Independent Women
BelMckenzie
Posts: 249
Are guys in their 20s/30s threatened by independent women? I'm 26, have an awesome job, make a decent income and own a house. I keep myself busy but I make time to date. I do online dating where I tend to meet a bigger variety of guys, but I also try to meet guys out, I do meet-up groups and get set up. I typically date a 1-2 guys every a month or so- if I don't like the chemistry or see any future, I won't go past the first date. But for guys it seems to be the third date since now in the past year I have dated 3 guys but I can't make it past a third date. This current one drives me nuts- does not know how to call someone and sucks at texting- will text me and I will text back- then he won't respond for 2-4 hours. Our last (third) date was last week and after each time he always asks to see me again, this time has not. I'm just about to throw him back in and start over- should I?
This dating thing has been frustrating lately and I just need some encouraging thoughts. Thanks!
This dating thing has been frustrating lately and I just need some encouraging thoughts. Thanks!
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No.
To quote the movie...
If a guy is interested in you, he'll make it known.0 -
Are you having a good time with them on the dates?0
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I know, that's what I always figured but a guy I dated a couple months ago (I really was starting to like) we talked at least every other day for a couple of months(calls and texts) before we met, then we went on 3 dates (1-2 weeks in between each) had a great time on every one(he even told me that after we parted at the end of each date) and then called the night after meeting his friends (third date) to tell me he was not interested when every signal I was reading into was that he liked me-UGh... oh well life moves on but it made me second guess myself.0
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I am having a good time and I know how to keep a conversation going as long as I get something back from the guy more then one word answers.
I know how to enjoy myself (I think it's key in a relationship)0 -
I'm not the least bit threatened by independent women, in fact I prefer them.0
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I don't think guys are turned off my financial independence unless you make enough more money that you expect activities and a lifestyle the guy cannot afford to maintain. No one wants to go broke in the course of building a relationship. Some of your post has me wondering how emotionally independent you are though. Are you really that frustrated that it takes 2-4 hours to return a text? Part of the advantage of a text over an actual call is that you can respond at your convenience while continuing with other activities. Additionally, why are you waiting for him to make a decision about going on a 4th date? Ask him on a date. You've gone out 3 times already and stated that you don't go beyond a first date if you don't see something coming out of it. If you keep waiting on others to do things to make you happy, you're going to be waiting a long time and are very likely to be miserable for most of the wait.0
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There could be a million reasons why its not clicking for these guys:
Met someone else
Just want sex
dont feel good enough for you
Not ready for commitment
Cant be arsed
Not happy with your perfume
Prefer to play xbox on a friday
dont like your views on:
politics
religion
pantyhose
etc
etc
God knows!!!!
Dont worry about it. Dont take it personally. When Mr Right comes along, you wont need to question anything :flowerforyou:0 -
I can't speak for all men, but I would say that I am not at all intimidated by independent women. A woman with a good income impresses me.
However, the thing that I think many men would be guarded about with an independent woman is wondering whether she's really wanting a relationship. There are independent women out there who say that they want a man in their lives, but many of their actions send a different message, a message contrary to this. Many men realize this, particular older men who've seen more.
It seems like the OP is making dating a priority, which is good. Independence may not be the source of frustration.0 -
I know, that's what I always figured but a guy I dated a couple months ago (I really was starting to like) we talked at least every other day for a couple of months(calls and texts) before we met, then we went on 3 dates (1-2 weeks in between each) had a great time on every one(he even told me that after we parted at the end of each date) and then called the night after meeting his friends (third date) to tell me he was not interested when every signal I was reading into was that he liked me-UGh... oh well life moves on but it made me second guess myself.
Then something changed. And he made it known that he wasn't interested. So, the movie still holds true.
You'll figure it out and find someone, sometimes it just takes longer
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I can't speak for all men, but I would say that I am not at all intimidated by independent women. A woman with a good income impresses me.
However, the thing that I think many men would be guarded about with an independent woman is wondering whether she's really wanting a relationship. There are independent women out there who say that they want a man in their lives, but many of their actions send a different message, a message contrary to this. Many men realize this, particular older men who've seen more.
It seems like the OP is making dating a priority, which is good. Independence may not be the source of frustration.
I agree with this!!! I just want to add that I think independent women give off this impression that the don't NEED a man. I think every man wants to feel like they are needed. If it isn't financially, then it could be to open the pickle jar. I just know that if you want to EVER have a working relationship with a man, they need to feel important and needed in your life. If you don't do that, and don't make them a big priority, then I would have to say that independence is a turn off. I am independent, but I always make sure to let the guy I'm with know that I want him and need him in my life.0 -
I can't speak for all men, but I would say that I am not at all intimidated by independent women. A woman with a good income impresses me.
However, the thing that I think many men would be guarded about with an independent woman is wondering whether she's really wanting a relationship. There are independent women out there who say that they want a man in their lives, but many of their actions send a different message, a message contrary to this. Many men realize this, particular older men who've seen more.
It seems like the OP is making dating a priority, which is good. Independence may not be the source of frustration.
Yeah I am independent but I want a relationship and I make it known through words and actions (I believe)!0 -
I know, that's what I always figured but a guy I dated a couple months ago (I really was starting to like) we talked at least every other day for a couple of months(calls and texts) before we met, then we went on 3 dates (1-2 weeks in between each) had a great time on every one(he even told me that after we parted at the end of each date) and then called the night after meeting his friends (third date) to tell me he was not interested when every signal I was reading into was that he liked me-UGh... oh well life moves on but it made me second guess myself.
Then something changed. And he made it known that he wasn't interested. So, the movie still holds true.
You'll figure it out and find someone, sometimes it just takes longer
Thanks:) I was almost thinking I may not have "clicked" with his friends but I am very easy-going so I tend to get along with most people but in the grand scheme of life- it doesn't matter, he is not interested no need to dwell on it, just stung a bit.0 -
I don't think guys are turned off my financial independence unless you make enough more money that you expect activities and a lifestyle the guy cannot afford to maintain. No one wants to go broke in the course of building a relationship. Some of your post has me wondering how emotionally independent you are though. Are you really that frustrated that it takes 2-4 hours to return a text? Part of the advantage of a text over an actual call is that you can respond at your convenience while continuing with other activities. Additionally, why are you waiting for him to make a decision about going on a 4th date? Ask him on a date. You've gone out 3 times already and stated that you don't go beyond a first date if you don't see something coming out of it. If you keep waiting on others to do things to make you happy, you're going to be waiting a long time and are very likely to be miserable for most of the wait.
Well, it is frustrating since he doesn't like to call (I call him since I can't stand his texting) and when we are verifying plans it is very frustrating since it is just a short conversation. No, I don't think dinner and drinks is very expensive (I offer to pay too and he won't let me).0 -
I don't think guys are turned off my financial independence unless you make enough more money that you expect activities and a lifestyle the guy cannot afford to maintain. No one wants to go broke in the course of building a relationship. Some of your post has me wondering how emotionally independent you are though. Are you really that frustrated that it takes 2-4 hours to return a text? Part of the advantage of a text over an actual call is that you can respond at your convenience while continuing with other activities. Additionally, why are you waiting for him to make a decision about going on a 4th date? Ask him on a date. You've gone out 3 times already and stated that you don't go beyond a first date if you don't see something coming out of it. If you keep waiting on others to do things to make you happy, you're going to be waiting a long time and are very likely to be miserable for most of the wait.
Well, it is frustrating since he doesn't like to call (I call him since I can't stand his texting) and when we are verifying plans it is very frustrating since it is just a short conversation. No, I don't think dinner and drinks is very expensive (I offer to pay too and he won't let me).
Never believe a guy when he says he doesn't like to call. That's code for "I'm not that into you, so if you want to talk to me, you have to call me, and I'll either answer or I won't, depending on my mood and whether or not I'm banging some other chick at that moment."
Granted, most men don't like to talk on the phone for an hour at a time, but if he really likes you, he WANTS to talk to you. Texting is for 12-year-olds and guys who are trying to manage multiple women at once.
If I were you, I would stop calling AND texting these guys who won't call you. You're only prolonging the inevitable. I'm not saying you can never call a guy you're seeing. What I'm saying is that if HE never calls YOU, there's a reason for it, and it's not simply that he doesn't like to call.0 -
If I were you, I would stop calling AND texting these guys who won't call you. You're only prolonging the inevitable. I'm not saying you can never call a guy you're seeing. What I'm saying is that if HE never calls YOU, there's a reason for it, and it's not simply that he doesn't like to call.
Tru dat.
I've YET to meet one guy who tells me he doesn't like to call or initiate contact that didn't do exactly that when he met someone he REALLY liked. Hate to come back to the "gap filler" comment from that other post, but by chasing guys that's exactly what we become. Learned that the hard way (and even then, I forget with some guys, lol).0 -
I don't think guys are turned off my financial independence unless you make enough more money that you expect activities and a lifestyle the guy cannot afford to maintain. No one wants to go broke in the course of building a relationship. Some of your post has me wondering how emotionally independent you are though. Are you really that frustrated that it takes 2-4 hours to return a text? Part of the advantage of a text over an actual call is that you can respond at your convenience while continuing with other activities. Additionally, why are you waiting for him to make a decision about going on a 4th date? Ask him on a date. You've gone out 3 times already and stated that you don't go beyond a first date if you don't see something coming out of it. If you keep waiting on others to do things to make you happy, you're going to be waiting a long time and are very likely to be miserable for most of the wait.
Well, it is frustrating since he doesn't like to call (I call him since I can't stand his texting) and when we are verifying plans it is very frustrating since it is just a short conversation. No, I don't think dinner and drinks is very expensive (I offer to pay too and he won't let me).
Never believe a guy when he says he doesn't like to call. That's code for "I'm not that into you, so if you want to talk to me, you have to call me, and I'll either answer or I won't, depending on my mood and whether or not I'm banging some other chick at that moment."
Granted, most men don't like to talk on the phone for an hour at a time, but if he really likes you, he WANTS to talk to you. Texting is for 12-year-olds and guys who are trying to manage multiple women at once.
If I were you, I would stop calling AND texting these guys who won't call you. You're only prolonging the inevitable. I'm not saying you can never call a guy you're seeing. What I'm saying is that if HE never calls YOU, there's a reason for it, and it's not simply that he doesn't like to call.
^ This....if he is into you he will call, you might get the occasional text when a call isn't an option but he will follow up with a call as well.0 -
I never call anyone, I just don't like talking on the phone. Texting is just easier for chit chat, but I'll call if there's something specific I want to talk about. I just hate when people call me and don't have anything to say.0
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I love this post. I have been taking a break from dating, but I once did an experiment. I found (like Miranda on "Sex on the City") that telling people that I am an attorney is a turn-off, so like Miranda, I began telling people I was a flight attendant (not real dates, but for fun at a bar when I was out with my friends). I'll just say that it illicited a different response.
I am glad to know that there are men out there that like "independent" women.0 -
I just want to add that I think independent women give off this impression that the don't NEED a man. I think every man wants to feel like they are needed. If it isn't financially, then it could be to open the pickle jar. I just know that if you want to EVER have a working relationship with a man, they need to feel important and needed in your life. If you don't do that, and don't make them a big priority, then I would have to say that independence is a turn off. I am independent, but I always make sure to let the guy I'm with know that I want him and need him in my life.
Men want to feel wanted to in some fashion. We do need to feel like we are a priority in your life.Never believe a guy when he says he doesn't like to call. That's code for "I'm not that into you, so if you want to talk to me, you have to call me, and I'll either answer or I won't, depending on my mood and whether or not I'm banging some other chick at that moment."
Granted, most men don't like to talk on the phone for an hour at a time, but if he really likes you, he WANTS to talk to you. Texting is for 12-year-olds and guys who are trying to manage multiple women at once.
If I were you, I would stop calling AND texting these guys who won't call you. You're only prolonging the inevitable. I'm not saying you can never call a guy you're seeing. What I'm saying is that if HE never calls YOU, there's a reason for it, and it's not simply that he doesn't like to call.
All true. Guys will want to talk, at least in small doses. It’s essential before you’ve developed a relationship pattern.
The reverse of what jq2122 said above is also true. For a guy, if a woman isn’t willing to commit to some phone time with you, she’s just not that interested. Even women born in the late 80s/early 90s who only know the Internet era are willing to talk on the phone, particularly in the early relationship building stage, if they are interested.
Some rules of dating have changed as technology has changed though, and that is important to be aware of.0 -
I never call anyone, I just don't like talking on the phone. Texting is just easier for chit chat, but I'll call if there's something specific I want to talk about. I just hate when people call me and don't have anything to say.
I totally agree that I dislike it when people that call you and have nothing to talk about.0 -
I can't speak for all men, but I would say that I am not at all intimidated by independent women. A woman with a good income impresses me.
However, the thing that I think many men would be guarded about with an independent woman is wondering whether she's really wanting a relationship. There are independent women out there who say that they want a man in their lives, but many of their actions send a different message, a message contrary to this. Many men realize this, particular older men who've seen more.
It seems like the OP is making dating a priority, which is good. Independence may not be the source of frustration.
This is great advice! Thanks for your help!0 -
Agree with all of the above other then in 2012 I would say that texting/email has become an accepted norm for life,business,friendship and relationship so best not to be overly judgmental on that issue...we are not going back to 1980.
Having said that it has been my experience that when it comes to online meeting people a lady regards a phone call as being some sort of a "next step" to a relationship rather then casual communication.
In other words they are cool with texts and emails but actual personal,vocal communication is more then casual getting to know a person.0 -
Agree with all of the above other then in 2012 I would say that texting/email has become an accepted norm for life,business,friendship and relationship so best not to be overly judgmental on that issue...we are not going back to 1980.
Having said that it has been my experience that when it comes to online meeting people a lady regards a phone call as being some sort of a "next step" to a relationship rather then casual communication.
In other words they are cool with texts and emails but actual personal,vocal communication is more then casual getting to know a person.
LOL I have had a few bad experiences with texting, especially because of auto correct and not reading back what I have written. So when I want to get my point across I would much rather talk on the phone. With texting you can't read their mood, or tone and that is very important when you are builing a relationship.0 -
Agree with all of the above other then in 2012 I would say that texting/email has become an accepted norm for life,business,friendship and relationship so best not to be overly judgmental on that issue...we are not going back to 1980.
Having said that it has been my experience that when it comes to online meeting people a lady regards a phone call as being some sort of a "next step" to a relationship rather then casual communication.
In other words they are cool with texts and emails but actual personal,vocal communication is more then casual getting to know a person.
LOL I have had a few bad experiences with texting, especially because of auto correct and not reading back what I have written. So when I want to get my point across I would much rather talk on the phone. With texting you can't read their mood, or tone and that is very important when you are builing a relationship.
No doubt and real communication at some point is a must.0 -
If there's no magic, there's no magic.
Its not like just trying to find someone you get along with well enough to be able to spend time together. Its about being caught by surprise. Your chances of finding that cant-keep-your-hands-off-each-other, completely-mesmerized, no-dont-leave!!!!!! person are HIGHER if you date more, but just please dont settle.
WHen you find one that takes your breath away, it'll be mutual and you wont worry if you're too independent cause there wont be a doubt in your mind that he adores you.0 -
I don't think guys are turned off my financial independence unless you make enough more money that you expect activities and a lifestyle the guy cannot afford to maintain. No one wants to go broke in the course of building a relationship. Some of your post has me wondering how emotionally independent you are though. Are you really that frustrated that it takes 2-4 hours to return a text? Part of the advantage of a text over an actual call is that you can respond at your convenience while continuing with other activities. Additionally, why are you waiting for him to make a decision about going on a 4th date? Ask him on a date. You've gone out 3 times already and stated that you don't go beyond a first date if you don't see something coming out of it. If you keep waiting on others to do things to make you happy, you're going to be waiting a long time and are very likely to be miserable for most of the wait.
Well, it is frustrating since he doesn't like to call (I call him since I can't stand his texting) and when we are verifying plans it is very frustrating since it is just a short conversation. No, I don't think dinner and drinks is very expensive (I offer to pay too and he won't let me).
Never believe a guy when he says he doesn't like to call. That's code for "I'm not that into you, so if you want to talk to me, you have to call me, and I'll either answer or I won't, depending on my mood and whether or not I'm banging some other chick at that moment."
Granted, most men don't like to talk on the phone for an hour at a time, but if he really likes you, he WANTS to talk to you. Texting is for 12-year-olds and guys who are trying to manage multiple women at once.
If I were you, I would stop calling AND texting these guys who won't call you. You're only prolonging the inevitable. I'm not saying you can never call a guy you're seeing. What I'm saying is that if HE never calls YOU, there's a reason for it, and it's not simply that he doesn't like to call.
OH when I saw this I was like (ALL CAPS IN MY HEAD) YOU'RE NUTS, I hate talking on the phone, with a passion. The kind of passion that makes you despise a certain smell or feeling that lingers on painfully. Like a really bad perfume that seems to absorb itself into your nasal passages so deep you cut your nose hairs and when that doesnt work you wonder if they make a nasal scraper like those gag-able tongue scrappers the halitosis people need.
Wait, where was I. Oh yeah. She's right.
As someone that cringes when I hear certain ring tones, I still want to talk to a girl I like. And even though I'm like 4 - 12 yr olds in age, I'm a texting fiend, but not necessarily for the reasons she mentioned.
Also, I had a woman once tell me I was "too accessible" and she never had a chance to "miss me". This confounded me since I've been in the collaboration technology business for many years. It just goes against my nature not to reach out or respond even when I feel that acid reflux volcano bubble up to the top of my stomach as my finger moves to hit send in slow motion.
Now that I think about it, I don't think I'm an especially good dater actually. I move too fast, expect too much too quickly, and burn through things like a pile of phosphorus. Just a really bright and violent flash that dissipates rapidly.
what the hell am I doing trying to help.
I'm outta here.0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
It's not about having "rules" that a man needs to live by. I'm the last woman in the world who is going to tell a grown man to do X, Y, or Z. But I do take my cues about how a man feels about me from his actions. And if he never wants to pick up the phone and hear my voice because it's "easier" to text ... he can't be all that interested in me.0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
It's not about having "rules" that a man needs to live by. I'm the last woman in the world who is going to tell a grown man to do X, Y, or Z. But I do take my cues about how a man feels about me from his actions. And if he never wants to pick up the phone and hear my voice because it's "easier" to text ... he can't be all that interested in me.
So many restrictions.
First off, who uses blackberry outside Canada these days?
actions do speak louder ESP when the tv is on mute. I'm personally the type that waits, nay, pushes a woman to go first in front of me at all times. I open most doors and carry all the heavy stuff too. And I always pay the tab Don't believe me? Ask Becky 3) I'd be happy to send you a voice memo if you want to hear my voice. I usually lay it down with some background music to accentuate the mood or just the sound of the shower. Isn't that the same?
Kidding. People have their own thing. For instance, a billion points of contact is not welcome if things aren't going well. Each message just becomes a "ugh" then a " Ooof" then a "wtf. Seriously!"
So ms jq2121222111221212. What if you wanted to send a quick HI?! Do you call and when he doesn't answer you get peeved because "I know you have caller I'd and even if you don't I know my number is saved in your phone because I put it there and I even put my pic in there with the green shirt that I know you love so betta answer. I'll just call back " two snaps in the air.0 -
Depends on why I'm calling him. I always leave a message. If I'm calling about something specific, I'll mention it so that he knows whether or not he needs to get back to me right away (for instance, if I'm trying to get tickets to a show and I want to know if he'd like to go). If I'm just calling to say hi, I'd probably say "Just calling to see how you're doing. Sorry I missed you, but maybe I'll catch you next time." He can call me or not call me at his discretion.
I am not the psycho chick who calls a guy 5 times a day to check in, nor do I get mad at him for not returning my call immediately. If it's a guy I'm just dating and not actually in a relationship with, I don't even expect him to return my call within 24 hours unless, as I said before, it was about something specific that needed a timely response.
I'm a busy person, and I know other people are busy. But I'm not too busy to talk to someone I like. That's my point.0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
I like your point of view. I feel the same way about texting now. I'm a little bit more lenient in my point of view on emails and Facebook messages, simply because those forms allow for more long form writing.
If someone is only accessible by text based communication, that's a bad sign. I can manage some of my friendships with my guy friends on text msg and Facebook, but that's not appropriate in a dating relationship.0
