Steps

raisydaisy

So - Step one was really simple for me. I had done it before my first meeting. In yet another attempt to control everything and everyone around me because I couldn't control myself, I sat alone in my car, in tears and came to the realisation that I was really, really out of control. If I didn't do something about it now, my life was going to nose dive into a black hole that I probably would not recover from. I would lose my husband, my kids, everything. So I found a meeting. I was afraid of what this new path was going to bring, but I was more afraid of what I could see ahead on the path I was on. Such relief to admit - I am powerless over food and my life is unmanageable.

In my first week in the program, Step two came naturally. Whenever I found myself in a possible binge situation I automatically prayed for help to walk away. I realised I already believed in a HP. Could this HP restore me to sanity? Was I insane. I thought back to the day before my first meeting. Yeah... I was insane. I don't believe I could restore myself, heck I'm a crazy person right??? I have spent the last 15 years trying to make someone else save me, only resulting in me laying blame on just about everyone I met. I was never saved. So the HP has to be it. I am comfortable with that idea. I want that to happen. If not a HP then who?

So Step three should be a doodle, right? I believe that I need a HP to restore me to sanity, because nobody and nothing else can do it. So just turn my life and will over to the HP. I've hit a wall. I don't trust my HP. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid all that would hurt too much.

I have no other plan to get past this other than to continue to write, share at meetings, listen at meetings and as well as committing to my food plan everyday as part of my abstinence, I will also go through the motions of committing my life and will to my HP every morning and hope one day it sticks.

Thanks for letting me get this out.

scarlettsky7

she wrote words in the sand, describing who she no longer wanted to be and words to describe what she no longer wanted in her life - things that no longer served a purpose. then the ocean washed away all her words, and she let go.

i trust that the ocean will always be there for me, all i have to do is seek it. it is always going to be more powerful and bigger than me. it is beautiful and placid reminding me to trust in the process of life, and that i am safe in its presence listening to the rhythm of the waves. my inner peace is restored once again.

then there are times when it is turbulent, and i cant trust the waters. but i survive every time, and those are the moments when i know the strength is within myself and can withstand anything. i dont expect the ocean to always be calm, and there is a certain beauty in its chaos.

the ocean is a higher power that will hold onto the qualities i dont want to possess, and the weight of my worries without being burdened so i can walk freely on the sand again feeling the support of the world under my toes. i trust the ocean to be there waiting for me, waving to me, beckoning me. it is a beautiful and unstable force at times, but i trust the ocean to be the ocean.