Independent Women
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I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
I like your point of view. I feel the same way about texting now. I'm a little bit more lenient in my point of view on emails and Facebook messages, simply because those forms allow for more long form writing.
If someone is only accessible by text based communication, that's a bad sign. I can manage some of my friendships with my guy friends on text msg and Facebook, but that's not appropriate in a dating relationship.
I suppose sex text (or sext) is out then!! :laugh:
tbh I've never met a man that only communicates through text. Men usually phone. But I do love a man that can express himself in text. Something about the written word, the spontaneity, the thought............Mmmmm :bigsmile:
Hey DM, love the new pic! Nice and smiley :flowerforyou:0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
I like your point of view. I feel the same way about texting now. I'm a little bit more lenient in my point of view on emails and Facebook messages, simply because those forms allow for more long form writing.
If someone is only accessible by text based communication, that's a bad sign. I can manage some of my friendships with my guy friends on text msg and Facebook, but that's not appropriate in a dating relationship.
I suppose sex text (or sext) is out then!! :laugh:
tbh I've never met a man that only communicates through text. Men usually phone. But I do love a man that can express himself in text. Something about the written word, the spontaneity, the thought............Mmmmm :bigsmile:
Hey DM, love the new pic! Nice and smiley :flowerforyou:
Thanks Anna.
Texting has a purpose, but it is a rather limited purpose. I think it is better used in terms of relational maintenance rather than relational development, and also can work well for simple exchanges, and in crowded, noisy environments.
The written word is a good thing. But I like longer form written word formats than the text message.
But this is really all tangential to the OP and the subject of whether independent women are off putting.0 -
That's the main problem I have with calling people, nobody ever answers their phone! People are busy these days, I know I am. I end up playing phone tag with people for days, it's annoying. And I don't really like voicemails either. Everybody has caller ID these days, I don't feel like I need to leave a voicemail just to let someone know that I called, they already know I called. And if somebody actually has something quick to say it's just easier to read over text.Depends on why I'm calling him. I always leave a message. If I'm calling about something specific, I'll mention it so that he knows whether or not he needs to get back to me right away (for instance, if I'm trying to get tickets to a show and I want to know if he'd like to go). If I'm just calling to say hi, I'd probably say "Just calling to see how you're doing. Sorry I missed you, but maybe I'll catch you next time." He can call me or not call me at his discretion.
I am not the psycho chick who calls a guy 5 times a day to check in, nor do I get mad at him for not returning my call immediately. If it's a guy I'm just dating and not actually in a relationship with, I don't even expect him to return my call within 24 hours unless, as I said before, it was about something specific that needed a timely response.
I'm a busy person, and I know other people are busy. But I'm not too busy to talk to someone I like. That's my point.
At least with texting I can flirt with someone I like most of the day while I'm at work. I work in close proximity to other people, I don't like taking personal calls at work unless they're important. Most days I work for like 10 hours, walk the dog, work out, cook dinner, maybe go out, and at the end of the day I don't feel much like talking to anyone, I just want to chill.
Oh yeah, I'm also a little hard of hearing, I have a difficult time understanding people over the phone most of the time. Even if I turn the volume up it just sounds distorted. Other people have this problem too, because we spend half the conversation saying "what...what...what..."
If I haven't seen someone in a while it's nice to talk to them though. The girl I'm seeing did call me yesterday and we chatted for a while. We even set up a date for tonight that would have been much more difficult to do over text, so I guess it's good sometimes.0 -
OH when I saw this I was like (ALL CAPS IN MY HEAD) YOU'RE NUTS, I hate talking on the phone, with a passion. The kind of passion that makes you despise a certain smell or feeling that lingers on painfully. Like a really bad perfume that seems to absorb itself into your nasal passages so deep you cut your nose hairs and when that doesnt work you wonder if they make a nasal scraper like those gag-able tongue scrappers the halitosis people need.
Wait, where was I. Oh yeah. She's right.
I absolutely despise the phone as well. Primarily due to if there is any sort of background noise, like music or other conversations or the TV I can have a hard time making out what the person is saying and I hate saying "What?" or "Repeat that please" every 30 seconds in a phone conversation.
And I think the phone is just as impersonal as text or email.
That said, if I do like a girl I'll call provided I have something to discuss.0 -
I'm new to this group but I will say this has hit a nerve. I am a very independent person and I don't feel like I should make a guy feel needed simply because I would much rather have someone want me instead of need me. Does that make sense?
Anyway, this last part about texting and talking on the phone has made me think. This guy I dated briefly years ago called me a couple weeks ago. I HATE talking on the phone but it struck me as so odd simply because I'm so used to texting. When I saw his name on my caller I.D. I even thought, "why in the heck is he calling instead of texting me?". Anyway, I spoke to him for about 15 minutes and we briefly caught up. Then he asked me on a date. I haven't been able to get this guy off my mind since then. The point is I honestly think if we would have started the conversation via text, I would have forgotten he existed 5 minutes after the conversation ended. Just MO.
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One reason I hate text conversations (not texting itself, but trying to have an actual conversation) is that you are pretty much at the mercy of the other person. I have a friend who hates talking on the phone, so whenever he wants to talk to me, he texts me ... and keeps texting me for an hour at a time. It drives me freaking nuts. If he would just pick up the phone, the whole conversation could be over and done in 5 to 10 minutes, but instead I have to keep checking my messages and keep responding until he's done talking, or else he'll think I'm ignoring him and get all pissy about it.
Also, I don't understand not having anything to say. I completely agree that it's annoying to get a phone call from someone who doesn't have anything at all to talk about. I am no more a fan of spending an hour on the phone just shooting the breeze than any of the rest of you. But if you don't have something to say to a person you are interested in, that's not a good sign. I have never had trouble holding an interesting, meaningful conversation with a man I liked.
I understand if you're in a relationship with someone, maybe you live together or otherwise see each other every day, then perhaps you really don't have a reason to talk on the phone much. But in the early stages of dating when you don't live together and you don't see each other every day, I think a phone call shows more interest than a text message.0 -
One reason I hate text conversations (not texting itself, but trying to have an actual conversation) is that you are pretty much at the mercy of the other person. I have a friend who hates talking on the phone, so whenever he wants to talk to me, he texts me ... and keeps texting me for an hour at a time. It drives me freaking nuts. If he would just pick up the phone, the whole conversation could be over and done in 5 to 10 minutes, but instead I have to keep checking my messages and keep responding until he's done talking, or else he'll think I'm ignoring him and get all pissy about it.
Also, I don't understand not having anything to say. I completely agree that it's annoying to get a phone call from someone who doesn't have anything at all to talk about. I am no more a fan of spending an hour on the phone just shooting the breeze than any of the rest of you. But if you don't have something to say to a person you are interested in, that's not a good sign. I have never had trouble holding an interesting, meaningful conversation with a man I liked.
I understand if you're in a relationship with someone, maybe you live together or otherwise see each other every day, then perhaps you really don't have a reason to talk on the phone much. But in the early stages of dating when you don't live together and you don't see each other every day, I think a phone call shows more interest than a text message.
^This. Could not have made the points better myself!0 -
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"I agree with this!!! I just want to add that I think independent women give off this impression that the don't NEED a man. I think every man wants to feel like they are needed. If it isn't financially, then it could be to open the pickle jar. I just know that if you want to EVER have a working relationship with a man, they need to feel important and needed in your life. If you don't do that, and don't make them a big priority, then I would have to say that independence is a turn off. I am independent, but I always make sure to let the guy I'm with know that I want him and need him in my life."
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I think we all need to feel important to the person we love...Not so much that you need a man there, but make him know you WANT him to be in your life!0 -
Are guys in their 20s/30s threatened by independent women? I'm 26, have an awesome job, make a decent income and own a house.
As a guy in his late 20's with his own good job, decent income, and own house, there is something slightly threatening about that. Granted I've never had the opportunity to date someone as independent as yourself, but the thought has crossed my mind of how I would react if I did.
Some of it is subconscious outdated bs like wanting to be the bread winner or wondering what would happen if we ever decided to start a family. I don't think that I care about that stuff, yet somehow my mind still goes there.
Some of it is more tangible in my mind, such as the fact that I love my house and even though it's not perfect, I plan on living there for a while. I'm sure the girl would feel the same about hers, so if things get serious, who has to move/sell? Sure it's easy to "cross that bridge when we come to it", but I just don't think that way.
On the other hand, you could just be meeting *kitten* and getting lucky none of them are interested. You have too much to offer to even consider settling for someone who doesn't want you the way you are.0 -
It is too dangerous to create these huge generalities....sorry.
If the guys you meet are intimidated by you, then do you really want to go out with them anyhow? There are lots of guys who are very comfortable with who they are and who you are. The challenge is finding the right match!
Oh, and on texting....I am a little older but for the life of me I can't understand how a series of texts equates to a conversation. At least in an email some feelings can be conveyed but texting???
Sheesh I sound like a b....! lol!0 -
Are guys in their 20s/30s threatened by independent women? I'm 26, have an awesome job, make a decent income and own a house.
As a guy in his late 20's with his own good job, decent income, and own house, there is something slightly threatening about that. Granted I've never had the opportunity to date someone as independent as yourself, but the thought has crossed my mind of how I would react if I did.
Some of it is subconscious outdated bs like wanting to be the bread winner or wondering what would happen if we ever decided to start a family. I don't think that I care about that stuff, yet somehow my mind still goes there.
Some of it is more tangible in my mind, such as the fact that I love my house and even though it's not perfect, I plan on living there for a while. I'm sure the girl would feel the same about hers, so if things get serious, who has to move/sell? Sure it's easy to "cross that bridge when we come to it", but I just don't think that way.
On the other hand, you could just be meeting *kitten* and getting lucky none of them are interested. You have too much to offer to even consider settling for someone who doesn't want you the way you are.
I am independent because I want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet before getting into a relationship and be able to maintain that if I got out of one. I grew up with learning how to cook and clean and since I bought my house a year ago- I mowed the grass for the first time. I want to be able to do things myself and I love learning but I also know when I need help. I don't care about being a breadwinner and I don't know why me being independent would effect starting a family unless you would want the women to be a SAHM- then it wouldn't work because I don't think I would ever be happy in that situation. I have career goals of my own.
If I got into a serious relationship where we would move in together, I would determine at that time where I would want to live. I probably won't sell my house unless I got married but if I were to move in with him, I would rent it out.
I am not the easiest in a relationship, since I demand a lot out of myself (respect, hard-work, and determination) and I expect the same for my partner. But with that, I am the most loyal, respectful, and honest partner. I am having the hardest time finding that out of a guy, but I don't care to settle.
I probably should have been more general, but oh well.0 -
Oh, and on texting....I am a little older but for the life of me I can't understand how a series of texts equates to a conversation. At least in an email some feelings can be conveyed but texting???
Sheesh I sound like a b....! lol!
Texting is more for short answers, I hate conversations via text and would prefer phone calls. But how about this from the guy I was seeing- texted him to see if he wanted to hang out this week and it took him 24 hours to text me back "Yeah" Nevertheless, I don't care to see him anymore since it took him 24 hours to just say that especially since when we hang out his phone is on him the whole time and he checks every time it rings.0 -
Can't remember if I replied to this thread and I'm too lazy to look.
Independent women rock. They are exactly what I am looking for. The only thing I ask is not to be emotionally independent, not in the sense that I have to coach you on every life decision, but rather be caring and thoughtful.0 -
If the guys you meet are intimidated by you, then do you really want to go out with them anyhow? There are lots of guys who are very comfortable with who they are and who you are.
That's the rub of it.. .no, there doesn't appear to be "lots of guys" who are very comfortable with who a professional woman is. You wouldn't believe how many dates me and my high-earning girlfriend have had that came to a noticeable halt when he found out what we do for a living. Dude, I was the same girl you were laughing with two minutes ago. What's the problem?
So some women are having to choose between holding out for one that can handle her profession (rare, so that means many lonely nights) or hiding it from him (via downplaying generalities about what she does for a living which means hiding a very important part of yourself but at the same time more filled Saturday nights).0 -
If it takes him that long to hunt and peck on a key pad I hate to think foreplay! LOL!
Oh, and on texting....I am a little older but for the life of me I can't understand how a series of texts equates to a conversation. At least in an email some feelings can be conveyed but texting???
Sheesh I sound like a b....! lol!
Texting is more for short answers, I hate conversations via text and would prefer phone calls. But how about this from the guy I was seeing- texted him to see if he wanted to hang out this week and it took him 24 hours to text me back "Yeah" Nevertheless, I don't care to see him anymore since it took him 24 hours to just say that especially since when we hang out his phone is on him the whole time and he checks every time it rings.0 -
If it takes him that long to hunt and peck on a key pad I hate to think foreplay! LOL!
Oh, and on texting....I am a little older but for the life of me I can't understand how a series of texts equates to a conversation. At least in an email some feelings can be conveyed but texting???
Sheesh I sound like a b....! lol!
Texting is more for short answers, I hate conversations via text and would prefer phone calls. But how about this from the guy I was seeing- texted him to see if he wanted to hang out this week and it took him 24 hours to text me back "Yeah" Nevertheless, I don't care to see him anymore since it took him 24 hours to just say that especially since when we hang out his phone is on him the whole time and he checks every time it rings.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
If the guys you meet are intimidated by you, then do you really want to go out with them anyhow? There are lots of guys who are very comfortable with who they are and who you are.
That's the rub of it.. .no, there doesn't appear to be "lots of guys" who are very comfortable with who a professional woman is. You wouldn't believe how many dates me and my high-earning girlfriend have had that came to a noticeable halt when he found out what we do for a living. Dude, I was the same girl you were laughing with two minutes ago. What's the problem?
So some women are having to choose between holding out for one that can handle her profession (rare, so that means many lonely nights) or hiding it from him (via downplaying generalities about what she does for a living which means hiding a very important part of yourself but at the same time more filled Saturday nights).
There will always be exceptions to everything but if all the guys you run across are like this then it is time to start searching other pastures.
I simply,as a guy,can not fathom having that kind of feeling or reaction to a ladys earnings.0 -
I simply,as a guy,can not fathom having that kind of feeling or reaction to a ladys earnings.
that's great.
I kinda prefer the guys who have no clue how much different ranks make in the military. Mr. Starbucks and I were hanging out today talking about my rank and he didn't know what it meant. He'll be surprised, I'm sure, to find out I make 2x what he does. If we ever get that close.0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
It's not about having "rules" that a man needs to live by. I'm the last woman in the world who is going to tell a grown man to do X, Y, or Z. But I do take my cues about how a man feels about me from his actions. And if he never wants to pick up the phone and hear my voice because it's "easier" to text ... he can't be all that interested in me.
As a man, I want my lady to experience my feelings in many ways (physical, of course; mental, verbal, visual and via text/email). New media hasn't diminished the importance of the first four, it has just added another dimension.
Now, if they are only communicating on one dimension, then yes, you have a problem.0 -
I refuse to have a conversation with a man I'm dating via text message, and I don't care what year it is. Texts and e-mails are not the same thing as realtime, unedited conversation with an actual human being. I realize this limits my dating pool, but I'd rather be single than date a guy who thinks he's going to manage me with his BlackBerry like I'm any other random chick on his contacts list.
It's not about having "rules" that a man needs to live by. I'm the last woman in the world who is going to tell a grown man to do X, Y, or Z. But I do take my cues about how a man feels about me from his actions. And if he never wants to pick up the phone and hear my voice because it's "easier" to text ... he can't be all that interested in me.
As a man, I want my lady to experience my feelings in many ways (physical, of course; mental, verbal, visual and via text/email). New media hasn't diminished the importance of the first four, it has just added another dimension.
Now, if they are only communicating on one dimension, then yes, you have a problem.
I'm okay with the random, naughty text in the middle of the day. I'm guilty of that one myself. I just will not sit there for an hour texting back and forth on the very same device a guy could actually call me on. That's BS.
I was seeing a guy long-distance recently, and he thought it was cool to just keep in touch with me via BlackBerry Messenger. He called me maybe once a week, never e-mailed me, and we only saw each other every other weekend or so because of the distance. I grew very impatient with him and called his bluff. Found out he was bluffing, and that was the end of that.0 -
Come to think of it, if a woman was around my age, single, and NOT independent I'd think there was something seriously wrong with her. I mean, If they're in their 30's, live with their parents, and can't cook or do their own laundry then they should probably get their life together before they think about dating.
I don't care how much money someone makes. If she likes what she does and/or has some sort of plan, that's perfect. If she makes more than me, great as long as she doesn't expect me to be a stay at home dad.0 -
I am independent because I want to be able to stand on my own 2 feet before getting into a relationship and be able to maintain that if I got out of one. I grew up with learning how to cook and clean and since I bought my house a year ago- I mowed the grass for the first time. I want to be able to do things myself and I love learning but I also know when I need help. I don't care about being a breadwinner and I don't know why me being independent would effect starting a family unless you would want the women to be a SAHM- then it wouldn't work because I don't think I would ever be happy in that situation. I have career goals of my own.
If I got into a serious relationship where we would move in together, I would determine at that time where I would want to live. I probably won't sell my house unless I got married but if I were to move in with him, I would rent it out.
I am not the easiest in a relationship, since I demand a lot out of myself (respect, hard-work, and determination) and I expect the same for my partner. But with that, I am the most loyal, respectful, and honest partner. I am having the hardest time finding that out of a guy, but I don't care to settle.
I probably should have been more general, but oh well.
I'm not saying I like or even totally agree with the thoughts that I have. I really wish I didn't have them, but I do and just wanted to give you my honest opinion. A lot of it probably has to do with my own lack of self confidence. I believe if I met the right girl, none of it would matter.Come to think of it, if a woman was around my age, single, and NOT independent I'd think there was something seriously wrong with her. I mean, If they're in their 30's, live with their parents, and can't cook or do their own laundry then they should probably get their life together before they think about dating.
I agree with this too.
I guess I'm saying I want someone who's independent, but not better off than I am haha.0
