Putting my toe in the water

hanna1210

Alright, I've decided to stop observing and become a participant in this group. Be kind, I sort of feel like a skiddish bunny at this point.

Anyway, I have to ask for opinions. I'm new to the online dating scene (*kitten*, dating in general, to be honest) and signed up for an OKC account the other day. There have been some guys sniffing around, but no real takers. Which is fine, I'm new and would like to know just how the water feels before jumping in. But there's this one guy... He sent me a message asking where I was from (mentioned in the profile that I grew up in the Midwest) and went back in forth with incredibly short answers for about a half a second and now he wants to meet for coffee.

From his profile, his goals seem to be oriented toward work and money, which is not what I'm aiming for. That's great that he has such wonderful goals, but that's not how my brain works (work in the nonprofit world). And we really don't have much in common other than that we both moved here from another part of the country (what a suprise in Denver) and we both went to college. Just not my cup of tea.

So, I guess what I'm asking is... how do I get rid of him? I hate confrontation of any kind, so this is driving me a little crazy. I've never been one that had other people breaking down my door for dates and have never had to do this.

Any and all opinions are appreciated!

Carl01

"Thank you for asking to meet,right now though I just don`t feel our wants are the same so am going to decline.
Good luck on here and best wishes"

If he is a problem after that then use whatever mechanism there is to block/report him.

DMZ_1

Just copy and paste Carl's words. Most guys won't bother to pursue something like that any further.

Your inbox will probably be flooded on OkC.

pa_jorg

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

scapez

"I looked at your profile and don't feel that we're a compatible match, but good luck to you in your search!"

melg126

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

I agree on the possibility of meeting him... it's just coffee. You never know you might like him. If you don't like him then it's not a dinner date you committed to.

morganhccstudent724

It's just coffee...

Sit and talk to this man for an hour or so.



Unless you don't like coffee....

DMZ_1

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

Option 1 is the better option.

There's no reason to go with someone who doesn't interest you (Option 2). The guy will resent his time and money (even if it is a small sum) being wasted. You may not have fun being with someone who isn't your style. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.

JanieJack

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

I agree on the possibility of meeting him... it's just coffee. You never know you might like him. If you don't like him then it's not a dinner date you committed to.

Agreed!
(more thoughts sent via msg)

jaxdiablo

I've got to agree with the letting him know now and getting it out of the way, it's the best thing.

You're from the midwest and have an adipose as your avatar? I like you already lol

AnnaPixie

There won't be a confrontation, you say 'no thanks', he moves on.

The online dating world is harsh and furious. He probably asked 100s of girls the same things and cos you replied he's grabbing the opportunity. I think you will need to get used to a few things. Namely, if you dont think someone is a match in any respect, then there is no need to engage in conversation.

Welcome out of lurkdom, nice to see you! :flowerforyou:

takingnameskickingbutt

Girl, if you don't like him on the internet, you aren't going to like him for coffee. I once went on a date I was sort of meh about and he turned out to be a total psycho. I am now not online dating. Wait till someone strikes your fancy, and don't ignore your instincts!

As many people have said, just a short to the point message where you say you aren't interested, but you wish him good luck

pa_jorg

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

Option 1 is the better option.

There's no reason to go with someone who doesn't interest you (Option 2). The guy will resent his time and money (even if it is a small sum) being wasted. You may not have fun being with someone who isn't your style. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.

I will say that for myself, the thought of the very first date (after 15 years in a relationship and healing...) was TERRIFYING! I ended up going for a walk and coffee with a guy that was super nice and sweet, but boring as a box of rocks. I could tell from his emails and calls that he was a decent guy and not a creep, so it eased me back into the situation. I am very sorry if anyone thinks I used him for his time or $3.50 for coffee, but mentally, I needed someone I felt 'safe' and knew I wouldn't over-analyze intentions with to be the very first date. I'm not saying the OP should or should not meet this specific guy, just to keep her options open and when ready, ease in with someone who seems ok, even if it isn't going to be a perfect match.

Roadie2000

Geez, just stop messaging him, that's what everyone else does.

But there may be more to him than what it says in his profile, being goal oriented towards making money isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe he gives half of it to charity and volunteers on the weekends. Maybe you two would have great chemistry.

Or maybe he just wants to get laid. He sounds a little too eager to meet for coffee, but some people do that.

JThomas61

"Thank you for asking to meet,right now though I just don`t feel our wants are the same so am going to decline.
Good luck on here and best wishes"

Carl gives excellent advice ^ this for sure! That is a polite brushoff and he will move on to the next person.

JanieJack

There's no reason to go with someone who doesn't interest you (Option 2). The guy will resent his time and money (even if it is a small sum) being wasted. You may not have fun being with someone who isn't your style. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.

Would you consider it if she bought her own coffee and spent, maybe, an hour getting to know him? Here are some reasons, from a female perspective, that I could see it being beneficial (would love to hear any contrasting opinions)

1. Online is not the best portrayal of personality. I've met quite a few guys lately who appeared to be one way online and are totally different in person. So if he's not a total jerk online (or someone she just physically isn't attracted to) then I'm all for giving it a quick meet for coffee.

2. She might discover that she likes him after all (she's just getting back into dating and might not yet have dated enough guys to know what she really likes as opposed to what she thinks she might like).

3. It's an opportunity for both of them to continue honing their dating skills. Practice makes perfect.

4. Many a "nice guy" won over a great woman who gave them a chance despite initial non-interest. And who was it that said that guys like the challenge of winning a woman's affections?

and (drum roll please)

5. And even if they don't like each other, it could be a win-win for both as we all know "when it rains, it pours" and there's something subconscious about going out on one date that often leads to a chain reaction of interest.


OTOH... if you absolutely KNOW you aren't not one drop interested in spending some time with this guy, I'm all for responding as Carl suggested.

Jules0336

Just tell him the truth, that you just don't see it going anywhere

If you are worried about getting rid of him now imagine how hard it will be for you after your date. It's a lot easier to get it done now. Plus, I don't think I would want someone to spend their time with me knowing that I didn't see it going anywhere. Just doesn't seem fair to me.

Good luck

DMZ_1

There's no reason to go with someone who doesn't interest you (Option 2). The guy will resent his time and money (even if it is a small sum) being wasted. You may not have fun being with someone who isn't your style. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.

Would you consider it if she bought her own coffee and spent, maybe, an hour getting to know him? Here are some reasons, from a female perspective, that I could see it being beneficial (would love to hear any contrasting opinions)

1. Online is not the best portrayal of personality. I've met quite a few guys lately who appeared to be one way online and are totally different in person. So if he's not a total jerk online (or someone she just physically isn't attracted to) then I'm all for giving it a quick meet for coffee.

2. She might discover that she likes him after all (she's just getting back into dating and might not yet have dated enough guys to know what she really likes as opposed to what she thinks she might like).

3. It's an opportunity for both of them to continue honing their dating skills. Practice makes perfect.

4. Many a "nice guy" won over a great woman who gave them a chance despite initial non-interest. And who was it that said that guys like the challenge of winning a woman's affections?

and (drum roll please)

5. And even if they don't like each other, it could be a win-win for both as we all know "when it rains, it pours" and there's something subconscious about going out on one date that often leads to a chain reaction of interest.


OTOH... if you absolutely KNOW you aren't not one drop interested in spending some time with this guy, I'm all for responding as Carl suggested.

The coffee shop date is not an advantageous date for men. It's way too comfortable. Comfort = low interest. Doesn't build attraction. Ever seen anyone kiss passionately in a coffee shop? No. And the nice guy on the coffee shop date will just end up wasting $5-$10 and an hour. Granted, for most, those aren't big losses, but there are better ways to spend time. And some are even less expensive. Point 4 is off the mark too. Women usually don't go for the nice guy and guys would rather deal with someone they already know is into them rather than trying to win someone over.

Coffee shop dates are neutral mazes that lead to nowhere.

Carl01

Personally I would be a bit hurt or even miffed if I found out a lady agreed to a meeting just as a practice run for her.
Most ladies here have expressed that they consider it the guys responsibility to ask,plan,provide the first date so don`t be disingenuous regarding the reason for accepting.
You say yes then I am going to presume that you had at least a shadow of an interest in a potential relationship developing.

JanieJack

The coffee shop date is not an advantageous date for men. It's way too comfortable. Comfort = low interest. Doesn't build attraction. Ever seen anyone kiss passionately in a coffee shop?
…
Coffee shop dates are neutral mazes that lead to nowhere.

I had a fabulous coffee shop date yesterday. No, there was no passionate kissing, but I'm not gonna “passionately” kiss anyone on the first day I meet him. Not my style. For me, being able to be comfortable with someone is part of what builds attraction. We’ve made plans to go out “for real” this time, and I can’t wait to see him all gussied up (he’s yummy). Plenty of attraction there.

As for point 4, I think I just must associate with a different crowd than you do. Because of the happy couples I’m observing most of them the man had to work hard to woo her. To hear them tell it, anyway.

christine24t

My suggestion: send a post back saying something like "it's been nice talking to you, but i just met someone else on here that I'm going to concentrate on for the time being. Good luck! " or some variation on that.

I had a guy asked me out once and I told him "that's so nice, but I like someone else right now and that wouldn't be fair to you." That was a nice let down.

I don't necessarily think you should go out with him as practice unless you want to, because once you go out with someone, it is harder to end things with them. It it easier to say no online.

Bikini27

I have two schools of thought for you on this:
1. Just say you are not ready or interested to meet at this time after all, but thanks for the offer.
2. If he seems like a nice guy, even though he is not what you are looking for, you could meet him just to get one date under your belt. This might help you to build confidence for when you do come across someone you actually like.

I agree on the possibility of meeting him... it's just coffee. You never know you might like him. If you don't like him then it's not a dinner date you committed to.

Agreed!
(more thoughts sent via msg)

Agreed.

I look at it like this: Not so much as practice but as experience. I don't resent a single date that didn't work out. And if it doesn't work out, then c'est la vie.

And don't get too bogged down in rules (love ya DM!) because it'll just make you a nervous wreck.

Wear clothing you feel good in, choose a spot you've been to before and feel comfortable going to, and just let your best self shine through. In the end, you may walk away with a new man or nothing more than a nice conversation. But that is what dating is! Getting experience and trying new things

It's worth a shot.

JanieJack

Personally I would be a bit hurt or even miffed if I found out a lady agreed to a meeting just as a practice run for her.

You're right... I went back and look at what I quoted.. and it clearly says "is not interested in you." In my mind, I didn't read the OPs post as her not being one drop interested. But I guess that was her round about way of saying it.

I originally read it as dismissing him because of his focus on money but there had been something there for a slight intitial interest (hence the mailing back and forth).

So I stand corrected. If you really already know you don't like someone , don't waste their time.

Bikini27

The coffee shop date is not an advantageous date for men. It's way too comfortable. Comfort = low interest. Doesn't build attraction. Ever seen anyone kiss passionately in a coffee shop?
…
Coffee shop dates are neutral mazes that lead to nowhere.

I had a fabulous coffee shop date yesterday. No, there was no passionate kissing, but I'm not gonna “passionately” kiss anyone on the first day I meet him. Not my style. For me, being able to be comfortable with someone is part of what builds attraction. We’ve made plans to go out “for real” this time, and I can’t wait to see him all gussied up (he’s yummy). Plenty of attraction there.

As for point 4, I think I just must associate with a different crowd than you do. Because of the happy couples I’m observing most of them the man had to work hard to woo her. To hear them tell it, anyway.

Where do your rules COME FROM?? LOL
DM, I love your posts, but you have some insane rules that take all the fun and spontinity out of dating! It's *supposed* to be fun, not a chore.

Coffee dates take the pressure off. Everyone is more relaxed. And it can lead to walking around the park or a bookstore or maybe heading out to lunch.

Drinks of the adult kind for a first date are fine, but the expense is greater and so is the chance of ending up with a drunkard or sloppy kiss. Plus, I can't relax because in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking "God, I hope I don't sound drunk!" even with just a sip of wine.

Bikini27

One more thing on the coffeehouse date being comfortable: I am more myself when I am comfortable and more open to someone than when I am in uncomfortable clothing and seating.

Comfort does not in any way mean someone is not interested. It allows them to focus on the person rather than if their hemline is giving the people at the next table a view.

Bikini27

Geez, just stop messaging him, that's what everyone else does.

But there may be more to him than what it says in his profile, being goal oriented towards making money isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe he gives half of it to charity and volunteers on the weekends. Maybe you two would have great chemistry.

Or maybe he just wants to get laid. He sounds a little too eager to meet for coffee, but some people do that.

To be honest, I've done the week of long emails and then the week of texting and phone calls to meet and find that there was no chemistry or that the person spent a lot of time editing themselves in a way you can't in person.

So, I have moved things faster to avoid the total crestfallen feeling of something that seemed to have such potential ending. If we don't have a date within a week, I'll assume you aren't interested and move on.

DMZ_1

I had a fabulous coffee shop date yesterday. No, there was no passionate kissing, but I'm not gonna “passionately” kiss anyone on the first day I meet him. Not my style. For me, being able to be comfortable with someone is part of what builds attraction. We’ve made plans to go out “for real” this time, and I can’t wait to see him all gussied up (he’s yummy). Plenty of attraction there.

As for point 4, I think I just must associate with a different crowd than you do. Because of the happy couples I’m observing most of them the man had to work hard to woo her. To hear them tell it, anyway.

If you were on a date with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Denzel Washington or any other guy who you perceive as hot, you'd kiss if he wanted to. Even a small lip lock.

JanieJack

Drinks of the adult kind for a first date are fine, but the expense is greater and so is the chance of ending up with a drunkard or sloppy kiss.

See, I don't drink alcohol at all. And I'm ok with "meeting for drinks" and just getting soda or juice, but it usually ends up with the guy being upset I won't let him buy me a "real" drink. So I love the coffeeshop for that reason too.

Bikini27

I had a fabulous coffee shop date yesterday. No, there was no passionate kissing, but I'm not gonna “passionately” kiss anyone on the first day I meet him. Not my style. For me, being able to be comfortable with someone is part of what builds attraction. We’ve made plans to go out “for real” this time, and I can’t wait to see him all gussied up (he’s yummy). Plenty of attraction there.

As for point 4, I think I just must associate with a different crowd than you do. Because of the happy couples I’m observing most of them the man had to work hard to woo her. To hear them tell it, anyway.

If you were on a date with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Denzel Washington or any other guy who you perceive as hot, you'd kiss if he wanted to. Even a small lip lock.

Wow.
DM, you are handsome. But this thought right here? If this thought was verbalized to me by a date or potential date, I would strongly consider throwing a water in his face or suggesting he has low self esteem.

Most women who are seriously looking for their special someone do not just jump at the chance to liplock a hot man.

Character in that area, as well as the quality of the date, along with a dash of "right moment" is what matters.

DMZ_1

Where do your rules COME FROM?? LOL
DM, I love your posts, but you have some insane rules that take all the fun and spontinity out of dating! It's *supposed* to be fun, not a chore.

Coffee dates take the pressure off. Everyone is more relaxed. And it can lead to walking around the park or a bookstore or maybe heading out to lunch.

Drinks of the adult kind for a first date are fine, but the expense is greater and so is the chance of ending up with a drunkard or sloppy kiss. Plus, I can't relax because in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking "God, I hope I don't sound drunk!" even with just a sip of wine.

Relaxed isn’t necessarily a good thing. There’s got to be relaxation to a degree, but it is the butterflies in the stomach sensation that produces attraction. Butterflies in the stomach are not relaxed.

Coffee combined with a park walk isn’t bad, but it can’t be used with an online first date because the necessary trust factor isn’t there to make it work. Another reason why online dating has pitfalls. The only way that can work is if the coffee shop is within walking distance of the park or you two agree to ride together. How many coffee shops are within walking distance of a pretty park? Not many. Most coffee shops are in bland strip malls covered in asphalt far from a pretty attraction. In most cases, both sides are better off just going straight to the park.

Bikini27

Where do your rules COME FROM?? LOL
DM, I love your posts, but you have some insane rules that take all the fun and spontinity out of dating! It's *supposed* to be fun, not a chore.

Coffee dates take the pressure off. Everyone is more relaxed. And it can lead to walking around the park or a bookstore or maybe heading out to lunch.

Drinks of the adult kind for a first date are fine, but the expense is greater and so is the chance of ending up with a drunkard or sloppy kiss. Plus, I can't relax because in the back of my mind I am constantly thinking "God, I hope I don't sound drunk!" even with just a sip of wine.

Relaxed isn’t necessarily a good thing. There’s got to be relaxation to a degree, but it is the butterflies in the stomach sensation that produces attraction. Butterflies in the stomach are not relaxed.

Coffee combined with a park walk isn’t bad, but it can’t be used with an online first date because the necessary trust factor isn’t there to make it work. Another reason why online dating has pitfalls. The only way that can work is if the coffee shop is within walking distance of the park or you two agree to ride together. How many coffee shops are within walking distance of a pretty park? Not many. Most coffee shops are in bland strip malls covered in asphalt far from a pretty attraction. In most cases, both sides are better off just going straight to the park.

Ok, all I read is why something will not work.
DM, if I compiled all of your posts, 85% will have been about why doing X won't work. And this makes me sad for your dating life.

Where I live, there are plenty of coffee shops around either parks or historical plazas or even kitchy shops. Online dating is only the online version of blind dating or meeting a random person in a grocery line. Honest, we can label it all to death but the blind dates I have gone on were just the same as online dates and group dates. It's not the where or the when, it's the WHO. WHO you are. WHO they are. 1+1=2.

When all these rules start getting thrown around, not just by you, but by anyone...Lord, there goes the fun.
These are the only rules anyone really needs on a date:

Common Sense: you know when something is stupid and unsafe, don't do it.
Saftey: let a few people know where you are and who you're with. And don't drink and drive.
Be YOURSELF: They're gonna find out eventually anyway. May as well put it out there!

To OP: Again, I apologize for hijacking a bit here. Just hope all the rules don't deter you from dating

ETA: I get butterflies talking to a guy in the hallway on my way to the bathroom. Again, the WHERE doesn't matter