Single with kids - good or bad?

PeekABooGirl

I'm a single mom with 2 young kids. So I'm curious about a few things - first of all, do those of you single parents find it hard to find people to date? And, those without kids, do you stay away from people who've been married and have kids?

I have noticed that most guys in my age range have kids, but their are significantly older than mine (as in, college age...). So I run into the situation that those people are over and done with the little kid phase so they're not at all interested in dating someone with little kids. And men who have younger kids - somehow our weekend schedules don't match up so that makes it a WEE BIT difficult to date when you have opposite kid schedules.

I also met someone who has never been married, no kids. But I'm skeptical of a guy who has no kids as to why he'd be the slightest bit interested in dating someone who has little kids. So I then question that all together - is he a weirdo? Is he desperate? Etc.

So I'm curious to hear from those who are single parents and have dated. And also from those who are not parents, what your thoughts are on dating someone who has kids.

THANKS!!

nammer79

I grew close to a woman with 3 kids and if she hadn't dated one of my boys in the past I would of asked her out. We are now in that famous friends zone which is fine since I see her more like a little sister now and I love her kids even when they drive me crazy.

She has recently found a new boy toy and they are happy together which is a great thing. So don't lose hope and remember there are lots of people out there all with their own kind of thinking.

DMZ_1

As a single person without kids, there's no way I could foresee myself being in a long term relationship with a woman with kids. Dating is already complicated enough without adding existing kids into the mix.

SaintOnEarth

Personally, if I find a woman who I think I could see myself in the future with, whether or not she has kids should not be a deal breaker; however, knowing that she has kids would mean that I would go into the relationship willing to take full responsibility of her child as my "own". I believe if you go into a relationship with someone with a child, you accept everything in their life as your own, including children.. just my personal opinion though..

MiaOrange

I've been away from my ex-husband for over 7 and 1/2 years and raising our 2 kids 100% alone. I haven't dated anyone since I left him. I've wanted to date though. I like working out at home, hanging out watching sci-fi movies, going to school/work and I don't go to bars... Hard to meet men with that way, I guess

christine24t

At my age, I wouldn't date a man who had kids. But when I'm older, it would have no bearing on me deciding to date them most likely!

JanieJack

I find a man who makes great effort to be a good dad EXTREMELY attractive!

I don't take kids into account when just meeting someone, but if it were to be come long term, and they have kids then that means I'm not just evaluating his presence in my life but also the ex-wife and whether our parenting styles will mesh.

Showgirlbody

I do not date people with kids. Well, at least I do not actively seek to date someone with kids. Online, I will filter it so that only people without children came up. But, I don't know what would happen if I really hit it off with someone in real life who happened to have kids. I might re-evaluate. I'm in my mid 30's so it's getting less likely to find someone without a marriage or child, but since it is Los Angeles, there are still plenty of "older" people who haven't started families yet. My friends are just now starting. I am not really a kid person. Not sure if I will have any and I know I don't have the best patience for kid stuff. No cartoons for me. I take my nieces in small doses. I'm getting better but I want a companion to be able to do stuff with and you can't go do the things you want to do if you have children in tow. I'd probably be more understanding with younger kids than grown though. I do know people late 30's and early 40's who have late teens kids and that is just too weird to think that they are pretty much done when I haven't even started. I wouldn't be able to relate to someone with that kind of life experience, in that way they would seem more seasoned than me. Total lifestyle clash. Honestly, a big reason not to deal with kids is that I don't want baby mama drama. I don't need that complication in my life.

I think there are a lot of people who don't have expectations regarding dating with children. Many people really love kids and have a lot of patience for them. I see how the custody thing could be weird if you do find a single dad but they have kids on weekends when yours are away, or vice versa. I guess it just takes more coordination with schedules and activities and baby sitters. Maybe a meetup for single moms and dads in your area can at least let you socialize with people in your situation and then maybe you will find someone you click with romantically, too.

DMZ_1

Just reading all these stories reinforces in my mind the strategy I'm pursuing now. I am looking for a meaningful long term relationship that takes me off the market for a very long time. I don't want to have my dating pool shrunk as I get older (my target market of females would eventually skew old enough that many would have kids). Right now, kids are not a significant issue with who I am attracted to, but I think in 5 years it would start to become a concern.

I would say that it would be easier for single men with kids to date. In theory, a single man with kids could be totally hands off with their kid and prospective dates wouldn't even know they had a kid. It is much harder for a mother to walk away from parenthood.

AllanMisner

Once you get past 33, you pretty much have to expect that most of the women you meet are going to have kids. Once you get past 45, you can expect that some or all of them are adult kids. That supposes you date close to your age.

While I think it is important for you to have an ideal for your match, if you put too many silly ones in there, you might just miss out on something wonderful.

But that being said, I don't want any more kids (I did an awesome job on the one I did have). That cuts a whole segment of women out. Also, I don't want to be a dad to another woman's child. That usually means that her children will have to be over 10 years old or have a very good relationship with their father.

Lastly, I used to think that it would be good to date a woman who can't have children. Question answered, right? Nope. They often have issues, particularly as they get older (a clock with no answer).

DMZ_1

Lastly, I used to think that it would be good to date a woman who can't have children. Question answered, right? Nope. They often have issues, particularly as they get older (a clock with no answer).

Interesting thought. Please go on with this topic. I'd be glad to read your insight.

AllanMisner

Lastly, I used to think that it would be good to date a woman who can't have children. Question answered, right? Nope. They often have issues, particularly as they get older (a clock with no answer).

Interesting thought. Please go on with this topic. I'd be glad to read your insight.

When a woman wants something she can't have, you have to deal with it. As a guy, you want to fix things. Its what we do. She complains, we fix it. Right? You can't fix that and you can't use logic to ease her pain. You just have to listen. And then be willing to deal with nephews and nieces taking priority because they're the closest thing she has to her own.

La_Amazona

The guy I'm dating right now has a daughter. He is active in her life. He's 35, she's 8. I'm not sure if I'd pursue a LTR with someone with kids but I suppose if I was really into him I would. As long as there was 1 kid (not multiple) and they were a bit older (over 5).

PeekABooGirl

Well having kids in the mix certainly makes it more difficult to date. As I mentioned, I have my kids with me most of the time - aside from every other weekend when they're with their dad. And I will NOT introduce them to anyone I"m dating unless it turns into something more serious, with the potential for long-term. I'm not going to have different men walking in and out of their lives.

So it seems that really my only options are dating men who happen to also have younger kids AND who happen to be on the same weekend schedule as me. HAHA Tall order, eh? Although the guy I'm going out with this weekend has no kids and is totally cool with me having kids. He is unable to have kids of his own, so perhaps that's why...

But I should note, for those who say they don't want to be a father to someone else's kids - As a single mom I can honestly say that I'm not wanting a man to take over as a father figure. My kids have a father who they see regularly and talk to almost every day. They don't need a new dad. Obviously having a new man around would impact them (and him) in the sense that he would, by default, become another authority figure over them. But that's no different than if my regular friends were hanging out with us, etc. I expect them to respect adults and their authority. My best friend married a man who was previously married and had a son from that marriage. It's been about 8 yrs now and she loves that kid like he's her own. She has had no qualms at all as she saw it as a package deal - love me, love my kids.

I think you limit yourself greatly if you completely rule out dating someone with kids - just because someone had a failed marriage doesn't mean they failed or aren't a good catch. It's along the lines of dating someone with 2 dogs and 3 cats. Are you going to avoid dating them just because they have a ton of pets? Or will you learn to embrace those pets?

AnnaPixie

I dont have a problem dating guys with kids.

I also have male friends and ex b/f's that have fallen for women with kids. Doesnt seem to be a problem there either.

I think when you meet someone you want to be with, you adapt to each other's lifestyles. In this day and age step families are very common. I dont think its a big issue at all.

Good luck finding your soul mate, he won't mind you having children :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

Lastly, I used to think that it would be good to date a woman who can't have children. Question answered, right? Nope. They often have issues, particularly as they get older (a clock with no answer).

Interesting thought. Please go on with this topic. I'd be glad to read your insight.

When a woman wants something she can't have, you have to deal with it. As a guy, you want to fix things. Its what we do. She complains, we fix it. Right? You can't fix that and you can't use logic to ease her pain. You just have to listen. And then be willing to deal with nephews and nieces taking priority because they're the closest thing she has to her own.

I dont have children and I dont have issues about it, so just wanted to say that I understand you may have had a bad experience but you have to judge each person individually and not generalise the situation. Not all women who can't/didnt have children are bothered about it. That's all :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

As a single mom I can honestly say that I'm not wanting a man to take over as a father figure. My kids have a father who they see regularly and talk to almost every day. They don't need a new dad.

Everyone's situation is different, and part of what I am looking for in a man is someone who will be a good father/mentor/role model to my son. When we lived in the same town, my ex told the lawyer he didn't want visitation because he had other things to do. Now we live in different states, and unless I make the effort to take him to visit his father, he never sees him (calls maybe every 6 weeks, often at my request). So I want a man who is a good father, or at least is willing to learn how to parent.

I will admit, it is harder for me to date than for other single moms because I don't get occasional "weekends off" like my friends (haha, hence the opinion I expressed on the breakfast date thread).

jeepzilla

nothing wrong with dating someone with children I have children and have dated women with children, not an issue like someone said earlier at the age people have children If you never dated someone with a child or children you might want to, could be the best thing you ever did, at least you would know what it would be like to feel a family atmosphere. Plus why limit yourself you could be missing a really good guy.

Steelheart7

I think sometimes seeing someone interact with their children can be the biggest turn-on ever.

I know myself I don't want a father for my child .. he has one. But I certainly wouldn't rule out anyone that has children ..

Moe4572

I don't have children, but I am attracted to men that do have children. And, for some reason most of the men I am attracted to have custody of their children, or have them more than the ex. My ex husband had a child from previous marriage and she was only 2 when we met, 5 when we married, and unfortunately she was on the other side of the country, BUT when we did have her things always went very well, and my family embraced her as they would any bio child I would have had.

So, I do not avoid men that have children.........but I don't seek them out either (I just have the uncanny knack of finding them )

PeekABooGirl

As a single mom I can honestly say that I'm not wanting a man to take over as a father figure. My kids have a father who they see regularly and talk to almost every day. They don't need a new dad.

Everyone's situation is different, and part of what I am looking for in a man is someone who will be a good father/mentor/role model to my son. When we lived in the same town, my ex told the lawyer he didn't want visitation because he had other things to do. Now we live in different states, and unless I make the effort to take him to visit his father, he never sees him (calls maybe every 6 weeks, often at my request). So I want a man who is a good father, or at least is willing to learn how to parent.

I will admit, it is harder for me to date than for other single moms because I don't get occasional "weekends off" like my friends (haha, hence the opinion I expressed on the breakfast date thread).

Oh certainly every situation is different. But I think there's a misconception that all single parents are looking for someone to be a replacement parent to their kids. SOme are, some aren't. Now I do agree that I want a positive role model for my girls. I don't necessarily believe their dad is a great role model. And certainly they've never been exposed to seeing what a loving male/female relationship is really like.

nananie2

But I should note, for those who say they don't want to be a father to someone else's kids - As a single mom I can honestly say that I'm not wanting a man to take over as a father figure. My kids have a father who they see regularly and talk to almost every day. They don't need a new dad. Obviously having a new man around would impact them (and him) in the sense that he would, by default, become another authority figure over them. But that's no different than if my regular friends were hanging out with us, etc. I expect them to respect adults and their authority.

Exactly.

Most men I've told that to got offended. Why? :ohwell:

Meghan0116

Well this is a rather upsetting thread. My son is three and I am very selective about who gets to meet him, hence not a whole lot of dating. I don't mind dating a single dad or a guy without kids. To me it is about the guy.

I am disappointed that having a child immediately puts me off the market to so many guys. My dating life is separate from my home life. My son has a father and I am not looking for a replacement. I would like more children in the future but it isn't a necessity as I couldn't do any better than Donovan.

chicky89

Personally, if I find a woman who I think I could see myself in the future with, whether or not she has kids should not be a deal breaker; however, knowing that she has kids would mean that I would go into the relationship willing to take full responsibility of her child as my "own". I believe if you go into a relationship with someone with a child, you accept everything in their life as your own, including children.. just my personal opinion though..

Good for you!!!


I'm single with no kids, however I have and would date men with kids.

flimflamfloz

I'm 29 - so most women I date are in their 20s.
I would find it scary to date a woman with kids as I know I wouldn't be able to handle the kid part. It's just too far from my current mindset/concerns/goals in life, so I would probably not even be a good match for a woman with kids anyway.
I have no desire to be a father at the moment and I allow myself to be irresponsible by choice (that is I have chosen to burden myself with as little responsibilities as I can so that I can do what I want, when I want without worrying about any consequences).

savlyon

Just reading all these stories reinforces in my mind the strategy I'm pursuing now. I am looking for a meaningful long term relationship that takes me off the market for a very long time. I don't want to have my dating pool shrunk as I get older (my target market of females would eventually skew old enough that many would have kids). Right now, kids are not a significant issue with who I am attracted to, but I think in 5 years it would start to become a concern.

I would say that it would be easier for single men with kids to date. In theory, a single man with kids could be totally hands off with their kid and prospective dates wouldn't even know they had a kid. It is much harder for a mother to walk away from parenthood.

I would imagine it is easier for a single dad to date. However, as a single mom, I am going to be very judgmental about how they parent. If they only have them 4 days a month, if they are very hands off, if they have a poor relationship with the mother of their children...boom...I'm gone. A single dad might find it easier to date (if you mean getting laid) but might find it more challenging to find a meaningful relationship!

JanieJack

I think sometimes seeing someone interact with their children can be the biggest turn-on ever.

Many of my girl friends are QUITE attracted to guys who are good with my son. Just something about a manly-man who also has a soft spot for kids. Lol!

JanieJack

Well this is a rather upsetting thread...I am disappointed that having a child immediately puts me off the market to so many guys.

Oh honey, I'm one big walking conglomeration of what can put you out of the market without even having a chance. In case you were wondering why someone so fabulous is still single, lol!

- Single Parent
- African American (seriously! I've had 3 guys like me until they find that out and then "Oh, I'm sorry, we're not gonna work I thought you were Puerto Rican)
- Unsavory characters in my family tree (nevermind the fact that I pulled myself out of all that mess and am highly respected in the community)

I even had one guy tell me he didn't think we'd work out because I was married to the same guy for 12 years, was faithful to him, and "well, that's just weird! No one does that anymore." What cracks me up is he asked me out again after that... uh NO!

JanieJack

I have no desire to be a father at the moment

hehe neither did my stepdad... he and my mom were just a fling...both insisted this was just for fun and wouldn't lead to marriage... 24 years later (22 married) they're still going strong, lol!

Steelheart7

- African American (seriously! I've had 3 guys like me until they find that out and then "Oh, I'm sorry, we're not gonna work I thought you were Puerto Rican)

]

are you freaking kidding me??

JanieJack

Man I hate that I missed out on whatever else you said...

No, I'm not kidding. I've been told that 3 times to my face (in the last 3 years). Back in college, one told me his parents said not to bring home that black girl, so I'm not surprised by it.

But, unfortunately for some really nice guys, that made me quick to jump ship if I felt his family might be bigoted, and when I jump ship it's basically like, "won't work, don't contact me" so they never got an explanation. Nowadays, if I'm dating someone from another race I try to ask the question up front. And if they say I'm the first black girl they've ever dated I know to take it with a grain of salt. Even if they're great and really like me, society (and family) can ruin things. Even in today's world.