What does he mean when he says "I'm just testing you"

JanieJack

Just for fun, lets say a guy said to you that he needed to hang out with you for, say, 6 months before he could make any kind of commitment. Would you be cool with that?

I came across this while looking for an old post we did on a guy who didn't want the woman to date around, but he wasn't gonna "go exclusive"

What struck me in reading this response is that my friend's dad runs a dating advice site and his advice to women (which is a huge part of why I don't generally expect guys to WANT to go exclusive after just 3-4 dates is that he says it takes minimum 4-6 months for the lust to wear off and for the man to actually fall in love with you. His advice to women is to restrain the urge to fall head over heels for a guy until that time, and to consider most of what he does for you in the first 2-3 months more a sign of his upbringing, character, and lust than it is genuine love.

I, personally, would be cool with a guy wanting to hang out and get to know me for 6 months before getting a commitment out of him. you guys already know that about me because I've done it a couple times in the time I've been on MFP. What I wouldn't be cool with is him wanting to hang out AND be sexual without a commitment.

kimad

You can call it a game or a test but at the end of the day actions speak louder than words. If a woman is comfortable, the boundaries will move. If she is into you but not to that point, she will say something like not yet, slow down and if she isn't into you she'll freak out and tell you to leave.

I have to agree with this...If I was attracted to a man and he made a move on me - even a kiss - I would accept it or I could say 'not yet'... but I went on 3 dates with a guy and I was SOOO not into him and he came in for a kiss and I blurted out 'please don't kiss me' as I was opening his car door and falling out running...

I have boundaries too that I will enforce, but I agree that you will adjust your boundaries to some extent when you like the person and you feel comfortable.

kimad

The problem with this thread is that the comments that resonate are the ones that confirm people's worst fears, rather than the ones that indicate what they have in common. Single peeps are in danger of casting each other as stereotypes and by so doing, confirming their worst fears.

Very true. I was just reading over the thread and I honestly became really disappointed in some of the comments. It's not an attack against the people who wrote them by any means - what I mean is that I feel like with my values that I have, I'll end up being single forever because I won't put out right away, and if you can get sex somewhere else why would you bother dating me and have to wait for me to feel comfortable with you? It makes me less trustworthy in men, sad to say.

I think I am probably one of the bigger offenders that has you suspicious and pessimistic about men. I'll say that I agree with the most recent comments made by Anna and lorro. There were a few comments by women that bothered me and motivated my somewhat outrageous comment about being sick of the female attitude that sex is a treat so prove your worthiness.

After thinking about it, waiting isn't so much the problem as the way information is provided and processed. For example, you could mean "This is a big thing to me and I want to feel comfortable that I am making a good decision." but easily say something like

Agreed! If you want to sleep with me, which is a hugely intimate act, you will have to prove yourself to me, and I will prove myself to you that I am worthy of your time and affection. It goes both ways!!

In the first example, you own it. You aren't sleeping with him because you are not comfortable. In the second example it is easy to process this as you aren't sleeping with him because he hasn't sufficiently proven his worthiness.

There is no guarantee under either scenario that a guy will stick around but speaking for myself, I would be much more likely to continue seeing the girl who presented her feelings as described in the first example than in the second example. In the latter example, experience has told me that is a bad omen for things to come. It's also difficult if not impossible to respect anyone (man or woman) who you perceive as withholding something seen as valuable or important until his/her demands are met.

I've been guilty of using example two (in so many words) with the last guy I was dating... a lot of that stemmed from being played by a man, which as we said here is a big fear for women... but when I read it here, it sounds terrible.. and I can totally see where example 1 seems a lot more feminine, honest, from her heart.... whereas using the word 'prove' is judging him already.. which I was already judging him becuase I was fearful of being played again....

Helpful!