Is he coming on too strong??

krissypea79

Hey guys - so I was recently the dumpee in a breakup. It wasn't a long relationship, but being dumped and the sting of rejection hit me pretty hard. My instinct after a couple of weeks was to reactivate my match.com profile. I don't think my heart was 100% in it, but I did receive messages from a couple guys who piqued my interest a bit. I am not the type who can handle emailing multiple people at once, so I chose one. He seems like a nice guy - 35, never been married, was engaged once but ultimately it just didn't happen. Has a good job, house, seems pretty stable....BUT....

He texts me A LOT. He gave me his phone number in his 2nd email to me. He hasn't even met me yet but he is acting like he likes me so much. We've talked on the phone twice now, and while the conversation was good, the reason he wanted to talk to me last night was because he "missed my voice." I am wondering if my heart was ready for dating that I'd find this more flattering and less clingy, but I am not sure if it's that or if I'm "just not that into him." He asks me a lot of questions about myself, which is great, but sometimes his questions come off as accusatory or interrogating. For example, yesterday he asked me what I wear to the gym. I told him yoga pants or spandex or sweat pants and a tank top. His response is "so you like to look sexy no matter where you go, that is great, but not so great for jealous guys." Ummm....are you implying that YOU are a jealous guy?? Yikes. Red flag much?? He says things like "wow we have so much in common I am 100% sure we are a good match." But then he says "but what if you don't like the mole on my chin or the little wrinkles under my eyes." I'm sorry, but that seems a little insecure to me...and I feel a little bit too much pressure. I do like talking to him, but I don't want to feel pressured to feel a certain way. The other night he says "so when you're out to dinner with your girlfriends tonight, and they ask what you've been up to, what's going on, are you seeing anyone, what are you going to tell them??" Seriously???

He is overwhelming me with wanting to meet, and I'm just not 100% sure I am ready. I do want to meet and see if I feel differently about him in person, but it's only been a week and I'm just not psyched about it yet. Earlier this week, he asked when I was free. I said Thursday. He said Thursday wasn't good but he could do Tues or Wed. I said I already had plans with friends. I ended up canceling on my friend last night bc we had a snow storm and he's like "well, we can hang out now." Well, no, because I had to cancel on my friend because we got 6 inches of snow, so I plan on staying home. He offered to come to me, which is a no-go because I prefer to drive myself and have my own car on the first few dates. He seemed offended but said it was OK, "I guess we'll have to hang out another time." Well, good because it wasn't open for debate. I told him that it wasn't as if we HAD plans and I'd cancelled them, I had plans with a friend. Now today, he asks me what I am doing tonight. It's Thursday, the night he said he wasn't free. I had been free, but in the meantime I decide to devote tonight to my studies (I'm in nursing school). I am the type of person who needs structure with my studies and I need to stick to a routine. I need to be disciplined. So, when I tell him I have no big plans, that I am studying, he says "well I remember telling you that I'd like to hang out with you next time you don't have any big plans." I said that I realize that, but earlier this week he says he was not free tonight. He offers to cancel on his friends. I told him no, that I NEED to study. He made me feel sort of guilty about it, and it is way too early for me to be feeling that way. Now, again, I don't know if this is an I'm-just-not-that-into-him scenario, or maybe I'm just a little freaked by him coming on so strong....

Ladies - how would you feel?? Guys - what do you think of this behavior? Too much too soon? Maybe I am just not ready to move on yet. I don't know. This guy and I want the same things - to settle down and have kids, and we do have interests in common...but I still feel a bit smothered and it's only been a week!!! Curious to hear feedback - thanks in advance!

***to add to this, he just texts me and says "I would come see you at work tomorrow night but thats not how I want us to meet. I want 1 on 1 eye contact so when we talk, nothing around us matters." I work at a wine bar and replied that it wouldn't be a good idea since I just started working there, I wouldn't be in my comfort zone at all, and I wouldn't want the owners to get a bad impression. It's been 3 hours since I sent it, with no reply, so I am sure he's annoyed...I sort of feel like he was fishing for me to say that I'd love for him to come to my work. What kind of first date is that?

Maximus0005

yeah regarding the whole match thing I had a female friend who went through something similar not too long ago. After the 3rd date he texted a pic he took with his phone to his mom for approval.

I think the online thing can work as long as people understand that you are literally meeting strangers the same way you would meet them in a bar. Yes, everyone is looking for a relationship but that doesnt mean you have to be talking a hundred times a day.

Also, if you told him you couldnt see him due to a legit reason like studying and he whines and makes you feel bad, I wouldnt even give him the pleasure of meeting up at all but thats me. I would tell him to sac up and some things take priority. If he doesnt get that then he has got issues.

In the end, this guy seems desperate. Not that I believe that is why he chose you in particular but for online dating the ratio is like 5 guys to every one girl. So for all those emails you got instantly from multiple guys, that was probably the first he got in weeks.

I would say maybe its time to see what else there is. The great thing about it is you will never have to see or contact him again if you choose to do so.

krissypea79

yeah regarding the whole match thing I had a female friend who went through something similar not too long ago. After the 3rd date he texted a pic he took with his phone to his mom for approval.

I think the online thing can work as long as people understand that you are literally meeting strangers the same way you would meet them in a bar. Yes, everyone is looking for a relationship but that doesnt mean you have to be talking a hundred times a day.

Also, if you told him you couldnt see him due to a legit reason like studying and he whines and makes you feel bad, I wouldnt even give him the pleasure of meeting up at all but thats me. I would tell him to sac up and some things take priority. If he doesnt get that then he has got issues.

In the end, this guy seems desperate. Not that I believe that is why he chose you in particular but for online dating the ratio is like 5 guys to every one girl. So for all those emails you got instantly from multiple guys, that was probably the first he got in weeks.

I would say maybe its time to see what else there is. The great thing about it is you will never have to see or contact him again if you choose to do so.

You're right. It's hard because it's almost like when we talk on the phone he is much more "cool" and laid back about it all. It's almost as if another person is texting me...wait....that could be, lol. haha. you never know!!! Yeah, I don't know...he will come off as offended that I am not free, but then when I say something about not wanting to feel guilty he switches and agrees with me that I should study. I told him last night that I am taking school very seriously and if I am going to be in a relationship, than I need to be disciplined and devote enough time to my school work. He agreed with me, but then he's already giving me pressure about hanging out. I just foresee some of these behaviors as transferring into a relationship down the road - I'm seeing a little bit of jealousy/possesiveness which can be a scary thing. I do want to meet a nice guy who WANTS to be with me and a little jealousy is flattering, but jealousy before even meeting me is a little freaky.

La_Amazona

Your whole post translates to hesitation on your part. Listen to your gut and trust it.

krissypea79

Your whole post translates to hesitation on your part. Listen to your gut and trust it.

I realize I am hesitant - I am just hoping it's due to listening to a gut feeling and not just me being too picky. I want a guy to be into me, but not SO much before meeting me.

La_Amazona

Honestly, that's not into YOU. He's probably like that with women. That's HIM.

flimflamfloz

Your whole post translates to hesitation on your part. Listen to your gut and trust it.

I realize I am hesitant - I am just hoping it's due to listening to a gut feeling and not just me being too picky. I want a guy to be into me, but not SO much before meeting me.

Yep. I'm a guy, and he seems a little bit too keen to me. To me it means he is a bit of a weirdo.

He seems:
- insecure ("but what if you don't like the mole on my chin or the little wrinkles under my eyes.")
- controlling ("well I remember telling you that I'd like to hang out with you next time you don't have any big plans.", "so when you're out to dinner with your girlfriends tonight, and they ask what you've been up to, what's going on, are you seeing anyone, what are you going to tell them??")
- jealous ("so you like to look sexy no matter where you go, that is great, but not so great for jealous guys.")
And you haven't seen him yet.

Plus he is cheesy ( "I would come see you at work tomorrow night but thats not how I want us to meet. I want 1 on 1 eye contact so when we talk, nothing around us matters.")...

No offence to him, but he sounds like a real pain in the @ss or he is very clumsy. I would say you're looking for someone who takes things a little bit more slowly given your post though.

La_Amazona

Plus he is cheesy ( "I would come see you at work tomorrow night but thats not how I want us to meet. I want 1 on 1 eye contact so when we talk, nothing around us matters.")...

haha

Z_I_L_L_A

There is a reason he has never been married, good or bad who knows which.

kit_katty

You wanted an opinion, he's coming on waaay too strong, too fast. And trying to make you feel guilty for studying, for me, as a student as well, would be a no go. You NEED to study, and if he doesn't get that, well... he's not respecting you, right out of the gate. He's freaking you out a bit, right out of the gate. I think you need to seriously think about what you're guy is saying, cause if it's warning you at all, just listen to it. Just my two cents.

AnnaPixie

I would run a mile. Total internet freak!!

Never, ever meet anyone that you dont feel 100% comfortable with. Your gut instincts are always right.

:flowerforyou:

krissypea79

Yeah, I still haven't heard back from him after I texted him agreeing that him coming to my work tomorrow night probably isn't the best idea. It's been six hours....I bet he is pouting a bit. Grrr why can't I just meet a normal, non-desperate one who is into me. LOL!!! I thought it was odd that he was still single as well, but he said he just broke up with his ex because she decided she didn't want kids, as she already has one. Valid reason for being single, I suppose...but still...there definitely are plenty of red flags here. So frustrating!!

MiaOrange

That is quite a lot to deal with. You don't really know the guy, and if it was me, I'd be flattered about liking me. ...but you have felt some red flags and in my experience, instinct is important to listen to. Even if you meet him, your thoughts will be either be confirmed or he'll turn out different in person.

Just FYI: there was this guy (from an online dating site) I was texting a little, and messaging through the internet and I went to reply to something and wasn't sure if it sounded stupid, so I asked my 10 and 12 year-olds and they told me to say something else and I listened to them. He didn't really reply, probably because it sounded like I was a kid.

I'm silly, but this guy had a lot of red flags. I should've not just replied, but you never know who's on the other side of a text or msg...

krissypea79

Yeah I am really torn in how to proceed here. It seems unfortunate because we do have a lot of similar things in common...and I don't necessarily think something is wrong with him just because he is 35 and single...but there definitely ARE red flags...I thought of another one - the other night via text he asked me what type of car I had. I told him what I have and then said that a certain other kind of car is my dream car that I will have one day, in a "pearly white color." His text response was something like "ahhh I could say something right now, but I shouldn't because you don't know me well enough." I knew where he was going...but I played dumb...so he tells me it was a joke about pearl necklaces, which I find a tad inappropriate to say to a woman whom you've never met (and whom you should be trying to make a good impression on).....am I wrong?? I have a good sense of humor, and am not a prude by any means, but I thought it a little out of line...he says that he has a perverted mind sometimes but he would "try" to not say things in front of me, but it is just how he is....yikes...then yesterday when I tell him I drink "grande non-fat 1-pump vanilla lattes," and then says "see I could have said something about the 1-pump, but I wont" - but, well yeah you sort of did!

christine24t

If you have to ask if he's coming on too strong, he's coming on too strong. I would just slowly taper off talking to him.

DMZ_1

Pass on him, be at least be polite about it. There is a lot of incivility in dating. Just tell him that you don't see any potential chemistry between the two of you.

If I get that line, I don't ask any further questions, I just delete all traces of that person. But the civility is at least appreciated.

krissypea79

I am torn...but...does anyone think it's dumb if I DO choose to at least meet for coffee and see what vibe I get in person??? Or has he already crossed into creepy territory? I hate to write the guy off, I am just feeling a little smothered and conflicted. Although he did finally text me tonight to ask how my studying went. He left me alone from 1pm-10pm...gotta give him some credit for that. I guess I will just take it one day at a time and see where it goes...it's not like I've committed and need to break it off...can't hurt to meet him for a quick date. He wanted to do dinner, but I think I'd feel more comfortable over coffee or something more casual. Either way, I am not free until Tuesday at the earliest, so anything can happen between now and then...guess we'll see how the next few days of texting go, and if there are any other red flags. Thanks for the input

La_Amazona

I don't think it's "dumb" at all, but I do think you're not trusting your gut.

Just be safe!

lorro

I am often very enthusiastic about people I really like at the beginning of relationships but the problem with this guy isn't just that he's coming on too strong, it's that he has problems with boundaries. That's potentially a very big relationship problem but also I think it means you don't feel that safe with him. He's a total stranger, as others have said I would trust your instincts and cease contact. He may be a really nice guy, but it's just not worth taking the chance when you know nothing about him. I tried online dating once and was in the same situation and it got worse the more I delayed, so I'd do it soon. Be polite but firm and if he challenges you, apologise for any hurt feelings but remind him you are strangers and that it just doesn't feel right to you.

Pass on him, be at least be polite about it. There is a lot of incivility in dating. Just tell him that you don't see any potential chemistry between the two of you.

If I get that line, I don't ask any further questions, I just delete all traces of that person. But the civility is at least appreciated.

Is that the best way of doing it from a guy's perspective? It's the thing I hate most about dating, so much so that I avoid dating so I don't have to do it. My male friends tell me they won't be that bothered, but they were single a long time ago and to me the guys seem to take it quite hard, no matter how nicely I put it.

DMZ_1

Pass on him, be at least be polite about it. There is a lot of incivility in dating. Just tell him that you don't see any potential chemistry between the two of you.

If I get that line, I don't ask any further questions, I just delete all traces of that person. But the civility is at least appreciated.

Lorro's quote "Is that the best way of doing it from a guy's perspective? It's the thing I hate most about dating, so much so that I avoid dating so I don't have to do it. My male friends tell me they won't be that bothered, but they were single a long time ago and to me the guys seem to take it quite hard, no matter how nicely I put it.
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Yes, I really think that is the best way for a woman to end things in the early stages with a guy. It sucks to get that canned line, but it is way better than the alternative, which is complete silence. Complete silence is rude.

psmd

Total creeeeep! I promise you the couple of times I met someone in person who I wasn't sure about, I totally regretted it! Don't put all your eggs in one basket, this is why you should try to email multiple people at the same time. For each one normal guy, there's 10 weirdos you'll hear from, you may just not realize it right away.