Lets go back to the start...things could get emotional
nibbynoo
Posts: 250 Member
If no one wants to post in this one as its quite personal fair play but i think it could help with the issues that cause us all to comfort eat.
can you remember how it started, or a point when you knew you had a problem?maybe even the reasons why you need to do it.
If we can get it all out in the open and talk it through touchy-feely-sisterhood-of-the-travelling-pants-style then it might help to find a way to stop!
I will start to spur you lot on!
My mum was really ill with cancer but struggled to the family meals EVERY day for 14 years until she died. I thought if I didn't eat ALL of it she would think I was ungrateful (which is ridiculous looking back!) but she had worked so hard to make it and I have never left a dirty plate since really. If its in front of me, I will eat it.
I used to also buy chocolate bars on the way home from school and eat them out of my pocket so no one could see! The chocolate made me feel good so I did it every day.
sharing is good :P lol
don't hold back just vent
can you remember how it started, or a point when you knew you had a problem?maybe even the reasons why you need to do it.
If we can get it all out in the open and talk it through touchy-feely-sisterhood-of-the-travelling-pants-style then it might help to find a way to stop!
I will start to spur you lot on!
My mum was really ill with cancer but struggled to the family meals EVERY day for 14 years until she died. I thought if I didn't eat ALL of it she would think I was ungrateful (which is ridiculous looking back!) but she had worked so hard to make it and I have never left a dirty plate since really. If its in front of me, I will eat it.
I used to also buy chocolate bars on the way home from school and eat them out of my pocket so no one could see! The chocolate made me feel good so I did it every day.
sharing is good :P lol
don't hold back just vent
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My mum and dad used to tell us when we were little to eat all of our dinner and then we could have desert, so I used to eat fast and cram it in. I also used to save the "best" part of the meal till last and then I would be sure to eat whats on the plate. I still eat like this now..........
I am a big comfort eater also, I lost a lot of weight in my early 20's and got in a bad relationship and was hurt in a really huge way, I put the weight back on as a defense mechanism, no one wants to date the fat bird and therefore I won't get hurt.
Well its time to suck it up!
My mum died when I was only a baby, my auntie adopted me (hence mum and dad in the first paragraph! Confusing!!) but I always struggled with this deep down, and always thought that my life was a ticking time bomb, and I would die like she did at 30. I didn't, I am 31 now, but since hitting 30 and a half (sounds daft but I was convinced this was when I would happen) I feel a sense of release and I have been trying my hardest to experience all that life has to offer. I want to lose weight now to continue to do this and eventually climb mt kilimanjaru!
Sharing is good! Thanks for listening and thanks for starting this off! x0 -
I believe virtually everyone who is over weight has emotional reasons. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years sexually, physically and psychologically. Eating comforted me and its been hard to get out of the habit. All my siblings and mum have the same issues so I wonder if we learnt it from mum too. I really don't know. The relationship ramped it up big time though! Zara X0
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well done! i didnt expect such honest posts!
do either of you two know how fricken amazing you are for trying to fix these problems? it really is like alcoholics anon say- admitting it is the first step! Changing your life is a ridiculously hard thing to do but we have all done it and are ready to reap the rewards!
Men are a huge reason why most women seem to comfort eat (not blaming men outright if any read this!) i have convinced myself that i will never find a man until i am thin, and other friends have done this to and even if people do show interest i just push them away as its easier! You can be the 'chubby, bubbly friend' and never get in too deep!0 -
Well you can sort a problem unless you are 100% honest can you!
I didn't realise how amazing life was until I stood at the top of Ben Nevis last July and was literally on top of the UK and from that point I knew anything was POSSIBLE!!!
I cannot wait to change my life for good this time, and I have the support of people on here to help me at every step of the way and also have a fantastic support network in my personal life.
Thanks for the support
Jaqui x0 -
Hi. I'm Alisa. My pattern has been to start each day with renewed resolve, eating a healthy breakfast, probably a healthy lunch, and then blow it in the evening. I will comfort eat pretty much whatever there is at dinner. I feel tired and emotionally drained at the end of the day at work. When I get home, I want to be there emotionally for my family, but feel like I have so little to draw on that I soothe myself with too much of whatever we are eating while trying to respond to the multiple "Mom! Mom! Mom!"s, questions, requests, etc of my three kids. I love my kids and want to hear about their day and answer their requests but feel overwhelmed so take a mini mental vacation on the ship of whatever tastes and sensations the food can distract me with. I eat until I am too full and then feel guilty and irritable. Not a good cycle. If it's a night where we go out, especially to a pub/restaurant, then adding a beer or wine just lowers my inhibitions about when to set down the damn fork. I'm working on de-stressing prior to getting home, mainly through adding some exercise or even a 10 minute quiet break before going home. This past week (since Monday), I've been doing better. I even passed up an invitation for us all to head over to our friends' house for beer and pizza on the porch because I just knew I felt too fragile still with this attempted to change to have a reasonable shot of making good decisions in that kind of setting. Glad I did too, because I don't have anything to regret today Keeping on doing well long term, that's the real challenge... 0
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I'm always honest... And open. I want people to know you can get through an abusive relationship - maybe a little worse for wear but you can do it. I have an amazing fiance, we've been together 4 years. 2 amazing step kids. Had major surgery recently. My contraceptive pill caused tumours on my liver, had to have them removed obviously with part of my liver. Also had my gall bladder removed. Been in and out of hospital for 2 years with associated pain and now struggling to recover and got extra health problems thrown it. Currently suffering from vertigo and terrible anxiety and trying to recover from the operation. Times are hard and the temptation is to comfort eat. I have eaten a lot of crisps this week, but I'm determined to snap out of it and told the partner he's not allowed to buy anymore. I'm not as bad as I was but I still use food for comfort. X0
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This ^^!!! I always start out great in the day, but by the evening I bomb big time!Hi. I'm Alisa. My pattern has been to start each day with renewed resolve, eating a healthy breakfast, probably a healthy lunch, and then blow it in the evening. I will comfort eat pretty much whatever there is at dinner.
However that is not how it started. I was always a super thin child and very active. I never worried about my weight. When I went through puberty at 13 I started putting on some pounds, but it looked good. I didn't look so ill any more. When I was pregnant the first time I was in a VERY physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He wouldn't let me eat cause he was worried I would become a fat preggo and he hated that. I finally left him when I was 7 months. I moved back in with my folks. I was finally allowed to eat and feed my unborn child and so I let loose...a little too much. I went from having gained 1lb from month 1-7 to gaining 80lbs from month 7-10!!! That is a lot of weight.
I lost 100lbs by the time she was 6 months old and went back to being active and eating well. Only eating when hungry and never over filling.
What I am about to tell you next...I have not shared with anyone but my mom, husband, and therapist. Please I ask it stays in this group. *deep breath*....when my daughter was 5 I was raped by a fellow co-worker. I blame myself partially because I did indeed lead him on. But whatever. I became pregnant and was emotionally devastated. Since I was too scared to tell anyone what really happened I endured A LOT of ridicule and anger for "getting pregnant again and being a floozy".
I remember the exact day the switch got flipped. I was sitting on my dad's recliner and thinking about how I hated my life and things where terrible. And I remember very clearly telling myself...."Who cares about eating well and being physically fit anymore." And at that moment I got up and ate a ton of crap though I wasn't hungry. Something I never did. And I gained 50lbs and never lost it. Luckily the Lord saved me and I have been a Christian since I was 5 months pregnant with her. For almost 6 years now :happy: I have emotionally healed and moved on. I am married to a wonderful and loving man who supports me in my desire to lose weight. Though I have healed emotionally I for some reason still struggle with my eating. I have a hard time flipping the switch back to where it was.
When I joined MFP I lost a lot of weight and did really well! I was 262lbs when I gave birth to my 3rd daughter in Feb 2011 and I am now 200lbs. I want to be healthy this pregnancy, but struggle so much with wanting carbs and comfort food.
Wow that was really long....sorry0 -
I seriously don't know why I'm such a comfort eater. When I was a teenager, I could eat anything (and did) and still only weighed 100 pounds. I started to put on weight when I went to college and basically have gone up since then. I eat for comfort and also when I get bored. I'm really trying to break that cycle. I gave up french fries (and onion rings) and potato chips (and any other kind of chips) for lent and I haven't slipped once! I'm very proud of that. If I can keep that up, maybe I can cut out some of my other weaknesses (sweet tea!).
Thanks to all who shared their very personal and moving stories. Please know that your strength is very motivating to me!0 -
This ^^!!! I always start out great in the day, but by the evening I bomb big time!Hi. I'm Alisa. My pattern has been to start each day with renewed resolve, eating a healthy breakfast, probably a healthy lunch, and then blow it in the evening. I will comfort eat pretty much whatever there is at dinner.
However that is not how it started. I was always a super thin child and very active. I never worried about my weight. When I went through puberty at 13 I started putting on some pounds, but it looked good. I didn't look so ill any more. When I was pregnant the first time I was in a VERY physically and emotionally abusive relationship. He wouldn't let me eat cause he was worried I would become a fat preggo and he hated that. I finally left him when I was 7 months. I moved back in with my folks. I was finally allowed to eat and feed my unborn child and so I let loose...a little too much. I went from having gained 1lb from month 1-7 to gaining 80lbs from month 7-10!!! That is a lot of weight.
I lost 100lbs by the time she was 6 months old and went back to being active and eating well. Only eating when hungry and never over filling.
What I am about to tell you next...I have not shared with anyone but my mom, husband, and therapist. Please I ask it stays in this group. *deep breath*....when my daughter was 5 I was raped by a fellow co-worker. I blame myself partially because I did indeed lead him on. But whatever. I became pregnant and was emotionally devastated. Since I was too scared to tell anyone what really happened I endured A LOT of ridicule and anger for "getting pregnant again and being a floozy".
I remember the exact day the switch got flipped. I was sitting on my dad's recliner and thinking about how I hated my life and things where terrible. And I remember very clearly telling myself...."Who cares about eating well and being physically fit anymore." And at that moment I got up and ate a ton of crap though I wasn't hungry. Something I never did. And I gained 50lbs and never lost it. Luckily the Lord saved me and I have been a Christian since I was 5 months pregnant with her. For almost 6 years now :happy: I have emotionally healed and moved on. I am married to a wonderful and loving man who supports me in my desire to lose weight. Though I have healed emotionally I for some reason still struggle with my eating. I have a hard time flipping the switch back to where it was.
When I joined MFP I lost a lot of weight and did really well! I was 262lbs when I gave birth to my 3rd daughter in Feb 2011 and I am now 200lbs. I want to be healthy this pregnancy, but struggle so much with wanting carbs and comfort food.
Wow that was really long....sorry
Wow. What an incredible story. Thanks for sharing. Hope it felt good. What a horrendous time you've had. Just horrendous. Been in a abusive relationship myself, also feel I've healed but left with the food problems. We are very similar. Good luck sweetheart. Xxx0 -
My weight gain seemed to start when I was about 10. I used to be fit and healthy and ride my bike to and from school every day but my little sister was born, we moved and ever since struggled financially. There were days we didn't have any food so I became accustomed to everything all that I could when I could so I have a problem with portion control. Plus, with the price of fruits and vegetables it was cheaper to buy the cheap stuff which I'm sure didn't help. I noticed when I am stressed, sad, angry or anything I eat. Growing up, I never had many friends and was teased a lot because of my weight so I had very low confidence and self esteem. Only now, because of my wonderful boyfriend of 5 years, have I finally begun to realize I am beautiful no matter what and I have something to offer the world. 5 years ago my Dad was diagnosed with RA and was given Enbrel which caused him Congestive Heart Failure and he almost died. The same day my dad was admitted to the hospital my bf at that time broke up with me. Around that time I had jumped up to nearly 300 lbs. I am tall and very curvy thanks to my family but I have been struggling with my weight for most of my life. My back has given out several times and my knees are in constant pain. I have been trying to change my life in almost all aspects but the weight loss seems to be the hardest. Now, my little sister, who just turned 17, is almost 300lbs and I am very scared and sad for her. I am glad I found this group and especially myfitnesspal. It has done wonders for me and my confidence. People barely recognize me, haha.0
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hey i havent got a story really about why my weight just kept creeping up, but sometimes i think im fat anyways so if i eat something bad, im not going to see it it really, which is know is untrue. i start off great in the day and around 8 when no ones around, ill eat bad food, anything really. I want it to stop most of all because its making me deeply unhappy.
I dont know why but if im watching something good on the tele i think its appropraite to eat something good with it. madness i know! ut its like i have a friend. my husband works late and once my sons n bed, ill eat...... i am getting bigger and bigger and want to break the cycle. i blame lonliness! but im not really lonely. im actually enjoying the peace, im a childminder so once all the kids go home (6 kids) i am glad to sit down and have some alone, quiet time. but why do i feel the need to eat?"!?" especially rubbish?
my husband cnt really understand why i complain and dont do anything about it, its hard to explain, because im ashamed of myself! i dnt know why i go an eat so much.... dipping biscuits into a cup of tea!! or having swwet things like jam on toast! it tastes nice but i regret it the next day, then do it all over again!!! why why why?"?!?!?!?!?0 -
My parents always made us eat our veggies first before they gave us our meat. Whilst it did make me like veggies, it became a lifelong habit. Which means now, no matter how big the plate is I do the same and won't stop eating until I have finished the meat, which is always eaten last! I am working on this.
I was a normal, healthy, thin child until I was 9 when I was diagnosed with epilepsy. The medication they put me on made me sleep, so I would come home from school, climb into my parents bed and sleep. If I had no homework, sometimes I would sleep right through to the next day. My mum would wake me for meals, but sometime bought them to me in bed. I was also bullied at school during this time, so the bed/food routine became a comfort time for me. If I am depressed or upset about something now, I still make myself food and a coffee and go to bed. I did lose weight after that, although it went up and down right until I was in my early 20's.
I was then married to a chocoholic, who would wake up at all hours of the night and eat slabs of chocolate. He could eat anything he wanted in vast quantities and remained skinny. I of course, didn't! At more or less that time I lost about 20 pounds at Weight Watchers. I then fell pregnant and after that the relationship deteriorated. Lots of fighting, he was verbally and physically abusive, as well as very manipulative and messed with my mind. I of course, turned to food. Relationship ended and I just kept getting bigger and bigger. I tend to hoard food and then eat it, and get very possessive about my food. I get mad if someone eats something I have been keeping. I eat when I am sad, bored, lonely, depressed, excited, happy, celebrating etc. If there is an emotion I eat with it!
Right now I am trying very hard to resolve this, and have tried to plan and prepare my food in advance so that it is there if I need it. However, old habits die hard, the other night my daughter was out at a church function. I actually stopped off and bought all the food I would normally have gorged on. I got it home, thought what are you doing? I have managed to hide it, but it is calling me. I plan to take what I can to work on Monday and leave it there for the rest of the staff.0 -
I was raised by my grandparents. My mother gave me away when I was a baby. I was seven when I found out that my grandmother and grandfather where not my real parents. I had emotional troubles dealing with it. I believe food just made me feel good for a moment. I started picking up weight in second grade and by third grade was pudgy and got made fun of a lot. I made it to middle school and lost the weight in the seventh grade. Then I went through lots more drama and hard times. My home life was very difficult and food once again soothed me. I was more active then and since i am now a stay at home mom dont have much time for exercise. 31 and in the worst shape of my life. My grandfather( dad) passed away in 2010 and really turned my whole world upside down. I am tired however of letting food make me happy for a moment and upset everyday when I look in the mirror. So food is gonna be fuel for me from now on and no longer a crutch.0
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So food is gonna be fuel for me from now on and no longer a crutch.
Well said, I have started to see food like this, suddenly the thought of binging on sweet sugary food seems pointless, and snacking on chicken breasts and tuna becomes normal :-)0 -
I cant honestly ever remember a time when I did not over eat or eat to calm and comfort myself. I'm 26 now and at my heaviest weight ever and totally disgusted with myself. A few years back I was having a talk with my mom and I asked her " why am I like this" She eventually told me about how my grandmother used to force feed me when I was a baby. She said when I was a new born she would watch me while my mom was out or just out of the room, she would take the milk out of my bottles and replace it with rice cereal. My mom was telling me that I was full all the time and never knew what the feeling of actual hunger was like, so if I wasnt full I would scream and cry for more food. When I heard that I thought to myself " I never had a chance" If this didnt happen I could have been a normal size child and had a normal life with out all the teasing and bullying that comes along with being over weight. I feel like that was where my over eating started.
When I was growing up my mother was a severe anorexic and she was always trying to get me to loose weight and diet with her and I hated it. Sometimes I felt like I was being forced to be annorexic with her. Sometimes I would be so hungry I would sneak food out of the kitchen and eat it in my room late at night and hide things from everyone in my drawers or closet. I knew it was wrong, but I still did it almost every day. And even now there's something so comforting to me about eating alone. It's like a shameful process for me. At this point I cant even go into a resturaunt with out having a full blown panic attack. I feel like everyone's looking at the fat girl at the buffet. I hope that I can work though all these issues and work off my weight and be overall healthy inside and out!0 -
And even now there's something so comforting to me about eating alone. It's like a shameful process for me.
I feel like everyone's looking at the fat girl at the buffet.
know that feeling!
i hate that everyone thinks going to dinner together is such a nice thing whether its for a date or whatever. Before i used to eat before i left so i could have just a tiny main when everyone else is having starters and desserts etc. and no one would think 'here comes the fatty'0 -
I was always told to do the same thing by my mother. Be sure to eat good before you go so you can just have a salad and not look like a hog. It always made me feel so disgusting. My eating habbits in front of other people are so compulsive. I worry about how fast im chewing, how much is on my fork, are they staring at me, If i get up to go get seconds is anyone watching me. It's such a big routine to look like you fit in and in actuallity I dont. :ohwell:0
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I'm not sure where it all started for me, but I recently saw something at my parents house that makes me wonder...
I was hanging out, chatting with my dad when one of my nieces (whom my parents were watching that day) wandered in to the living room with a bag of crackers. My dad practically fell all over himself, telling me to just open them up for her and let her eat. I just looked at him, took the crackers and thanked my niece, then handed her a doll to play with. She happily wandered off to play with the doll. This whole episode got me to wondering if my bad habit of eating out of boredom was started as a young child.
Now, I tend to go in cycles of bad eating habits. I'll work on it for a while, replace the junk food with fruits and vegetables (so that I'm at least getting something good when I'm snacking) and then I fall off the wagon again... The worst was my ex- who always kept junk food in the house. I was ok if it was something I didn't like, but he would occasionally bring home things that I liked, too. It's so hard to resist those temptations when they are right there!0 -
Looks like this thread helped some of us. Thanks nicki x0
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Here is an interesting parable a personal trainer told me. I'll try to tell it like she told me:
"If someone offered to go fill your car up, you'd be so happy and say of course! So what happens when you go to your car and find it won't crank because instead of filling it up with gas (fuel), they filled it up with diet coke. Yeah...it was filled but it was filled with nothing that can help you."
I really liked this. The person who said from now on, food would be fuel, reminded me of this story. That is something I need to remember. Any comfort that comes from food is gone quickly and then I feel worse than before because I feel like I've done something bad. I need to remember that food is fuel and allows me to do things I want to do!
And this thread did help...thanks!!!0 -
"Men are a huge reason why most women seem to comfort eat..."
Ouch! I guess there are not a lot of men in this group... I really never saw it as a gender issue (I know you weren't blaming my gender). I think a lot of men are self-conscious about their bodies too and worry that women won't find them attractive unless they are big buff dudes.
Anyway, I don't think my eating goes back to any particular event or trauma. I love the taste of chocolate. I love candy. It's a very pleasurable activity. The only reason I don't eat double-stuff Oreos every day is because I know I'll get fat (or fatter I guess). When I comfort eat, it's because either the discomfort I feel is more powerful than my desire to stay (or get) thin, or I just don't give a crap.
I tend to eat when my wife and I have a huge fight. That's a good example of both processes at work. I feel so bad that I want something to make me feel better right away. Chocolate is always happy to oblige - and I *do* feel better right away. It's like drugs. Plus, I feel so despondent that I don't make a conscious decision... "screw it, I might as well eat, nothing matters anyway..."
So that's me.0 -
"Men are a huge reason why most women seem to comfort eat..."
Ouch!
i'm sorry i didn't mean 'your the reason im fat' or anything like that! just that relationship problems tend to spark it off and we didn't have any men to vouch we do it too! its good to have a guys point of view- and welcome to the group and thank you for sharing! 0 -
bump , someday i will spill it all.0
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I'm not sure I can even remember when I started. I was getting pretty chunky by the time I was 10 years old or so, but growing taller and being more active as a kid tended to keep it from getting too out of hand at that age. Once I went off to college, though... I was around 180 pounds in high school (on the soccer and wrestling teams, best shape of my life). By the time I finished my first year of college (about 12 years ago), my weight was more like 220, and it's gone up from there ever since.
There have been other diet-related problems as well, but "comfort eating" has been there just about as far back as I can remember. Getting myself good and stuffed (nearly to the point of making myself sick) gave me something to focus on other than whatever was really bothering me, and tended to make me fall asleep after a while. There were other forms of escapist behavior going on as well, and my depression got a lot worse after I moved away from home.
Things are getting easier now. My wife gives a lot of support, and vitamin-D supplements seem to be a big help with the winter blues. I sometimes still have the urge to binge when I'm stressed (and sometimes still do it), but it's happening less often now, and it hasn't hindered my recent weight loss too much. Here's hoping those habits stay gone, and good riddance!0 -
Here is an interesting parable a personal trainer told me. I'll try to tell it like she told me:
"If someone offered to go fill your car up, you'd be so happy and say of course! So what happens when you go to your car and find it won't crank because instead of filling it up with gas (fuel), they filled it up with diet coke. Yeah...it was filled but it was filled with nothing that can help you."
Oh that is a good one! Brilliant, hope you don't mind but when I start personal training I will be using that analogy!0 -
so my time to spill , I wish i could be the person that says i dont know why i comfort eat , but my reason's SLAPPED me in the face . My tale of woa. My first son was born 6 weeks early and was in kidney failure , he passed away at three weeks . got married , got pregnant again , i was five months preg when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer , two days after her diagnosis my husband was life flighted from his work , he cuts down trees for a living , he was hit with what they call a widow maker , he spent a month in a hospital 2 hours away from me. I had my healthy baby girl and found out i was preg again , i worried the entire time during my pregnancies. my son was ten months when my mom passed away. needless to say different meds have made me numb and i started to starve , binge , starve , binge. I'm finally trying to get my head right and learn how to be healthy both mentally and physically. the food was a quick comfort but has made me miserable in the long run. this journey has definately changed my thinking and actions. i feel great after a long walk and a day when i havent used food as my friend. long road many hills but im not a quitter , im still standing 0
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Life is short , Live it.
Love is rare, Grab it.
Fear is a mind - killer , Face it.
Memories are sweet , Cherish them.0 -
When I try to pinpoint exactly when or where my emotional overeating began, I feel extremely overwhelmed. It could be due to the fact that I don't know how long it has been going on.
My overeating comes in month phases-- when I feel equipped to challenge the habit, it doesn't happen. When I idle, it happens.
I used to think I was bored. But I'm beginning to realize it is when I idle that my issues are actually able to surface, and I realize that they need to be dealt with.
So, what are these issues that I can't seem to grasp as easily? I don't know exactly; all I can do is look back to when I started to gain weight. That was after my parents divorced, about 10 years ago.
I never felt disturbed by their separation, mostly because my whole life people told me I was "mature for my age," and never seemed as young as I was. I suppose I decided to take this "truth" about myself and never really owned my own childhood. This is really sad because even today I wish I could have experienced being a child, having fun and being carefree. Instead I played an emotionally aloof, quiet and refined child that had an amazing imagination and never acted on it.
In regards to my parent's divorce, I stayed quiet so they could move through their separation. I never really expressed how much I was going to miss our old dynamics as a family-- the Sunday breakfasts and the Christmases.
Today I struggle most with romantic relationships. I'm too afraid of losing the sense of family that I want so badly for myself as a parent someday. Any child I choose to have should experience a family that stays together because they prepared in advance (I was an accident baby and my parents were teenagers) and support each other for life.
I overeat because I haven't gotten these things yet, and I feel scared I won't have them. These feelings were hard for me to uncover, and I am overeating because these feelings in the back of my mind begin to surface and the stress is overwhelming. I suppose any chance of disappointment or failure cause me to worry that I'm not doing my best, so I get anxious.
Thank you for posting this thread.. I have no clue what to do with this information, or this new awareness around my feelings and stress and why I overeat.. but maybe it will lead me to what I CAN do to get over this vicious cycle.
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Alright so my story starts at when I was a kid. I was actually a fairly active, skinny kid up until elementary school. My mom tells me she was terrified of how skinny I was as a child, which leads me to believe she bought a lot of junk food processed crap to get me to eat. When I started filling out, I got the chubby look that kids mercilessly ridiculed me for. I tried making friends, but kids don't wanna be friends with the weird, ugly fat girl.
I only started coming into my own at 13-14, when I got "pretty" and my weight redistributed so I didn't look as rolly polly. But I "felt" fat, I wasn't lean or tone or had a flattering silhouette. But I ate with very little care as to what I was putting in my body due to low self esteem.
By the time I was 16, I had just broken up with my first boyfriend, who told me he cheated on me after the fact. I was fed up, I had gained 15 lbs in the year and 3 months we dated alone, and I was at my absolute heaviest (188 lbs). So I made it my mission to lose weight and get fit. 8 months later, I was 50 lbs lighter and working out everyday, but I had taken to the other extreme of severely undercutting my calories. I ate 500 calories a day and burned anywhere from 250 - 400 cals in my workouts. I was 100% convinced that by doing so I was healthy, and I was very selective about what foods I would eat, if at all. I remember literally starving myself at night because I was so fixated on being thin. The amount of obsession and control that went into my diet is overwhelming, it was masochistic.
So then I loosened my restrictions, and maintained at 140-150 for years, until I started college. Due to crazy relationships and friendships, back stabbing and other emotional turmoil, my nutrition and exercise took a back seat.
So here I am, knowing now that my eating habits are born out of my mood and emotions. When I indulge, I know logically I am doing nothing good for my body, but when I restrict, I get very militant and picky or end up not eating anything. And when I'm depressed, I can either starve myself or eat until I purge. I am a Yo-Yo diet emotional eater.
And I KNOW for a fact my mom is an emotional eater on top of being a compulsive hoarder. She will buy bags upon bags of crappy crappy processed junk food. And when I ask her for help or support, she snubs me. My house is a mine field of hostess and entenmann's. It makes keeping my own cravings in check 10x harder.
Her justification is she thinks that I'm "too skinny" from when I lost all my weight 5 years ago, when I've nearly gained all of it back. I don't wanna end up like her! (she's over 300lbs)0 -
So I had a traumatic childhood and I've been using overeating for a long time as a way to cope. My dad is an over eater and my sister is bulimic so there's a family component to this too. I could have written the post above about doing well in the morning and lunch and then losing it altogether at night. I hate hate hate that I'm so tired and sick feeling at night and can't stay focused and be there for my kids.
I've been in therapy for 20 years, on Prozac or similar meds for more than 15 years. I thought it was pretty much as good as it was going to get.
Then I started low carb and realized that I felt a lot better when I was eating a lot of protein and mostly veggies. I started to wonder about blood sugar highs and lows and how they affect me. I also saw a little weight loss and some great changes in my blood work (way down on triglicerides, huge increase in "good" cholesterol). But after 18 months of low carb and junk/sugar binging in between, I wanted to try something different.
so I read the book "Potatoes not Prozac" and "Your Last Diet." It talks alot about different things going on in your body chemistry and made sense to me. Well, I've been going to the Radiant Recovery website and giving this a try for 4 months now. It's an extremely slow process but I've really seen some big strides forward in terms of my ability to stay connected with my body and emotions. I realize that I live with a lot of psychic pain and I'm "medicating" myself with food. The support on that website has been huge in terms of learning better habits, step by step by step. My partner has noticed how much more connected I am. It's taking a lot of effort, but it seems to be working.
I've learned a ton in therapy over the years, but this is giving me a more solid base to work from in terms of how much I can cope, if that makes sense.
Anyway, best wishes to all on this list and I'm here to say I know it's really hard!!!0
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