Relationship question
Carl01
Posts: 9,307 Member
Looking for an open and civil discussion on something that came up in another thread. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/518759-for-the-ladies-that-have-approached-a-man?page=7#posts-7512042
It was suggested that ladies are motivated by their hearts in a relationship and guys not but my observation has been that is seldom true.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
It was suggested that ladies are motivated by their hearts in a relationship and guys not but my observation has been that is seldom true.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
0
Replies
-
Definitely my
I'm very independant and self sufficient. IOW I dont need a man to look after me. But I very much need /want to love and be loved 
However, I also know people that I would consider together for convenience!! So, its possible for both genders to have alternative motives.
But for me, it will always be love or nothing! :brokenheart:
:flowerforyou:0 -
to me it's a combination of love, communication and trust.0
-
For me, the starting has everything to do with chemistry.
Once I'm in it, then yes, I want that strong, independent woman that has a life plan that fits mine.
But that said, I'm my own worst enemy in finding ways it won't work.0 -
I think it honestly has to do alot with age. When I was young .. I just wanted someone hot with a nice car. lol.. when I was youngerish .. I wanted someone to take care of me and to have babies with. Now that I am older I just want someone who will love me for me, who will take care of my heart, treat me well, who won't get annoyed if he has to spend time with me, who won't play games and lie to me .. make me wonder where he is .. etc etc etc. I don't have the need to fix anyone anymore .. I just want someone who WANTS to be loved.0
-
my heart always rules my head , i dont need a man to look after me im so independant , at the time the reason i got maried is so that my daughter n i had the same surname x wrong i know but true x0
-
I think first attraction has to be there but after that someone who is loyal to me.
I am independent and strong. I want someone who isn't turned off by this. At this point I really don't need anyone to pay my bills for me or has a hot car or is even super hot! I just want someone to be there for me emotionally and I can grow old with...
and when we're old we can travel the country in an RV! LOL :bigsmile:0 -
I think it honestly has to do alot with age. When I was young .. I just wanted someone hot with a nice car. lol.. when I was youngerish .. I wanted someone to take care of me and to have babies with. Now that I am older I just want someone who will love me for me
hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.0 -
When I enter into a relationship, I try to loosen the reigns I have on my emotions and let them lead the way. This usually only lasts for a week, at best, until my brain takes over and I start trying to see the person in my future, around my friends and family, and how we will mesh our lives.
I'm not looking for a ring, or promise of commitment, but the foundation on which to build a relationship. All of those little things that have to come together to keep a relationship solid and not allow parts of either of us to fall through the cracks. If our foundation cannot be built, I usually move on to the next adventure and take with me the memories and the lessons.
I don't really consider any relationship a waste of time, but I won't "stick one out" when the right elements aren't there. And I truely believe that if we take a moment and listen to ourselves, we can "feel" if the relationship is worth the work it takes to be a good relationship. And sometimes, we ignore the obvious signs until they're flashing in our faces.
So, I guess I try to enter every relationship with heart, mind, and physical attraction. Like it or not, you can have the makings of a great relationship and the lack of physical attraction or desire can slice it down to the ground. From personal experience, I've been in a sexless marriage and it was unfulfilling to have needs that could not be met by my partner. I'm not saying it's a deal breaker for everyone, but yes physical intimacy is important.
And happy Friday to all of you :flowerforyou:0 -
Good thread Carl.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Entering one, attraction. Staying in one, compatibility. Attraction is what brings me in. And usually attraction is not terribly deep, based on looks and more superficial components. What keeps me around is attitude and attributes. I like someone who is reliable and dependable, not a game player, sweet, loving, likes sex and we have common interests. Not all our interests have to be the same, but as long as there is a base, we're good.
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
The desire for sex is biological. The desire for companionship is emotional.
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
Social pressures and pragmatism play a role in it all and can influence emotions. It is a difficult pill to swallow emotionally when all your friends are paired off and you're not (has happened before). Economics are a factor. Having two sources of income beats one in most cases. Household maintenance and management is easier. For example, cooking and meal planning for one isn't easy. Households work better with a greater economies of scale. We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people.0 -
Good thread Carl.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Entering one, attraction. Staying in one, compatibility. Attraction is what brings me in. And usually attraction is not terribly deep, based on looks and more superficial components. What keeps me around is attitude and attributes. I like someone who is reliable and dependable, not a game player, sweet, loving, likes sex and we have common interests. Not all our interests have to be the same, but as long as there is a base, we're good.
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
The desire for sex is biological. The desire for companionship is emotional.
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
Social pressures and pragmatism play a role in it all and can influence emotions. It is a difficult pill to swallow emotionally when all your friends are paired off and you're not (has happened before). Economics are a factor. Having two sources of income beats one in most cases. Household maintenance and management is easier. For example, cooking and meal planning for one isn't easy. Households work better with a greater economies of scale. We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people.
The majority of this response I agree with.
The part that rankles me a little is "We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people."
Why aren't we meant to? And I do not mean to start a huge debate, but I am curious why you stated this.0 -
Perhaps it is a youthful thing but have to say I have talked to many ladies in my age range who are divorced or marginally happy in their marriages and one thing that stands out is that when they married "love" was not mentioned.
One confessed that she had a dream of a house and white picket fence and was determined to find it and admitted that at her wedding she knew he was not a person she should marry,one said because at their age they didn`t think they would get another chance plus a variety of feeling that once married their life would be stable and secure.
All of this is anecdotal and maybe just a coincidence that I ran across them.
Also I am in no way suggesting that women are all gold diggers nor that men are all innocent and blameless.
My take on guys is that many who marry young are really just looking for a trophy and gratification.0 -
I think it honestly has to do alot with age. When I was young .. I just wanted someone hot with a nice car. lol.. when I was youngerish .. I wanted someone to take care of me and to have babies with. Now that I am older I just want someone who will love me for me
hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.0 -
Looking for an open and civil discussion on something that came up in another thread. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/518759-for-the-ladies-that-have-approached-a-man?page=7#posts-7512042
It was suggested that ladies are motivated by their hearts in a relationship and guys not but my observation has been that is seldom true.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
For me it's love that's the driving force. I won't feel it unless there is emotional intimacy too and with that comes physical attraction. I'm another one who has learned with age to step back at some point early in the relationship and question whether it is right for me. This assessment is a more rational one at head level, but it's still all about physical and emotional needs, rather than more pragmatic issues.
Btw as I clarified on the other thread, I think most men are lead by their hearts too, but often they are either less in tune with their emotional needs or they are very well defended (in an emotional sense). This means they prefer to rely on pragmatic issues to make a decision. I have to say, more often than not the woman makes the decision for them and then pragmatism goes out the window, so the heart has made a stealth decision after all :laugh:
Of course these are huge generalisations and not everyone will fit them
0 -
Perhaps it is a youthful thing but have to say I have talked to many ladies in my age range who are divorced or marginally happy in their marriages and one thing that stands out is that when they married "love" was not mentioned.
One confessed that she had a dream of a house and white picket fence and was determined to find it and admitted that at her wedding she knew he was not a person she should marry,one said because at their age they didn`t think they would get another chance plus a variety of feeling that once married their life would be stable and secure.
All of this is anecdotal and maybe just a coincidence that I ran across them.
Also I am in no way suggesting that women are all gold diggers nor that men are all innocent and blameless.
My take on guys is that many who marry young are really just looking for a trophy and gratification.
This is simply emotional immaturity (neither men nor women have the monopoly on that). People are born selfish, it takes time to gain the maturity to empathise with others and to understand that love is more about what you give than what you get.0 -
Good thread Carl.
When it comes to a serious relationship what is most important as far as entering one or staying in one?
Entering one, attraction. Staying in one, compatibility. Attraction is what brings me in. And usually attraction is not terribly deep, based on looks and more superficial components. What keeps me around is attitude and attributes. I like someone who is reliable and dependable, not a game player, sweet, loving, likes sex and we have common interests. Not all our interests have to be the same, but as long as there is a base, we're good.
Is it love,the desire for companionship,intimacy physical and emotional?
The desire for sex is biological. The desire for companionship is emotional.
Or is it more pragmatic issues such as security,economics,social pressures etc?
Social pressures and pragmatism play a role in it all and can influence emotions. It is a difficult pill to swallow emotionally when all your friends are paired off and you're not (has happened before). Economics are a factor. Having two sources of income beats one in most cases. Household maintenance and management is easier. For example, cooking and meal planning for one isn't easy. Households work better with a greater economies of scale. We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people.
The majority of this response I agree with.
The part that rankles me a little is e.""We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people"
Why aren't we meant to? And I do not mean to start a huge debate, but I am curious why you stated this.
My explanation of why I said "We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people" is not going to take on a philosophical or religious tone for the most part, but it is motivated by pragmatism, or at least what many of my experiences are.
Single life is rather ungratifying for most singles. Certainly there are ways in which single life can seem better than it is. The only thing worse than single life is being trapped in a bad relationship. You (Bikini27) mentioned your sexless marriage, which is an awful relational arrangement that I don't have the time or energy right now to explain. But it was good to get out. No one should be in a sexless marriage. Single life is difficult in the fact that you have to support yourself economically without the safety net of a spousal income (greater economic pressure) and do all household maintenance (cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping are my tasks, and I'm not enamored with any of them). On the whole, for most singles, sex is less frequent as a single person, and frequent sex is a good thing.
The companionship element has benefits as well. It is nice to have someone that you really connect with on a deep level. Spending time together, going on vacations together (trip planning is another more difficult aspect of singledom) and just doing the simple things together has benefits. Sometimes as simple as preparing a meal together (joint effort) can bring a lot of joy.
This wasn't a full explanation and there are far many more angles to answer the question from. But it is a start.0 -
Perhaps it is a youthful thing but have to say I have talked to many ladies in my age range who are divorced or marginally happy in their marriages and one thing that stands out is that when they married "love" was not mentioned.
One confessed that she had a dream of a house and white picket fence and was determined to find it and admitted that at her wedding she knew he was not a person she should marry,one said because at their age they didn`t think they would get another chance plus a variety of feeling that once married their life would be stable and secure.
All of this is anecdotal and maybe just a coincidence that I ran across them.
Also I am in no way suggesting that women are all gold diggers nor that men are all innocent and blameless.
My take on guys is that many who marry young are really just looking for a trophy and gratification.
This story made me very sad.
Personally I don't think it comes down to gender, but more to specific individuals and what they want out of life. I cannot speak for anyone besides myself but I definitely want love, companionship and physical and emotional intimacy in a long term relationship. If it's a casual thing, maybe we can compromise?0 -
hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?0 -
I was rather surprised as well. Seems a bit shallow to look only for material & sexual gratification from a relationship. But if that's what floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have a deep loving relationship - a real connection to someone vs. any money or wealth or lack thereof from another person.hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
I also agree with DM1983Z that we are not meant to live as singles for our entire life. There are definitely many benefits from being in a relationship vs. not, and he has articulated them quite well0 -
For me it is a combination of love, the degree in which we click and trust. I am like many women my age very independent, so I don't need a man to take care of me but want a partner to share my life with.0
-
I know in my case, when I had my child, I had so much love in my life for him, from him about him .. that when my husband started to pull away, I didn't notice because I had so much love in my heart that either I didn't care or didn't notice or didn't miss it because I assumed he felt the same way.
I also think that me being single has not bothered me one little bit because I have love in my life in the form of my child. It is the greatest love there is.0 -
My explanation of why I said "We weren't meant to live our entire lives as single people" is not going to take on a philosophical or religious tone for the most part, but it is motivated by pragmatism, or at least what many of my experiences are.
Single life is rather ungratifying for most singles. Certainly there are ways in which single life can seem better than it is. The only thing worse than single life is being trapped in a bad relationship. You (Bikini27) mentioned your sexless marriage, which is an awful relational arrangement that I don't have the time or energy right now to explain. But it was good to get out. No one should be in a sexless marriage. Single life is difficult in the fact that you have to support yourself economically without the safety net of a spousal income (greater economic pressure) and do all household maintenance (cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping are my tasks, and I'm not enamored with any of them). On the whole, for most singles, sex is less frequent as a single person, and frequent sex is a good thing.
The companionship element has benefits as well. It is nice to have someone that you really connect with on a deep level. Spending time together, going on vacations together (trip planning is another more difficult aspect of singledom) and just doing the simple things together has benefits. Sometimes as simple as preparing a meal together (joint effort) can bring a lot of joy.
This wasn't a full explanation and there are far many more angles to answer the question from. But it is a start.
That clarified the statement, and I do agree that life can be simplified when joined and shared with a spouse.
The joining has to be mutual and both parties have to work hard at the joining so that eventually it is nearly effortless on a daily basis and larger things (travel, buying a home, etc) are easier to approach.
Having done the above with someone and then also alone, I find it easier (in my case) to do it as a single person. It took some getting used to, and a good friend or parent to bounce ideas off of, but the end result was satisfying. I make the case for being single because up until recently, my decisions were meshed with another's desires and my needs weren't always met. It helps that in the past I did the house and yard work myself, so I suppose the only thing I miss is the extra income
We are all working from different relationship pasts towards different relationship goals, and there really is not "right" way to approach a lasting relationship, similar to our individual weightloss goals. You seem to have a clear vision of what you want out of a partner and I wish you all the best. I'm sure you'll find her . 0 -
I was rather surprised as well. Seems a bit shallow to look only for material & sexual gratification from a relationship. But if that's what floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have a deep loving relationship - a real connection to someone vs. any money or wealth or lack thereof from another person.hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
I also agree with DM1983Z that we are not meant to live as singles for our entire life. There are definitely many benefits from being in a relationship vs. not, and he has articulated them quite well
I think "shallow" is a harsh word and why should we not want a fulfilling sex life? And that is not materialistic in the least. She did say companionship is #1 and sex is #2. The car/motorcycle is kind of a *wink*wink* as I read it.0 -
I was rather surprised as well. Seems a bit shallow to look only for material & sexual gratification from a relationship. But if that's what floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have a deep loving relationship - a real connection to someone vs. any money or wealth or lack thereof from another person.hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
I also agree with DM1983Z that we are not meant to live as singles for our entire life. There are definitely many benefits from being in a relationship vs. not, and he has articulated them quite well
I think people's choices are informed by their experience. If you have been the one to be the provider materially and you feel you've been taken advantage of in this regard, then the tendency would be to do anything to avoid that happening in future. I'm not sure leaving the heart out of the equation is the safest way of doing this, but I get what the motivation is and I don't think it's about being shallow.
edited to add: nothing wrong with relationships based on hot sex either! 0 -
Don't misinterpret my response... Really, if what this responder wants is a hot car, and hot sex, more power to her, but I don't see this as a basis for a long term - loving, committed relationship. I could be wrong, but am convinced that there is more to it than that, and perhaps my use of the word 'shallow' was insensitive, and better choice might be superficial.
I was rather surprised as well. Seems a bit shallow to look only for material & sexual gratification from a relationship. But if that's what floats your boat. Personally, I'd rather have a deep loving relationship - a real connection to someone vs. any money or wealth or lack thereof from another person.hehe...I'm the opposite... I married my ex because he was my best friend....didn't work... now I want someone hot with the nice car (or sick motorcycle).
The #1 thing I want out a relationship is companionship, followed very closely by #2 which is hot sex. Seriously.
i'm actually a bit surprised to see this. interesting.
Why surprised?
I also agree with DM1983Z that we are not meant to live as singles for our entire life. There are definitely many benefits from being in a relationship vs. not, and he has articulated them quite well
I think "shallow" is a harsh word and why should we not want a fulfilling sex life? And that is not materialistic in the least. She did say companionship is #1 and sex is #2. The car/motorcycle is kind of a *wink*wink* as I read it.
Also, I think that Carl's original question was what was the most important thing for a serious relationship, and I tried to answer that with my response.0 -
I just feelas though I should do and see and go as much as possible on my own, grow as a person etc... until Ive gone so fa that I cannot really challenge myself (or face bigger challenges) unless I have someone next to me that is loyal as hell, supportive, believes in me when I dont, is an amazing kisser, pushes me, and is great in bed.
I may have gotten sidetracked there- but yeah- I choose to be with someone when I feel that we could BOH go farther and do more if we are allied.0 -
I know in my case, when I had my child, I had so much love in my life for him, from him about him .. that when my husband started to pull away, I didn't notice because I had so much love in my heart that either I didn't care or didn't notice or didn't miss it because I assumed he felt the same way.
I also think that me being single has not bothered me one little bit because I have love in my life in the form of my child. It is the greatest love there is.
Men need attention. That's normal. As human beings, we're designed to want attention from our significant others.
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.0 -
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
Dude, not even close. I am very bonded with my daughter and have always been emotionally closer to her than her mother is. I ws the one who would get up for her in the middle of the night and the one she called for. I had all the hard conversations with her growing up and I was the one who took her to her first gyno visit. Hopefully, when you have your own, you'll see how they emotionally change you (if you're open to it).0 -
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
Dude, not even close. I am very bonded with my daughter and have always been emotionally closer to her than her mother is. I ws the one who would get up for her in the middle of the night and the one she called for. I had all the hard conversations with her growing up and I was the one who took her to her first gyno visit. Hopefully, when you have your own, you'll see how they emotionally change you (if you're open to it).
Well, that is a really good thing. There are not enough committed fathers. I said "Men are less bonded...." as a means of explaining why it is far more common for a man to walk away from parenthood than a woman. The more common narrative is someone raised by a single mother than a single father.
You're right-I don't have my own children.
The childbirth dynamic changes relationships, and often for the worse. Marital happiness is a U shaped curve, and the bottom of the U curve usually occurs when the children are young (infant, toddler, early elementary school years).0 -
duplicate post0
-
Men are less bonded to their children than women are. So the birth of a child can really take away from men's satisfaction in a relationship because they now have to compete for time and attention. For guys who don't have a proper perspective on the process (one that having a child is a selfless and life long commitment and that you've really got to want to do in your heart of hearts-not be forced into it by your girlfriend or wife), this is rather jarring.
Dude, not even close. I am very bonded with my daughter and have always been emotionally closer to her than her mother is. I ws the one who would get up for her in the middle of the night and the one she called for. I had all the hard conversations with her growing up and I was the one who took her to her first gyno visit. Hopefully, when you have your own, you'll see how they emotionally change you (if you're open to it).
Well, that is a really good thing. There are not enough committed fathers. I said "Men are less bonded...." as a means of explaining why it is far more common for a man to walk away from parenthood than a woman. The more common narrative is someone raised by a single mother than a single father.
You're right-I don't have my own children.
The childbirth dynamic changes relationships, and often for the worse. Marital happiness is a U shaped curve, and the bottom of the U curve usually occurs when the children are young (infant, toddler, early elementary school years).
This thread is totally depressing me today...0
This discussion has been closed.