I dont understand my lack of success with dating

Gionni

Ok guys, I have some tough questions that I need some honest feedback about! I trust my MFP friends because I think we have a similar personality type plus a desire to improve our lives. I am having a terrible time with the dating scene. What do I mean ? I can not get a date to save my life! I am getting to the point where I have to lie to people and say " I am focusing on my career and wellness right now ." I am pretty social ( I go out a lot ) and I think I have have a decent personality though some feel that I am a bit intense at times. I hardly meet people when I go out and if I do they are USUAL pretty skanky (like strippers). By the way, I have tried hanging out everywhere, from the SUPER high end places to the "hole in the walls."

I tried online dating for years get ZERO interest. I never get any responses to my ads and I people never answer the messages that I send them. Over the years I have only had 1 or 2 meetings they usually end up bad. When I was younger I used to meet people on AOL chat rooms where it was instant attraction or instant rejection. Those don't really exist anymore so thats no longer an option. My mom says that my standards are to high, but I don't think so. I just need someone that isn't a complete retard and some one that is attractive. Ill even compromise on the "not a retard " requirement if we have enough chemistry !

So heres the question, what am I doing wrong? Am I ugly or something ? I don't see why people are so uptight about just going out once! I see guys WAY worse looking than me having CRAZY success. I am 29 have a great job, cool car, house and I am in OK shape. I see all these nice women with losers that have none of the above AND I many of them aren't even that attractive. Help me figure this out and please be honest!

Gionni

Here is link to one of my dating profiles


http://www.okcupid.com/profile/gionnibe

Carl01

If your username or email for the dating sites is wanna****u@.....com or similar perhaps that is a road block.

Hope that is helpful.

Carl01

Serious answer is no idea.
I live out in the sticks for now so that is one problem...just not many available bodies.
Then the whole attraction and sorting out process from there so it is tough.

Steelheart7

Ok . so I read you profile .. it seems like you work an awful lot .. travel alot during the week and then work on the weekends too? No wonder you can't meet anyone!

I thought it had enough funny in it and enough serious in it.

Honestly I think that you sound intimidating. Like no one would measure up to your high standards. Couple that with the fact that you seem to be gone alot .. there might be your answer?

Gionni

Maybe I am pretty intense! i do travel a lot but I am home for the fun part of the week (Thursday -Monday). I guess I dont see that as an issue, maybe thats the problem

Lizi19

What kind of first message do you send? I only used to reply to thoughtful tailored messages.
You're profile seems great, the only thing that would bug me is the "you should message me if" section. I don't like when people start listing things there.
I can also be because you are not a white male. I read one of those reports from OKCupid, and apparently girls (of any race) respond more to white males :noway:

JanieJack

um... well... .took a look at your profile and will inbox you some stuff... but if you've read anything I wrote on this site so far, you know I'm not exactly "normal."

christine24t

Honestly, I think it looks great. But if I could offer one piece of advice, and this is just my personal taste...I dislike self taken photos in the mirror. I usually don't bother to read on if I see them. Something just turns me off about them. That's just my taste though - it's totally up to you what you like!

AnnaPixie

"What can I say to make this interesting ? I have a very interesting life filled with interesting people"


Take that out my friend. Its saying nothing! For some reason, any profile I read that starts with a 'what can I say' or 'this is the hard bit' or 'I dont like talking about myself' makes me move on to the next one profile! I think you need a catchy first line!! Or just a simple, Hi my name is......

Then, I agree with @helovesme87, you have too much work in there. You seem like a workaholic! Women dont like workaholics, they think you wont have any time for THEM!! Enough to say you have a good job that you enjoy. Then focus on things you like doing outside of work , things that the girl would be involved with. Make that appealing.

And stop saying that online dating isnt successful for you!! Because the person reading it will believe you and move on!!

I hope that helps :flowerforyou:

flimflamfloz

Overall good IMHO.

Agree with the pic taken in front of the mirror. Perhaps try to put 3 shots of yourself in different situation (face, sport?, at a bar?)... stuff like that.

I would eliminate the negative vibe from your (overall) good profile:
Don't put that kind of stuff:
"What can I say to make this interesting ?"
"What I am NOT good at is online dating!"
"Totally different culture." is kinda scary...
"What else do I need ?"... Why are you here then?
"VERY high intelligence" Really? :noway: You must have a big head then.

Try to be more assertive:
"You're going to find this interesting!"
"Online dating has been fun so far."
Perhaps crack a few jokes and be more light-hearted about your possessions, your career (why so serious?).

Well... I'm far from being a pro at online dating (trying new stuff at the moment ) but what I see in your profile is:
a bit of negativity, an all-in-all decent but forgettable profile (in the sense that apart from a bit of anger and exasperation, I won't remember much of it). I think it's a good start, but perhaps girls won't be snapping their fingers saying "he's the man!".

Also perhaps make it feel more personal rather than an accumulation of facts?

But I agree, online dating is a fine balance to strike so don't take my advice only.

Gionni

I googled what Lizi19 said about being black male hurting my chances and I found this GREAT article with data. I think it's interesting

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

RoboLikes

You list your best attributes as your teeth and smile, I would post a picture where you can see both

AllanMisner

This may be somewhat of a repeat, but I think you hit the nail on the head, you are far too intense on the site. When I opened your picture I was staring at a screen full of face, not smiling, not angry, but, yes, intense (and perhaps intimidating).

Take that picture out and never show it online again.

In it's place, put three other pictures. A shot that shows head and face (and please smile, it's not a mugshot). A full body picture dressed well. And an group picture. Women want to know that a man has friends and knows how to have a good time.

Then, on the ad itself. You are far to depreciating and all you talk about is work. A single sentence/paragraph that says you're a trainer (that travels to various cities in the US) and work part time at an Apple store is enough. Then get into who you are. Men associate self with jobs. Women associate men with what they feel, do and act like when they're not at work.

And remember, online is just one way to meet people. But you're not going to do well in a bar, because yes, you're too intense. Find an active hobby, kayaking, hiking, tennis, running, etc. Then join a co-ed group that does this regularly. Meetup.com is a good start for meeting people like that. Once you're out having a good time, you'll loosen up and probably find someone who sees past that first, rough impression. Ladies in bars never get past that.

AnnaPixie

I googled what Lizi19 said about being black male hurting my chances and I found this GREAT article with data. I think it's interesting

http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

I think that its obvious that not all races are attracted outside their own race, or to every other race! Why didnt they compare the reply rates within same races? Kinda seems like an unfair comparison to me :flowerforyou:

DMZ_1

Hey there!

I think you are over reliant on 2 mediums-online dating sites and bars. By far, those are the two worst ways to meet compatible singles. You should be meeting people through your day to day activities and your friends/existing people that you already know. I wouldn't feel bad about this, as many people are over reliant on these 2 mediums.

Women shouldn't be with you because of your great job and cool car. If you sell these things as reasons to be with you, women will be with you because of those things. Women should be with you because of who you are, not things you have. If a woman is with you because you have a high paying, what happens when that job disappears? Especially in this economy, a job can disappear in an instant. Granted, I know nothing about your personal circumstances, but keep a very close eye on the way you present yourself.

Other people mentioned travel and work. Dating and developing/maintaining a relationship takes time. This is a consideration.

With online dating, a more relaxed, smiling, fun photo would be better. Don't expect a miracle with that change though. The focus should not be on online dating.

flimflamfloz

I googled what Lizi19 said about being black male hurting my chances and I found this GREAT article with data. I think it's interesting
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

I think that its obvious that not all races are attracted outside their own race, or to every other race! Why didnt they compare the reply rates within same races? Kinda seems like an unfair comparison to me :flowerforyou:

It's obvious indeed, but now you have numbers to back it up (not sure how scientific their study is, I just read it in diagonals) and if someone says: "naaaah can't be true", you can say that you've seen some study on it and that even if it isn't true with them in particular, it is still true in general so they should shut up.

Reply rates within the same races are here: you need to look at it line by line (or by column).

But in a culturally "white-dominated" world (perhaps it sucks, but it's true: cinema, music, TV, newspaper, fashion, ...) it is no surprise that people are taught to "love" white people more (white is imprinted in their mind). Maybe "subconscious racism" if you absolutely want to use the R word but IMHO rather an arrangement of society (a vicious circle) that makes it so and prevent people from changing anything...
Well perhaps in a few years, being Chinese will be all the hype!

Women as well get the upper hand, and they pretty much have a 50% reply rate. Except for black women :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

I googled what Lizi19 said about being black male hurting my chances and I found this GREAT article with data. I think it's interesting
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-race-affects-whether-people-write-you-back/

I think that its obvious that not all races are attracted outside their own race, or to every other race! Why didnt they compare the reply rates within same races? Kinda seems like an unfair comparison to me :flowerforyou:

It's obvious indeed, but now you have numbers to back it up (not sure how scientific their study is, I just read it in diagonals) and if someone says: "naaaah can't be true", you can say that you've seen some study on it and that even if it isn't true with them in particular, it is still true in general so they should shut up.

Reply rates within the same races are here: you need to look at it line by line (or by column).

But in a culturally "white-dominated" world (perhaps it sucks, but it's true: cinema, music, TV, newspaper, fashion, ...) it is no surprise that people are taught to "love" white people more (white is imprinted in their mind). Maybe "subconscious racism" if you absolutely want to use the R word but IMHO rather an arrangement of society (a vicious circle) that makes it so and prevent people from changing anything...
Well perhaps in a few years, being Chinese will be all the hype!

Women as well get the upper hand, and they pretty much have a 50% reply rate. Except for black women :flowerforyou:

I dont think its got to do with racism Flamfloz (although I'm not discounting that plays a part too!), I think its more to do with physical attraction and cultural differences. Inter racial relationships have worked for centuries, but they also dont work. Did you see 'Fat gypsy weddings' last night? It was about the travellers marrying outside their 'kind'. Its very rare and most of them dont work as they are soooooo culturally different. There are many examples of this, from race to race, religion to religion and culture to culture. Some just dont blend that easily.

Although, I'm multi race, so it obviously worked with my ancestors!! :laugh: But, if we are to believe the statistics above (IF its true, I agree it could easily be contrived), its not commonplace.

JanieJack

Women as well get the upper hand, and they pretty much have a 50% reply rate. Except for black women :flowerforyou:

Tell me about it! I've told a couple of stories on this forum about my experiences on this...I seriously know of a girl (my friend's sister) who does not tell people she's black. She tells them she's Puerto Rican. Somehow that's more palatable to the men (even though PRs are ancestrally black with spanish... so I don't get it).

La_Amazona

Women as well get the upper hand, and they pretty much have a 50% reply rate. Except for black women :flowerforyou:

tell me about it! I've told a couple of stories on this thread about my experiences on this and can tell more if you want...I seriously know of a girl (my friend's sister) who does not tell people she's black. She tells them she's Puerto Rican. Somehow that's better (even though PRs are ancestrally black with spanish... so I don't get it). She doesn't get guys eyes glaze over like I do when they hear that I'm "black."

That's ridiculous..

I wonder if it's the same for latinos/ latinas?

Hmm... I say because a lot of the guys I've gone out on dates have not dated a latin girl before. I'm their first which makes it seem like I'm an expirement. haha

2stepz

Don't take this the wrong way - you asked for honest feed back.

It's not your looks... it's you. Your profile comes across as someone who is very superficial, about the appearances and the money. The questions you've answered show a lack of trust and compassion. Not qualities very many women are looking for.

JanieJack

That's ridiculous..

I wonder if it's the same for latinos/ latinas?

I don't think so... I've had quite a few guys get that "turned, off eyes glazed" look when they're flirting with me, ask my background, and I tell them I'm half Italian and half Black. Usually they'll say, "Oh, I thought you were Puerto Rican or Latina,"and they'll move on. Nowadays, I usually just say I'm part Italian, and that goes over better. But anyone who knows me more than a few weeks will quickly discover I'm part Black because when you live in a place that still has "white doors" and "black doors" it's hard not to get upset.

yoovie

What kind of girls are you going for? Maybe its your type or your target group that you need to rethink?

yoovie

Yeah also- you say you want a girl who is FIT and you are a trainer- but you only have one pic of your FACESUPERCLOSEUP - you better post a body shot if you've got body preferences on your radar. Also- lol @ your iPhone case? really? ahaaha

mnwalkingqueen

Don't take this the wrong way - you asked for honest feed back.

It's not your looks... it's you. Your profile comes across as someone who is very superficial, about the appearances and the money. The questions you've answered show a lack of trust and compassion. Not qualities very many women are looking for.

As an online dater myself. I agree you are good looking but I felt after reading your profile that you are very materialistic (personally huge turn off for me). You talked alot about money and the list of things you couldn't live without were all material items. I think you were clear that you have lots of time on the weekends so I don't think the working part is an issue. I thought it was weird that you put in there that you up date from the city your working in. I just got an very full of himself and material things vibe when reading your profile.

yoovie

^ this

Monti_e_lmt

Ok . so I read you profile .. it seems like you work an awful lot .. travel alot during the week and then work on the weekends too? No wonder you can't meet anyone!

I thought it had enough funny in it and enough serious in it.

Honestly I think that you sound intimidating. Like no one would measure up to your high standards. Couple that with the fact that you seem to be gone alot .. there might be your answer?

^agree. I wouldn't think I was good enough. I have a career but sometimes it is slow at work, and I feel like you would judge me for not making good money like you. It is really nice that you are proud of what you have BUT you sound a little concerned with possessions and money. That will be fine if you find a girl that is the same way, and there are plenty out there, but this is coming from the most down to earth person you can think of. Also, the retard thing put a flag up, maybe you could say you are looking for an intelligent person. You do seem picky, BUT I can't call you on that because I have specific things I want as well, but I've been alone for so long that I am letting those fall away and accepting that I am passing over good men, or scaring them off. I think my appearance has a lot to do with it too. As far as appearance goes, you are very clean cut and attractive, you look like you may like order and cleanliness. Just evaluating.

foremant86

hate to break it to you but a woman isn't likely to respond because you travel so much and are only in a town for a day or two or whatever.

Anytime I've ever gotten a message on a dating site from a guy who was only in the area for work i immediately thought "booty call"

Odds are women are thinking the same way. I would recommend sticking to finding women in the area you currently live in.

also I wouldn't put a word in bold and capitalize it when it's not spelled right - PREDICABLE (predictable)


You talk a lot about money and material possessions. that's a pretty huge turn off for anyone who isn't a gold digger

yoovie

this entire thread is proof that girls care less about work and money than the stigma you drop on us.

sofaking6

Overall good IMHO.

Agree with the pic taken in front of the mirror. Perhaps try to put 3 shots of yourself in different situation (face, sport?, at a bar?)... stuff like that.

I would eliminate the negative vibe from your (overall) good profile:
Don't put that kind of stuff:
"What can I say to make this interesting ?"
"What I am NOT good at is online dating!"
"Totally different culture." is kinda scary...
"What else do I need ?"... Why are you here then?
"VERY high intelligence" Really? :noway: You must have a big head then.

I couldn't agree more with all of this..get rid of the negativity and superiority. Get rid of the scary/intense picture and get some shots of you smiling and doing activities with other people.

Also..for me I would have stopped right where you say you're changing your profile city to wherever you're travelling that week..it makes it sound like you're looking for a string of out of town quickies. Stick with your city and write something about how you're out of town during the week and so it makes you want your weekends to be really special, something like that?

AllanMisner

this entire thread is proof that girls care less about work and money than the stigma you drop on us.

No, women still seem on one extreme or the other. They either only care about money, or they don't and chase the under-employed bad boy. There are very few women who seem to understand there is a balance.