice with this guy and having another guy who said he was having an anxiety/mental breakdown after our first date (about 2 yrs ago)...I don't think I am afraid of being dumped or stood up again since I'm becoming a pro at it lol.0 -
Being stood up has its benefits: It's a great way to cross someone off the potential list, b/c he'll only get worse as the relationship "settles" and he gets comfortable with you.0
This discussion has been closed.