Why is it up to the guy?
MyTime1985
Posts: 456 Member
Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way and I don't mean to offend anyone but it seems like a lot of the posts for dating advice I've seen in the last 6 months or so are due to the woman not understanding what is happening. I get that communication is key and the best person to discuss your relationship with is the person you're in the relationship with, but who decided it's up to men to say when it becomes a relationship? He decides if this is FWB or on the path to "girlfriend" or marriage!? Are you kidding me? Why aren't women speaking up and saying exactly what they want instead of sitting and playing guessing games? Most women will agree that within 20 minutes or so you can tell if you would sleep with a guy. You can't tell me women need to date or sleep with him 10 times before they're sure if they want a casual relationship or a serious one. Why aren't women speaking up? Men, do you want women to speak up or continue letting you lead all the time? ***I realize this doesn't apply to all women***
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Probably because we don't need to constantly overthink everything and don't need constant reassurance that people like us.0
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but who decided it's up to men to say when it becomes a relationship? He decides if this is FWB or on the path to "girlfriend" or marriage!? Are you kidding me? Why aren't women speaking up and saying exactly what they want instead of sitting and playing guessing games?
At least in the context of this forum, it probably has alot to do with the fact it's female dominated so you're most often getting the female opinion of how they see it. And as it has to be an agreement between both, the post makes it seem like it's up to the guy because you already know what the woman wants from her post.0 -
Probably because we don't need to constantly overthink everything and don't need constant reassurance that people like us.
I'm assuming you mean men? So, you think this comes down to a security or self-esteem issue among women? Just trying to understand what you mean.0 -
At least in the context of this forum, it probably has alot to do with the fact it's female dominated so you're most often getting the female opinion of how they see it. And as it has to be an agreement between both, the post makes it seem like it's up to the guy because you already know what the woman wants from her post.
It's not just here though. It's women in general. It's women I know, friends of friends, here, FB, everywhere. Would you want a woman to be straight forward and tell you exactly what she's looking for or sit and wait for you to come to her?0 -
I don't think it is up to the guy. Being in an exclusive relationship or getting married is always a mutual decision, but someone has to initiate the conversation about it. Many women wait for the man to initiate it because they're afraid if they ask about exclusivity/marriage too soon, he'll run away.
I think that's a pointless way of looking at it. Either he wants it, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, asking again in a month isn't likely to bring a different answer. But it's a self-esteem issue for most women. They're willing to settle for just being one of a number of women a guy is seeing, just to keep him around. Still other women are calculated about it. We are frequently taught that it's a bad idea to be the first to mention a relationship, the first to say "I love you," the first to bring up marriage, etc., because men are notorious for being unwilling to let go of their "freedom." Thus, if you wait until he asks, then it's his idea, and he's doing it willingly.0 -
The most common reasoning appears to be that the lady wants to feel (womans lib be damned) secure and protected by a guy so he has to take the lead.
I suspect that is mostly the truth but also think a large part of it is an unwillingness to surrender the position of power where it is she that can at any moment accept or reject the possibility of a relationship.
I have noticed over the years that many if not most women view a relationship as to what it is to them and consider the guy as a provider of that.
It is not often I sense she considers herself as having a responsibility in getting the thing under way or making it work.
Flame away,just saying what I have observed.0 -
I don't think it's the man's decision, but I do agree with roadie1015 that women over-analyze, especially in the very beginning. I'm a confident women in other aspects of my life, but I have no idea how to read men in the dating world. Truthfully, I feel like a teenager again trying to figure out all the signals and communication issues...0
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I think most women are afraid to hear that the man is not looking for the same thing. So, they avoid the conversation
I also think it comes down to maturity. Now I put it right out there as to what I am looking for, a few years ago I didn't. If he is not looking for the same thing as me then move on. I don't want to play games and don't expect a man to read my mind. I put it all out there.
If a man is really into you, he is going to let it be known and he isn't going to avoid the conversation.0 -
Telling someone you have thought about it and would like to move forward with a relationship isn't going to change the person's feelings. If they weren't into initially they aren't going to suddenly jump at the chance for relationship status simply because you broached the subject. They're going to say no. Same if they were wanting to move forward and you broach the subject. It's most likely not going to change the person's feelings and have them say "no thanks, I was all for it but then you asked". I just think some women need to "man-up" if you will. :happy: Just like weight loss, you can't complain about a situation you're in if you aren't going to do anything about it.0
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I think most women are afraid to hear that the man is not looking for the same thing. So, they avoid the conversation
I also think it comes down to maturity. Now I put it right out there as to what I am looking for, a few years ago I didn't. If he is not looking for the same thing as me then move on. I don't want to play games and don't expect a man to read my mind. I put it all out there.
If a man is really into you, he is going to let it be known and he isn't going to avoid the conversation.
Exactly! We should all be this way.0 -
I don't think I allowed you to post, woman.
(crickets)
:indifferent:
Errrmm... Apart from this excellent joke, I agree with you so wholeheartedly that I don't really care anymore about what women think (I really don't have time to figure it out and play these stupid guess games) and I now "help myself" with women (by what I mean: I don't ask for their opinion), whenever I see fit, how I see fit. Amazingly, it works (for me at least).
(I understand you were perhaps talking more about the relationship side of things whereas I'm talking more about dating perhaps)
Talking about relationships, I think a reason might be that men are probably more afraid of commitment and it's actually admittedly a touchy subject that can make a man snap between your fingers (for a variety of physiological reasons in fact).
And I think time can "trap a man in a relationship" (because we are lazy), so it might be worth waiting for the man to send signals - but might lead to problems too since it is not the healthiest type of relationships.0 -
Sorry! I'm not really the type to ask for permission. :smokin:
You're right in saying it's a touchy subject for men but why would any woman want to be with a guy she has to "trap" into a relationship? Why would any woman want to be with a guy that doesn't have the balls to step up and have a normal conversation? I wouldn't. I'm over the games too. Yeah us! :happy:0 -
I think women move faster than men. Especially in their minds. We know pretty much what we want within a few dates with this guy. And we always want a relationship!! (yeah I know, exceptions to the rule, times when we dont, but in general....)
Whereas men move quicker with their bodies, which is why the woman usually takes the lead with when the sex starts! He is ready right from the moment he saw you to have sex, but not to have a relationship. So it basically works the other way round for us.
Relationship wise a man is quite happy to take things slow and see how thing progress. No rush to lose his freedom, get tied down or give up his routine to incorporate a woman. BUT still wants to have a woman on his arm, in his bed, on his mind. I think men and women have different priorities in this respect.
Sooo, I think women have to analyze the man's behaviour (slow pace) to the nth degree because they leave us unsure whereas, even thought we are unsure, we are already planning what to buy him for xmas!!! :laugh: While he's trying to figure out how to explain he's going to the game with his mates this Saturday!! :laugh:
Women therefore have to reign themselves in for fear of going too quick and scaring him off! So they wait to be asked, usually.
Obviously there are men that work quick! And fall in love quicker than a woman. And that can be scary to the woman too!! So, it can go both ways. But its all about pace and timing.
But if I felt frustrated and unsure and had no clue what was going on, then I'd ask him anyhow. Which is pretty much always my advice to the ladies on here. As he is the only person that knows where he's at :flowerforyou:0 -
Why? I'd assume because you*'re in love and you can't even imagine your life without the other person... So you think that you know what's good for this person, you think he will realize how much you're worth in the end - and you can only breathe when this person is near you, so you can't just take the necessary steps i.e. split with the person (which pretty much means dying to you).You're right in saying it's a touchy subject for men but why would any woman want to be with a guy she has to "trap" into a relationship? Why would any woman want to be with a guy that doesn't have the balls to step up and have a normal conversation? I wouldn't. I'm over the games too. Yeah us! :happy:
We like to suffer, it makes us feel alive. It's the emotional roller-coaster!
*you = hypothetical person0 -
Speaking from personal experience, most the the time the woman usually asks me if we are in a relationship/exclusive, so therefore it becomes my decision. Then I say it is open for discussion and ask her what she wants. Most of the time she says she doesn't care, she just wants to know. So you tell me, why does the woman always ask if they say it doesn't really matter?
I'm assuming you mean men? So, you think this comes down to a security or self-esteem issue among women? Just trying to understand what you mean.Probably because we don't need to constantly overthink everything and don't need constant reassurance that people like us.
I, for one, don't feel like I need to have "the talk" with someone in order to determine if it's okay to mess around with someone else. If I really like someone and have been seeing them for a while, I just don't. If they want to know because it's just easier to refer to each other to other people as bf/gf, than whatever, that's fine with me. Or if it makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside to say they are in a relationship, fine with me, but it doesn't really change anything.
So why is it up to the guy? Probably for the same reasons the guy usually has to be the one to approach women in the first place, we are the ones who have to propose, etc. And women have to do the whole child birth thing, it's just sort of understood.0 -
True. I got dumped because I said "I love you!" to a girl.Obviously there are men that work quick! And fall in love quicker than a woman. And that can be scary to the woman too!! So, it can go both ways. But its all about pace and timing.
The next girl I'm with is gonna pay for this! :mad: :devil:
(just kidding about punishing my next gurl!)0 -
ok here is how it is in my case. My FWB and I have been going at it for like 4 months. I'm pretty happy with the way things are but I wouldn't be adverse to dating him. However I have no earthly clue how he feels about it all even though I have to practically crowbar him away from me sometimes. The reason I'm waiting for him to bring up the conversation (if it even happens) is cause the last relationship I initiated and it ended badly. Plus if a man cannot express some kind of emotion to me really I dont want it.
However I have already decided that if there is no progression by the end of may I'm moving on. I dont like to keep a FWB to long things can get cloudy for both parties0 -
Because, generally speaking, the woman immediately creates a "relationship" in her mind whereas the guy takes her companionship/intimacy/etc at face value.
If she cooks for him, runs errands for him, sleeps with him and didn’t require that he first call her his girlfriend, no need for him to do so. They are just “friends.” With (some) benefits. But in her mind, accepting someone doing all that for her means they’re “in a relationship.”
So that’s why, when people ask me what I think they are, I tell them that unless the man has said they are exclusive or gf/by then they are just friends, possibly friends heading toward a relationship.0 -
If she cooks for him, runs errands for him, sleeps with him and didn’t require that he first call her his girlfriend, no need for him to do so.
If only more women understood this, it might make things easier for the rest of us.0 -
If she cooks for him, runs errands for him, sleeps with him and didn’t require that he first call her his girlfriend, no need for him to do so.
If only more women understood this, it might make things easier for the rest of us.
ok so disclaimer here ... I have never cooked for one of my FWB or ran his errands... The most that happens is we hang out or go out and then have sex. They usually get to sleep over though lol0 -
ok so disclaimer here ... I have never cooked for one of my FWB or ran his errands... The most that happens is we hang out or go out and then have sex. They usually get to sleep over though lol
Not saying all 3 at once... just giving examples of things women do that make them think they are in a relationship with a guy.
But I've been guilty of cooking/cleaning for a friend because we spent so much time together, and he did so much for me, that I thought we were in "a relationship." But he was just a really nice guy.
I have found that guys who are stringing me along never discuss it. Guys who REALLY want me to themselves say something to that effect.0 -
I think because the label means more to women then men. with FWB it is usually established pretty early that one of the people is not interested in going further. With a relationship I find it's usually the women asking so I guess maybe that is why the guy gets to make the decision... he's being asked.0
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with FWB it is usually established pretty early that one of the people is not interested in going further.
I've never done FWB so forgive me if I'm off base here, but, though I know there are ladies on this board who choose FWBs, I thought the typical FWB scenario is the woman thinks they are in a relationship and later discovers he only sees her as a booty call/FWB.0 -
You all get me confused...in other discussions ladies have said that they consider eventually after 3 dates or so that cooking a meal for a guy was there participation in the dating/relationship development and that it could take a couple of months to figure out.
Now it is conditional of a guy making some sort of commitment that they are a boyfriend?0 -
with FWB it is usually established pretty early that one of the people is not interested in going further.
I've never done FWB so forgive me if I'm off base here, but, though I know there are ladies on this board who choose FWBs, I thought the typical FWB scenario is the woman thinks they are in a relationship and later discovers he only sees her as a booty call/FWB.
That isn't how my FWB situation started. We were not good together in a relationship, and that was mutually decided which is why it probably works for us. We have been doing this for off and on for 6 years now. We have both been in relationships since and the other backs off with no issues. If he got into a serious relationship I would be happy for him as I have in the past, and vice versa. I admit that our situation is unique, but I just wanted to clarify that each situation is different. Also, I don't see him when I am dating...I just don't think its right. So, I don't "choose" FWB over a relationship, but the option is there when other things are lacking in our lives...0 -
I will make dinner for a guy as an actual date at MY place. And after the third date is probably a good time for it.
But if he's not my boyfriend, I am not going over to his place on a random weeknight and making dinner for him, nor will I clean up his place or do his laundry or run his errands. I actually get sort of a thrill out of doing stuff like that for a man I'm in a committed relationship with. I want to do things to make his life easier so that when we're together, we can focus more on each other than all the extra crap that needs to be done. But I will not do it for a man who hasn't committed to me.0 -
I will make dinner for a guy as an actual date at MY place. And after the third date is probably a good time for it.
But if he's not my boyfriend, I am not going over to his place on a random weeknight and making dinner for him, nor will I clean up his place or do his laundry or run his errands. I actually get sort of a thrill out of doing stuff like that for a man I'm in a committed relationship with. I want to do things to make his life easier so that when we're together, we can focus more on each other than all the extra crap that needs to be done. But I will not do it for a man who hasn't committed to me.
I agree.0 -
You all get me confused...in other discussions ladies have said that they consider eventually after 3 dates or so that cooking a meal for a guy was there participation in the dating/relationship development and that it could take a couple of months to figure out.
Now it is conditional of a guy making some sort of commitment that they are a boyfriend?
haha, no this wasn't cooking for a date.
This was someone who I cooked for often but we weren't "dating." My son and I were at his place a lot and he was very busy so sometimes I cleaned up. Looking back, I don't think I would have done that kind of thing for him had I not felt like we were heading toward a relationship.0 -
I will make dinner for a guy as an actual date at MY place. And after the third date is probably a good time for it.
But if he's not my boyfriend, I am not going over to his place on a random weeknight and making dinner for him, nor will I clean up his place or do his laundry or run his errands. I actually get sort of a thrill out of doing stuff like that for a man I'm in a committed relationship with. I want to do things to make his life easier so that when we're together, we can focus more on each other than all the extra crap that needs to be done. But I will not do it for a man who hasn't committed to me.
I'm the same way. I love doing these types of things for a man that's committed to me. It gives me that same thrill... not sure why, but I'm just awesome like that.
My boyfriend has done certain "manly" things for me like messing with my car and I can tell he likes that too. He'll jokingly say "aren't you glad you have a man around now?". I love it!! Yeah I'm Miss Cool and Independent but I love the traditional roles to a certain point.0 -
with FWB it is usually established pretty early that one of the people is not interested in going further.
I've never done FWB so forgive me if I'm off base here, but, though I know there are ladies on this board who choose FWBs, I thought the typical FWB scenario is the woman thinks they are in a relationship and later discovers he only sees her as a booty call/FWB.
That isn't how my FWB situation started. We were not good together in a relationship, and that was mutually decided which is why it probably works for us. We have been doing this for off and on for 6 years now. We have both been in relationships since and the other backs off with no issues. If he got into a serious relationship I would be happy for him as I have in the past, and vice versa. I admit that our situation is unique, but I just wanted to clarify that each situation is different. Also, I don't see him when I am dating...I just don't think its right. So, I don't "choose" FWB over a relationship, but the option is there when other things are lacking in our lives...
I guess it depends on the people in the FWB scenario... I made it pretty clear to the last one I had, that I thought she was nice and fun to be around but just didn't get any kind of feeling other than friends, we had already slept together so she threw out FWB and usually dudes don't pass on that. I'd be excited for her if she found someone. However I have had a FWB in the past and though happy she found someone I was pretty sad our arrangement ended. Moral of the story if you don't know what you’re involved in ask!0
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