Internet dating is killing my self esteem

Yanicka1

I am not amazingly beautifull.
Men that do not have kids are not interested in me since I DO have kids (how dare I had a life before !!!)
Men that DO have kids would rather have a women that do not have kids (double standard.....absolutly)
I have not travelled the world since my kids needs come way before my wants

I am intelligent, fun, easy to live with, I do not play games. I am loving and caring without being dependent..... but all those things are worthless since they never go past the first part.

Damn

Nerple

Yep, I pretty much find the sites depress me as well. Apparently being 5'4" as a male is a problem. Who knew.


And I love the tagline on your profile.

Steelheart7

Aw! no no no no no! That is the thing with the internet .. it can be very superficial. Human eye contact and smell and smiles and laughs and all that other stuff make such a big difference. It is easy to flip through a bunch of pictures online and dismiss everyone that doesn't look perfect on paper. Its like looking for a house for heavens sake. There are so many to choose from.

I can't tell you how many times at first sight I would think a person is not attractive but then just spending a little time around them and seeing their expressions and hearing them laugh etc. all the sudden they look different to me. It also works the other way around, the most beautiful person can turn ugly in just a couple sentences.

It is hard, but please don't judge yourself by their eyes. You know who you are. You have a killer body so there is alot of strength in you and I'm sure lots of other great qualities. DO NOT LET MEN AFFECT HOW YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. They are totally not worth that.

flimflamfloz

Internet dating as a man is even more of a joke... It's killing my self esteem big time!

Let's see what's on MFP forums for cheering up...

DO NOT LET MEN AFFECT HOW YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. They are totally not worth that.

:brokenheart: :sad:

Steelheart7

Internet dating as a man is even more of a joke... It's killing my self esteem big time!

Let's see what's on MFP forums for cheering up...

DO NOT LET MEN AFFECT HOW YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. They are totally not worth that.

:brokenheart: :sad:

Aw! boooo. I guess that didn't come out right ..lol .. I mean the men on the sites aren't worth affecting your self-esteem. ugh, that didn't come out right either. Hm. I'm just gunna go get my shovel now ..

tangie82

Internet dating as a man is even more of a joke... It's killing my self esteem big time!

Let's see what's on MFP forums for cheering up...

DO NOT LET MEN AFFECT HOW YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. They are totally not worth that.

:brokenheart: :sad:

Aw! boooo. I guess that didn't come out right ..lol .. I mean the men on the sites aren't worth affecting your self-esteem. ugh, that didn't come out right either. Hm. I'm just gunna go get my shovel now ..

No you said it right. OP don't let anyone else determine how you feel about yourself. Be confident and optimistic and it will all fall into place. Good luck and keep your head up!

Carl01

The double curse of being an adult single that lives out in the sticks.
Not only is meeting by chance in real life difficult but the dating sites are pretty sparse too.

pa_jorg

Trust me, it has nothing to do with having kids vs. no kids, since I don't have any. It's just such a flat medium to work with, but at the same time I feel the need to put myself through it because I haven't met anyone organically since my life is so routine.

Poetic_

Dang, I thought the internet thing was going to be an easier option down the road when I was ready to start trying to meet people. I'm too awkward irl, hopefully it's not as bad as the image I now have in my head.

Gionni

The internet is WAY hard. I am a handsome guy with a great personality, makes "6 figures" and have a great job and I NEVER get any response to my ads or emails! Does anyone ever get anywhere with those ?

La_Amazona

I was told and kept reading everywhere in order to internet date, you have to have thick skin. They were right.

One guy I met on POF, we had chatted/ flirted/ texted a lot before meeting. It was going good. Then we met and had 1 drink. It seemed rushed. I texted him later and thanked him and he responded nicely but I never heard from him again. Obviously, he wasn't physically attracted to me. How do you go from texting non-stop to nothing after meeting? Honestly, neither was I to him but the sting hurt nonetheless. I think I might have hid my profile for a while after that to work on myself.

In order to internet date, you have to be okay with rejection. It's a fact. Not every guy (or lady) will like you, apparently even after hours of talking beforehand.
When you get a date in the real world, you already know they're interested and attracted to you. In internet dating you don't have that luxury.

And I don't like that you said you're not beautiful.. you're a fox!!!! I think you're very pretty and you have a hot body. Nobody should make you feel less desirable. Ever!

Internet dating isn't for everybody, I don't think. Obviously, I have major issues with it since I keep doing it/ stopping it.

scapez

In my past dabblings with dating sites I *have* met people, just not quality people and never anyone that I dated more than a few months. I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, because I've heard of many many success stories - but a LTR that was borne from a dating site seemed to never be in the cards for me.

Dating sites did toy with my self esteem too...often times I would get hits from guys that I would never give the time of day to and there were times when I would make first contact with someone I found attractive/witty/unique, etc. only to never hear anything back. I could never figure out why I attracted the scumbuckets but never the good ones.

I can say that ANY long term relationship that I've ever been in started the old fashioned way...meeting naturally, maybe starting as friends, developing a connection. Seems that everyone says is true; you have to a) be secure in yourself and b) it will happen when you're not looking/least expected.

You will find someone. :flowerforyou:

Jeneba

I would LOVE to be "friends" with all the sweeties who contact me, but they all look like they could be my grandfather. Sorry - please don't write to me about "sparks." I am more worried you are going to suffer a heart attack if you don't take your pill.... (I am ordinarily a very nice, compassionate person, but this whole experience turns me into a MEAN NASTY EVIL PERSON! GOing to de-activate as soon as I get home.) BOO HISS!

DMZ_1

I would agree with a number of the previous posters that say Internet dating is superficial. Yes, there is that element. But in a way, it can be a time saver. Dating sites often can make it easier to pre-qualify a person for a date. In real life, sometimes it is hard to get all the information you need to know to find out if there is a feasible long term relationship. Sometimes what can be found out online in less than 5 minutes can save a 1-2 hr date and money.

I would say, all in all, that meeting in real life before a real first date is a better way to go. The dating sites are the worst possible way to meet someone online.

The OP should not be griping that men without kids are not interested in her. That's something that is a fact of life. Men without kids are not usually interested in a dating a woman with kids. Woman with kids are perceived as having baggage by single men without kids.

The OP does have a legit gripe about men with kids not being interested in her. That I do not understand as thoroughly. Maybe men with kids don't want to deal with any more kids than they are already dealing with. That would be my best guess.

Dating becomes so much more complicated when one or both parties already has kids. I think dating is complicated enough without the kid issue coming into play.

jnhu72

I decided to try out pof.com because I actually meet an amazing guy there, that I believe I would have spent the rest of my life with had he not died serving in the Army. In less then 12 hrs. I was propositioned 32 times for sex, 20 of them were old enough to be my dad. I can't believe the disgusting things people will say to you either on that site! It kind of killed my self esteem to know that guys only see me as someone to have sex with and not someone to date. =(

AnnaPixie

Its really not YOU that's the issue with these men, its them!!

Whatever you do, never take a strangers view as being important .....at all!! You have no clue of their background, their status or their sanity!! That goes for the women online too!!

Please, PLEASE dont let it affect your confidence. Dating online works for some, but not for others. Finding a person to mutually click with is the hardest thing in the world. And online dating makes it even harder as there is so much pressure on that first date. Whatever happened to meeting someone and getting to know them? Love grows!! Now its just an immediate spark, or nothing!!

All I'm saying is that, you DO need to toughen up and not let it affect you cos online dating is a minefield. Try other ways of meeting people too. Like local clubs, pubs, hobbies etc.

Somewhere, there is someone for everyone, keep the faith :flowerforyou:

Showgirlbody

Aw! no no no no no! That is the thing with the internet .. it can be very superficial. Human eye contact and smell and smiles and laughs and all that other stuff make such a big difference. It is easy to flip through a bunch of pictures online and dismiss everyone that doesn't look perfect on paper. Its like looking for a house for heavens sake. There are so many to choose from.

I can't tell you how many times at first sight I would think a person is not attractive but then just spending a little time around them and seeing their expressions and hearing them laugh etc. all the sudden they look different to me. It also works the other way around, the most beautiful person can turn ugly in just a couple sentences.

It is hard, but please don't judge yourself by their eyes. You know who you are. You have a killer body so there is alot of strength in you and I'm sure lots of other great qualities. DO NOT LET MEN AFFECT HOW YOU THINK OF YOURSELF. They are totally not worth that.

I agree completely. I understand the low self esteem though. I swear, I thought I was reasonably attractive before I put my picture on a few sites. I know I'm not the youngest or thinnest chicky on the block, but come on. lol I do not get the messages I would hope to get and I'm not looking for perfection either. It is very much like window shopping. Everyone looks for their ideal or type whereas many people really do end up with people that are not their type IRL. Chemistry is odd. You can be drawn to someone that you would never look at on a photo. I don't date people with kids either, only because I haven't had any, just like I don't date people who are allergic to animals. I think the lifestyles would clash. But when it comes to looks, I try to be open minded though obviously I have things I like. It's really hard. I still haven't really worked my way to write to people first. I have only a couple times and got no response or the "you are cute, but I don't think we are a match" blow off. I'd rather they didn't write at all cause then I'd forget that I wrote them eventually. lol Definitely helps to have thick skin and realize that you don't like everyone that likes you either. It is a numbers game and hopefully the odds will line up once or twice that the one you like actually likes you back and vice versa.

DMZ_1

I decided to try out pof.com because I actually meet an amazing guy there, that I believe I would have spent the rest of my life with had he not died serving in the Army. In less then 12 hrs. I was propositioned 32 times for sex, 20 of them were old enough to be my dad. I can't believe the disgusting things people will say to you either on that site! It kind of killed my self esteem to know that guys only see me as someone to have sex with and not someone to date. =(

Why online dating does not benefit men right there! Women are overwhelmed with messages, many of which are inappropriate. How's a good guy going to break through that clutter?

foremant86

Don't take it personal.

Being interested in someone doesn't mean they have to be interested in you. It may suck but that's the truth.

If finding someone to spend our life with was easy then there wouldn't be divorces and thousands of single people.

Just keep trying and you will find someone eventually.

I'm surprised you're having trouble finding a guy who wants to be with a woman with kids, seemed like all the guys in my areas were looking for someone who wanted kids or already had kids and wanted more....which was a huge turn off for me because i'm not really sure I want kids.

JanieJack

Why online dating does not benefit men right there! Women are overwhelmed with messages, many of which are inappropriate. How's a good guy going to break through that clutter?

What about just being a good guy and reading (evidenced by commenting) on her profile and by not saying anything inappropriate during the first couple messages. Most women I know actually DO like the "nice guys."

mizfiesta

Just came across this thread as my self esteem has taken a battering recently while using online dating. It's good to know it can be a common reaction and it's not just me! Was heartened to read some of the replies.

Prahasaurus

The internet is WAY hard. I am a handsome guy with a great personality, makes "6 figures" and have a great job and I NEVER get any response to my ads or emails! Does anyone ever get anywhere with those ?

Well, you're not going to get anywhere until you address your low self-esteem...

;-)


--P

Prahasaurus

Why online dating does not benefit men right there! Women are overwhelmed with messages, many of which are inappropriate. How's a good guy going to break through that clutter?

Um, by not sending pics of your junk and and trying to actually establish a rapport with the woman first? Sounds like you're already in the top 1% if you can manage that... :-)

My issue with on-line dating is that it's a huge time waster. You have to meet someone before you can draw any conclusions. This usually becomes a major affair trying to arrange schedules. Then, after the brief, initial meeting (assuming it went fairly well), you can find yourself on additional dates over the next few weeks/months trying to figure out if this can work.

With analog dating, you can do a lot of this filtering before you even ask the woman out. This saves you a month of coffee, lunches, dinners, and awkward discussions about why her feelings are unrequited (or vice versa).

--P

dixiech1ck

I've been trying to decide if I should try out eHarmony or not. I've heard it's a money waster, I've heard from others that they met people who actually want to date (not just waste time like on the free sites). I get so turned off by the guys who don't read my profile and then in their initial email, will ask a question... that has been answered IN my profile. Example: "You seem nice. Do you have kids?" IN my profile, to the right, it says "No children, may possibly want them." *SMH* Geniuses they are not, but seriously, it's so easy to just glance over the profile.

farmers_daughter

Online dating = window shopping for a "date" guy/girl/partner etc.....

It is an online meat market, if you do not fit in the exact parameters of what they want, YOU'RE OUT. There's plenty more to look at.

IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU PAY FOR IT OR NOT, The same guys (and I assume girls) are on all the sites.... if they are on a paid site, you just know they have money to blow.....You can occasionally meet someone decent, no matter if you pay bookoo bucks or if it's free.

I try not to take online dating sites overly serious, and I have recently made a point to only check it periodically 2-3 times a week so that I don't get wrapped up in what gets said. (that' s my own personal way of dealing with it, may not be right but it works for now)

I know it's cliche but you have to find things for you, it is a daily struggle to keep your self esteem at the level it should be, or where you want it to be. You can do this...but I will personally admit it's something I have to focus on.

Moe4572

I would not reccommend eharmony. They match you with people that are NOT a match. Some people have found that after the initial, say, month, then only a couple matches a week come through. I always had many matches, but they had nothing in common with me, and the process is very slow. Try a free site first, and see how you like the whole thing......then try a pay site if you like. In my area, there are almost ALL the same people....with a few variations here and there.

Good luck!

NCTravellingGirl

I agree with Moe that eHarmony is a waste. They match you, so you have no choice. If you don't agree, your only option is to start a new account and retake that massive set of questions. Match was a waste for me too. Free sites have a lot of freaky people to weed through but are no better or worse in my experience.

I do understand about the esteem issue. I only got out there 2 months before I had to step back and regroup. It's a learning experience, and you have to be OK with the outcome. It is just shopping, as "Farmer's Daughter" said. Should it be? Ideally no, but it's just another option. I would PREFER to meet someone in real life, but at 36, that hasn't gone so well, so I either try something different or get used to nights at home alone with my dog.

I say keep at it. I'm trying it again after a 2 week break after recognizing the GOOD parts of online dating. It may not work but at least I'm trying something... and honestly I'm a whole lot more aware of men around me while I'm thinking about the online stuff so it may help meet someone IRL! Good Luck...

TheKitsune6

At least you guys had matches. I went through the whole testing process just for them to tell me not to waste my money because there were 0 matches for me on the site. You know it's pretty bad when a company that takes advantage of people looking for love tells you not to bother, haha!

DesignGuy

New to the group and just signed up for some online dating this week. Let the misery begin! LOL

Trying out Match right now and threw up a POF profile as well. I don't expect much, but it's got to be better than doing nothing.

I did fill out the SAT test for eHarm, but decided against it because I couldn't even see a picture without paying and it kept sending me daily matches from all over the place with only maybe one person who is local. I figured I could shop around MFP for a distance relationship so why pay eHarm for it.

Good luck.

kansasbelle

My date this weekend decided that he misread my profile and didn;t understand any of our conversations over the last two weeks about me not having sex with someone I don't love. So I did kiss him. And I was snuggled up watching a movie with my head on his should and his arm around me when He pulls out Mr. Happy and says look what you did to me? Really? Seriously? I think he was commando too. Was seeing it up close and personal supposed to make me change my mind? Guess what guys just because it's built like a porn star doesn't mean you know how to use it. Secondly it sure as hell doesn't mean you get to use me as a play toy. Seriously stick to the craigslist call girls. Looking for a girl to marry my *kitten*. Personally I prefer to stay away from guys with BIG EGOS. Because they are arrogant and self-absorbed and think that makes them able to treat you poorly. And they sure as hell dont care about what you want. Sorry I digress. I can't beleive he just whipped it out after he just met me 4 hours before. I had already thought it strange he kissed me before dinner. Pervert.

Tropical_Turtle

Do not make their issues, your issue. I refuse to let a man make me feel less than I am. You will find creeps, jerks, and slime everywhere no matter where you go. Hang in there