Loving People for Who They Are
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JanieJack
Posts: 3,830 Member
A coworker just told me how his brother got to know this girl online for about two months, had really fallen for her, talking about “she’s the one.” Until he met her in person. Apparently, she was obese, and he screamed at her for being fat and worthless. I can understand why she didn’t send a picture- hoping he’d fall in love with her great personality and by time they actually met not care about her size. Realistically, most of us care about looks. I would think if a guy really cared *that much* then he would request a picture up front. He shouldn’t have been so harsh with her! My heart hurts for this girl!
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
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I always think it's interesting to hear the "people should love me for who I am" mantra because they actually mean that someone didn't love them for a particular trait and character that is part of who they are. I guess they really mean, "people should just ignore this one particular aspect of who I am and love me for everything else."0
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It seems his reaction is cruel, and it is really immature to think anyone you haven't met is the one. That said as a fat guy I don't want to waste my time and money just to be rejected for my looks. I make sure my profile has lots of pictures sort of truth in advertising.0
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In a perfect world physical appearance wouldn`t matter all that much but of course in this world it is a consideration.
Attraction matters and while I can understand feeling sympathy for this lady it also is fair to say she brought it on by not being open and honest.
No one is going to accuse me of being an Adonis so if I hid what I looked like it is likely many would be disappointed and fairly so.0 -
It seems his reaction is cruel, and it is really immature to think anyone you haven't met is the one. That said as a fat guy I don't want to waste my time and money just to be rejected for my looks. I make sure my profile has lots of pictures sort of truth in advertising.
This seems like sound policy for anyone looking to date online. Why risk a horrible situation and rejection by misrepresenting yourself?
Plus, come on, do I believe that guy didn't ask her weight? No way. Even in other online interaction (gaming) that question comes up sometimes. And if she lied, well, bad move. No one wants to be lied to.0 -
In a perfect world physical appearance wouldn`t matter all that much but of course in this world it is a consideration.
Attraction matters and while I can understand feeling sympathy for this lady it also is fair to say she brought it on by not being open and honest.
No one is going to accuse me of being an Adonis so if I hid what I looked like it is likely many would be disappointed and fairly so.
Not exactly sure why you would say this about yourself. I find you physically and mentally attractive. You just seem a like genuine person all the way around.
As far as the guy being harsh, I think maybe he was pissed cause he professed feelings and then found out she wasnt perfect. Curious if he ever showed her a picture.0 -
It's heartbreaking what both of those women went through.
I wish I could say that a person's heart would make me fall in love but obviously physical appearance matters to me somewhat. I think we'd all like to think that it doesn't but it does.. for some, it matters most when searching for a mate.
I will say that I want the guy I go out with to be 100% attracted to me. I don't want him to wish I looked different in any area. And I think this stems from my bad marriage but I'm okay with that. Sure, the weight can be lost.. but for example, my ex had a thing for huge breasts and though he fell in love with me, the person, he'd compare me, he'd feel more sexually attracted to the bigger breasts. Once I found this out, our sex life was never the same and I would hide from him. These are also the "traits" he'd look for in the women he cheated on me with.
Maybe I'm traumatized.. but still, can't help to wonder what he would have done if I had bigger boobs. And for his sake, hopefully his next gf/wife has them! lol
So I want someone who takes me just as I am. Black hair, tan skin, medium boobs, my round nose.. etc because it's me. :bigsmile:0 -
His reaction was cruel - and he did jump the gun in thinking she was "the one" before actually meeting her.
That said...
We all have our opinions on the physical traits that we find to be attractive and unattractive on others, especially a potential romantic interest. It might be weight. It might be body hair. It might be teeth. It might be feet. It could be anything! But that doesn't make us shallow, IMO. The way someone looks to you is part of the package, just like their personality.
I'm sorry, but someone can be the most wonderful person in the world but if I don't find them to be physically attractive as well (note I'm not saying they ARE physically attractive by others' standards) well...then it would be a no go for a relationship.0 -
I hate hearing people say "are they good enough for me"! Lots of men and women these days have an over exaggerated sense of self worth and demand way more than they offer. From what I have seen in these cases the person who is asking the question "are they good enough for me" are the ones who really have little to give to the other person other than their inflated ego. I wonder what would of taken place if the woman was the one who told him that?
If you lie to someone about who you are or what you look like it will ALWAYs come back to bite you in the *kitten*! Tell the truth, be yourself. Trust me the truth is always best!
As a man who was fat, I can tell you that I was ashamed of the way I looked but I didn't hide behind it with my attitude and I had a crappy attitude and expected people to cator to me and my attitude, well that didn't work well for me at all so, I worked to change the way I looked and in turn it changed me as a man.
I know from talking to a special person that a year ago we would have never given each other a second look, but now after getting fit and happy with ourselves it has turned into something beyond anything we expected.0 -
A coworker just told me how his brother got to know this girl online for about two months, had really fallen for her, talking about “she’s the one.” Until he met her in person. Apparently, she was obese, and he screamed at her for being fat and worthless. I can understand why she didn’t send a picture- hoping he’d fall in love with her great personality and by time they actually met not care about her size. Realistically, most of us care about looks. I would think if a guy really cared *that much* then he would request a picture up front. He shouldn’t have been so harsh with her! My heart hurts for this girl!
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
Been there, done that.
I didn't scream at her, but I did tell her she had to leave.
But I wasn't in love w/ her, just going out w/ her on a date.
Looks are important, for sure. But not as important as other things. but it's the first step.0 -
I agree it was harsh. But I can also understand his disappointment. This happened to me with a guy that was 9 years older than his picture. He did tell me that, but he didnt mention that he had lost all his hair and put on 50lbs. He looked like a completely different person. I did try and get past it, but I just wasnt attracted to him so it didnt last long.
The thing is, without a picture of any kind, I dont know how he could let his heart go like that. Seems kinda stupid? I dont know how you can fall in love blind, but, anyhow, I bet he never does that again!!0 -
I didn't scream at her, but I did tell her she had to leave.
Why did you feel that SHE had to leave? Just cos she was fat? :noway:
I dont even think there was a lie going on here, its just a question he never asked? Hardly her fault?0 -
Duh.
Rule number 1 of online dating: request a picture always,
Rule number 2 of online dating: stop "inventing" the other person yourself and go meet them face to face ASAP (for me two weeks max).
Seriously, these two people are stupid: the guy as much as the girl.
I knew this woman who chatted with a guy for 6 months without seeing him, and she was well in love and stuff, sent pictures of her in lingerie/naked to the guy. He turned out to be a kid...
Why would anyone fall in love with the perfect person they create in their mind is beyond me...0 -
I didn't scream at her, but I did tell her she had to leave.
Why did you feel that SHE had to leave? Just cos she was fat? :noway:
I dont even think there was a lie going on here, its just a question he never asked? Hardly her fault?
Because she came to my house.
Yeah,0 -
Duh.
Rule number 1 of online dating: request a picture always,
Rule number 2 of online dating: stop "inventing" the other person yourself and go meet them face to face ASAP (for me two weeks max).
Seriously, these two people are stupid: the guy as much as the girl.
I knew this woman who chatted with a guy for 6 months without seeing him, and she was well in love and stuff, sent pictures of her in lingerie/naked to the guy. He turned out to be a kid...
Why would anyone fall in love with the perfect person they create in their mind is beyond me...
Hmmm I agree.0 -
I didn't scream at her, but I did tell her she had to leave.
Why did you feel that SHE had to leave? Just cos she was fat? :noway:
I dont even think there was a lie going on here, its just a question he never asked? Hardly her fault?
Because she came to my house.
Yeah,
Sad :ohwell:0 -
Duh.
Rule number 1 of online dating: request a picture always,
Rule number 2 of online dating: stop "inventing" the other person yourself and go meet them face to face ASAP (for me two weeks max).
Seriously, these two people are stupid: the guy as much as the girl.
I knew this woman who chatted with a guy for 6 months without seeing him, and she was well in love and stuff, sent pictures of her in lingerie/naked to the guy. He turned out to be a kid...
Why would anyone fall in love with the perfect person they create in their mind is beyond me...
Hmmm I agree.
yeah, think you said it all. Still no reason for him to be that horrible to her though. Fat people have feelings too!!0 -
Geez, how tough is it to send a picture these days? Isn't that kinda part of getting to know someone?
Edit: That reminds me, I was kinda talking to this girl I met on some dating site for a while, we even met up for coffee once. A few days later we were texting and started sending pictures back and forth. She asked for one without my shirt on, and I'm not shy, but I sent her one where I was about 15 lbs heavier just to see her reaction. She sorta stopped texting me shortly after that...*****, lol.0 -
Scared that she orders too much food at the restaurant since we're supposed to pay for the restaurant, maybe?yeah, think you said it all. Still no reason for him to be that horrible to her though. Fat people have feelings too!!
To be honest though, I would despise this girl because I think she's childish: "You should not love me for who I am physically". The only reply this calls is: "Okay, in this case don't expect me to touch you physically, ever".
I just don't get it. Like our body and minds were separate entities? I mean "Loving People for Who They Are" doesn't mean anything.
I am as much my body as my mind.
Especially because there are so many ways to express yourself through your body: hair, make up, clothes, accessories, piercings, tattoos, and more.
Your body can be an extension of your mind if you really want this.
So yes, for me I love people for the full package of who they are, not half of who they are (only their minds, or only their bodies). Those who say that are the ones lying to themselves.0 -
I feel bad for the girl but I don’t understand why she wouldn’t send her picture before hand....
I haven’t tried online dating but from what I've heard I would post a ton of pictures so whoever knows exactly what they are getting. I would probably cry if someone did this to me!0 -
Geez, how tough is it to send a picture these days? Isn't that kinda part of getting to know someone?
Actually, my friend on eHarmony is getting to know a guy on who only posted a face pic and nothing else. She's not shallow enough to care about whether he's overweight, or significantly scarred or anything like that, and is resistant to my insistence that she needs to ask for a full body picture before things get much further. She thinks that would be too pushy. Her giving heart is one of the things I love most about her! But I’m shallow (I admit it!). I want fireworks and spice and if a guy is too thin I’m not gonna feel it, so I want pictures asap.0 -
I feel bad for the girl but I don’t understand why she wouldn’t send her picture before hand
Probably (I don't know her) because when she posted more pictures of her whold body she either got no dates or only got guys looking for someone easy; as if heavier girls had no self esteem that just the tiniest amount of attention would let any creeper into her pants. I read that on a PUA site somewhere. Makes me sick.
My coworker said his brother never actually asked her for to send pictures. He was going off the one she had on her profile, and you know how it is the camera angle can make you look a lot thinner. This was the first girl he met online since recently becoming single.0 -
Geez, how tough is it to send a picture these days? Isn't that kinda part of getting to know someone?
Actually, my friend on eHarmony is getting to know a guy on who only posted a face pic and nothing else. She's not shallow enough to care about whether he's overweight, or significantly scarred or anything like that, and is resistant to my insistence that she needs to ask for a full body picture before things get much further. She thinks that would be too pushy. Her giving heart is one of the things I love most about her! But I’m shallow (I admit it!). I want fireworks and spice and if a guy is too thin I’m not gonna feel it, so I want pictures asap.
Ah yes, the people that only post head shots. I usually try to steer clear of them too, unless they're cute enough and they seem really cool. I would never ask for a full body pic though, I would at least met them for coffee.0 -
I would never ask for a full body pic though, I would at least met them for coffee.
It never occured to me not to ask for a pic, but good point. Especially since they might send you old pictures. I always try to meet someone in person quickly anyway. Too often, the last time I was online, I would really like someone electronically or over the phone, only to not like them in person and feel like I wasted too much time.0 -
Scared that she orders too much food at the restaurant since we're supposed to pay for the restaurant, maybe?yeah, think you said it all. Still no reason for him to be that horrible to her though. Fat people have feelings too!!
To be honest though, I would despise this girl because I think she's childish: "You should not love me for who I am physically". The only reply this calls is: "Okay, in this case don't expect me to touch you physically, ever".
I just don't get it. Like our body and minds were separate entities? I mean "Loving People for Who They Are" doesn't mean anything.
I am as much my body as my mind.
Especially because there are so many ways to express yourself through your body: hair, make up, clothes, accessories, piercings, tattoos, and more.
Your body can be an extension of your mind if you really want this.
So yes, for me I love people for the full package of who they are, not half of who they are (only their minds, or only their bodies). Those who say that are the ones lying to themselves.
thankfully, for every guy that 'despises' a fat girl, there is a guy that will love her. Each to their own, as they say :bigsmile:
Nobody is questioning your/his preferences or turn ons or anything. As far as I read, the girl just turned up without even being asked for a picture. I didnt read she said anything about loving her for who she is. That was just Janie's title for the thread.
Considering she didnt lie, she didnt post false pics, she was just being who she is and then she just turned up and didnt happen to be his fantasy, she didnt deserve the abuse, that's all I'm saying.0 -
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
There is never any excuse for cruelty. Of course she should have sent a photo, that's no excuse for cruelty. To me this guy is every bit as toxic as the creep on Bikini's thread. I think she dodged a bullet with this one, thank goodness circumstances conspired to show her his true colours before she got attached to him.
As for my thoughts on the importance of the outward package - it's both important and not important. It's important because physical attraction is important in a relationship. I don't just want to be loved for my personality, I want my body to be worshiped too! :laugh: It's equally important for me to feel that way about my guy. But it's unimportant in that some people will find most people beautiful. I have been very overweight most of my adult life and I have never left insecure about my looks and that's in part because there have always been men who have found me very attractive (I have friends who have similar experience too). I'm convinced that the reason most overweight people don't feel the same is because of the way they feel about themselves.
Of course many will desire physical perfection, especially given the superficial looks obsessed world in which we live. That's fine, that's their right. For many others, there will be some people they find an instant turn on or turn off but the majority in the middle they will feel neutral about. That's where personality comes in, if you begin to care for someone, you find them attractive. This is why couples together for decades may change physically and still find each other attractive.
I have helped people who are fearful of rejection and social condemnation and those with facial disfigurements who fear others will always look at them with disgust. Both world views are informed by harsh experience. Part of the proccess of overcoming these problems is to identify who you are choosing to spend your time with, what meanings you are taking from the judgements of others and whether that is the only reality out there. I can tell you it isn't
. Of course it's more difficult if you are disfigured, but all people want is hope and this is realistic. As always, it's the view of self that is the determining factor in overcoming difficulties like these. Here are some examples of people who have succeeded:
Simon Weston: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Weston
Debbie Hanson: http://www.sundaymercury.net/news/midlands-news/2011/04/10/birmingham-woman-tells-how-she-found-love-and-a-family-despite-facial-disfigurement-66331-28493979/0 -
I would never ask for a full body pic though, I would at least met them for coffee.
It never occured to me not to ask for a pic, but good point. Especially since they might send you old pictures. I always try to meet someone in person quickly anyway. Too often, the last time I was online, I would really like someone electronically or over the phone, only to not like them in person and feel like I wasted too much time.
Yeah, I agree with you. Just meet. Ends all the anticipation and expectations. Pictures only say so much no matter how many you post. Attraction is so much more than a still!0 -
Just thought of a better way of summarising my above (overly long) post. Variety and diversity are inherent in every aspect of human nature. Just as people are capable of great cruelty, so they are capable of great kindness. Just as some may have a very narrow range of what they may find attractive, so others may be far more open-minded.0
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I know there's always the chance that people are using fake pics or old pics, and that's the chance you take when you are dating online. But if someone won't give you a picture at all for 2 months, that should be a really big clue that this person has some deep insecurities about her appearance and isn't in the right state of mind to be dating. He should've picked up on that, so he shares some of the blame here.
But more to the point, this girl clearly wasn't honest about her looks. I'm guessing she at least described herself to the guy (surely he didn't fall for someone having no idea at all what she looked like), and I would imagine she understated how big she was. He certainly wasn't right to yell at her like he did, but can you imagine the shock of thinking you're in love with this person, and then she turns out to look nothing like you expected? It wasn't just about her looks; it was a reaction to being deceived by her, and that has everything to do with what kind of person she is.
I also agree with the others that the online portion of your relationship has to be short-lived. If a guy lived in the same city as I do, or within short driving distance, I would expect to meet him pretty quickly, i.e. within a week or so of the initial contact. If he kept putting it off, I'd assume he wasn't really interested, was unavailable, or was otherwise lying about something, and I'd move on. Obviously, there are more factors to consider if two people live pretty far apart, but even then, you can tell whether or not someone really wants to meet you. If they do, they make an effort. They toss out some tentative dates, ask for time off work (if applicable), make travel plans, suggest some things to do, etc. When there is real, mutual interest, and in the absence of any major complications like having to arrange for childcare, these things tend to happen pretty quickly.0 -
The two people in that scenario are probably not ready to be dating. She was being somewhat deceptive -how hard is it to post a recent photo in this day and age? And he was rushing something that wasn't there - and being a *kitten* to scream at her. The whole things is unfortunate, but hopefully they both learned a lesson and can move on.0
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A coworker just told me how his brother got to know this girl online for about two months, had really fallen for her, talking about “she’s the one.” Until he met her in person. Apparently, she was obese, and he screamed at her for being fat and worthless. I can understand why she didn’t send a picture- hoping he’d fall in love with her great personality and by time they actually met not care about her size. Realistically, most of us care about looks. I would think if a guy really cared *that much* then he would request a picture up front. He shouldn’t have been so harsh with her! My heart hurts for this girl!
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
i think it deoends on how the other person presents themself. the woman in the first example was clearly trying to hide her obesity and was kind of trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes and waiting until they were hooked before the truth was revealed. THAT is not cool. that's manipulative and dishonest.
it's not about being deformed, overweight,underweight, etc that's the problem, it's the discomfort of it in the other person that makes it unattractive.. at least for me.
as for the general topic of loving people for who they are, that's hard for me. i'm not one of those women who can grow into a physical attraction with with a man. if i'm not physically attracted to a man from then start then no amount of intellectual or spiritual compatibility is going to make up for that .
half of the reason i'm in the relationship is for sex :laugh: , and if i can't have that then that just means the relationship switches to a friendship.0
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