Their Insecurities Pushed You Away? No bashing please

JanieJack

I'm looking for stories where someone’s insecurities pushed you or a friend away (or when they almost did but worked it out).

I already know this sounds dumb; please don’t bash me for being an irrational, emotional woman.

The reason I’m asking is because one of the guys I’m getting to know is really well built (competitive bodybuilder), and it’s challenging my internal “I’m cute and awesome” belief. The more time I spend around him, the more aware I become of my physical imperfections. I know it’s just me, because if he had a problem with my figure, he wouldn’t be taking me to a bodybuilding show (where his peers will silently judge *him* based on *my* appearance)… and he wouldn’t still be around after two months and a crazy host of social obligations that would make less secure guys think I wasn’t interested.

But I’m scared to death to go out to the pool this weekend. Our personalities seem like a good match, but the fear of rejection when he sees my scars and rolls and cellulite is so overwhelming I’m almost tempted to back out. I rarely have this problem because I tend to date average looking guys and despite my flaws I still make them look good (Yes, I’m vain. Maybe praying for humility is what brought this man into my life… Lol)!

I’m not trolling for someone to say, “you look great, you have nothing to worry about.” I’m really, honestly, looking for stories of how people you know overcame insecurities to have a good relationship or how your previous dates DIDN’T overcome insecurities and pushed you away.

AllanMisner

Have you considered that he's looking at you differently than you do yourself? You've obviously found a man who isn't intimidated by you. Isn't that what you wanted?

Carl01

Best I can tell you is that you are torturing yourself for absolutely zero reason,it is all emotion and not a lick of reality so stop it.

There...problem solved. :smokin:

yoovie

I deal with something similar.

Its been really difficult, but I had to learn how to stop being a muse and start being inspired myself. When someone's awesomeness makes mine feel like its a bit dimmer, I can figure out if this person means something to me, and if they do- then I almost will have mad respect for them as a person. So I admire teh hell out of them. They become my new hero until I feel like my awesomeness can stand on its own, next to theirs. Then when I dont feel that insecurity anymore, (and they CAN tell)m in my head instead of any resentment or fear of rejection because i may be less in some areas as they are- Im thankful to them. They rised me up and didnt even know it.

In the past Ive been so hard on myself, so convinced that I wasnt worth being loved, being respected or ever having anyone look up to me, that I did most of my good by just being a muse- being there, silently doing my own thing, just trying to bring sunshine around people and NEVER go after anything I really wanted except peace and quiet happiness.

So yeah, in the past, my insecurities drove people away from me. Who wanted to be friends with someone that ran from cameras, refused to play outside, came down too hard on herself for everything, wouldnt invest in friendships, only saw the awful things about herself, the not good enough. What a downer!!!!

But I learned how to look up to others instead of looking down on myself. And that changed my life.

La_Amazona

I completly understand hun. And I can feel your fear about the pool situation. I'd feel the same way. Smiley loves the lake and I'm scared thinking about the day he invites me to go swimming.

Obviously your guy likes you.. enough to invite you to the show and show you off. I realized this when Smiley took me around his brothers. I silently acknowledged that he was proud of me, my body, ME ME ME. That makes me smile because obviously he doesn't see what I see.

There's not really anything I can say besides take the time to really acknowledge what he's doing. He LIKES YOU. He SHOWS you off. He is proud of you. Let that make you smile.

Go to the pool thing and work it. Wear a sexy sarong or something if you need it for extra confidence.. if not, just work it!!!!

Steelheart7

Have you considered that he's looking at you differently than you do yourself? You've obviously found a man who isn't intimidated by you. Isn't that what you wanted?

I like this .. and Carl's response.

That being said .. pool .. bathing suit .. with body builder .. uh .. definite reason for panic. lol. But .. you are a very confident woman. Get a cute sun dress to wear over the suit .. or a sarong .. be the confident woman you are and that will be all she wrote. What kind of suit do you have?? He obviously finds you attractive .. he chose you ... not other body builder chicks ..

I do recall reading that the boys on here like confidence so I would think that at some point insecurity might become an issue.

dbrightwell1270

I think telling him he looks so damn hot that you're afraid to be seen in a swimsuit by his side because you don't feel you're sufficient arm/eye candy wouldn't hurt his ego. It would also allow him to know where you stand and gently make light of the situation and put you at ease.

I also recall you discussing how frustrating it was for guys to know your education level and just freak out that you're too smart and not give you a chance because of their insecurities. Other than this being body instead of mind, how is what you are doing any different?

Daisy_Cutter

Carl is right....

Don't dwell on it at all. This guy likes you for you and if you stress about image it will eventually turn him off. That's my opinion.

I dated a guy for about a month and finally ended it because he was so insecure around me. It wasn't worth constantly reassuring him. A few times... ok... all the time... no.

You're pretty.... be comfortable with yourself and let him enjoy being with you!

MyTime1985

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. Show it off.

Jeneba

Bump

Roadie2000

Insecurity is a huge turnoff for me. I'd much rather date someone who was less attractive but confident and secure than someone who was more attractive but insecure. Just roll with it.

JanieJack

What kind of suit do you have?? He obviously finds you attractive .. he chose you ... not other body builder chicks ..

I do recall reading that the boys on here like confidence so I would think that at some point insecurity might become an issue.

I'm pretty sure it's confidence that attracted him initially, but inwardly that confidence erodes bit by bit every time I look at him. And it doesn’t help that in spite of all my working out I have these dumb "booblets" hanging out over the top of every swimsuit I've tried on grrr. Well, they don’t hang out over my “cover everything granny suit with attached skirt” but c’mon that’s the LAST thing I wanna wear at bodybuilder guy’s neighborhood pool.



I wonder if this is what happens with a lot of women when dating. Great guy meets awesome girl... she eventually realizes how great he is, and stops feeling awesome and becomes clingy, searching for constant reassurance that he's really still into her... which then becomes a turnoff for the guy.

JanieJack

Best I can tell you is that you are torturing yourself for absolutely zero reason,it is all emotion and not a lick of reality so stop it.

Short. Sweet. and problem solved. Carl, you're such a man! Love it!

Steelheart7

Wait .. so does that mean you are going to go with the .. bikini????

JanieJack

Wait .. so does that mean you are going to go with the .. bikini????

I've never worn a bikini in my life. haha just the thought makes me laugh.

I suspect mummy tummy would be worse than booblets! lol. Hm, maybe I should show up in my granny suit and tell him I need him to come shopping with me for my first bikini.

NOT!

AnnaPixie

I wouldnt wear a suit I didnt feel comfortable in. I would definitely wear a sarong or summer dress. And if I had to swim, I'd just say I can't or dont want to, cos that sarong wouldnt come off..... :laugh:

TBH, I would have this insecurity if I was with a body builder or a sumo wrestler!

So, I dont think the problem lies with him, or him accepting your insecurity, or you getting over it. Its just you dont want to show your body off. So............what! You can be discrete and subtle and still have a great time :flowerforyou:

JanieJack

I'd just say I can't or dont want to, cos that sarong wouldnt come off..... :laugh:
...
Its just you dont want to show your body off.

I have a sarong, and it will have to come off. I have a 6 year old who absolutely will NOT tolerate mommy not swimming with him.

Funny thing is, last season I was so proud of myself in my hot pink tankini. I was heavier than usual, but I knew I looked good and turned heads. But this year, even though I've lost weight, for some reason I'm bigger (the pink suit is now way too tight for my taste) which is why I bought the granny suit.

I'm just gonna go, hold my head up and pretend I'm a fabulous model or something. Fake it til you make it. And if he never calls again, then he's not the one.

TheKitsune6

Two years ago I drove away the man I loved because I was so insecure and lacking in confidence.

Now I have a lot more love and respect for myself, simply because I take better care of myself. I am aware of my imperfections, I know other people are aware of my imperfections and the best part? I'm OKAY with my imperfections.

You are what you are. He can either take it or leave it

AnnaPixie

I'm just gonna go, hold my head up and pretend I'm a fabulous model or something. Fake it til you make it. And if he never calls again, then he's not the one.

Sorted!! Looks like your inner confidence just came out :flowerforyou: Have the best time. I'm absolutely sure the guy isnt going to judge you anyhow

JanieJack

Other than this being body instead of mind, how is what you are doing any different?

Oh snap! good question.

christine24t

I am glad you posted this because I literally went through something so similar today!
My crush is in my classes, and he was there today. I generally don't speak to him, as we're not on those terms, but boy do I stare. Haha. I just got all depressed because I'm never going to be as cute and petite as the girls that flirt with him, and I'm kind of a fool for even liking him in the first place. So yeah, my insecurities get me down, which I think guys can tell when they're talking to you.

But in your situation he clearly likes you! He's been around for a while, knows you and your son! It's not like there will be any surprises for him!

TheKitsune6

I am glad you posted this because I literally went through something so similar today!
My crush is in my classes, and he was there today. I generally don't speak to him, as we're not on those terms, but boy do I stare. Haha. I just got all depressed because I'm never going to be as cute and petite as the girls that flirt with him, and I'm kind of a fool for even liking him in the first place. So yeah, my insecurities get me down, which I think guys can tell when they're talking to you.

But in your situation he clearly likes you! He's been around for a while, knows you and your son! It's not like there will be any surprises for him!

Talk to him. I dare you.

christine24t

Talk to him. I dare you.

I have before! Just not about anything too special. And I've danced with him at the bar a few times, when we're drunk. It's kinda pathetic but it's better than not talking to him.

_Kitten_Kate

Insecurity is a huge turnoff for me. I'd much rather date someone who was less attractive but confident and secure than someone who was more attractive but insecure. Just roll with it.

Yep... I have heard this a lot.
Men dig confidence.
I've learned that in this life you have to go thru many trials and tests before you become the person you are meant to be. Maybe this is just one of them.
Best wishes to you!

TheKitsune6

Talk to him. I dare you.

I have before! Just not about anything too special. And I've danced with him at the bar a few times, when we're drunk. It's kinda pathetic but it's better than not talking to him.

Follow the spirit of the dare, not the letter of the dare.

I TRIPLE dog dare you. O___________O

JanieJack

Follow the spirit of the dare, not the letter of the dare.

I TRIPLE dog dare you. O___________O

Yep! Yep!! If I have to show up in sportin' booblets around bodybuilder guy (aka starbucks guy), you have to give this friend an opportunity to ask you out, lol!

A friend's dad runs a dating advice website. His recommendation for doing this if you're shy is to tell him about some event/movie/etc that you want to do, and lament that you don't want to go alone. This gives him the opportunity to offer to come with. Or you could just ask him out for drinks sometime (though I'm suggesting something I never do, lol)

christine24t

Follow the spirit of the dare, not the letter of the dare.

I TRIPLE dog dare you. O___________O

Yep! Yep!! If I have to show up in sportin' booblets around bodybuilder guy (aka starbucks guy), you have to give this friend an opportunity to ask you out, lol!

A friend's dad runs a dating advice website. His recommendation for doing this if you're shy is to tell him about some event/movie/etc that you want to do, and lament that you don't want to go alone. This gives him the opportunity to offer to come with. Or you could just ask him out for drinks sometime (though I'm suggesting something I never do, lol)

I might have to try that! We're actually graduating but live near each other so it could work!

dbrightwell1270

I am glad you posted this because I literally went through something so similar today!
My crush is in my classes, and he was there today. I generally don't speak to him, as we're not on those terms, but boy do I stare. Haha. I just got all depressed because I'm never going to be as cute and petite as the girls that flirt with him, and I'm kind of a fool for even liking him in the first place. So yeah, my insecurities get me down, which I think guys can tell when they're talking to you.

This internal voice makes a poster I saw resonate so loud. The poster said something along the lines of "If someone you knew said the sames things to you that you hear from your inner voice, how long would that person be a part of your life?"

when you're dancing with him drunk in the bars, do you see him around the so-called "cute and petite girls" who are flirting with him? If no, the fact that he's not out socializing with them but that he is out socializing with you is a good sign. If yes, the fact that he still wants to dance with you is a good sign too.

TheKitsune6

Follow the spirit of the dare, not the letter of the dare.

I TRIPLE dog dare you. O___________O

Yep! Yep!! If I have to show up in sportin' booblets around bodybuilder guy (aka starbucks guy), you have to give this friend an opportunity to ask you out, lol!

A friend's dad runs a dating advice website. His recommendation for doing this if you're shy is to tell him about some event/movie/etc that you want to do, and lament that you don't want to go alone. This gives him the opportunity to offer to come with. Or you could just ask him out for drinks sometime (though I'm suggesting something I never do, lol)

I might have to try that! We're actually graduating but live near each other so it could work!

SPORTIN' THE BOOBLETS!

I love that so much. I might get a t-shirt made.

JanieJack

An update...

Yesterday he called me to cancel for today (church, lunch, swimming) b/c of something the kids had scheduled. We decided, at the last minute, to go swimming yesterday. I didn’t wanna wear my granny suit, so I wore the “booblet” one, but the funny thing is, when we got to the pool *HE* was the one who was nervous about taking his shirt off. He hemmed and hawed about it, didn’t want to get in the pool with his kids, and then finally warned me he hadn’t yet shaved b/c we weren’t supposed to swim until tomorrow. He’s naturally very hairy. When he took his shirt off, I was blown away by how great he looked and assured him no one’s paying attention to the stubble… only the awesome physique beneath. And from a distance, watching him throw his kids in the pool, you couldn’t even tell.

I tried to look cute, and lounge on the chaise with my legs slightly bent to minimize cellulite, but my son really wanted me to play in the water. Since mr man hadn’t *once* complimented my appearance, I figured it wasn’t worth continuing trying to look cute. Soon, my son had me swimming, diving, attempting flips and other fun that put me in less than flattering positions (I waited til he left for a pit stop before attempting flips, lol).

We had a great time with him and his kids, though I can't help but wonder about the lack of compliments.

Carl01

I wouldn't worry about it,given how cautious a decent guy needs to be so as not to be seen as a creep.
Plus with your kids their it may just have not seemed appropriate to him.

You can do one of two things...
Assume it meant nothing and go on letting things unfold or you can project your insecurity on him without any reason to and in your mind begin undoing whatever may be starting.

Which one makes the most sense?