Bring Your Frustrations!

JayTee146

:flowerforyou:

Z_I_L_L_A

Having to come up with a BS reason when my daughter ask why her mother has nothing to do with her.

JayTee146

I haven't reached that discussion yet and I fear it almost everyday! My lo is 5 months and I often wonder if she'll be angry, because of her father not wanting her. but I figure if I keep her busy, not get caught up in feeling sorry for her because she will be reared in a single parent home, and make sure she is exposed to all the good life has to offer.. then maybe she'll understand... but hey.... she could just wined up mad as HECK!

I'm scared that as a parent that I'll fail my baby.

Z_I_L_L_A

I'm scared that as a parent that I'll fail my baby.

I've felt this way before but it seems to always work itself out for the best. Your love for your child will make sure you won't fail.

JanieJack

Having to come up with a BS reason when my daughter ask why her mother has nothing to do with her.

If I may offer a suggestion... my ex does not see his son much... calls maybe every 6 weeks or so (usually at my request). My friend told me when I first became a single parent never to make excuses for the other parent. That one of her big regrets was always saying things like, "oh your daddy loves you" and building up their father in her kid's minds. Which is what you naturally want to do as a parent so they don't hurt. But my friend said it cased a rift between her son and the family because even though dad was absent he seemed like a god to the boy, and everything the family did was butted up against "my dad this" and "my dad that."

When my son asks, "Why doesn't dad call? Why doesn't dad spend time with me?" rather than make excuses, I tell him, "you'll have to ask your father. Would you like to call him." Most of the time his dad doesn't answer, but I'm not going to make excuses. This man chose to leave his son out of his life; told the lawyer he had better things to do. I will shelter my son as best as I can from those decisions, but I will not make excuses for his poor behavior.

Z_I_L_L_A

Having to come up with a BS reason when my daughter ask why her mother has nothing to do with her.

If I may offer a suggestion... my ex does not see his son much... calls maybe every 6 weeks or so (usually at my request). My friend told me when I first became a single parent never to make excuses for the other parent. That one of her big regrets was always saying things like, "oh your daddy loves you" and building up their father in her kid's minds. Which is what you naturally want to do as a parent so they don't hurt. But my friend said it cased a rift between her son and the family because even though dad was absent he seemed like a god to the boy, and everything the family did was butted up against "my dad this" and "my dad that."

When my son asks, "Why doesn't dad call? Why doesn't dad spend time with me?" rather than make excuses, I tell him, "you'll have to ask your father. Would you like to call him." Most of the time his dad doesn't answer, but I'm not going to make excuses. This man chose to leave his son out of his life; told the lawyer he had better things to do. I will shelter my son as best as I can from those decisions, but I will not make excuses for his poor behavior.

Thanks, thats an excellent answer.

JayTee146

Thanks for the advice! I thought I was suppose to tell her.. Your dad loves you and give her gifts from him... I don't want her to know he doesn't want her.

JanieJack

Thanks for the advice! I thought I was suppose to tell her.. Your dad loves you and give her gifts from him... I don't want her to know he doesn't want her.

Of course you don't!! You love her!! And I would never tell my kid his daddy doesn't want him (though he saw it for himself 2 Christmases ago when he visited: Dad dropped him off with some church mothers and went hanging out with the high school boys (20 yrs younger). Little man cried to me for a week over it (why didn't daddy spend time with *ME*) and it broke my heart, but all I could say is, "hon, I don't know. I wasn't there, but we can ask your father later."

But with gifts and excuses to babygirl, I'd be concerned that I'm setting up a false relationship in her mind, one that could be even more hurtful later as she enters puberty and he's not around. Then the "telling" won't mean as much as his lack of action.

Of course, my kid is only 6. So I can't say I know much about parenting, yet. Nor am I medically qualified to talk psych issues. But I do know that he appears to have adjusted to the situation. He understands, even this young, that some people have parents that are move involved than others and that people have different ways of showing love. A therapist I had him seeing (b/c I was afraid of the impact of divorce) told me to encourage him to express upset feelings (even about me) as long as it's in a respectful way. I truly appreciate how he now tells me when he feels like I'm spending too much time at work or dragging him along my friends' events because I honestly don't know it sometimes. I was told that he exhibits FAR less impact of divorce than most kids his age, and I'm thankful to God for surrounding me with wise people.

JayTee146

wow! you're an extremely strong person. I aspire to be that for my daughter

bamajes

Having to come up with a BS reason when my daughter ask why her mother has nothing to do with her.

Ditto...except swap mother for father. My 3 year old doesn't even remember him. So sad.

Z_I_L_L_A

Having to come up with a BS reason when my daughter ask why her mother has nothing to do with her.

Ditto...except swap mother for father. My 3 year old doesn't even remember him. So sad.

Mine is 17 and is angry at her for not being there for her as a mother when she needed her most.

JayTee146

I saw a father holding his daughter walking into a shopping center and I cried in my car for 30 minutes!

as my bff would say "Jess, stop getting into your feelings"

Idk what happened.... I'm normally a stone rock when it comes to my emotions but lately I've been more emotional when I see stuff like that. Does that make me crazy?

JanieJack

lately I've been more emotional when I see stuff like that. Does that make me crazy?

I sure hope not. Everytime I see a man that looks like he's being a "good father" I get teary too. I hate that my son is missing out on that!

Z_I_L_L_A

Both my son and daughter wonder why their mom is the way she is. I told him the other day if you want to know why ask her. I said don't be afraid to tell her whats on your mind. I said it can only help, at least she'll know how you feel and maybe things will get better. Wiggin's advice...

JanieJack

Both my son and daughter wonder why their mom is the way she is. I told him the other day if you want to know why ask her. I said don't be afraid to tell her whats on your mind. I said it can only help, at least she'll know how you feel and maybe things will get better. Wiggin's advice...

How did they respond? How did you feel compared to other times you've had that convo with them? It's taken a lot of pressure out of me and my son's relationship, so I hope it does the same for you.

Blessings,

Janie

Z_I_L_L_A

Frustrations - Oh well, travel sports are here again and that takes precedence over my workouts. It was great while it lasted. I guess I'll try and book hotels with gyms in them and if not I will run and get cardio done. Just don't want to fall into bad habits of eating out while on the road. Traveling to Texas,Florida, Oklahoma, Tennessee and South Carolina. All this to get seen by college recruiters. Hope all the money spent over the years is worth it. Just venting, I guess I should be grateful sports keeps her busy enough to the point of no serious boy relationships....Zilla, coming to a softball field near you....lol

JanieJack

I should be grateful sports keeps her busy enough to the point of no serious boy relationships

This alone is worth its weight in gold!

.Zilla, coming to a softball field near you....lol

haha, I wish!

h_wst

Frustration: Left my ex because of DV... he told me that he still wanted his girls to be a big part of his life & he didn't want to "loose" them too (he has 5 other kids that he has no contact with).... I said "ok you can call them 3x a week & video chat 2x a month" (even though the girls are only 3y.o. & 6mo.)..... do you think that he's called once? NOPE!!! When I call him (because the 3yo is crying that she wants to talk to him) he blames me and says that I don't call & let him talk to the girls enough!!! Last time I checked a phone went both ways!!! When I left my 3yo "K" asked why he wasn't around anymore & I told her "because daddy hurt mommy's heart" (and a bunch of other parts on mommy but she's too little to get that) which she has accepted & often times tells herself when her dad doesn't pick up the phone (almost as if she's trying to convince herself she doens't need him) which breaks my heart. Now she is super clingy & she cries when I have to leave for work (I live with my parents now because I can't afford living in DC) & says "No mamma you can't leave me too. Come back mommie!". I've asked her if she thinks I'm leaving and not coming back and she says "yes. you can't leave me like daddy did" which makes it so clear that she is hurt by the whole experience. I'm afraid they are going to grow up and resent me for leaving their dad (even though I *had* to). I'm really trying my best to not berate their father (even though he doesn't pay child support & he doesn't call or try to talk to them) but at the same time I don't want them to think he is some sort of magical person who would make their lives better (because he wouldn't)... I'm frusturated that my daughters miss their dad, I'm frusturated that I have to live with my parents in a tiny *kitten* 2 bedroom condo & I want to blame my ex for all of it but I know thats not healthy either...... can I please just fast forward time?

JanieJack

h_west... it gets better, it really does. If you take the high road, your kids will figure out soon enough (when they're old enough to understand) that you did right by them. My son is 6 and already understands that his father chooses not to be a part of his life. I have never once spoken ill of his father when my son is around.

He went through a clingy "don't leave stage" for about a year when he was 4-5, but he's out of it now.

{{{hugs}}}

JayTee146

Ex claims he recieved the dna results and now he's ready to be a father.. even begged for me to put my 7 month old on the phone so he could give her a spill about how much he loves her and wants to be in her life.

then he tells me he's going to call and verify the paper is correct and he'll get back with me in a few days so he could come and spend time with his child.

JanieJack

Ex claims he recieved the dna results and now he's ready to be a father.. even begged for me to put my 7 month old on the phone so he could give her a spill about how much he loves her and wants to be in her life.

then he tells me he's going to call and verify the paper is correct and he'll get back with me in a few days so he could come and spend time with his child.

wow. is there anything other than verbal to indicate he's really had a change of heart? I ask because my ex gets real interested in "being a father" when he wants to go home and ask his parents for money.

mummma

having to answer the children when they say 'can we see our daddy soon?' when he keeps cancelling week after week after week... its been 6 weeks now...... and harry and ella watch lola get picked up by her daddy...... and i have to say something to ease their heart break.... and to keep them loving their daddy like they should....... its hard x

JayTee146

Ex claims he recieved the dna results and now he's ready to be a father.. even begged for me to put my 7 month old on the phone so he could give her a spill about how much he loves her and wants to be in her life.

then he tells me he's going to call and verify the paper is correct and he'll get back with me in a few days so he could come and spend time with his child.

wow. is there anything other than verbal to indicate he's really had a change of heart? I ask because my ex gets real interested in "being a father" when he wants to go home and ask his parents for money.

nothing other than verbal! I know he's doing the bare miminum so I won't place him on support.

JanieJack

i have to say something to ease their heart break.... and to keep them loving their daddy like they should....... its hard x

Mumma, be careful about this... it's easy to make the jump from saying something to ease their pain (which we want to do as good moms) to creating a feeling of love and relationship from an absent parent who will never provide it.

A single mom whose kids are older told me she regrets having "created" a relationship for them with their absent father, making excuses for him and lying to cover up the fact that he never got them when he said he would and was generally uninvolved. She told me my son was old enough (at the time 5) that when he asked, "How come Daddy never sees me" instead of making up an excuse about how much Daddy loves him (he gives no indication that he loves or even slightly cares about his son) that I should tell him to ask his father and offer to call dad for him. Of course, dad rarely answers (and the one time he did, my son forgot about asking him and just talked about video games).

He has not spoken to his son since Jan. We've spoken, and I've even asked him "Hey, do you want to talk to the boy?" and he's refused: "I have more important things to do; I'll call him later." {{tears}}

{{hugs to you and your precious babies}}

mummma

i have to say something to ease their heart break.... and to keep them loving their daddy like they should....... its hard x

Mumma, be careful about this... it's easy to make the jump from saying something to ease their pain (which we want to do as good moms) to creating a feeling of love and relationship from an absent parent who will never provide it.

A single mom whose kids are older told me she regrets having "created" a relationship for them with their absent father, making excuses for him and lying to cover up the fact that he never got them when he said he would and was generally uninvolved. She told me my son was old enough (at the time 5) that when he asked, "How come Daddy never sees me" instead of making up an excuse about how much Daddy loves him (he gives no indication that he loves or even slightly cares about his son) that I should tell him to ask his father and offer to call dad for him. Of course, dad rarely answers (and the one time he did, my son forgot about asking him and just talked about video games).

He has not spoken to his son since Jan. We've spoken, and I've even asked him "Hey, do you want to talk to the boy?" and he's refused: "I have more important things to do; I'll call him later." {{tears}}

{{hugs to you and your precious babies}}

thankyou for your reply. i do struggle with what to say. i tend to just say that daddies busy and when i know when he's free ill let them know. i was with him for nearly 7 years and lived through severe domestic abuse. but i will never be the one to bad mouth him to the children. my sons 5 and my daughters 3 nearly 4. they say mummy and daddy arent friends anymore. and im fine with that. i teach them the importance of respect and that hands are for holding and hugging and helping. if i had my way he wouldnt be around at all, but the court system decided differently. when he lets them down i try my best to distract them. visiting family, doing crafts and anything i can think of to take their mind off it. he has a new baby due soon, this is probably the reason he has cancelled so often.

any ideas of what to say when he does cancel?? im all for honesty... its just difficult to sugar coat it x

JanieJack

any ideas of what to say when he does cancel?? im all for honesty... its just difficult to sugar coat it x

Not sure I can help... My ex only gets 2 required visits a year, and most of those he's canceled. He would always postpone and come up with a new plan. After the first couple cancellations, I stopped telling my son. I've kept my son's schedule free just in case, but I never said a word to my son about it. So when he canceled my boy didn't know there was ever a plan. I just couldn't bear to see him disappointed like he was all the time the first year.

Back when they used to talk more often, he would always make these promises about I'm coming to your birthday, I'm coming to your game, etc. And when my son would ask about it, I'd tell him yes, I heard Daddy tell you he wants to come but he hasn’t told me he was able to make the plans, so I don’t know.

mummma

ahhhh its so difficult

we fought for 2 and a half years in court for the domestic abuse and he fought and fought for visitation and overnight contact which he claimed to want so badly. he saw them every other week from 10-6 for 2 and a half months. and now hes stopped. thats why they ask. because they had started to get used to it. funny enough he stopped when it was time to start the overnight contact he fought so hard for. every professional said all along that they didnt believe he really wanted it, and was just fighting with me in court for the sake of it.

oh well..... ill keep on keeping on.

sending love to you and your from me and mine xx

JadedSouls

My current frustration is my 15yo son and school. I got a progress report from his math teacher (he gets them every 2 mos) and he's now failing it - his last report in march he had a 77, now a 57%.. He's in Gr. 10 and one of those kids that are too stubborn to ask for extra help if they're not understanding the concepts - a pride thing with him. He'd rather think himself stupid than ask for help.

He also has a bad habit of not handing in his assignments - he'll have them finished, but they'll be stuffed in his bookbag or locker long past the due date and thus making 0% on them. He's been doing that since middle school..

Every day he comes home and I ask him if he has homework and I get the same answer every day - NO! They do have a study period at the end of the day where they do work on homework but to not ever bring anything home? I never see him study!

In the last 2 months he has had a few setbacks mind you that could explain his lack of enthusiasm for school - broke up with his gf, grandmother almost died, Big Brother being posted out of province and a rejection letter for this major scholarship/internship.

I just wish I could help him understand what he's doing isn't doing him any favours.

He's an amazing, wonderful teenager, just stubborn and unmotivated lately *lol*

Z_I_L_L_A

My daughter is a junior in high school (17). She plays fastpitch softball and is working towards that helping her with college. She makes A's and B's in advanced and AP courses right now. The X wants to show up for awards banquets and things like that but doesn't watch her games, doesn't show interest in her academics or sports. She wants to be recognized as her mom but won't show interest in her school activities or travel sports nor will she help in the financial load part either. Would I be wrong to say to her look if you don't help her or show interest in her, we don't want you at the awards,banquets,or graduation? My daughter is pissed of that she is getting recognized as if shes helped her get where she is now, but contributes nothing to her. Its like taking credit when you don't deserve it.

JanieJack

I think you're daughter's old enough to decide who she wants (and doesn't want) at her special events. And maybe it will teach Mom a lesson in reaping what you sow when you kick your kid to the curb.

Z_I_L_L_A

Did you know that growing up the biggest thing that would hurt your dad was you lying to him? Its not what you did that hurt him its that you lied to him.