"You're too amazing" is the new "It's not you, it's me"
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I have experienced the same thing, and I think it's because men are not at all comfortable being openly hurt or hearing why they aren't good enough. Their egos dictate that they must walk it off, move on immediately, "the only way to get over an old love is to get under a new one," etc. But the average woman seems to have this idea that hearing a man articulate why she isn't good enough will actually make her feel better and give her "closure" on the situation. Personally, being on the receiving end of a "why you're not good enough for me" conversation has only made me want to punch a guy in the junk, so I'm not really a "closure" kind of woman.0
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punch a guy in the junk,
:laugh: great phrase!!
TBH I would rather hear it. And the one time's it's happened, I said 'thanks for letting me know' and moved on.
It was the reverse with the last guy I said it to, he stalked me for months :noway:
I think everyone's reaction is different on this, depends on the person.0 -
I'd like to hear (from both the men and women) how it's worked out just being honest and saying, "It's not gonna work" or "I'm just not feeling a connection).
I ask because I’ve noticed that guys seem to be ok with it (they move on pretty quick). I’ve known some women who were ok with it, but a few who keep badgering the guy as to why he’s misunderstood something and that they would really actually make a good couple.
If it was a polite and simple thing I would rather have that then the silent walk away with no explanation.0 -
I just tell 'em it's not for me. Sorry. Less confusion that way.
Bless you! We all need to be more honest and forthright about dating and relationships. I'm ashamed to say I used to be in the 'let him down easy' camp, but now I know better. If a person can't handle simply being told, sorry, you aren't what I'm looking for, that person isn't mature enough to be dating at all!0 -
Last winter, I dated a guy--2 dates on second date I realized it just wasn't happening, and we had gone to a hockey game. On the way home, I was tryign to make small talk, but really wasn't working and he finally said........"I am getting the distinct impression that you don't like me"....I said it is not that I don't like you, I just don't feel a romantic spark is all...I'm sorry. Then he says, "Yeah, I don't feel it either, so I guess there is not point in seeing each other again, then huh?"...........Seriously...ugh!!! Then he mentioned to my friend that our date was a "disaster"......I didn't think it was a disaster, just wasn't there............there is a difference0
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I have gotten the cold shoulder ignore and walk away as well as the hey this isnt working out and I prefer the simple hey this isnt what I am looking for straight answer. And no I dont want to hear all the reasons why nor do I want to list out a bunch of reasons why it isnt working when I tell you it isnt gonna work lets move on with our lives. Especially after 2 maybe 3 dates. At that point it may just be a feeling in my gut, but I am 38 years old and I have learned to go with my gut on some things. So if after a couple dates I call or text or face to face say hey this isnt it, lets cut our losses and move on, please accept that is it, dont over analyze it and ask a million questions over the next two weeks.
It sucks either way but really I dont want to be with someone who isnt completely into me and I would hope no one wants me to be with them if I am not fully into the relationship.
Long winded way to say, I agree and I do give the Im not that into you talk but there are times I regret it and would rather just cold shoulder the exit because of all the drama that often times follows the lets part ways talk.0 -
So excited to see this post. I have been on 2 dates with this guy and having a 3rd tomorrow. I can't pick any 1 thing but I just don't feel any spark with him and my gut is telling me it isn't going to turn into a LTR. He has been polite, well-mannered, funny, and I have geniunely enjoyed his company but I can't escape my gut. We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure. But if there is still nothing there I am definitely going to tell him I'm just not into him. (I hate hurting others so it'll be a struggle to not elaborate on the whole It's not you it's me thing but I am going to do it!).0
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So excited to see this post. I have been on 2 dates with this guy and having a 3rd tomorrow. I can't pick any 1 thing but I just don't feel any spark with him and my gut is telling me it isn't going to turn into a LTR. He has been polite, well-mannered, funny, and I have geniunely enjoyed his company but I can't escape my gut. We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure. But if there is still nothing there I am definitely going to tell him I'm just not into him. (I hate hurting others so it'll be a struggle to not elaborate on the whole It's not you it's me thing but I am going to do it!).
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.0 -
I do give the Im not that into you talk but there are times I regret it and would rather just cold shoulder the exit because of all the drama that often times follows
I think a large part of that drama is a lack of maturity, or a lack of experience with great guys who aren’t great for them. I’ve dated enough now that it doesn’t (usually) bother me when I don’t see someone after one or two dates. You already know it’s not going to work, and I don’t take it personal.
That said, I’ll admit, I still take it kinda hard when someone makes it past 2-3 months then fizzles, even if it’s clearly for the best.0 -
We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.0 -
We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.
I asked this very question a week ago and everyone that answered said they would not go on a third.0 -
We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.
I asked this very question a week ago and everyone that answered said they would not go on a third.
Why not go on the the third? It's always better than wondering. Plus he seems pleasant enough, so what could one more evening together hurt?0 -
We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.
I asked this very question a week ago and everyone that answered said they would not go on a third.
Why not go on the the third? It's always better than wondering. Plus he seems pleasant enough, so what could one more evening together hurt?
The question then was in the context of who pays and if there was no spark is it appropriate and fair to a guy to potentially be simply taking advantage of him in that way.0 -
We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.
I asked this very question a week ago and everyone that answered said they would not go on a third.
Why not go on the the third? It's always better than wondering. Plus he seems pleasant enough, so what could one more evening together hurt?
It depends on what his expectations are. If it seems like he's still feeling things out and hasn't really made his mind up about you either, then go for it. But if you think he really likes you and you don't really like him (liking him is not the same thing as thinking he's a nice guy ... do you LIKE him?) then seeing him again on the off chance that he might totally blow your mind this time is not fair.0 -
My whole take is this. I wish guys would just suck it up and be honest. If you're not into me, just say it. Sure, if I thought there was something there it'll be disappointing to hear, but at least I know and it's better than leading someone on with any of the "let's do something again" or "maybe next week" or the like. Other lame lines like "you're too (insert compliment)" are just that -lame.
Wouldn't guys want a clean break too? By saying lame lines or leading someone on, you're just asking for us to stay in contact. By being honest, I can say, okay, next. And move on.0 -
My last bf did all kinds of crazy, unacceptable behavior at the end our relationship in order to get me to dump him, and it worked. What sucks though is I started the relationship by saying if he ever felt unhappy with me or wanted to break up to just tell me, that I could handle it, but please don't lie or cheat on, which he did both and I found out. Honesty is the best policy, if you aren't into someone you just aren't. Move on.0
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We didn't have a lot of serious talk during the 1st two dates so I am allowing the 3rd just to make sure.
You may want to cancel the date now if you plan to break it off anyway. Save everyone time and aggravation.
Do more guys agree? I've been a fan of giving a 3rd date "just to see" if there were no red flags in the first 2, because for some women, myself included, butterflies develop after getting to know someone not always instantly.
I asked this very question a week ago and everyone that answered said they would not go on a third.
Why not go on the the third? It's always better than wondering. Plus he seems pleasant enough, so what could one more evening together hurt?
It depends on what his expectations are. If it seems like he's still feeling things out and hasn't really made his mind up about you either, then go for it. But if you think he really likes you and you don't really like him (liking him is not the same thing as thinking he's a nice guy ... do you LIKE him?) then seeing him again on the off chance that he might totally blow your mind this time is not fair.
I'm not expecting him to totally blow my mind. I don't know what I expect. My mom (who sometimes has decent advice) told me that if he wanted to stop seeing me and I really liked him. How I would be disappointed because I know the 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me. So I need to give him a chance and make this a date where we can ask honest questions and have some more adult conversation. I had a horrible day yesterday so we rescheduled to tonight. I'm just wanting a quiet place to eat or sit on a patio and have a drink. Not the loud bar and comedy club scene we had for the 1st two dates. But like I said if I don't see it going any further after this I am going to plainly tell him I'm sorry but it's not going to work.
And on a side note: I think its hilarious that all the men on POF say their ideal first date would be "somewhere quiet where we can talk and get to know one another" and yet the 2 guys I have met picked really loud bars and several others that have requested meeting up have suggested sports bars. SMH0 -
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liking him is not the same thing as thinking he's a nice guy ... do you LIKE him?
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^^THIS0 -
I agree with your mom. How do you know if you really *like*someone only after 1 or 2 dates? Often, you can know immediately that you *don’t* like someone…and those are the ones you cut off after1 or 2 datesthe 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me
But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.0 -
I'm not expecting him to totally blow my mind. I don't know what I expect. My mom (who sometimes has decent advice) told me that if he wanted to stop seeing me and I really liked him. How I would be disappointed because I know the 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me. So I need to give him a chance and make this a date where we can ask honest questions and have some more adult conversation. I had a horrible day yesterday so we rescheduled to tonight. I'm just wanting a quiet place to eat or sit on a patio and have a drink. Not the loud bar and comedy club scene we had for the 1st two dates. But like I said if I don't see it going any further after this I am going to plainly tell him I'm sorry but it's not going to work.
And on a side note: I think its hilarious that all the men on POF say their ideal first date would be "somewhere quiet where we can talk and get to know one another" and yet the 2 guys I have met picked really loud bars and several others that have requested meeting up have suggested sports bars. SMH
1. Re-scheduling is an indicator of low interest level. Any time a woman re-schedules on me, it is perceived negatively. You wouldn't re-schedule on Brad Pitt or any guy equally hot because you had a bad day. In fact, you'd want to this hot guy if you had a bad day to make your day better. 99% of female initiated cancellations are due to low interest.
2. Loud bars or comedy clubs usually are not good showcases of personality. And since you live in Dallas, I am pretty sure that I know which comedy club you were at (there are not many of them here either). I went to one of Dallas' most well known/attended comedy clubs with a Meetup group and one of my thoughts during the night was that it would make for a lousy date. The lines before the show were long and slow and the seating was crowded and uncomfortable.
3. You need to hold their feet to the fire on meeting places. If they talk about quiet places, make sure they suggest a get together at a quieter place.
4. Focus on offline dating.0 -
I agree with your mom. How do you know if you really *like*someone only after 1 or 2 dates? Often, you can know immediately that you *don’t* like someone…and those are the ones you cut off after1 or 2 datesthe 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me
But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.
A couple of months? :noway:0 -
I agree with your mom. How do you know if you really *like*someone only after 1 or 2 dates? Often, you can know immediately that you *don’t* like someone…and those are the ones you cut off after1 or 2 datesthe 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me
But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.
A couple of months? :noway:
I'm with you, Carl. :huh:0 -
I'm not expecting him to totally blow my mind. I don't know what I expect. My mom (who sometimes has decent advice) told me that if he wanted to stop seeing me and I really liked him. How I would be disappointed because I know the 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me. So I need to give him a chance and make this a date where we can ask honest questions and have some more adult conversation. I had a horrible day yesterday so we rescheduled to tonight. I'm just wanting a quiet place to eat or sit on a patio and have a drink. Not the loud bar and comedy club scene we had for the 1st two dates. But like I said if I don't see it going any further after this I am going to plainly tell him I'm sorry but it's not going to work.
And on a side note: I think its hilarious that all the men on POF say their ideal first date would be "somewhere quiet where we can talk and get to know one another" and yet the 2 guys I have met picked really loud bars and several others that have requested meeting up have suggested sports bars. SMH
1. Re-scheduling is an indicator of low interest level. Any time a woman re-schedules on me, it is perceived negatively. You wouldn't re-schedule on Brad Pitt or any guy equally hot because you had a bad day. In fact, you'd want to this hot guy if you had a bad day to make your day better. 99% of female initiated cancellations are due to low interest.
2. Loud bars or comedy clubs usually are not good showcases of personality. And since you live in Dallas, I am pretty sure that I know which comedy club you were at (there are not many of them here either). I went to one of Dallas' most well known/attended comedy clubs with a Meetup group and one of my thoughts during the night was that it would make for a lousy date. The lines before the show were long and slow and the seating was crowded and uncomfortable.
3. You need to hold their feet to the fire on meeting places. If they talk about quiet places, make sure they suggest a get together at a quieter place.
4. Focus on offline dating.
In response to #1: I have honestly had a horrible day and could not pull myself together enough to be a decent date and get to know a person. I have cancelled because of this, and yes, many people have days where nothing is going right and the only thing they can focus on is going home and destressing. A first date is stressful enough without the added bad mood, I don't care how attractive a person is or how interested I am.
And honestly, I have had a person continue with the date when he was having issues with his ex and it put a major damper on the entire thing. First dates should be where you focus on the person and try to enjoy them, if you're a mess, you should be allowed to reschedule without feeling like a jerk.
Just my two cents.0 -
I agree with your mom. How do you know if you really *like*someone only after 1 or 2 dates? Often, you can know immediately that you *don’t* like someone…and those are the ones you cut off after1 or 2 datesthe 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me
But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.
I agree with you on this. In fact, I was reading an article this morning about this very thing ... thinking you "know" someone after a week or two. What happens is that you see all these things you like about a person, and you create expectations of what the rest of your relationship will be like, based on seeing what you wanted to see in him early on. But the truth is, you don't really know someone until you've seen him in a variety of situations outside of the honeymoon phase when "love" is still blind and you still think all the annoying things he does are cute.0 -
I don`t think you start talking marriage after a second date but if a lady is expecting me to somehow be in "pursuit" for a couple of months while she decides if I am good enough for her she is woefully mistaken.
I suspect the desire to have someone pay them attention and fawn over them is more the motive then mutually developing a possible relationship at that point.0 -
I don`t think you start talking marriage after a second date but if a lady is expecting me to somehow be in "pursuit" for a couple of months while she decides if I am good enough for her she is woefully mistaken.
I suspect the desire to have someone pay them attention and fawn over them is more the motive then mutually developing a possible relationship at that point.
We're on the same wave length.
In the beginning, it's all nerves and butterflies. That tends to subside after the first date, into the second, especially if you're carrying on conversations in between.
I may not know the person through and through, but I can tell if we have anything in common with in the first couple of dates.
The things that come to mind:
*Decent flow in conversation. You're just starting to learn about each other. If you have to struggle for words, it may be a sign there is no connection. Or if the conversations are typically one sided, either they talk over you or you have nothing to bring to the conversation may be an issue.
*Attraction. Yes, the person within is what matters, because no matter how lickable the man if he's a jerk, I'm out. But if the idea of touching the person in any way, shape, or form makes me start to taste my last meal again, this is an issue. It may not be this extreme, but having an attraction to you potential SO is very important, or you may as well be dating your sibiling.
*The little things. Are they attentive, poliet to the wait staff, capable of speaking of previous relationships without railing on for an hour, etc.
We all have our own ways of approaching dating and dates. You have to do what works for you. And if it isn't working, you need to switch up your macros and maybe throw a cookie in there.
Many times, the problem is us. I know in the past I dated men because they were interested, even if I was not. Because my self esteem was honestly that low. I have a feel for what I like now and won't take less than that.
:flowerforyou:0 -
I agree with your mom. How do you know if you really *like*someone only after 1 or 2 dates? Often, you can know immediately that you *don’t* like someone…and those are the ones you cut off after1 or 2 datesthe 1st 2 dates didn't really give him a chance to get to know much about me
But I don’t even feel like I’ve got a glimpse of the person’s “true self†for a couple months, so I can’t meet a guy today and say I truly like him next week. I can say he seems like a nice guy, like someone really great, someone who I’m excited isn’t a jerk in the first couple dates… but I don’t *know* that he is awesome until later when I’ve seen how he handles stress and conflict.
I agree with you on this. In fact, I was reading an article this morning about this very thing ... thinking you "know" someone after a week or two. What happens is that you see all these things you like about a person, and you create expectations of what the rest of your relationship will be like, based on seeing what you wanted to see in him early on. But the truth is, you don't really know someone until you've seen him in a variety of situations outside of the honeymoon phase when "love" is still blind and you still think all the annoying things he does are cute.
Ok, taking another view point on this "few months" thing. I say, if after a few weeks of dating you want to be exclusive and learn about the person that makes sense.
But I think, off the bat, I took it as dating for a few months while also seeing others. That's asking for a lot from anyone.
If you're aware of attraction, the person is decent, and you're on the same page of wanting to date just each other after a few weeks, then exclusively dating would be the path because you are correct: you cannot know how a person will react to situations until they are in them. But with that same logic, it could take years. I wasn't aware of my ex's true colors until we got to a really tough spot and the man whom I thought stood by my side was several feet away and to the back of me.0 -
A couple of months? :noway:
So wait... no one on this list has ever thought someone was amazing for the first 3 weeks and then been shocked when their true manipulative, evil, addictive, psycho, etc side comes out?
Really?
How many times do you see on the Chit-Chat forum, “He was so awesome but he changed; we were in love, but now he’s treating me bad.†Um, it’s been two months. He hasn’t changed… you are finally seeing the true him.
I might be REALLY attracted to them, or think there’s a LOT of potential. But if you’re only meeting someone for 2-3 events a month, then, yeah, it takes more than a month for me to decide I “like†them.0 -
But I think, off the bat, I took it as dating for a few months while also seeing others. That's asking for a lot from anyone.
I agree with this. I don't like to date multiple people at once anyway, and I would never keep seeing a man for two or three months if I didn't want to be exclusive with him.He hasn’t changed… you are finally seeing the true him.
Yep. People don't change. They just reveal themselves slowly.0 -
A couple of months? :noway:
So wait... no one on this list has ever thought someone was amazing for the first 3 weeks and then been shocked when their true manipulative, evil, addictive, psycho, etc side comes out?
Really?
How many times do you see on the Chit-Chat forum, “He was so awesome but he changed; we were in love, but now he’s treating me bad.†Um, it’s been two months. He hasn’t changed… you are finally seeing the true him.
I might be REALLY attracted to them, or think there’s a LOT of potential. But if you’re only meeting someone for 2-3 events a month, then, yeah, it takes more than a month for me to decide I “like†them.
It all depends on how much it is a mutual thing,if one clearly is infatuated with the other and it is not returned then some respect of feelings should be involved.
Does this couple of months thing start to include where you or anyone is actively participating in the asking,planning,contributing to things or is it a standoffish zero or not much more then that ride?
I would hope that long before the couple of months is out a lady would have the courtesy to have some discussion with me as to where they think it is going.
I mean really,that is potentially 7-12 or more dates of some kind.
If I am asking it means I am interested in YOU not interested in the concept of a relationship or some sort of "high" I get out of having a lady going out with me.
Maybe some guys do but I bet few,we just don`t think that way.0
This discussion has been closed.