Loving People for Who They Are
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What I despise is this kind of people who don't even love themselves enough to put a picture up, yet demand love from other people as if it was a due. This is called hypocrisy in my book...
Scared that she orders too much food at the restaurant since we're supposed to pay for the restaurant, maybe?yeah, think you said it all. Still no reason for him to be that horrible to her though. Fat people have feelings too!!
To be honest though, I would despise this girl because I think she's childish: "You should not love me for who I am physically". The only reply this calls is: "Okay, in this case don't expect me to touch you physically, ever".
I just don't get it. Like our body and minds were separate entities? I mean "Loving People for Who They Are" doesn't mean anything.
I am as much my body as my mind.
Especially because there are so many ways to express yourself through your body: hair, make up, clothes, accessories, piercings, tattoos, and more.
Your body can be an extension of your mind if you really want this.
So yes, for me I love people for the full package of who they are, not half of who they are (only their minds, or only their bodies). Those who say that are the ones lying to themselves.
thankfully, for every guy that 'despises' a fat girl, there is a guy that will love her. Each to their own, as they say :bigsmile:
Nobody is questioning your/his preferences or turn ons or anything. As far as I read, the girl just turned up without even being asked for a picture. I didnt read she said anything about loving her for who she is. That was just Janie's title for the thread.
Considering she didnt lie, she didnt post false pics, she was just being who she is and then she just turned up and didnt happen to be his fantasy, she didnt deserve the abuse, that's all I'm saying.
You can always have nice surprises (I.e. you feel like you are worthless and someone loves you regardless), but I would strongly advise this person to either love herself or change herself.
It all boils down to confidence in the end, and from what I understand she lacks in this department... There is this girl I know who told me she wasn't worth dating because she was fat, yet she is one of the few girls I would consider dating at the moment because I'm always having a great time with her (but I didn't told her) - I just told her that she was worth so much more than she thinks. :brokenheart:
True the abuse is unjustified and never is though (and won't probably help her) but I hope for her it's going to act as a wake up call so that she accepts herself. I mean it's a tough world out there and this probably isn't going to change tomorrow!0 -
I want to be mentally attracted to my partner first. Someone who can teach me something also always impresses. I can do without a breath taking appearance as long as he's good in bed.0
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It all boils down to confidence in the end, and from what I understand she lacks in this department... There is this girl I know who told me she wasn't worth dating because she was fat, yet she is one of the few girls I would consider dating at the moment because I'm always having a great time with her (but I didn't told her) - I just told her that she was worth so much more than she thinks. :brokenheart:
Tell her!! Please, tell her! Sometimes all it takes for someone to start to feel better about themselves is to hear or realise that they are desirable to someone else. People always say "You have to like yourself for others to like you", but for some people that translates into "I don't like myself/wouldn't find myself attractive, so how could someone else like me/find me attractive" or "If no-one else loves me, how on earth am I supposed to love myself?". If the evidence of one's own experiences are against you, it's very, very hard to over-ride that and somehow develop self-belief/self-love.
I take great comfort in my lowest moments from the fact that, once upon a time, a certain someone I liked, and still like a great deal, asked me to go home with him. I've learned not to expect that kind of interest over the years, so I didn't understand or realise what he was saying until it was too late (still regret that!), but someone, somewhen DID find me attractive, and I cling to that when I feel really lonely and unwanted. Even if you don't end up together, you'd be giving her a great gift if you told her. It's easy to dismiss "you're worth more than you think" as someone being kind, or a good friend. Much harder to talk yourself out of believing "I would date you", however low your self-worth.
I really feel for the girl in the OP. Although she did open herself up to an unfortunate encounter by not being upfront about her appearance, no-one taking that sort of chance deserves to be screamed at, belittled and berated, and presumably publicly humiliated. If the guy didn't ask for pictures, and physical appearance matters to him enough to over-ride the sort of mental and emotional connection that might have had him saying "she's the one", she is by no means the only guilty party. Hoping that someone will like you enough for your character, mind and personality to overlook physical issues (that might not be a turn-off for some!), while naive, is a rather wonderful form of hope and faith in the essential kindness of human nature. I hope this turn of events has not destroyed her self-worth, or her faith, entirely.0 -
I want to be mentally attracted to my partner first. Someone who can teach me something also always impresses. I can do without a breath taking appearance as long as he's good in bed.
I love that picture of you, very cute :flowerforyou:
And I agree. Mental stimulation does count for a lot. But I can't sleep with someone I dont find physically attractive too. But I have been known to find someone physically attractive after getting to know them mentally/emotionally.0 -
True the abuse is unjustified and never is though (and won't probably help her) but I hope for her it's going to act as a wake up call so that she accepts herself. I mean it's a tough world out there and this probably isn't going to change tomorrow!
It wont help her AT ALL!!! She will now go crawl under a rock and never take a picture of herself again. Then she will probably cut her wrists and leave the cooker on!!! :noway:
All joking aside, she might think she needs to be more open about her physicality, but it certainly wont do anything for her self esteem.
She probably fell for the guy too!! Awwww, I feel so sorry for her :sad:0 -
Just thought of a better way of summarising my above (overly long) post. Variety and diversity are inherent in every aspect of human nature. Just as people are capable of great cruelty, so they are capable of great kindness. Just as some may have a very narrow range of what they may find attractive, so others may be far more open-minded.
Yes, well said honey :flowerforyou:0 -
A coworker just told me how his brother got to know this girl online for about two months, had really fallen for her, talking about “she’s the one.” Until he met her in person. Apparently, she was obese, and he screamed at her for being fat and worthless. I can understand why she didn’t send a picture- hoping he’d fall in love with her great personality and by time they actually met not care about her size. Realistically, most of us care about looks. I would think if a guy really cared *that much* then he would request a picture up front. He shouldn’t have been so harsh with her! My heart hurts for this girl!
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
I am quoting the OP here to highlight how very little we actually know of the situation.
The word screamed is a hot button one and without being there we have no idea if it is an accurate description.
We don`t know if he had pressed for a picture,was clear about what he expected and had been repeatedly deceived.
Lest we forget,just about everyone here has declared openly there are deal breakers for them,many ladies stating unequivocally that they will not even entertain the thought of dating a man shorter then they are.
Now in that light,picture a person who has possibly been assured they will be pleased with meeting in person,has "fallen" for the other very deeply and trusts them completely.
Suddenly face to face and they find that what they expected was a lie and were angry and heart broken.
Imagine yourselves in this situation ladies except in its place insert the man was married rather then woman was obese.
Are you going to calmly react to that?
All I am suggesting is to be cautious about painting a picture based on almost no information and what is provided is second or third hand.0 -
A coworker just told me how his brother got to know this girl online for about two months, had really fallen for her, talking about “she’s the one.” Until he met her in person. Apparently, she was obese, and he screamed at her for being fat and worthless. I can understand why she didn’t send a picture- hoping he’d fall in love with her great personality and by time they actually met not care about her size. Realistically, most of us care about looks. I would think if a guy really cared *that much* then he would request a picture up front. He shouldn’t have been so harsh with her! My heart hurts for this girl!
It also reminds me of an article I read about a girl who was seriously scarred due to a fire. She had a hard time finding love because men were turned off by her scarred skin. She is now happily married to a man she met doing volunteer work; He admired her beautiful spirit.
Physical deformations/abnormalities are nowhere near as damaging to a relationship as inner/emotional deformations. But it seems like we humans are so much more concerned with the outward package.
Would you all share your thoughts on this?
I am quoting the OP here to highlight how very little we actually know of the situation.
The word screamed is a hot button one and without being there we have no idea if it is an accurate description.
We don`t know if he had pressed for a picture,was clear about what he expected and had been repeatedly deceived.
Later quote from the OP:My coworker said his brother never actually asked her for to send pictures. He was going off the one she had on her profile, and you know how it is the camera angle can make you look a lot thinner. This was the first girl he met online since recently becoming single.Lest we forget,just about everyone here has declared openly there are deal breakers for them,many ladies stating unequivocally that they will not even entertain the thought of dating a man shorter then they are.
Now in that light,picture a person who has possibly been assured they will be pleased with meeting in person,has "fallen" for the other very deeply and trusts them completely.
Suddenly face to face and they find that what they expected was a lie and were angry and heart broken.
Imagine yourselves in this situation ladies except in its place insert the man was married rather then woman was obese.
Are you going to calmly react to that?
All I am suggesting is to be cautious about painting a picture based on almost no information and what is provided is second or third hand.
Oh, I can understand that he was upset, Carl, just, from the information we are given - and that is, after all, all we can go from in our discussions here - his reaction was excessive, and very unkind, especially to someone he presumably cared about to some degree. It was unwise (naive? if this was his first 'online' experience) of him, perhaps, not to ask for pictures, and also to become so emotionally involved without any face to face contact, but disappointment is no excuse for calling someone "fat and worthless". That's not only rude, but cruel. We all have deal-breakers - if appearance was one for him, he should have asked for photos.
Re. your question about a reaction to discovering that the man was married, I don't think it's a direct comparison. Someone's physical appearance is subjective, and while it may affect our perception of their attractiveness, it does not affect their intrinsic availability or otherwise. If I, in good faith, go to meet a potential romantic partner, I'm going in the expectation that he is available to enter into a relationship with me, should we both wish to. If he turns out to be married, he's not available. If I go to meet someone who turns out to be be fatter/taller/shorter/older, that may affect whether or not I *want* to have a relationship with them, but does not affect their availability. Going out with someone who is obese will not contravene someone's moral code. Going out with someone who is married, may do. The deceit, while present in both scenarios, is on two very different levels. In any case, while I would not react well, I sincerely hope I would at least be polite about it.0 -
My only point was that the reactions here,essentially he is some sort of monster and she is an almost innocent and to be pitied waif are products of personal biases more then known facts.
If it happened as described then he was rude and she was deceptive,neither should be especially felt sorry for nor defended.0 -
Well, I hope they have both learnt their lesson here!My only point was that the reactions here,essentially he is some sort of monster and she is an almost innocent and to be pitied waif are products of personal biases more then known facts.
If it happened as described then he was rude and she was deceptive,neither should be especially felt sorry for nor defended.0 -
I want to be mentally attracted to my partner first. Someone who can teach me something also always impresses. I can do without a breath taking appearance as long as he's good in bed.
I love that picture of you, very cute :flowerforyou:
And I agree. Mental stimulation does count for a lot. But I can't sleep with someone I dont find physically attractive too. But I have been known to find someone physically attractive after getting to know them mentally/emotionally.
Thanks girl! And I too have become physically attracted to someone after mental first... An "okay" looking guy with an awesome sense of humor and great personality that is always smiling will def win me over with charm!0 -
I want to be mentally attracted to my partner first. Someone who can teach me something also always impresses. I can do without a breath taking appearance as long as he's good in bed.
haha a woman after my own heart! Love it!
I have found that men who treat me well, even if they aren't a "perfect 10" are sooooo sexy! For me it's more about the mental and emotional, but there is some bit of the physical (as evidenced by my posts about thin guys).0 -
Wow. I agree with lorro, there is absolutely no excuse for cruelty. Using the word "worthless" while railing at her about her weight is an incredibly harsh blow that is going to be extremely hard to overcome. Nobody's worth should be based on their weight, I don't care if over-, under-, or right in the middle of a healthy BMI. So many women tell themselves every day that they are worthless, disgusting creatures because of their body, and then situations like this happen, which only serve to cement that idea in their brain. It's so unbelievably sad.
That being said, for her own protection, the girl should have put pictures of herself that actually look like her. Even though this man wouldn't have been attracted, there would be another man who is. There is a reason there are so many physical types. We all like something different. I happen to like thinner, nerdy guys (no idea, I always feel like I'm going to break them :laugh: ), but my roommate would only write to men who I liked to refer to as "meatheads from Massachusetts"). Neither of us found the other's "types" attractive necessarily, but we didn't discourage each other from liking who we liked (ok, we laughed, but it was all in good fun
).
As a side note, if you ask someone out for a date, be polite. Don't just tell someone to get out just because you didn't think they were attractive. Yes, by all means, cut the date short, but don't be an *kitten* about it...0 -
Neither of us found the other's "types" attractive necessarily, but we didn't discourage each other from liking who we liked (ok, we laughed, but it was all in good fun ).
hehe I love it when my friends have a different "type" as me. I don't like going out with girls who like the same type of guy, because most of my girlfriends are the blond(ish) haired, blue eyed types that the guys always like. When we go out, they’re used to getting most of the guys but the rare times a guy likes me instead of them it gets reeeeeaaaaallly ugly.0 -
Neither of us found the other's "types" attractive necessarily, but we didn't discourage each other from liking who we liked (ok, we laughed, but it was all in good fun ).
hehe I love it when my friends have a different "type" as me. I don't like going out with girls who like the same type of guy, because most of my girlfriends are the blond(ish) haired, blue eyed types that the guys always like. When we go out, they’re used to getting most of the guys but the rare times a guy likes me instead of them it gets reeeeeaaaaallly ugly.
this should be a different topic or not.
but yes, i've also experienced this. when i lived in NYC 8 out of 10 times when i'd go out with my female friends i'd be somewhat ignored. but 2 out of 10 times when i would get attention suddenly it would be "i'm bored. let's leave " or "i hate this place" :laugh:0 -
Well, it's my thread so I guess it's ok to threadjack, lol
I actually lost a friend to this: she was always rubbing it in my face how I was never gonna find a guy. I don't mind honest friendship, so I never really saw her digs as anything other than truth... after all, women around here are tiny and that's what men want. Plus I over analyze everything and guys around here don't like that at ALL.
But one day this guy she really liked was into me, not her. All the girls he liked were like me: short and squat, whereas she was quite tall slender (and beautiful). And I told her so. I told her he didn't like her type and don't be mad at me because even though 9 out of 10 guys likes them tall thin and blonde like you... instead be happy we actually find the 1 guy who's actually into me. By then I'd already got to know him well enough to know we wouldn't work, but she still refused to talk to me after that.0 -
With friends like those, who needs enemies!?!
When I was much younger sometimes my friends and I would compete for guys as a laugh (not seriously) but if ever any of us were seriously interested, everyone would do what they could to make it happen for them. Surely that is what caring about people is all about, wanting them to be happy? I can kind of see why someone with very low self esteem may feel jealous, but people who feel OK about themselves, what possible reason could they have for not wanting others to have their success? I don't get it :huh:0 -
But one day this guy she really liked was into me, not her. All the girls he liked were like me: short and squat, whereas she was quite tall slender (and beautiful). And I told her so. I told her he didn't like her type and don't be mad at me because even though 9 out of 10 guys likes them tall thin and blonde like you... instead be happy we actually find the 1 guy who's actually into me. By then I'd already got to know him well enough to know we wouldn't work, but she still refused to talk to me after that.
This is why most of my friends are male!! I really can't stand competitive females. And sore losers are even worse! You're better off without her, for sure!
Oh, and thank God for guys that like dark, short and squat!! That would be me too!! :bigsmile:0 -
We are all someone else's rejects so what one person isn't attracted to, another person may be...both physically and mentally. I think honesty is the key. If we have to lie, mislead or omit details about ourselves in order to keep someone's attention, we are only hurting ourselves. How long can you keep appearances up before the real you shines through?? Way too much work!
Embrace the delightfully-flawed you....and I'm sure someone else will too (or at least that's what I'm told). 0 -
We are all someone else's rejects so what one person isn't attracted to, another person may be...both physically and mentally. I think honesty is the key. If we have to lie, mislead or omit details about ourselves in order to keep someone's attention, we are only hurting ourselves. How long can you keep appearances up before the real you shines through?? Way too much work!
Embrace the delightfully-flawed you....and I'm sure someone else will too (or at least that's what I'm told).
Exactly. When in love, I especially love my loved one's foibles. Perfection is boring :happy:
Disclaimer: this doesn't apply to faults which erode the relationship, for those I tend to be more discriminating.0
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