So What Is The Solution For Me?

graelwyn

Have a history of EDs, including anorexia which almost took my life when I was 18 and 22.
I had some years of being okay and not even knowing my weight, but I lapse, and this time seem to have ended up with bulimia issues.
I don't know why it has gone that way. I cannot ignore any slightest sign of hunger or craving these days.

I used to enjoy being hungry. Now I don't.

My issues started when I tried to lose some weight on getting with my current bf. I did not wish to weigh the same as him or have any chance of it, and he is naturally thin. So I decided to get down from 142Ibs to around 126Ibs. And then my troubles started. I started buying him lots of chocolate and cookies, as he likes the stuff and he had lost weight to a point he was underweight, but I began feeling deprived as I never kept any for myself. So I began getting chocolate in for myself too, and from there it has just gotten worse and worse.

I have on occasions, got through over a kilo of chocolate in a night, and purged several times.
I just returned from London to see my mother, and she had bought me a load of easter chocolate, and had cereal and biscuits which are major triggers for me. I binged every night, to quite an alarming degree, at least 3000 calories per binge, probably more. I am now 3Ibs heavier, after just those 2 days, lol which shows the extent of what I ate.

I tried banning these foods altogether and ended up feeling resentful and deprived.
I then started buying in loads of the stuff, determined to learn to moderate and sure I could do it. It backfired, but I still kept trying, and failing after a few days of being good.
I then simply took to buying one treat a day and that worked, but I still got evenings I would go out to the shop and buy in a load of ice cream bars.

I feel so utterly ashamed of this turn. It feels so bad when you used to have such self control that you existed on half a rice cake a day, to find yourself stuffing down piles of crap.
And I don't know the solution as I don't know if it is boredom, loneliness, depression or what.
I crave sugar so badly. And wheat it seems.

I could just cut it all out totally, but I don't think I could last longterm.

Are there any other bulimics/ex bulimics here?
Or anyone who might be able to advise or offer support?

I just want to be able to eat normally like anyone else, and have a little bit of things when I feel like it, without this inability to stop.

mischa_12

My situation is so much like yours it's scary. It's funny because last year I had the opposite problem that I have now...I didn't think about food at all and I was a complete stick. Now all I want to do is eat and my weight spiralled out of control. I'm also binging and then purging. The last time I did this was actually just yesterday and god I feel disgusting after I do it, it's so nasty having to sneak somewhere quiet to throw up after I've eaten more than I know I shouldn't have. I then promise myself that I will never do it again - it's a vicious cycle that I really want to break.

I'm just going to not by these foods because I don't have the ability to control myself. I haven't gotten weighed in a couple of weeks out of fear, I've been eating so much junk and I don't even know the effects of the purging yet...I could have gained a lot more.

I feel so much better about myself and in my body when I'm not stuffing my face and then throwing up - that is so unhealthy and I'm scared of not only the physical effects but mentally too.

It really is just something you have to make a conscious effort not to do and it's a struggle I know.

greekygirl

And I don't know the solution as I don't know if it is boredom, loneliness, depression or what.
I crave sugar so badly. And wheat it seems.

I could just cut it all out totally, but I don't think I could last longterm.

Are there any other bulimics/ex bulimics here?
Or anyone who might be able to advise or offer support?

I just want to be able to eat normally like anyone else, and have a little bit of things when I feel like it, without this inability to stop.

Hello friends,
I wish I had the solution! Unfortunately, I don't and I think it's different for all of us even though we share the same problem.

I would try to identify what it is you're feeling the next time you're wanting to binge. It might help to give you an alternative to using food. For me, I know it's boredom and lonliness, and when I feel the urge to binge come on I usually know what's going on with me and I am able to realize what I really need instead of food. Sometimes it works to help me not go to the food and sometimes it doesn't work but at least I know what's going on and I have the ability to make the decision as to whether I want to reach out to others for support or stuff my face. Sometimes if I can just distract myself for even a little while, the urge will go away...especially if I know what the underlying issue is.

I crave sugar and flour as well and I find that if I eat as many whole foods as possible and eliminate processed foods from my regular daily food plan, I don't crave it as much. For me abstinence works better than anything else, unfortunately (which is HARD, I know). I would love to eat normally like others as well but more times than not, I am not able to (with certain foods) and I don't know if I ever will be able to 100%.

There are many helpful books that may help you and a lot of support groups as well. I hope this helps. Feel free to friend me. And stay close to this group - everyone is awesome here and I find the support very helpful.

*edited to add* - I still have problems with bingeing and I find that overly restricting for a few days in a row will inetivitably (sp?) result in a binge at some point. I'm really trying to work on the restrict/binge/restrict cycle.